BFF Applying for Cloister...and I am grief-stricken

[Rosebud77]

If she goes and if she stays there, I’ll bet your BFF will miss you just as much as you will miss her…

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I hope not else she is in the wrong palce adna s the OP says, she has been preparing for this. Only one relationship is at true heart for a religious. Taught ti avoid "particular friendships " for that very reason.

 

[Rosebud77]

Not everyone sees things that way. They miss their family members simple as that.

OK but to be angry? No. FIAT is the way… Used to be such an honour… remembering the Nuns Story when it was.

 

[Dulcinea2721]

If she goes and if she stays there, I’ll bet your BFF will miss you just as much as you will miss her…

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That is the crux of it IMHO, the ones with the calling DO NOT miss the ones “left behind”. The ones left behind pine for the relationship they once had.

Your mind may be logical and acknowledge their devotion, their piety their gift etc. but inside you are hurt like you were dumped (and in fact you were dumped because they chose God).

Then you feel remorse for not being thankful and happy for them

It is very complex

 

[Rosebud77]

That is the crux of it IMHO, the ones with the calling DO NOT miss the ones “left behind”. The ones left behind pine for the relationship they once had.

Your mind may be logical and acknowledge their devotion, their piety their gift etc. but inside you are hurt like you were dumped (and in fact you were dumped because they chose God).

Then you feel remorse for not being thankful and happy for them

It is very complex

dumped? In what way? What difference between friends going different ways in life as happens? We ALL choose God surely each in his or her ways.But when friendship becomes possessive? letting go is the art… loving enough to do that… and in doing so you will grow mightily!

 

[Dulcinea2721]

dumped? In what way? What difference between friends going different ways in life as happens? We ALL choose God surely each in his or her ways.But when friendship becomes possessive? letting go is the art… loving enough to do that… and in doing so you will grow mightily!

Rosebud77,

I understand that your focus is on the blessing, the gratitude, the joy of the calling. I don’t think that anyone disputes this point. You seem appalled at my understanding of the feelings associated with the situation created by someone’s decision, even when it is agreed that the decision is a good one.

One side of the coin is the gratitude, the other side is the way that you feel. It is both you are grateful AND you are sad. One feeling does not exclude the other. It is normal to feel many things at once.

For example if a friend dies of cancer, I may be happy that this person is not suffering anymore, I may be grateful that her suffering has stopped, I may be hopeful that she is in the Kingdom AND I may be angry, hurt, resentful, sad etc.

The OP may feel the anticipated loss of daily conversation with her BFF, may feel the anticipated loss of her condidante, the anticipated loss of the comfort that she feels when she is in her BFFs presence. This may also be heightened if her BFF has a strong connection with God. She may rely on her BFF for advice. etc.

Those things will no longer be readily available, This is called loss, When people have loss in their life they experience grief.

Now comes the tricky part…The OP sounds like she knows in her heart and in her mind that her BFFs choice is a blessing, and that her BFF is acting as a perfect faithful and listening to the calling that she has received etc. That is where the guilt sets in “I shouldn’t be feeling this way”. It is turmoil

To the OP,

Please know that you can be grateful for your friend’s calling and experience grief/anger/resentment/jealousy (fill in with whatever you are experiencing), **at the same time. **

Being in darkness can also be part of the journey. Mother Teresa experienced extreme closeness to God during the time of her calling, followed by decades without consolation. Many saints did.

As an exercise it may be helpful to prayerfully explore why you are experiencing those feelings. You may get some wonderful insight from everyone’s true BFF, God.

 

[Dulcinea2721]

Mother Teresa has said that after she left home to be a missionary and sister, she was very homesick for her family.

Do you think that means she didn’t have “the calling”?

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ok DaddyGirl, you have a point and I cannot speak for all … let me then tweak my thought and speak for myself only and my field of knowledge.

The person with the calling is filled with confidence, grace and light (my aunt was anyways, she knew this was the right thing to do.) Leaving secular life to enter the cloisters was something that was felt in the deepest level of her soul. She never doubted her vocation. She had been wanting to be a nun since she was 10 years old. She was fulfilling her dream.

When a person has that level of certainty AND they feel the presence of God in their life so deeply, everything else pales in comparison. They have great consolation. may aunt clearly said that she never looked back and never missed her family and she is cloistered for 55+ years.

To your point Daddy Girl, you are correct in your comment about Mother Teresa, in fact many saints have experienced periods of desolation when they do not hear the voice of God. I can’t imagine what terrible loneliness must ensue, not only are you missing the comfort of your earthly relationships which were given up, you feel abandoned by your Spouse. That is heavy duty stuff!!!

Let me re-phrase my earlier comment…At this stage of her vocation, the person entering the cloister may seem to not display the feelings associated with the anticipated loss of the BFF left behind.

In other words, it does not seem that the Bff with the calling has any concern of missing the OP at this stage in the game.

 

[Rosebud77]

Rosebud77,

I understand that your focus is on the blessing, the gratitude, the joy of the calling. I don’t think that anyone disputes this point. You seem appalled at my understanding of the feelings associated with the situation created by someone’s decision, even when it is agreed that the decision is a good one.

One side of the coin is the gratitude, the other side is the way that you feel. It is both you are grateful AND you are sad. One feeling does not exclude the other. It is normal to feel many things at once.

For example if a friend dies of cancer, I may be happy that this person is not suffering anymore, I may be grateful that her suffering has stopped, I may be hopeful that she is in the Kingdom AND I may be angry, hurt, resentful, sad etc.

The OP may feel the anticipated loss of daily conversation with her BFF, may feel the anticipated loss of her condidante, the anticipated loss of the comfort that she feels when she is in her BFFs presence. This may also be heightened if her BFF has a strong connection with God. She may rely on her BFF for advice. etc.

Those things will no longer be readily available, This is called loss, When people have loss in their life they experience grief.

Now comes the tricky part…The OP sounds like she knows in her heart and in her mind that her BFFs choice is a blessing, and that her BFF is acting as a perfect faithful and listening to the calling that she has received etc. That is where the guilt sets in “I shouldn’t be feeling this way”. It is turmoil

To the OP,

Please know that you can be grateful for your friend’s calling and experience grief/anger/resentment/jealousy (fill in with whatever you are experiencing), **at the same time. **

Being in darkness can also be part of the journey. Mother Teresa experienced extreme closeness to God during the time of her calling, followed by decades without consolation. Many saints did.

As an exercise it may be helpful to prayerfully explore why you are experiencing those feelings. You may get some wonderful insight from everyone’s true BFF, God.

Your comparison with DEATH? Bizarre.

 

[Rosebud77]

ok DaddyGirl, you have a point and I cannot speak for all … let me then tweak my thought and speak for myself only and my field of knowledge.

The person with the calling is filled with confidence, grace and light (my aunt was anyways, she knew this was the right thing to do.) Leaving secular life to enter the cloisters was something that was felt in the deepest level of her soul. She never doubted her vocation. She had been wanting to be a nun since she was 10 years old. She was fulfilling her dream.

When a person has that level of certainty AND they feel the presence of God in their life so deeply, everything else pales in comparison. They have great consolation. may aunt clearly said that she never looked back and never missed her family and she is cloistered for 55+ years.

To your point Daddy Girl, you are correct in your comment about Mother Teresa, in fact many saints have experienced periods of desolation when they do not hear the voice of God. I can’t imagine what terrible loneliness must ensue, not only are you missing the comfort of your earthly relationships which were given up, you feel abandoned by your Spouse. That is heavy duty stuff!!!

Let me re-phrase my earlier comment…At this stage of her vocation, the person entering the cloister may seem to not display the feelings associated with the anticipated loss of the BFF left behind.

In other words, it does not seem that the Bff with the calling has any concern of missing the OP at this stage in the game.

You have a very… ethereal… idea re religious life that is way off beam. One very wise old nun said to me once that she had faith but was rarely aware of the presence of God. Religious life is a gritty everyday physical life, faith expressed in the realities of everyday life. Not some cloudhigh thing! It has and is a totality that transcends all else. And embraces all. Your third para is way off beam

 

[Dulcinea2721]

You have a very… ethereal… idea re religious life that is way off beam. One very wise old nun said to me once that she had faith but was rarely aware of the presence of God. Religious life is a gritty everyday physical life, faith expressed in the realities of everyday life. Not some cloudhigh thing! It has and is a totality that transcends all else. And embraces all. Your third para is way off beam

Wrt my 3rd paragraph, please read it carefully, this is from a conversation with my aunt, a cloistered nun of 55+years who entered the convent at 18 and never looked back. That was her experience. You may think she is OFF BEAM but these are words that have come out of her mouth.

My 8 year old (whom I think may consider this vocation) asked her if she missed her family and friends when she entered the convent…She said no, and 55+years later still no. She is filled with grace, feels the guidance of the Holy Spirit and feels connected to her family and friends through prayer…She said this, very very clearly to an 8 year old, bluntly! And she was radiant as she said it.

Mother Teresa’s experience was different. It is in her book Come Be My Light. She experienced many years of close connectedness with Jesus and many years without consolation.

Judge me all you want or judge her, call me off the wall of whatever, your opinion of me will not change the facts.

When I read this thread I thought it was uncanny that I had had a recent conversation on this very topic and I thought my insight was of value to the OP.

 

[firefly103]

When I read this thread I thought it was uncanny that I had had a recent conversation on this very topic and I thought my insight was of value to the OP.

Dulcinea, I think you understand the struggle I am going through pretty well…the conflict of emotions and thought, and the pain of her not really grieving as much as I am, if at all. Your comments have been helpful, and I agree that it’s Providential that you have been thinking about this at this time. As I have noted before, I am sure that she actually does value our friendship, but I think she has already received graces to “move past it.” So in short, I DO feel “dumped” for God…but at the same time, I know that this is what needs to happen, and it’s going to happen whether I’m ready or not. Actually, in a way, I think it doesn’t matter whether I am ready or not–this is about her path with God. If anything, I just need to start focusing on mine more. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted,” no? It is becoming a growing comfort that the Lord works all things for good, and that this will apply even to me. Thank you again for your insights, as it is nice to know that my experience of this (i.e. being the one with the stronger grief) is not out of the ordinary.

 

[firefly103]

dumped? In what way? What difference between friends going different ways in life as happens? We ALL choose God surely each in his or her ways.But when friendship becomes possessive? letting go is the art… loving enough to do that… and in doing so you will grow mightily!

Rosebud, thanks for your thoughts. I wanted to let you know that I get where you’re coming from in saying that I need to be able to let her go, and I should be rejoicing for her, even if that is not necessarily what is actually happening right now. For years, any time someone told me that they or someone they know was entering an order (including a former roommate, whose sister is becoming a Dominican), my response to them was one of unequivocal, unalloyed joy. Even earlier in our friendship, when my friend’s loans seemed prohibitive of her ever entering, I consoled her, prayed for her, told her that God would find a way if that was her calling, and thought to myself, Wow, how many people in the world can say that their best friend is becoming a NUN! This is so cool!

…and then last month happened. When she told me she was visiting and, this time, actually applying so that she can start fundraising for the rest of her loans. THAT is when it all became real, in all its implications for me. I am surprised myself how tough this has been for me, considering how much joy I had hearing about vocations in the past. So…I guess I get it, but I am just having a different experience of this whole thing now that someone actually close to me is entering.

This is kind of a side note, but what is interesting is that the first time she ever visited the convent that she is applying for, I was there with her, and I think both of us knew. Three years ago, we were visiting that city and, when she found out about the convent being there, we stopped by for Mass one morning. I still remember how joyful and peaceful she looked, and how I suddenly felt a pang in my heart that “the end” had begun. I even wrote a letter to her (which I never sent–it was more of a personal processing thing) telling her so. I think I knew even then that that was where she belonged, and if I were a wiser woman, I would’ve consciously started my preparations then. But it was still far off, she still had loans to cover, I was in a period of transition in my life and it was nice to have her correspondence as a constant, etc etc etc. Hindsight 20/20 and all.

The one thing I think I don’t understand is why the comparison with death is bizarre. Could you please explain why you think that is odd, so that I can understand that better? My thought is, isn’t the religious life (or spiritual life in general) full of death to self? How much more so when the call involves such a radical separation from the world? Actually, when explaining my situation to non-Catholics (like my counselor, for example), that is where I was able to find common ground with them in explaining the grief I am going through–that it was like my friend had a terminal illness or something and would be gone from my life but I didn’t quite know when, and I felt the need to be supportive in the meantime.