Bi partisan marriage

[petitsourice]

Hello.

I have sent this over to a priest at EWNT as well as posting here.

I really need some help here. I am with political party p and my wife is with political party q. I’m intentionally not going to give away either party affiliation because this board is extremely charged when it comes to politics and this is not a politics plea for help.

We both knew we were in p + q before the marriage. Now… catholic issues. We are both pro-life (yes it’s possible for dems to be pro life) and anti-death penalty (yes, it’s possible for republicans to be anti-death penalty) and pro man+woman marriage.

But…

My God am I ever the one with the problem. (no sarcasm) I really am the one who can’t stand party q and everything that party stands for.

I have already searched for help and noone seems to have an answer for the jerk husband in party p who sees party q as destroying his family with their policies. It’s very, very disruptive to the marriage. We’re currently living in separate states b/c I have started a new job in one of the most expensive cities in the US and we need me in a rat hole apartment for a while before we can have the money to pay deposits on a real apartment. So… wife + our 2 kids are coming to the expensive city.

Maybe.

We have just had a HUGE fight over these political differences. And honestly, i am the one who can’t stand her party. You know how in Chechnya the Chechans and Russians will kill each other over politics? Same in differing muslim faiths in some parts of the world. Well, i’m the barbarian who lives in the Chechan/Russian mindset. I honestly think that party q is ruining our lives with their policies.

I have already read the psychology today version of help:

1. Find common ground! It’s fun and your dog will love you for it.
2. Don’t resort to name calling when discussing politics (such as today when I referred to party q as her 'gods´ instead of as party q).
3. Celebrate the wonderfulness of your differences.

B.S.

Those 3 don´t really work for me. I doubt they would work for Chechans/Russians/Extremeist Muslims either.

I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I can’t really talk to her about this – tried that today and well… that ended in me labeling her party as her god.

Now, she’s just as vehemant about our differences. But she embraces the idea that its not a big deal that I disagree with her.

HELP. Any ideas? Scripture references to turn to? Catechism entries? We’re both strongly anti-divorce, but that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t live in different states permanently and honestly it seems like that is what is going to happen.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…We both knew we were in p + q before the marriage. Now… catholic issues. We are both pro-life (yes it’s possible for dems to be pro life) and anti-death penalty (yes, it’s possible for republicans to be anti-death penalty) and pro man+woman marriage.

But…I have already searched for help and noone seems to have an answer for the jerk husband in party p who sees party q as destroying his family with their policies. It’s very, very disruptive to the marriage. …We have just had a HUGE fight over these political differences. And honestly, i am the one who can’t stand her party*.* …I honestly think that party q is ruining our lives with their policies.
…I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I can’t really talk to her about this – tried that today and well… that ended in me labeling her party as her god.

Now, she’s just as vehemant about our differences. But she embraces the idea that its not a big deal that I disagree with her.

HELP. Any ideas? Scripture references to turn to? Catechism entries? We’re both strongly anti-divorce, but that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t live in different states permanently and honestly it seems like that is what is going to happen.

Scripture reference:
Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the Church.

It doesn’t sound like the problem stems from differing parties. Reasonable people can disagree about the best way to govern, to care for the poor and sick, to handle the economy, etc… It sounds like you and your wife as practicing pro-life Catholics have similar views of the goal, but differing ideas about how to best achieve them.

You wrote your wife doesn’t see it as a big deal that you differ with her, so it really sounds like* you* are the one with the problem. A politcal party can’t hurt your Sacramental marriage, but your arguing might.

The election is over. Emotions often run high on election night as we discover who wins and who looses. Apologize to your wife for the argument. Send flowers. :flowers: And stop arguing about politics with her.

 

[petitsourice]

Scripture reference:
Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the Church.

It sounds like you and your wife as practicing pro-life Catholics have similar views of the goal, but differing ideas about how to best reach that goal.

Very, very correct. We do agree on the end goals. However we see each others means of obtaining those goals as exactly what NOT to do.

it really sounds like* you* are the one with the problem.

Again, you are right. I fully admit that I am the one with the problem. But I don’t know what to do to change myself.

The election is over. Emotions often run high on election night as we discover who wins and who looses. Apologize to your wife for the argument. Send flowers. :flowers: And stop arguing about politics with her.

Not the easiest advice, but yes I have started down this road. Sadly I don’t see an end in sight for me though. Kissing and making up doesn’t change my core belief that I’m literally sleeping with the enemy. I honestly think it’s a hopeless cause at this point.

And the problem isn’t arguing politics. Its when ordinary events in life happen (cost of groceries or gas, having to pay for what medicare doesn’t cover for our elderly family members, having to help out our elderly family members who don’t get enough from social security, paying for our own health insurance) that I have problems. I see these things and my hatred for the fact that I am helping someone out (my wife) who helped cause these problems makes me well… hate her.

And then the hate dissipates and I return to a simmer instead of a boil…

I am begining to think there is no magic bullet for me to kill this beast with. No red pill to swallow.

 

[Macbook_Fun]

You are sleeping with the enemy, in your own mind. You need to learn to cool down. Look at the arguments of the other side and have reasonable discussions.

 

[petitsourice]

You are sleeping with the enemy, in your own mind. You need to learn to cool down. Look at the arguments of the other side and have reasonable discussions.

Regarding cooling down: Yes, I need to learn to cool down.

Regarding reasonable discussions: I’m 35. That’s plenty old enough to have thought through the p’s and q’s of both sides. The discussion is over for me. Look at the recent debates between McCain and Obama. Did either seem to be converting the other? Neither did either stand a chance of converting the other.



But yes, I think learning to cool down is critical. It’s also a lot more difficult than it seems.

 

[thistle]

Hello.

I have sent this over to a priest at EWNT as well as posting here.

I really need some help here. I am with political party p and my wife is with political party q. I’m intentionally not going to give away either party affiliation because this board is extremely charged when it comes to politics and this is not a politics plea for help.

We both knew we were in p + q before the marriage. Now… catholic issues. We are both pro-life (yes it’s possible for dems to be pro life) and anti-death penalty (yes, it’s possible for republicans to be anti-death penalty) and pro man+woman marriage.

But…

My God am I ever the one with the problem. (no sarcasm) I really am the one who can’t stand party q and everything that party stands for.

I have already searched for help and noone seems to have an answer for the jerk husband in party p who sees party q as destroying his family with their policies. It’s very, very disruptive to the marriage. We’re currently living in separate states b/c I have started a new job in one of the most expensive cities in the US and we need me in a rat hole apartment for a while before we can have the money to pay deposits on a real apartment. So… wife + our 2 kids are coming to the expensive city.

Maybe.

We have just had a HUGE fight over these political differences. And honestly, i am the one who can’t stand her party. You know how in Chechnya the Chechans and Russians will kill each other over politics? Same in differing muslim faiths in some parts of the world. Well, i’m the barbarian who lives in the Chechan/Russian mindset. I honestly think that party q is ruining our lives with their policies.

I have already read the psychology today version of help:

1. Find common ground! It’s fun and your dog will love you for it.
2. Don’t resort to name calling when discussing politics (such as today when I referred to party q as her 'gods´ instead of as party q).
3. Celebrate the wonderfulness of your differences.

B.S.

Those 3 don´t really work for me. I doubt they would work for Chechans/Russians/Extremeist Muslims either.

I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I can’t really talk to her about this – tried that today and well… that ended in me labeling her party as her god.

Now, she’s just as vehemant about our differences. But she embraces the idea that its not a big deal that I disagree with her.

HELP. Any ideas? Scripture references to turn to? Catechism entries? We’re both strongly anti-divorce, but that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t live in different states permanently and honestly it seems like that is what is going to happen.

My wife and I never discuss politics.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…Kissing and making up doesn’t change my core belief that I’m literally sleeping with the enemy. I honestly think it’s a hopeless cause at this point. …

Please don’t view your wife as the enemy. Don’t demonize her or even her political party. Our enemies are not of flesh and blood. (Ephesians 6:12) Familiarize yourself with spiritual warfare and put on the “armour of God” to fight the real enemy.

…And the problem isn’t arguing politics. Its when ordinary events in life happen (cost of groceries or gas, having to pay for what medicare doesn’t cover for our elderly family members, having to help out our elderly family members who don’t get enough from social security, paying for our own health insurance) that I have problems. I see these things and my hatred for the fact that I am helping someone out (my wife) who helped cause these problems makes me well… hate her. …

It sounds like you are under tremendous stress because of many things, including caring for elderly relatives with failing health and financial difficulties. It’s not your wife’s fault that people get old and sick–it’s the fault of Adam and his wife, Eve.

My own parents have passed away, but when they were alive, caring for them in their old age put stress on my marriage. Even when finances aren’t a factor, it’s stressful watching loved ones grow old, and if you have young children too you may feel “sandwiched” between caring for both children and parents. (I did.) Yet it is an honor and a privledge to do it, and it doesn’t last forever.

…I am begining to think there is no magic bullet for me to kill this beast with. No red pill to swallow.

No magic bullet, just a simple cross. Galatians 2:19-20 “I have been crucified with Christ, yet I live, no longer I, but Christ lives in me.” That’s sometimes paraphrased, “Die to self, live for Christ.”

We all must take up our cross and follow Christ. You seem to have a heavy cross right now, being separated from your family, living in a cheap apartment trying to afford a place for them, financially helping to support elderly relatives, in addition to holding differing political views from your wife. Prayers for you and your family.

 

[petitsourice]

Please don’t view your wife as the enemy. Don’t demonize her or even her political party.

We all must take up our cross and follow Christ. You seem to have a heavy cross right now, being separated from your family, living in a cheap apartment trying to afford a place for them, financially helping to support elderly relatives, in addition to holding differing political views from your wife. Prayers for you and your family.

This has to be the best advice that I’ve heard on this issue.

And it’s her parents who are ailing. One of mine is gone already and the other is doing well. And yes, I’m the only one who is working (with 2 kids daycare is pointless unless she could earn about $50k and with NFP, we know there will be more children). However it’s not my money. It’s our money and I can’t just leave her parents out to dry. Besides, they are absolutely wonderful. Best in laws anyone could ever ask for. Truly amazing people, both of them. They are the only 2 relatives who are welcome to move in with us if times ever got tough for them.

It doesn’t help matters that she’s going to hate it in Expensive City. She’s a country girl and well… you know men. We’d generally be happy in a cardboard box as long as it has a/c, heat, internet and a bottle to use the bathroom in.

She’s the more social of us and a new, foreign city is going to be a fright for her. Hell, Expensive City was a fright for me at first and I still don’t like it but it’s the only place where there is work right now.

“Die to self, live for Christ.”

Very well paraphrased. I had forgotten about this bit of spiritual armor. I think this will be my mustard seed.

And as far as politics, I will never vote again. Ever. When you have as many hang ups about politics as I have there’s really little point in feeding that fire. It’s a bit like a gambling addict going into a casino to get cash from the ATM.

 

[Ruthie]

Perhaps you could love, not her politics, but the reason behind them. I’m sure she thinks the world would be better off under her party. Love **that **part.

Meantime, find a good parish and get involved. That way you can meet people, and have some social activities ready for her.

And it’s a “buyer’s market” for real estate right now. If you can’t afford a house, look into cooperative apartments. They tend to hold their value better than condos. (And some of them are pretty big!)

And, yeah, you pretty much need to grovel. You need to choose to keep politics from destroying your marriage, and find a way to do it.

P.S. Don’t quit voting. At least now, you’re vote and hers cancel each other out. Quit voting, and hers is one more vote for “them.”

And you could pray for her political conversion…

God bless you, and your family,

Ruthie

 

[petitsourice]

Perhaps you could love, not her politics, but the reason behind them. I’m sure she thinks the world would be better off under her party. Love **that **part.

Meantime, find a good parish and get involved. That way you can meet people, and have some social activities ready for her.

And it’s a “buyer’s market” for real estate right now. If you can’t afford a house, look into cooperative apartments. They tend to hold their value better than condos. (And some of them are pretty big!)

And, yeah, you pretty much need to grovel. You need to choose to keep politics from destroying your marriage, and find a way to do it.

P.S. Don’t quit voting. At least now, you’re vote and hers cancel each other out. Quit voting, and hers is one more vote for “them.”

And you could pray for her political conversion…

God bless you, and your family,

Ruthie

I’m probably not even going to read the news anymore, much less vote.

We ended up getting the advice of a priest who has always been a true spiritual guide for us.

He said to sit down and spend some time talking to each other and tell each other why we decided to get married and what we like about each other. Needless to say this put both of us in tears and yes, we are making up.

This is the closest we have ever come to divorce.

As far as political conversion, I think God’s an independent voter so I doubt he’d help move someone from p to q. And both party p and q each have their own severe misgivings.

Another good point you made, Ruthie, is that yes, she wants the same things that I want. And generally, the decent p’s and q’s do share the same goals. The problem is that the way to those goals is viewed by each as decidedly evil.

Still looking for a good parish in Expensive City. I’ve found a few decent ones, but it is always tough to find the good ones.