Binge drinking

[SamH]

He is 35. I think that is plenty old enough to have common sense about the dangers of heavy drinking. Among the friends he drinks with, about half are married with kids. A couple of friends that they don’t see much anymore are talked about negatively now, but I think these friends (or their wives) have “grown up” and just realized that the partying isn’t for them at this point in their lives.

Agreed. 35 is pretty “old” to still be acting that irresponsible.

 

[EasterJoy]

He is 35. I think that is plenty old enough to have common sense about the dangers of heavy drinking. Among the friends he drinks with, about half are married with kids. A couple of friends that they don’t see much anymore are talked about negatively now, but I think these friends (or their wives) have “grown up” and just realized that the partying isn’t for them at this point in their lives.

At any rate, I left him a note since we haven’t been speaking much. Tonight is his bowling night, which generally turns into a drinking event since they usually go to a bar before/after, and have beers during bowling. I dread Thurs because of this. Please pray for me, I’ve felt pretty hopeless this week.

You dread Thursdays? This does not sound like someone who controls his drinking most of the time, with an occasional decision to “let boys be boys”. He may not be an alcoholic yet, but if he’s getting drunk once every week or so, he’s asking for it.

My children are 14, and they are “plenty old enough” to have common sense about the dangers of heavy drinking. The more times someone has gotten drunk, the more inexplicable is the decision to do it yet again, but there isn’t an age in which it is anything but a foolish sin. My father had a drink nearly every day outside of Advent and Lent, and as nearly as I can tell he was never drunk a day in his life. I have another relative who is not an alcoholic, but he abuses alcohol on purpose every once in awhile, and he’s older than your husband. Yes, certainly experienced enough to know better! This other guy didn’t get married until he was in his late 30s, either. (Unfortunately, he married someone who also subscribes to the theory that getting drunk once in awhile is just one of those things that people do to have fun.)

By all means contact the former friends who have come to their senses. Maybe they can talk some sense into him. You do have every right to draw a line on this. There isn’t a number of times a month or year that anyone is “entitled” to get intoxicated, nor a level or frequency of intoxicant abuse that is “normal”. Just because you aren’t physically addicted doesn’t mean you have your head on straight! When people say you can’t control him, BTW, they don’t mean you have to excuse bad behavior! That only means that if he decides to behave badly anyway, it isn’t your fault or any reflection on you. Forcing him to do the right thing is not your duty.

 

[aemcpa]

You dread Thursdays?

Wait, now it’s every week???

 

[on_the_hill]

Well, the binging is not good.

Regardless of what his buddies are doing, or the culture, or whatever. He’s married now. It’s past time for him to say bye-bye to the bottle and his bottle buddies. I don’t have a whole lot of patience for guys who maintain bonds with their friends that are stronger than their bonds to their wives and families.

As far as DUI being a just another rite of passage–with all due respect, if I ever get hit by a drunk, he better doggone well hope that I’m incapacitated by the accident, because otherwise I’m going to put him in a world he doesn’t want to live in.

And I’m speaking as one whose own mother was convicted of DUI about two years ago.

OP–didn’t you know this stuff before you got married? There are lots of resources listed in this thread. Please do what you need to do to keep yourself safe.

[it’s late, and I’m cranky ]

 

[EasterJoy]

OP–didn’t you know this stuff before you got married?

A lot of this flies under the radar as “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” If he only drinks like this when he’s with the “drinking buddies”, then she may not have seen him like that until after the wedding, or she might have been lead to believe that the few instances she did see were aberrations.

 

[February]

A lot of this flies under the radar as “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” If he only drinks like this when he’s with the “drinking buddies”, then she may not have seen him like that until after the wedding, or she might have been lead to believe that the few instances she did see were aberrations.

Well I saw a couple instances of heavy drinking that I didn’t like, but yes, I was told that was not the norm. I was also told that it would decrease after marriage. I’ve never gone to the bowling alley with him, or out with the drinking buddies with him, so I didn’t really witness it firsthand. The drinking and driving is what bothers me, and the fact that he complains of stomach issues but continues to drink heavily.

I wrote down how I was feeling and left the note for him yesterday. I pointed out instances of binge drinking, why drinking and driving is a problem, and how I loved him so much that I’d never thought twice about marrying him, but that this is very concerning to me. His response ( I wasn’t home when he read it) was to go to bowling, drink, then buy beer and come home and drink 3 while he played video games in the basement. He has it set up so that his friends can play the same game at their houses and talk to each other; I heard him talking about how he was drunk, and how his head wasn’t right.

This morning I woke up (he was still sleeping, works tonight) and he had crumpled my note and put his wedding ring around it. I am heartbroken. Also, I wonder if he even remembers his behavior after drinking. I dont know what else to do.

 

[The_Bucket]

The fact that one DUI was not enough is pretty astonishing to me… and I say that as an addict of another kind. I was “caught” in my addiction several times as a youngster but there were no real consequences. The one time in my adult life I was caught and faced actual consequences prompted me to get some actual help.

And keep in mind I wasn’t even doing anything illegal.

So basically, yeah I think this is really out of control and absurd. It’s great that he interests and friends. It’s not great that his interests are basically getting blasted. He’s 35, not 20. He’s a grown man with responsibilities, not a kid in college.

The fact that he’s repeatedly risking arrest and serious jail time with this behavior is proof-positive that it’s out of control. If it were someone I knew, I’d probably set them up. I’d wait around for a time you knew he was leaving the bowling alley, knew he was drinking, and then call the police and report the license plate. I wouldn’t necessarily suggest it for a spouse… but sometimes you have to go to extremes.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

February, I definitely sympathize with you. Drinking is a huge issue in my family. Talking about it is taboo and the only ones who are ever criticized for their drinking habits are those who have cut back, quit or never drank. Before we cut ties with the one side of the family entirely, one of the reasons we had cut back on attending family functions was because of the mandatory binge drinking. It’s not that a lot of them planned on getting drunk at each of these events–and lots of them did–it’s that they planned on drinking until they threw up and/or passed out. To make it clear, most of them are in their mid 30s to early 40s and for them, the biggest attraction of these family parties is that they were going to spend the night chugging beer and playing college drinking games. It was a given that this one would throw up, that one would drink until he passed out then drive home when he finally came to, and that that group would spend the night dredging up family skeletons and causing huge fights that invariably ended with their mothers in tears and others leaving in anger and disgust. This was a regular occurrence at virtually every big family gathering. Anyone who complained about it or questioned it, before or after, was made fun of, shouted down, called names, etc. It was made clear that their “right” to drink to excess and ruin the night for everyone else was inviolable.

I was attacked pretty harshly over this on several occasions for my alleged hypocrisy. It’s not that I was attacking or condemning anyone, it’s that I quit drinking and would leave the parties as soon as the heavier drinking started. I’m well versed in the effects of heavy drinking. I drank so much in college that there was a very long period (well over six months) where I drank so much so consistently that I don’t think I truly sobered up once during that entire time. I was eventually picked up for a DUI (ironically, I was sober at the time). It cost me a ton and I started cutting back immediately. I also haven’t driven after drinking since then. I finally quit drinking altogether. I don’t condemn drinking in general, but the excessive drinking that is such a glorified part of the culture now is something I can’t tolerate. While I never spoke out about it to my family, I was still condemned as a hypocrite and told that I had a holier than thou attitude.

I’ve seen how problematic drinking can be from both sides of the coin If your husband is getting drunk on a regular basis, drinking alone, not remembering conversations or things he did, and especially drinking and driving, it’s a big problem. One way or another someone is going to be hurt by his drinking eventually. If he defends himself by saying it hasn’t happened yet, the key word in that phrase is “yet.” I’ve heard the same thing from family members (they don’t count the huge, tear-filled blow-ups or the handful of family members they’ve driven away as hurtful behavior on their part), including the one who has driven his car through the back of his garage twice. You can’t dodge bullets forever.

 

[EasterJoy]

Well I saw a couple instances of heavy drinking that I didn’t like, but yes, I was told that was not the norm. I was also told that it would decrease after marriage. I’ve never gone to the bowling alley with him, or out with the drinking buddies with him, so I didn’t really witness it firsthand. The drinking and driving is what bothers me, and the fact that he complains of stomach issues but continues to drink heavily.

I wrote down how I was feeling and left the note for him yesterday. I pointed out instances of binge drinking, why drinking and driving is a problem, and how I loved him so much that I’d never thought twice about marrying him, but that this is very concerning to me. His response ( I wasn’t home when he read it) was to go to bowling, drink, then buy beer and come home and drink 3 while he played video games in the basement. He has it set up so that his friends can play the same game at their houses and talk to each other; I heard him talking about how he was drunk, and how his head wasn’t right.

This morning I woke up (he was still sleeping, works tonight) and he had crumpled my note and put his wedding ring around it. I am heartbroken. Also, I wonder if he even remembers his behavior after drinking. I dont know what else to do.

OK…time for a time out. Put aside being heart-broken, even put aside the drinking. It is time to lay down some rules in your marriage.

When it is time to talk, talk. Don’t leave notes about important things, and especially do not communicate complaints with notes. Use writing to get your thoughts straight, but then find your husband and* talk*.

More to the point, the answer to the wedding ring “gesture” is to go to him with that ring and say, “Really? Put this back on. I promise you I will not leave you any more notes, but this is not how we’re going to work things out when one of us has a complaint. I am the woman who signed on to wheel you around in 30 years after you have your stroke, and you are not going to throw me away because you can’t compromise on how many beers you drink on bowling night. Good grief, do you think I’m ready to leave you? I’m upset about this because I’m afraid to lose you! I do not want you to die, I don’t want you to kill someone with a car and wind up in prison…I want you to use alcohol responsibly, so we can grow old together. So let’s stop it with taking the wedding ring off. We are not going there, got that? We are going to hang in there and work out our problems like adults who love each other.”

Then you might want to say, “Listen, I’m upset, you’re upset…let’s call a truce. We’re going to work this out. Let’s find a time to talk it over, but right now let’s just agree that we’re not ever going to threaten divorce over anything.”

 

[EasterJoy]

Never threaten divorce, and never accept such threats from him, spoken or unspoken. If it is time for a divorce, it will only be after a lot of work that proves that living in peace with each other simply is not possible or puts a family member in immediate and serious danger. Until those conditions are met with the certainty required for such a gravely serious move, talk about divorce is not on the table, period.

I like this quote, given by Karla Chambers of Corvallis as she picked up an award for her family’s Stahlbush Island Farms.

The secret to her long marriage: "I’m from Eastern Oregon. I told Bill the day I married him, we don’t divorce men over there. We just shoot 'em."

Your husband ought to know that you won’t be opting for divorce unless the only viable alternative is homicide. (I do say that tongue-in-cheek. I do not advocate actually threatening one’s spouse with a deadly weapon. )

 

[LSK]

Easter Joy gave you some very, VERY good advice.

It is time to put on your big girl panties and be the hero in this relationship.

I am a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober for 21 years. I cannot tell you if your husband is an alcoholic but I can sure tell you he is a Drama KING. Crumpling up a note and putting it around his WEDDING RING? What a BABY.

Having said that, I will tell you that guesture reminds me SO much of me I can hardly stop laughing - not at you or your pain but at the general childishness of it all. This is a married man, who has been asked to curtail ONE thing and apparently it is so damn important to him he is willing to violate a Sacrament in order to be able to drink as much as his wants, whenever he wants.

Selfish, Self Centered bratty behavior - OH MY GAWD, IT’S ME!!!

Please, give him the ring back. Get yourself to Al Anon. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself financially safe from the fall out us drunks can cause and start learning to live with a drunk. We will keep you in prayer and if he gets physically or verbally abusive, leave.

 

[EasterJoy]

Easter Joy gave you some very, VERY good advice.

It is time to put on your big girl panties and be the hero in this relationship.

I am a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober for 21 years. I cannot tell you if your husband is an alcoholic but I can sure tell you he is a Drama KING. Crumpling up a note and putting it around his WEDDING RING? What a BABY.

Having said that, I will tell you that guesture reminds me SO much of me I can hardly stop laughing - not at you or your pain but at the general childishness of it all. This is a married man, who has been asked to curtail ONE thing and apparently it is so damn important to him he is willing to violate a Sacrament in order to be able to drink as much as his wants, whenever he wants.

Selfish, Self Centered bratty behavior - OH MY GAWD, IT’S ME!!!

Please, give him the ring back. Get yourself to Al Anon. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself financially safe from the fall out us drunks can cause and start learning to live with a drunk. We will keep you in prayer and if he gets physically or verbally abusive, leave.

Al-Anon could be very helpful, whether or not the OP’s husband gets a “diagnosis” of alcoholism, because Al-Anon is all about getting support that can be vital in dealing with people who decide you are close enough to them to pull them into their dramas. You don’t have to be able to say “He is an alcoholic” in order to say “I’d like some support in dealing with problems I have.” It is worth trying; if it does not help, though, do not feel a qualm about dropping out, OP. The 12 Step programs sometimes claim you ought to be with them for life if you want to succeed, but they are no more qualified to dictate what you have to have to find your way in life than anyone else. There is only one God in this world and one true Church, and all the rest you choose based on whether or not it happens to help you with your particular situation. (Honestly, if you put “sin” in for “alcohol” in the 12-Steps, you’re practically describing the life proscribed for a Christian, right down to regular confession!)

I would also suggest Melody Beattie’s Co-Dependent No More. I don’t have an alcoholic in my life, but boy did I learn a lot from her book. After all, it isn’t the drunkenness alone that wrecks the lives of addicts. It is the deceit, the drama, the unhealthy cover-ups, the passive aggression, the walking on eggshells. In other words, it is about how to reject unhealthy interpersonal habits and replace them with ones that actually work.

Another good book, considering the OP is a newlywed, is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman. I wouldn’t be too quick to over-weight his “ability to predict” what will kill a marriage, but even so his points are well-taken. When he says something is common in marriages that are going to fail, it is worth listening to. Even if marriages don’t always fail when they have those communication patterns, be sure that those bad communication habits contribute to some of the worst moments that the couples who choose them ever share. IOW, don’t let him scare you, but do allow him to get you to wake up about what is and is not damaging to you and your spouse.

 

[EasterJoy]

… I cannot tell you if your husband is an alcoholic but I can sure tell you he is a Drama KING. Crumpling up a note and putting it around his WEDDING RING? What a BABY.

Having said that, I will tell you that guesture reminds me SO much of me I can hardly stop laughing - not at you or your pain but at the general childishness of it all. This is a married man, who has been asked to curtail ONE thing and apparently it is so damn important to him he is willing to violate a Sacrament in order to be able to drink as much as his wants, whenever he wants…

These foolish dramas are not uncommon among newlyweds. It isn’t easy to learn how to cope with problems that you don’t want to face and yet can’t walk away from. No matter how grown up we think we are, when we get married or join a religious community we are going to find that we have some growing up to do. It is very common for there to be some dramas, even if sometimes they are interior dramas. That’s why religious novices have a novice master or a novice mistress to guide them, so they don’t throw up their hands and run when they find out how hard real life can get.

OP, do not take it too hard that this went so badly. That doesn’t mean it won’t work out. The first year at taking on anything is always a big shock, whether you are married or a priest or a professor or a business owner or whatever it is you embark upon. It may seem as if the peak never gets closer as you climb, but you will get there. Keep at it, and dare to stay serene about it all. There is no need to panic, and panic wouldn’t do any good if there were.

Do pray, though. Don’t try to get through anything worth doing without stealing away to Jesus on a regular basis. That’s what this life is all about.

 

[PartoftheBody]

I feel for you February. I have been in similar situations with my husband. I have two thoughts:

1. I have found the way I approach my husband about his drinking makes all the difference. I get much farther if I approach him in a way that protects his pride and doesn’t make him seem out-of-control or irresponsible.
   For example, I just casually offer to drive instead of saying, “I think you’re too drunk to drive” or we’ll decide in advance that I drive home from events where there might be drinking so there’s no argument later about whether he’s OK to drive.
   Or I suggest we go out for a walk or do something else on a lazy Sunday afternoon when he’s about to open his fourth beer, instead of saying, “didn’t you already have 3 beers? It’s not even 4 pm?!”
   Naturally, I’d love him to limit himself to 2 or fewer drinks every day, but he has to come to that conclusion on his own. Your situation is a bit different because it seems most of the drinking goes on when you’re not there, but maybe changing the way you talk to him about it would help.
2. Perhaps a letter wasn’t the best format to bring up your concerns, but his response was completely unwarranted. Even if he was drunk at the time, taking off his ring in that way (symbolically saying he wanted to end the marriage) because you expressed concern about his behavior crossed a line spouses should never cross.
   Maybe try approaching him during a time when you are both calm and sober, asking him if you could talk about this situation. You might ask him in advance to hear you out and not interrupt you, but assure him he will also have a chance to say his piece, uninterrupted as well. Focus on “I” statements, so it expresses how his behavior affects you without sounding like a judgment on him. You might even try something like the Speaker-Listener Technique (one of many available explanations of this is at marriage-missions.com/the-speaker-listener-technique/)

I’ll be praying for you, sister! :console:

 

[JP2Admirer]

February,

As a non-drinking alcoholic, I can tell you that it is because of two people that I have not had a drink in 7 years, my wife and Jesus Christ.

I drank exactly like your husband. I was not an everyday drinker, but when I drank all I could do was think about the next drink. I would drink a 5th of whiskey, or darn near a case of beer in a sitting. My wife and I were dating, on the verge of engagement, when I got extremely drunk one night, insulted a woman, and almost got into a fight with her husband, all of which I didn’t remember the next day. When I awoke the next day, there was a letter from my future wife that was an ultimatum, ‘alcohol or me.’ The letter expressed her heartbreak over the man she loved and the Hyde of the drunken buffoon. It broke my heart to break her heart that way. I still keep that letter around in case I am ever tempted.

The truth of the matter is I felt guilty for my drinking and my drunken actions long before she gave me the ultimatum, but the ultimatum was the tipping point. Your situation is different in that you are already married, so the ultimatum would be in appropriate in your circumstances.

The wedding ring thing is something of an admission of guilt. He probably already knows he has a problem, and you asserting your pain is increasing his guilt. I used to get mad at my wife for ‘not letting me have any fun,’ but deep down I knew I was the one with the problem. She highlighted my problem and that angered me so I did childish things towards her as well.

Today, I give her all the credit for saving me from the moral disease. Because of her vigilant critique of my behavior brought me to AA, back to the faith, and back to confession. It was a 3 year battle to get completely clean. She knew I was trying, stood by my side, and was the voice of the Holy Spirit in my life. I started going to confession every time I drank, and low and behold, the good Lord made me feel extreme guilt every time I drank to the point where the pain of the guilt outweighed the pleasure of drinking. Thank God for Catholic guilt!

Keep reminding him of how his drinking is hurting you, pray the Rosary, get him to confession if you can, and stand by your man. You can be his savior as my wife is mine!

 

[bcuster]

Hello. I haven’t posted here in some time but am looking for advice. I have been married for a few months to a truly wonderful person. We are in our early thirties, both working professionals, and love each other very much.

However, he and most of his buddies like to drink. I would classify it as " a lot", but he does not think it is even an issue. Once a week (if not more), he has several drinks in one sitting (maybe 5+, enough so that he is drunk). He has driven home on a number of occasions when he was not OK to drive. Last week he drove himself home, had a short conversation with me that he does not remember having, and was hung over the next day.

His social gatherings with friends always involve alcohol, to the point where I avoid them because I don’t like to hang out with really intoxicated people. He thinks that due to my brother having a history of drug use I am blowing this out of proportion, and that this is just normal behavior. He got a DUI in the past few years, before I knew him, and a few of his friends have gotten them as well in the past.

You are not blowing this out of proportion. When a person is driving while intoxicated and has gotten a DUII, alcohol is a problem. If you can insist, your husband needs to be able to limit his drinking on his own or get treatment. In either case, Al-Anon is an excellent program for family members.

 

[Et_Cetera]

If your husband has previously gotten a DUI and continues to drive drunk, then you have a major problem on your hands. He could kill someone. He could literally kill an innocent person or himself.

 

[Et_Cetera]

Your husband sounds childish. Sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[jjgigem]

There is a book called, “Alcoholics Anonymous” (aka. Big Book) that might be helpful for you. I recommend it to everyone who may have a drinking problem or has a family member that may be drinking too much. If you do a google search on “Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book PDF”, then you can read the book online for free. Read the chapter “To Wives”. The AA people live and breathe on the material in this book even though the book was written in 1935. Attending an Al-Anon meeting in your local area would be beneficial too. Al-Anon is a free support group for family members who have an emotional attachment to a person that may be drinking too much. Lastly, talk to your pastor or deacon if you need spiritual help for yourself. Please do not keep your pain a secret. There is a lot of help available for you. Your priest or deacon may be able to put you in contact with others in your parish or a nearby parish who have dealt with the problem. I said some prayers for you and your family.

 

[noclevername]

we can’t know you or your husband well enough from this post to make a judgement. that being said…In my experience women do tend to sometimes make a mountain out of a molehill in regards to this topic. I had a DUI 4 years ago, many of my friends have as well. That’s what happens when you live in an area without public transportation. drinking is a deep seeted culturally accepted activity. and since your brother had troubles of some sort, naturally you would be more sensitive about such things. if he truly has been blackout drunk then YES THAT IS A PROBLEM. if he is violent or disrespectful to you, it is a problem. if he is genuinely being dangerous or reckless then it is a problem. anyway, men can metabolize alcohol much more efficiently and quickly than can women. and before you think i am just some drunk trolling the forums, I am a seminarian, not a drunkenness advocate!!

Wow. Your attitude and view on drinking and driving is WRONG!!! I fear for my kids’ lives when I learn that people like you are on the road. I hope you learn why your view is wrong before you kill someone.