Binge drinking

[February]

Hello. I haven’t posted here in some time but am looking for advice. I have been married for a few months to a truly wonderful person. We are in our early thirties, both working professionals, and love each other very much.

However, he and most of his buddies like to drink. I would classify it as " a lot", but he does not think it is even an issue. Once a week (if not more), he has several drinks in one sitting (maybe 5+, enough so that he is drunk). He has driven home on a number of occasions when he was not OK to drive. Last week he drove himself home, had a short conversation with me that he does not remember having, and was hung over the next day.

His social gatherings with friends always involve alcohol, to the point where I avoid them because I don’t like to hang out with really intoxicated people. He thinks that due to my brother having a history of drug use I am blowing this out of proportion, and that this is just normal behavior. He got a DUI in the past few years, before I knew him, and a few of his friends have gotten them as well in the past.

The point is, this behavior makes me upset, frustrated, and worried about what could happen. He has apologized on a few occasions for his drunk behavior the night before, but nothing has changed much. I guess the straw that broke the camel’s back (we are currently in an argument) was his saying that on a visit to see my family out of state (which involves a football game to which his buddy is also traveling to) he’s going to stay with his friend at the hotel on the night of the game. He says that “you dont want to see me at a game, and we’re going to the bar afterwards.” The fact that he’s planning to be inebriated and not just enjoy a few beers really bothers me. Plus it’s embarrassing to tell my family, who have offered to let us stay both nights.

So, what do you think? Am I blowing this out of proportion because of my brother’s history, or is there a bigger problem here?

 

[EasterJoy]

You might get him to take the following screening test to convince you that you are the one who is being unrealistic: alcoholism.about.com/od/problem/a/blquiz1.htm
This quiz was developed by the Office of Health Care Programs, Johns Hopkins University Hospital not to substitute for a real diagnosis (either for or against) but to “give you an idea if your drinking patterns are safe, risky or harmful.”

Here are the questions (my comments are in italics)
Do you lose time from work due to drinking?
Is drinking making your homelife unhappy? (Yes.)
Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
Is drinking affecting your reputation?* (“You don’t want to see me…” ? That would be a Yes, and he knows it.)*
Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?* (Yes, again)*
Have you had financial difficulties as a result of drinking? (A DUI is definitely going to cause financial difficulty!)
Do you turn to inferior companions and environments when drinking? (Hmmm…does he ever spend time with these companions and NOT abuse, or are these often-decent guys who occasionally abuse alcohol together?)
Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare? (If he’s drinking impaired, he’s taking chances with his life and the financial liability of his family. Yes, that is careless of his family’s welfare, even if they are not in the car, since even if “all” he does is get a DUI instead of crashing and injuring someone or himself, the family will suffer from the consequences he gets.)
Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
Do you want a drink the next morning?
Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?
Do you drink alone?
Have you ever had a loss of memory as a result of drinking?
Has you physician ever treated you for drinking?
Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

This is the end message he will see if he takes this test:
“According to the Office of Health Care Programs, Johns Hopkins University Hospital, developers of this screening quiz, if you answered 3 of these questions with a Yes it is a definite sign that your drinking patterns are harmful and possibly considered alcohol dependent or alcoholic. You may want to seek an evaluation by a healthcare professional.”

*A big question that runs through this is “Why?” He needs to tell you why he drinks immoderately instead of moderately when he is with his friends, because people do go to football games and go to the bar afterwards and still drink responsibly when they do it. Over-drinking is not a given. Drunkenness is not a necessity for healthy people when they include alcohol in their social events. Drunkeness and overdrinking are his choices. Why does he choose to do that, particularly since he has the DUI and many instances of disappointing you to show for that. Why is that worth it to him? *

 

[datritle]

we can’t know you or your husband well enough from this post to make a judgement. that being said…In my experience women do tend to sometimes make a mountain out of a molehill in regards to this topic. I had a DUI 4 years ago, many of my friends have as well. That’s what happens when you live in an area without public transportation. drinking is a deep seeted culturally accepted activity. and since your brother had troubles of some sort, naturally you would be more sensitive about such things. if he truly has been blackout drunk then YES THAT IS A PROBLEM. if he is violent or disrespectful to you, it is a problem. if he is genuinely being dangerous or reckless then it is a problem. anyway, men can metabolize alcohol much more efficiently and quickly than can women. and before you think i am just some drunk trolling the forums, I am a seminarian, not a drunkenness advocate!!

 

[smallcat]

Continuing to drive while inebriated, especially after he has already had a DUI, is reckless and irresponsible. Aside from the injury he might cause himself or others, he could lose his license and face possible arrest and/or loss of his job if he is found to be a repeat offender. This in itself is a huge red flag!

If he thinks you are over-reacting, why not suggest seeing a neutral third party (doctor, counselor, priest) to discuss the matter? If nothing else, this is putting stress on your marriage and could be approached in that context.

You say you’ve been married for a few months. Was this behavior not evident while you were still dating and engaged? What did you think about it then?

 

[Joe_5859]

I’m a guy and I do not think that this behavior is normal. Perhaps it is commonplace in certain places and amongst certain groups of friends. But it does not strike me as acceptable behavior.

I know that drinks affect different people differently. I don’t drink very often and when I do it’s usually not that much, but I recall back on my honeymoon that I could drink five drinks and not really feel it much at all. So it’s possible to drink seemingly a lot and not have it affect you. But I never would have stepped behind the wheel of a car. That’s just not acceptable. And if your husband drove home, talked with you and didn’t remember it, that is definitely not okay.

Not to call out a guy that I don’t know. But it bothers me to think that you are even entertaining the thought that you are blowing it out of proportion.

 

[sweetpetunia]

I had a DUI 4 years ago, many of my friends have as well. That’s what happens when you live in an area without public transportation.

I don’t believe it is as inevitable as you make it sound. Driving intoxicated is no small matter–it frequently maims and takes people’s lives. If there is no public transportation, no cabs, and it is too far to walk, there are still other options. Select a designated driver, call a family member/friend, or wait until you are safe to drive.

 

[February]

Continuing to drive while inebriated, especially after he has already had a DUI, is reckless and irresponsible. Aside from the injury he might cause himself or others, he could lose his license and face possible arrest and/or loss of his job if he is found to be a repeat offender. This in itself is a huge red flag!

If he thinks you are over-reacting, why not suggest seeing a neutral third party (doctor, counselor, priest) to discuss the matter? If nothing else, this is putting stress on your marriage and could be approached in that context.

You say you’ve been married for a few months. Was this behavior not evident while you were still dating and engaged? What did you think about it then?

Yes talking to our priest is a good idea. Not sure if my husband would be on board since he doesn’t think it’s a problem, but it is a strain on an otherwise good relationship. It was evident, I didn’t like it, and I was told it would decrease once married. It did for awhile, but seems to be becoming an issue again.

 

[aemcpa]

Getting a DUI is not normal, healthy behavior, and it is even worse that he continues to get drunk and drive. He’s going to leave you a widow, or leave somebody else a widow and you a prison wife.

Take all your stuff with you when you go to visit your family, and stay there until he agrees to stop drinking and join AA.

 

[February]

I don’t believe it is as inevitable as you make it sound. Driving intoxicated is no small matter–it frequently maims and takes people’s lives. If there is no public transportation, no cabs, and it is too far to walk, there are still other options. Select a designated driver, call a family member/friend, or wait until you are safe to drive.

Exactly. I asked him why he didn’t just call me last week and he didn’t really answer. I think it is pride, in addition to the numerous drinks that contributed to the poor judgment. There’s no excuse. He could have hurt/killed himself or someone else.

 

[Joe_5859]

Yes talking to our priest is a good idea. Not sure if my husband would be on board since he doesn’t think it’s a problem, but it is a strain on an otherwise good relationship. It was evident, I didn’t like it, and I was told it would decrease once married. It did for awhile, but seems to be becoming an issue again.

I know lots of guys who would binge drink in college. I recall one of them even commenting on the irony that – for a college student, it was “normal behavior”, but if they were 30 or 40 and still doing it, they’d be an alcoholic. It seemed like they expected it to be a temporary form of living.

The problem is, it created a lifestyle habit that’s not always easy to break out of.

Even if you don’t get to talk to the priest together, you can at least go by yourself. I’m sure the priest would be very helpful.

 

[EasterJoy]

we can’t know you or your husband well enough from this post to make a judgement. that being said…In my experience women do tend to sometimes make a mountain out of a molehill in regards to this topic. I had a DUI 4 years ago, many of my friends have as well. That’s what happens when you live in an area without public transportation. drinking is a deep seeted culturally accepted activity. and since your brother had troubles of some sort, naturally you would be more sensitive about such things. if he truly has been blackout drunk then YES THAT IS A PROBLEM. if he is violent or disrespectful to you, it is a problem. if he is genuinely being dangerous or reckless then it is a problem. anyway, men can metabolize alcohol much more efficiently and quickly than can women. and before you think i am just some drunk trolling the forums, I am a seminarian, not a drunkenness advocate!!

I have many brothers and many male friends, and it is simply not true that a DUI is “what happens” when you live in an area without public transportation. What happens when you live in an area without public transportation is that you think ahead or else make a phone call when you’ve resolved that you’re never going to put someone else’s life or property in danger by getting behind the wheel of a care when you’re not fully capable. This is what responsible people do when they realize they’ve had more to drink than they meant to.

The main problem remaining, truth be told, is that most of us don’t think to take the same precaution when it is sleep deprivation or emotional upset or some other issue instead of intoxicant use that is robbing us of our ability to drive safely. At least we are gradually becoming aware of the dangers of cell phone use!

At any rate, it is a violation of the 5th commandment to drive while impaired, and the Catechism says so explicitly with regards to alcohol use; that is, that drinking and driving has the gravity of a mortal sin:

CCC 2290 The virtue of temperance disposes us to avoid every kind of excess: the abuse of food, alcohol, tobacco, or medicine. Those incur grave guilt who, by drunkenness or a love of speed, endanger their own and others’ safety on the road, at sea, or in the air.

 

[capcrack]

Find an Al-Anon group and get yourself to it. It might help how you go about your husband’s drinking. You can’t make him do anything, but going to Al-Anon is a positive change that will give you the tools you need to take on this issue.

That, and prayer.

 

[Karen107]

I would suggest you go to Al-Anon which is set up for people who love people who have a problem with drinking. You can websearch for one near you and it is anonymous . It will offer you a place to share your thoughts and give you suggestions on how to help your spouse. The problem with alcoholism is that the person doesn’t believe he/she has a problem so will not seek help but YOU need support and Al-Anon can provide it for you. If you can change your outlook than maybe you can take better care of you. And often when you change how you react to the problem it incites change in your loved one. The other solution for you if you’re not comfortable in that setting is to seek help with a private therapist.

It co-incides with the same philosophies that the 12 step program has for AA. Even though there may be others who are of other faiths, having a belief in a higher power (God) will help you and is encouraged. Remember you’re not alone in this.

Remember this serenity prayer as it can apply to you as well as your spouse.

. Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

I will pray for you and your spouse. May God give you His peace… Karen

 

[EasterJoy]

Continuing to drive while inebriated, especially after he has already had a DUI, is reckless and irresponsible. Aside from the injury he might cause himself or others, he could lose his license and face possible arrest and/or loss of his job if he is found to be a repeat offender. This in itself is a huge red flag!

If he thinks you are over-reacting, why not suggest seeing a neutral third party (doctor, counselor, priest) to discuss the matter? If nothing else, this is putting stress on your marriage and could be approached in that context.

You say you’ve been married for a few months. Was this behavior not evident while you were still dating and engaged? What did you think about it then?

This. I am guessing that the behavior was hidden from her when they were dating, since he says “you don’t want to see me when”. Let’s assume that when he had the option, he didn’t let her know that she didn’t want to see him then. When the binge drinking is an occasional habit instead of a regular habit, it is possible to hide it from a fiancé, since she would not typically insist on being with him at every social outing he goes on.

When it comes to intemperance, most of us are secretive, so I don’t want to make the guy out to be more of a liar than the rest of us. Still, when we want to lie to ourselves, we generally can’t pull that off unless we lie to others, too. Privacy is one thing, but it ought to be a red flag when we feel a need to hide our habits from others. That we have the temptation to all use our legitimate privacy as cover for lies about ourselves does not make our lies permissible…not even the ones we “only” tell to ourselves!

*But you, brothers, are not in darkness, for that day to overtake you like a thief. For all of you are children of the light and children of the day. We are not of the night or of darkness. Therefore, let us not sleep as the rest do, but let us stay alert and sober. Those who sleep go to sleep at night, and those who are drunk get drunk at night. But since we are of the day, let us be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love and the helmet that is hope for salvation. For God did not destine us for wrath, but to gain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us, so that whether we are awake or asleep we may live together with him. * 1 Thes. 5:4-10

Try to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the fruitless works of darkness; rather expose them, for it is shameful even to mention the things done by them in secret; but everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for everything that becomes visible is light. Therefore, it says: “Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will give you light.” Watch carefully then how you live, not as foolish persons but as wise, making the most of the opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not continue in ignorance, but try to understand what is the will of the Lord. And do not get drunk on wine, in which lies debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another (in) psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and playing to the Lord in your hearts, giving thanks always and for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God the Father.** Eph. 5:10-20**

 

[Beryllos]

FYI, I am a married man, and I occasionally have a few beers.

You are not blowing it out of proportion. While drinking to excess may be the norm in some communities, or in some groups of friends, the fact remains that it is a risky behavior. It is time for him to grow up and act responsibly, for his own sake, and yours too.

… he’s going to stay with his friend at the hotel on the night of the game…

And I would have a huge problem with this. Now it’s not just the alcohol, but I’m thinking of the group dynamics of a bunch of drunk guys away from home and out of sight of family members. A night at the hotel with the guys probably means a night-long drinking binge, which is bad enough in itself, but also it could lead to other risky behaviors.

It is time for him to recognize that he is no longer a carefree bachelor, and he should stop acting like it. He should stop putting himself in such risky situations.

 

[EasterJoy]

Having said that, I know of many people who turned from occasional alcohol abuse and dangerous binge drinking to a persistent policy of appropriate use. Not all alcohol abusers who are fooling themselves are alcoholics, because many people are capable of amending themselves with regards to drunkenness. Let us face it: if this were not true, the myth that alcoholism is a failure in will power would not have grown up. The truth is that most people can use alcohol temperately by exercising a degree of self-mastery of which they are totally capable.

The proof of whether this fellow can use alcohol responsibly will come when he resolves to do it and actually tries it. Most of the time, that is entirely possible, so the OP should not hyperventilate and think that her husband is an addict who should never be allowed near alcohol again. He does, however, need to admit that it is reasonable to expect him to use alcohol responsibly at all times, and to refrain from driving whenever he honestly miscalculates his use or falls into an amount of intemperance that is incompatible with public safety.

 

[February]

The proof of whether this fellow can use alcohol responsibly will come when he resolves to do it and actually tries it. Most of the time, that is entirely possible, so the OP should not hyperventilate and think that her husband is an addict who should never be allowed near alcohol again. He does, however, need to admit that it is reasonable to expect him to use alcohol responsibly at all times, and to refrain from driving whenever he honestly miscalculates his use or falls into an amount of intemperance that is incompatible with public safety.

Well I dont flip out when we have a drink or two with dinner, or when he’s with me at a ball game and has 1-2 beers, or when we went to wineries on our honeymoon, etc. The problem is the binge drinking with buddies, driving while intoxicated, and irresponsible behavior. He drank a couple drinks last week the day over his hangover to “take the edge off”. This is the problem.

 

[aemcpa]

The problem is you’re going to be a young widow, or your husband will be responsible for making somebody else a young widow and you’ll be a single mom anyway while he’s in jail.

 

[Karen107]

FYI, I am a married man, and I occasionally have a few beers.

You are not blowing it out of proportion. While drinking to excess may be the norm in some communities, or in some groups of friends, the fact remains that it is a risky behavior. It is time for him to grow up and act responsibly, for his own sake, and yours too.

And I would have a huge problem with this. Now it’s not just the alcohol, but I’m thinking of the group dynamics of a bunch of drunk guys away from home and out of sight of family members. A night at the hotel with the guys probably means a night-long drinking binge, which is bad enough in itself, but also it could lead to other risky behaviors.

It is time for him to recognize that he is no longer a carefree bachelor, and he should stop acting like it. He should stop putting himself in such risky situations.

I"m not condoning his behavior but what’s worse than staying in a hotel after a night of drinking is driving home drunk.

 

[aemcpa]

I"m not condoning his behavior but what’s worse than staying in a hotel after a night of drinking is driving home drunk.

He’s done that multiple times as well, according to his wife. He has a DUI and has driven drunk after that.