Bf doesn't know how to receive

[deb1]

Andrea22:

I’m having trouble with my bf who is extremely uncomfortable getting presents, compliments or any sort of praise. Last night I made this comment to him “Can you tell I’m incredibly in love with you?” And all he said was, stop, I’m not that great, it makes me uncomfortable. Then I said, “would you rather I not be incredibly in love with you?” and he said, “no, I’m just humble and modest”

Truth be told is that I felt bad because I felt like he rejected my love. We haven’t been very close lately and this was a way of me getting closer to him. I wanted him to reciprocate and tell me just how much I meant to him. Instead it ended up in a huge fight.

It just makes me feel bad anytime he rejects anything from me. He doesn’t feel worthy of it. I get the feeling that we are both wrong in this case but I don’t know what the ideal is. I know that God deserves all the glory and praise. But what does a man that I love deserve? How much is enough, how much is too much?

Thank you.

No one who is humble and modest says, “I am humble and modest.” This is exact opposite of humbleness.

It sounds as if your bf could be the male version of my mom. Every Christmas my mother would make a big deal about taking her gifts back to the store so that she could get money for us kids. The problem was that she didn’t need the extra money. This was her way of making us feel guilty. She never hesitated to inform us how wonderful, kind hearted and loving she was. None of which were true.

 

[otm]

There is a very true old phrase:

"Love is blind.

But the neighbors aren’t."

you sound young (and that is not meant disrespectfully) and very much in love.

Being in love has the tendency to blind us to another’s faults, and lead us to excuse, to apologize for, to minimize, and otherwise try to ignore those faults.

Everyone has faults. That is not quite the issue.

The issue is that this guy either needs some serious counseling, or else he has his head screwed on relatively straight, and you are refusing to hear the message.

My suggestion is that you both take about a six week break - and that means a total break. That will give you both an opportunity to evaluate, or reevaluate the relationship, without being in the middle of it. It will give you both some distance.

And right now, distance is one of the things I feel you need; you are too in love to be able to sort out his reactions to you, which are not reactions on which a solid positive relationship are built.

If he really cares, as you seem to hope, he will grant you a break; if you really respect him and yourself, you will not only take the break, but keep to it. And failure to take the break may say more about you than about him.

 

[Lady_Cygnus]

Andrea22:

I forgot to add:

Is he worth it? Most definitely. When things are good, he makes me feel so loved, more so than anyone has ever made me feel. I gain strength from him as does he from me (when things are good though… lately they haven’t been… that’s why I’m in such a funk)

Like with my birthday when he forgot… I did not sit back (stewing) and wait for days until he remembered (if he ever did) I didn’t want to set him up like that. As soon as I talked to him I told him it was my birthday. He said to me “happy birthday beautiful” we were online so he sent me a little hug… It did make me smile. See he can even make something as simple as wishing me a happy b-day so special and make my heart melt. Of course at the end of the day when we talked again he was super upset. He said that he had let me down because he had gotten wrapped up in his schoolwork and he thought I deserved better… It was harsh because he was so upset he was gonna give me an out, he just said that things were not working out. I just told him that I understood and that I was not upset with him and that I forgave him. I told him of an example of another time when I forgot mother’s day because I was caught up in work… didn’t mean I didn’t love my mom, but I eventually did make it up to her. I just let him know that he wasn’t a horrible person and that he could always make it up to me another time when he could. And that was that… we didn’t break up that day.

Honestly, from what you’ve said, it sounds like he wants to break up with you, but doesn’t want the guilt so he is delaying the end. This sounds like what I did to one of my boyfriends in my less than mature years.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

“That false humility is laziness. Such humbleness is a handy way of giving up rights that are really duties.” from The Way by St. Josemaria
I’m not saying that he is doing this, but this came to mind when reading everything.

 

[GeorgeSutton]

Andrea22:

I’m having trouble with my bf who is extremely uncomfortable getting presents, compliments or any sort of praise. Last night I made this comment to him “Can you tell I’m incredibly in love with you?” And all he said was, stop, I’m not that great, it makes me uncomfortable. Then I said, “would you rather I not be incredibly in love with you?” and he said, “no, I’m just humble and modest”

Truth be told is that I felt bad because I felt like he rejected my love. We haven’t been very close lately and this was a way of me getting closer to him. I wanted him to reciprocate and tell me just how much I meant to him. Instead it ended up in a huge fight.

It just makes me feel bad anytime he rejects anything from me. He doesn’t feel worthy of it. I get the feeling that we are both wrong in this case but I don’t know what the ideal is. I know that God deserves all the glory and praise. But what does a man that I love deserve? How much is enough, how much is too much?

Thank you.

It may be that your boyfriend is unsure of his feelings (or just hasn’t reached clarity on the question of marriage), and your clearly-expectant compliments (i.e. he can tell that you want something back from him by way of affirmation) are making him feel pressured into treating your relationship as an engagement rather than a courtship. If he hasn’t opened last year’s Christmas presents, there may be issues of control here. I cannot presume to know what’s going on in your hearts, but consider this scenario. It may reflect how he perceives the situation:

• Girl loves guy and wants solid commitment and limitless love in return.
• Girl gives presents, compliments, etc., as signs of love, and hopes that boy’s reciprocation will signal his utter commitment, love, etc.
• Boy feels either…

• Robbed of initiative–he can’t proclaim his love because now he’ll just be “satisfying” the girl who’s been hounding him, instead of him being able to freely give his love.
• OR he feels pressured because, frankly, he’s not ready to proclaim his love and adoration just yet; he’s in this relationship to discern whether endless love is God’s goal for it (or your boyfriend’s goal), and the girl isn’t giving him the chance to make up his mind.

Men are strange, yes, but they need to be given the opportunity to freely commit to something, without feeling hounded about it. Again, I am not saying that you are hounding him, but this may be how he feels. Try asking him if he feels pressured (and don’t follow it up with a big “I love you”), and get him to talk about his feelings. You and he may both learn ways of communicating that will not send each other into such confusion.

 

[newf]

Andrea22, it doesn’t even sound like you have a boyfriend.

This guy is very disrespectful towards you.

And I think you might like to consider some counseling for yourself and find out why you think you deserve to be treated so badly.

You seem like a nice, caring person who could find a much better guy. I wish you well.