P
petitefleur
Guest
I think that the worst sufferings in this world involve a betrayal of trust.
Children, for example, come into the world with the faith that they’ll be guided, accompanied, comforted and directed in the right way. When this faith is betrayed over and over again, it creates a fragility that is hard to heal. As we grow older, it seems to me that the wounds caused by betrayals of trust really hurt the most.
Over the past few months, as I left China (where I had been living for 3 years) to go back to my home country to take care of my papers (I still have to stay there 3 more months), I’ve suffered through so many betrayals of trust: Fellow Christians who’re afraid to share God’s love due to our country’s repressive atmosphere (especially since the capital’s former governor is still serving time in jail for “blasphemy”), my parents who didn’t know how to deal with emotional pain caused by patriotic ideals, “friends” who were afraid of me because people there have been conditioned to be fearful of discussing racial and religious issues. And Fr. N, who used to be a great comfort to me and had guided me in my faith for 2 years, “suddenly” lost his way and decided to leave the priesthood. That was still OK for me, but a few weeks ago he started badgering me to “entertain” a certain man (a delusional person, Q, who I referred to Fr. N a year ago, who refused counseling, had inappropriate feelings for me, and claimed that he’s God’s only “medium”–i.e. that God would not speak to me directly or through any other person but him; and he’s not even a Catholic). I had hoped that Fr. N would direct Q in the right path; instead, since he left the priesthood, he started pestering me to “entertain” Q instead.
I’ve become dependent on medicine to induce sleep over the past few weeks, and will be seeing my secular psychiatrist next week. He’s a very good doctor who cares for my future. However, after ruling out any kind of mental illness, he told me that the best “medicine” for me would be to have friends to talk to and to get out of my birth country ASAP (I’ll start graduate school in the US in a few months). However, I’m stuck there for the next few months, as per the stipulation of my student visa, and I’m very concerned that this increasing dependence on medicine will compromise my future in academics (I LOVE learning, studying, research, and meaningful discussions). The doctor told me that psychiatry has limitations, and encouraged me to pursue non-medical avenues.
However, what I really miss is going to sleep with a secure heart, knowing that all is well with the world, that I’m safe etc. Perhaps it has to do with my age, I’ve just turned 30 and as a girl I desire “connections” with others (deep/meaningful friendships, a purposeful life), which my country’s repressive atmosphere renders impossible. I mean, if saying the wrong thing can put a person in prison, it’s no wonder that people are afraid…
I used to have a very good confessor in Shanghai, but now I don’t have any (the priests themselves may be afraid of being “monitored”, or they may not know what to say).
Please pray for us and remember me in your prayers. Thank you!
Children, for example, come into the world with the faith that they’ll be guided, accompanied, comforted and directed in the right way. When this faith is betrayed over and over again, it creates a fragility that is hard to heal. As we grow older, it seems to me that the wounds caused by betrayals of trust really hurt the most.
Over the past few months, as I left China (where I had been living for 3 years) to go back to my home country to take care of my papers (I still have to stay there 3 more months), I’ve suffered through so many betrayals of trust: Fellow Christians who’re afraid to share God’s love due to our country’s repressive atmosphere (especially since the capital’s former governor is still serving time in jail for “blasphemy”), my parents who didn’t know how to deal with emotional pain caused by patriotic ideals, “friends” who were afraid of me because people there have been conditioned to be fearful of discussing racial and religious issues. And Fr. N, who used to be a great comfort to me and had guided me in my faith for 2 years, “suddenly” lost his way and decided to leave the priesthood. That was still OK for me, but a few weeks ago he started badgering me to “entertain” a certain man (a delusional person, Q, who I referred to Fr. N a year ago, who refused counseling, had inappropriate feelings for me, and claimed that he’s God’s only “medium”–i.e. that God would not speak to me directly or through any other person but him; and he’s not even a Catholic). I had hoped that Fr. N would direct Q in the right path; instead, since he left the priesthood, he started pestering me to “entertain” Q instead.
I’ve become dependent on medicine to induce sleep over the past few weeks, and will be seeing my secular psychiatrist next week. He’s a very good doctor who cares for my future. However, after ruling out any kind of mental illness, he told me that the best “medicine” for me would be to have friends to talk to and to get out of my birth country ASAP (I’ll start graduate school in the US in a few months). However, I’m stuck there for the next few months, as per the stipulation of my student visa, and I’m very concerned that this increasing dependence on medicine will compromise my future in academics (I LOVE learning, studying, research, and meaningful discussions). The doctor told me that psychiatry has limitations, and encouraged me to pursue non-medical avenues.
However, what I really miss is going to sleep with a secure heart, knowing that all is well with the world, that I’m safe etc. Perhaps it has to do with my age, I’ve just turned 30 and as a girl I desire “connections” with others (deep/meaningful friendships, a purposeful life), which my country’s repressive atmosphere renders impossible. I mean, if saying the wrong thing can put a person in prison, it’s no wonder that people are afraid…
I used to have a very good confessor in Shanghai, but now I don’t have any (the priests themselves may be afraid of being “monitored”, or they may not know what to say).
Please pray for us and remember me in your prayers. Thank you!