Beyond words, what does forgiveness mean and require?

[traillius]

I was molested twice, and I am starting to heal. I extended verbal forgiveness to both perpetrators, but I am struggling with internalizing it. Healing will be a long and difficult process, and may not be finished before I die. My current question is about how forgiveness works, and what it entails. Can one forgive and still be angry. I am talking about humans and not God. Can I say I forgive, but still be sad and angry? Can I forgive, but not reconnect socially or emotionally ( i.e. avoid and/or ignore the people) Also about mitigation. My second perp was a teen at the time, and may have been intoxicated. How do these factors contribute to forgiveness, and to social or emotional reconnection.
The emotional pain inflicted, as any who have been through it know, is extreme. Males, even more so than females, are often isolated by society.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

I was molested twice, and I am starting to heal. I extended verbal forgiveness to both perpetrators, but I am struggling with internalizing it. Healing will be a long and difficult process, and may not be finished before I die. My current question is about how forgiveness works, and what it entails. Can one forgive and still be angry. I am talking about humans and not God. Can I say I forgive, but still be sad and angry?

I think the goal is to lose one’s anger, because of Jesus’ teachings on being angry. It is for you and not the perps. I still have anger over something a woman did to me 10 years ago, but it’s controlled now. I look forward to the day I can just let it go.

Can I forgive, but not reconnect socially or emotionally ( i.e. avoid and/or ignore the people)

I think that’s perfectly acceptable, and even recommended unless you have reason to believe they have seriously repented… and even then…

My second perp was a teen at the time, and may have been intoxicated. How do these factors contribute to forgiveness, and to social or emotional reconnection.
The emotional pain inflicted, as any who have been through it know, is extreme. Males, even more so than females, are often isolated by society.

I don’t think those are mitigating factors. They may be to the perps, but that isn’t your problem. You just have to worry about you, IMO.

Why do you want social and emotional reconnection? Do you cross these people’s paths on a regular basis? Or did you mean your social and emotional reconnection with others?

Alan

 

[tskrobacz]

I was molested twice, and I am starting to heal. I extended verbal forgiveness to both perpetrators, but I am struggling with internalizing it. Healing will be a long and difficult process, and may not be finished before I die. My current question is about how forgiveness works, and what it entails. Can one forgive and still be angry. I am talking about humans and not God. Can I say I forgive, but still be sad and angry? Can I forgive, but not reconnect socially or emotionally ( i.e. avoid and/or ignore the people) Also about mitigation. My second perp was a teen at the time, and may have been intoxicated. How do these factors contribute to forgiveness, and to social or emotional reconnection.
The emotional pain inflicted, as any who have been through it know, is extreme. Males, even more so than females, are often isolated by society.

Sadness and anger are part of the faith experience…faith is that attitude which allows you to experience your experiences because you don’t reject the difficult or not understood parts - you allow yourself to hold the pain of life just as Jesus held the pain of sin on the cross. Don’t ever be afraid to name the truth of your experiences - it is only the truth that ultimately becomes healing and grace for the next generation. A good 12-step program (eg. Alanon or similar) might also help - hurt people always hurt people unless they find a way to transform the pain. It is always helpful to participate in group recovery (12-step programs) to discover you are not alone and to witness the healing power of the Spirit that speaks through other people.

 

[tabbey48]

You are in my prayers. I cannot imagine the awful experiences you describe. Your courage in offering forgiveness is the true sign of a Christian.

AlanFromWichita did a good job addressing some of your concerns. Just know that there are prayers going up for your healing. God richly bless you!

 

[traillius]

both are members of my family, one a close blood relative. If I wish to see any other members of my family, being proximal to one or both of them geographically is fairly unavoidable. The same rule applies to my wife and child.( they would be near them, if they wished to see others )

 

[traillius]

At the time I wedded my beloved wife, I was in denial of what had happened to me. Thus I ( stupidly ) chose to make the brother who I later remembered had molested me, my best man. Now he is in most pictures, the videos, and on my marriage certificate as a witness. Can’t be changed, but still sad.

 

[CDNowak]

I was molested twice, and I am starting to heal. I extended verbal forgiveness to both perpetrators, but I am struggling with internalizing it. Healing will be a long and difficult process, and may not be finished before I die. My current question is about how forgiveness works, and what it entails. Can one forgive and still be angry. I am talking about humans and not God. Can I say I forgive, but still be sad and angry? Can I forgive, but not reconnect socially or emotionally ( i.e. avoid and/or ignore the people) Also about mitigation. My second perp was a teen at the time, and may have been intoxicated. How do these factors contribute to forgiveness, and to social or emotional reconnection.
The emotional pain inflicted, as any who have been through it know, is extreme. Males, even more so than females, are often isolated by society.

I just finished reading a book, Toxic Parents, in the process of dealing with psychological and physical abuse in my childhood. The author makes a point that we often rush to “forgive” that fails to hampers our ability to heal (like one of my siblings). Not sure entirely how much I agree with that, but anyway…

I do think you can forgive and still be angry, so long as you are trying to work through the anger and not hold onto it.
I don’t think reestablishing contact is necessary for forgiveness: I have no need to reconnect with, or even confront, my abuser while my brother will needs to at least confront her. At this point that mean I can only be in contact with my brother, until my other siblings are out of the house.

Recognizing that there may have been mitigating factors may be important for working to healing. I think that, while these factors in no way lessen the damage done to the abused, they are an important factor in being able to internalize forgiveness.

 

[Ravenrose]

In practical terms, it is important to understand that forginess, like grief,
is a journey, more than a destination,
and even more, a choice we must consciously choose, again and again.
It may not be our first response to forgive
when we have been wronged and violated.
And it may not be safe to keep company
with those we have forgiven
if they do not repent their actions,
or show signs that they might repeat them.
While it is important to stay on the path of forgiveness,
for your own happiness, spiritual well-being, and growth.
Nothing in scripture asks us to put ourselves in
danger for the sake of proving we are forgiving.
On the contrary, Jesus said
“Cast not your pearls before swine,
lest they turn, and rend ye,
but shake the dust from your coattails
and be on your way”
A person who has molested you is not merely a neighbor to witness to.
You have a perfect right and responsibility
to protect yourself,
It is a fine balance that must be struck.
When in doubt, you must err on the side of your own self-protection.
and leave the well being of others to God at that point.
The only exception to this rule will be your own children.
They will be the only exception to placing your own wellbeing first.
A parent has special responsibilities for young children.
Otherwise, keep choosing forgiveness whenever you feel able.
it takes some doing but eventually it gets easier.
Call upon your favorite spiritual communion to help you through prayer
and meditation to sustain you in your practice of forgiveness.
This is what the saints do best! Bless you!

 

[ejp123]

Forgivness is a choice. It is also something that is a process to be continuously chosen. When you make an honest choice to forgive you walk threw the door into healing. The process doesn’t always feel good, which is where acceptance comes in. Forgiveness requires acceptance of the experience which does not mean liking or thinking that it was ok. It means accepting that, “yes, this happened to me.” It requires accepting hatred and anger towards the one who hurt you. The difference is that you are choosing to forgive instead of acting on them. You are choosing to let these feelings and thoughts go, to melt away, and allowing God to heal the wound. The last thing you want to do is repress these feelings. You will cause more damage to yourself and prolong your recovery. If you hate them, admit it, if you have death wishes for them, admit it. You must let it out to someone you trust or in a journal,in prayer, a pastor…whoever you can trust. The bottom line is you must be honest with yourself and God about how you feel about the people who hurt you. Again, the difference is you are choosing to let the anger and hatred go and allowing God’s peace and love to flow in you.

 

[soma]

Love yourself as your neighbor. It starts with loving yourself, you did nothing wrong.

 

[constantconvert]

First, I am so sorry that happened, prayers for your healing.

I think forgiveness means giving up your right to “get even” or punish, knowing that God will mete out true justice. It’s not allowing ourselves to be bitter or hold a grudge, but I think it’s ok to be sad and angry at the injustice-- the same way you are sad and angry any injustice in the world. I guarantee you Jesus is sad and angry about it. Forgiveness does not require reconciliation– only God’s forgiveness restores that privilege. You don’t have to have contact with the person. Some people are not safe to be around, and we don’t have to like the people we forgive.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

I think forgiveness is a stepping stone to not judging in the first place.

No, I’m not talking about letting people walk over you, I’m talking about letting what they do get to us at our innards.

The more we forgive, the more automatic it should become, until the moment we judge we realize we have judged and are ready to forgive.

And then I say forgiveness can eventually lead to non-judgment. You don’t even need to forgive any more, if you simply fail to judge in the first place.

Some will say, “we have to judge. St. Paul even talked about kicking people out.” When St. Paul said those things, he was talking about operating a church, not developing the soul. When Jesus told us, for the benefits of our souls, not to judge, He didn’t list any exceptions.

Alan