Best way to handle this?

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mega1

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I am in therapy. Working on major codepence issues and trying to gain perspective and strength. Really making progress (according to therapist )

However, because some areas need so much work… I often don’t know appropriate response or reaction.

Case in point. Husband works freelance. Leaves the house for a job maybe once or twice a week. He also is in charge on picking up our son from school since i work full time.

Lately he is forgetting about childcare. Last week he wanted me to take our son to work since he got a job. I couldn’t accommodate… So he begged a parent/school friend to help out in a pinch. Third time he’s done this.

Well 2 weeks ago he set up another job. I though he would be done by 2:30. But tonight he told me he just realized that he never got a sitter for our son. So, son is home sick and now I have to call in sick to work tomorrow.

I can’t hire a sitter who I don’t know to watch our sick son.

What is appropriate response to this?
 
sounds like your husband has to take some responsibility, because, especially, you are the steady wage earner.

I know one non-Catholic man who refers to his four daughters, to his wife, as HER daughters. Apparently she was the one who wanted the big family. He was arguing with his wife in the office one day, because she had taken some of his gambling money to go shopping for the daughters. WOW, fireworks.

I (non-married) think you have to sit hubby down to do some planning for the childcare.
 
Having been a freelancer for the last 10 years, I understand your husband’s perspective. It is hard to say no to a job, especially if you feel any sort of pressure (societal, spousal, or from your own personal sense of identity) to contribute financially to the family. And with last minute jobs, it can be a challenge to finagle child care.

Cut him some slack, but ask respectfully that he put some thought into child care as you move forward. There’s nothing wrong with asking friends or other parents from school to help out on occasion.

Perhaps if you let your husband know you respect his efforts, he’ll give more thought to the issue.
 
Dear mega1, if I were you I would have added this to another one of your earlier posts. Now you have to weed through all of the well meaning posts from people who don’t know you situation, and who think your husband is some ordinary guy. But we know better. You know that your husband is up to his old passive aggressive behavior again. He doesn’t want to work, so he will make sure that his “efforts” will cause major disruption for you. He wants you to bail him out. He know that you will not stand there and allow your child to at home after school unsupervised. If he were serious about this, he would discuss the child care situation with you, and you two together would come up with a solution. He is not “forgetting” about child care. He wants to to tell him that he is needed at home to take care of your son, that his trying to work is too much trouble or something of the sort so that he won’t have to make the effort. I know that you know this. He probably has a feeling that you are getting to the end of your rope so he wants to look as if he is trying to bring in the cash you both need, while at the same time trying to show you that is isn’t worth it. He may feel that you are getting stronger through therapy and just might leave so he is getting desperate. I feel so badly for your situation because I know in my heart of hearts that I would probably be doing the same as you if I were in your position. It take so much courage to leave, and get your son out of that miserable situation. It is up to you to determine how much more of this you and your son can take. We are all praying for you.
 
Marysann said:
Dear mega1, if I were you I would have added this to another one of your earlier posts. Now you have to weed through all of the well meaning posts from people who don’t know you situation, and who think your husband is some ordinary guy. But we know better. You know that your husband is up to his old passive aggressive behavior again. He doesn’t want to work, so he will make sure that his “efforts” will cause major disruption for you. He wants you to bail him out. He know that you will not stand there and allow your child to at home after school unsupervised. If he were serious about this, he would discuss the child care situation with you, and you two together would come up with a solution. He is not “forgetting” about child care. He wants to to tell him that he is needed at home to take care of your son, that his trying to work is too much trouble or something of the sort so that he won’t have to make the effort. I know that you know this. He probably has a feeling that you are getting to the end of your rope so he wants to look as if he is trying to bring in the cash you both need, while at the same time trying to show you that is isn’t worth it. He may feel that you are getting stronger through therapy and just might leave so he is getting desperate. I feel so badly for your situation because I know in my heart of hearts that I would probably be doing the same as you if I were in your position. It take so much courage to leave, and get your son out of that miserable situation. It is up to you to determine how much more of this you and your son can take. We are all praying for you.
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First thing I thought also. Does sound very passive-aggressive. I know because I used to be a little like that myself, before drugs and therapy.
 
From today forward, I would get a large calendar. Have your husband put his work schedule on it as soon as it is available, so you know the potential days that he will work, and make sure you have child care lined up, just in case. Better yet-YOU write his schedule. If it is not on the calendar, tell him he is responsible for care these times

If you think your husband is being passive agressive about things, the transparency is the way to go with it on your end. Leave nothing assumed. You can also keep track of other events you feel he is being this way about too. Put your schedule there too.

Passive agressive behavior needs to come out of hiding to be addressed, and it is important not for him to see you react, as this is what the behavior is about.

No need for confrontation here-prevention is best.
Let him know your plan about the calendar and that’s it.

Is there an after school program you can sign up with?

Children get sick all the time with 2 working parents, so you need to take turns with this, and write these things too on the calendar, so there is no debate about it.
 
He is being passive agressive in the hopes you will tell him to cancel his freelance gig. he’s trying to make life difficult for you on purpose.
 
I completely agree with everyone who said your husband is being passive aggressive. It’s no accident that he isn’t making sure child care is covered when he has a job. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was scheduling jobs in a way that made child care more complicated. He expects you to prioritize in such a way that you’ll tell him not to work and to cover the child care. He’s manipulating a lot of things through your child; for instance, his response to finding affordable housing is that your son shouldn’t have to move again.

I like the idea of a master schedule and trying to find out when he’s working, perhaps sync your calendars electronically so you can stay up to date on his. Then, when you know he has a job, schedule the child care yourself. This is a perfect time to start “launching.” If you leave, you’ll need to have a trusted person for days when your child is sick and you have to work, you’ll need someone for after school, etc. Start lining up those supports now and it makes it that much easier to launch.

Also, this helps your case for custody if you leave. He’s going to have a hard time going in and saying he does the bulk of the child care when he’s dropping the ball and not scheduling it. Keep track of the days you have to use a sitter, especially the days when you scramble to find one when he should have covered. I’d communicate all that to him in a e-mail or text so there’s a nice neat record of how he isn’t really doing child care.

Honestly, I think he’s handing you an opportunity to start to see how you can manage without him. My prediction is that he’ll stop making meals next. Or, he’ll feed him and your son something quick and easy and “forget” to make something for you. When that happens, cheerfully make yourself something. And then document that you had to.
 
When both parents work, it is normal for them to decide together in advance what arrangements they will make concerning a) taking care of sick children and b) after-school care, taking into account the opportunities employers provide and career penalties for one or the other to do it. Many schools have for-fee aftercare, for this reason.

Your husband is finally getting some work, so it is reasonable to figure out how to handle this. In the meantime, you negotiate about which of you will take care of your son. That is how it is normally done. There is no automatic right answer, no one parent who automatically sets it all up.
 
1ke said:
He is being passive agressive in the hopes you will tell him to cancel his freelance gig. he’s trying to make life difficult for you on purpose.
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It is quite possible, even likely, but it is a bit rash to say that it is definitely so. Even a passive-aggressive person will be guilty of honest forgetfulness once in awhile. Still, the fellow has earned his wife’s skepticism. When it comes to an emotional bank account, his account with his wife is overdrawn and then some.
 
How about you tell him to get a regular job that has regular hours and a regular paycheck so that childcare will be easy to handle?
 
Yeah I told him today that I will be handling childcare from now on. Regardless of whether our son was sick or not today… We would have had no childcare. He admitted that he screwed up and apologized. Although I took a half day and now he’s not home in time for me to get to work at the time I agreed to. Ugh!

Another separate concern. I have to have sinus/nasal surgery. The specialist is 3 hours away. I will have general anesthesia etc. It’s a 4 hour procedure. Before booking it, I asked my husband if he had work dates on the available surgery times. He said only the day before and possibly 3 days after. So I booked it. He said he would be there for me.

Well now it turns out he has work the day after my surgery. But I can’t come home for 2 days (doctors orders). To his defense, I did not know this right away when telling my husband. I’m not quite sure how to handle it. Have my 8 year old stay with me and witness that ? I can’t depend on him getting a suitable sitter if my son stays home. I’m worried and I have no family nearby.

Considering just going through the surgery all alone. I’m terrified. But it’s probably best for our son, don’t you think? I will hsve bandages on my nose and swollen eyes I hear…

Just the day after surgery is going to be rough and I don’t want husband to have to return home and leave our son w me if I’m not well…

I just don’t want to expose my son to that. Am I overreacting?

I want this surgery behind me before possible separation etc.
 
mega1 said:
Yeah I told him today that I will be handling childcare from now on. Regardless of whether our son was sick or not today… We would have had no childcare. He admitted that he screwed up and apologized. Although I took a half day and now he’s not home in time for me to get to work at the time I agreed to. Ugh!

Another separate concern. I have to have sinus/nasal surgery. The specialist is 3 hours away. I will have general anesthesia etc. It’s a 4 hour procedure. Before booking it, I asked my husband if he had work dates on the available surgery times. He said only the day before and possibly 3 days after. So I booked it. He said he would be there for me.

Well now it turns out he has work the day after my surgery. But I can’t come home for 2 days (doctors orders). To his defense, I did not know this right away when telling my husband. I’m not quite sure how to handle it. Have my 8 year old stay with me and witness that ? I can’t depend on him getting a suitable sitter if my son stays home. I’m worried and I have no family nearby.

Considering just going through the surgery all alone. I’m terrified. But it’s probably best for our son, don’t you think? I will hsve bandages on my nose and swollen eyes I hear…

Just the day after surgery is going to be rough and I don’t want husband to have to return home and leave our son w me if I’m not well…

I just don’t want to expose my son to that. Am I overreacting?

I want this surgery behind me before possible separation etc.
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My mom had the “roto-rooter” job on her sinuses. She looked like she’d bitten off more than she could chew in a bar fight, but she laughed about it in advance and it wasn’t scary. Still, being able to see you is not the same as you being able to care for him. That, you cannot do. When they keep you in the hospital, it is for a reason. You need someone besides you to take care of your son while you have your surgery and while you recover.

Find somebody who will watch your son, even if it is the family of one of his friends or if you have to have a relative fly in to stay with him at your place. It would not be unusual for a couple to do this, as the spouse not having surgery might be away at the hospital and in no situation to take care of the kids. Even if you had thought your husband could take care of it all fine, it would have been wise to have someone there to handle your son’s care, in case something unforeseen came up with you. Things that come up are very rare, but then the time to find help is extremely short. You want to have this kind of eventuality taken care of before it comes up.
 
I totally agree and appreciate your insight.

I guess my choices are … Line up childcare for son and ask my husband to stay at home for my surgery (since it is 3.5 hours away and 4 hour procedure)

Or have husband and son come day of surgery and have childcare lined up for son when they return home …

Either way I will be on my own the day afternoon surgery… But I can hire a nurse to watch me, if necessary.

My question is … Can I do this all alone? I suppose so but it will be scary.
 
It would be easy to say that… And I have definitely encouraged it. He says he would make less for the jobs he is qualified for. I said… Well, why don’t you just start applying. He hasn’t.

However he is getting more work… And today he got a 1500 dollar job. (For the day/freelance) So that is at least something. The problem (for me) is he didn’t prepare for it.
 
I’m glad to hear that your husband is getting more work, then he will be less likely to be able to get alimony from you. As for your surgery, I have had that surgery myself. You need to allow yourself adequate time to recover, and you will look like someone best you up. You can prepare your son for that, and assure him that you are all right. As for the childcare problem, if I were you I would hire an older woman from an agency (no use in getting involved with taxes etc.). Tell your husband that Mrs. Whatever will be at you house at 7:30, or what ever time needed to get your son off to school. She will be there in the afternoon when your son returns from school, until 5:30 or what ever time you can be sure that your husband will be home. Don’t give your husband any responsiblity, and keep the receipts. Paying a responsible person to provide care for your son will give you the peace of mind you need to recover as quickly as you can.
 
mega1 said:
YAnother separate concern. I have to have sinus/nasal surgery. The specialist is 3 hours away. I will have general anesthesia etc. It’s a 4 hour procedure. Before booking it, I asked my husband if he had work dates on the available surgery times. He said only the day before and possibly 3 days after. So I booked it. He said he would be there for me.

Well now it turns out he has work the day after my surgery. **But I can’t come home for 2 days (doctors orders). ** To his defense, I did not know this right away when telling my husband. I’m not quite sure how to handle it. Have my 8 year old stay with me and witness that ? I can’t depend on him getting a suitable sitter if my son stays home. I’m worried and I have no family nearby. .
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It shouldn’t be a problem for your son to see you after surgery. But how would he stay with you? Are you going to be in the hospital? If so, they will not allow your son to stay, without having another adult there.

If you are going to be at a hotel, keep in mind the reason you can’t go home is because you might need to go back to the hospital. Again, your son won’t be able to stay alone if you end up back in the OR.

It is time for you to find someone to take care of your son. I can’t believe you would leave something that important to your husband. 🤷
 
maryjk said:
It is time for you to find someone to take care of your son. I can’t believe you would leave something that important to your husband. 🤷
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Wow, that’s a telling comment about the relationship!
 
heidi_storage said:
Wow, that’s a telling comment about the relationship!
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The OP’s husband has mentally abused the OP. And has physically abused their son.

He plays this passive aggressive game all the time. And normally the son is the pawn.

So, yes, it does say a lot about the relationship between the OP and her husband.
 
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