Binge drinking

[SamH]

The fact that one DUI was not enough is pretty astonishing to me… and I say that as an addict of another kind. I was “caught” in my addiction several times as a youngster but there were no real consequences. The one time in my adult life I was caught and faced actual consequences prompted me to get some actual help.

And keep in mind I wasn’t even doing anything illegal.

So basically, yeah I think this is really out of control and absurd. It’s great that he interests and friends. It’s not great that his interests are basically getting blasted. He’s 35, not 20. He’s a grown man with responsibilities, not a kid in college.

The fact that he’s repeatedly risking arrest and serious jail time with this behavior is proof-positive that it’s out of control. If it were someone I knew, I’d probably set them up. I’d wait around for a time you knew he was leaving the bowling alley, knew he was drinking, and then call the police and report the license plate. I wouldn’t necessarily suggest it for a spouse… but sometimes you have to go to extremes.

I agree with this completely.

 

[SamH]

we can’t know you or your husband well enough from this post to make a judgement. that being said…In my experience women do tend to sometimes make a mountain out of a molehill in regards to this topic. I had a DUI 4 years ago, many of my friends have as well. That’s what happens when you live in an area without public transportation. drinking is a deep seeted culturally accepted activity. and since your brother had troubles of some sort, naturally you would be more sensitive about such things. if he truly has been blackout drunk then YES THAT IS A PROBLEM. if he is violent or disrespectful to you, it is a problem. if he is genuinely being dangerous or reckless then it is a problem. anyway, men can metabolize alcohol much more efficiently and quickly than can women. and before you think i am just some drunk trolling the forums, I am a seminarian, not a drunkenness advocate!!

Drinking - maybe - but if drinking and driving were culturally acceptable DUI’s wouldn’t involve jail time. Anytime your actions result in society deeming you need a time out in a jail cell - perhaps its time to either change your activities or move somewhere else where the activity is more socially acceptable.

 

[EasterJoy]

Drinking - maybe - but if drinking and driving were culturally acceptable DUI’s wouldn’t involve jail time. Anytime your actions result in society deeming you need a time out in a jail cell - perhaps its time to either change your activities or move somewhere else where the activity is more socially acceptable.

We live in times where there are lots of cultures living side by side that do not see eye-to-eye concerning what is and is not acceptable. Even if the majority of rural people thought it was good to make some stiff laws to stop drinking and driving, there will also be rural people who think that is a “city-people” sort of law to pass. IOW, the people who wanted to hang on to the culture where being on the road with a drunk or two was one of those “oh, well, whaddaya gonna do” hazards of life were not the ones who put the laws in. They aren’t really inclined to move, because they figure “hey, we’ve always done it this way, and none of us is dead yet.” (Of course, the ironic thing is the number of rural people I know who don’t believe it is safe to be on the road in any urban area at any time, because even when the drivers are sober they believe most of them are a total menace!)

(I recently heard the following quip: Hey, did you hear John got a ticket? Yeah, he was caught driving a pick-up in the State of Idaho without an open beer in it. Drivers may not drink while driving in Idaho and open containers of wine or hard liquor are prohibited, but passengers are allowed to have open containers of beer.)

 

[on_the_hill]

the road with a drunk or two was one of those “oh, well, whaddaya gonna do” hazards of life were not the ones who put the laws in.

A friend of mine tells how when she was young it wasn’t uncommon for her parents and their friends to park their cars on their neighbors’ lawns, knock over mailboxes, etc. and not realize what happened until the next morning. It was just one of those things back in the early 1970s.

 

[EasterJoy]

A friend of mine tells how when she was young it wasn’t uncommon for her parents and their friends to park their cars on their neighbors’ lawns, knock over mailboxes, etc. and not realize what happened until the next morning. It was just one of those things back in the early 1970s.

Oh, yes. I can’t tell you all the “amusing” stories I heard told about embarrassing incidents that happened to people who’d had too much to drink, both on the road and off of it. I remember when Mothers Against Drunk Driving got started; a lot of people thought they were controlling, extremist nut jobs. Of course, that was back when there was a debate about whether or not seatbelts did any good. It was also a time, though, when even relatively small high schools would have at least one 8x10 photo in every yearbook, a picture of the young person who hadn’t lived to graduate with his or her class. It was essentially always an alcohol-related death. Tragic.

 

[styrgwillidar]

…

So, what do you think? Am I blowing this out of proportion because of my brother’s history, or is there a bigger problem here?

You are not blowing it out of proportion, and yes, there is a bigger problem here.

You two are married. There is a problem if one of you brings up an issue and not taken seriously and your opinion respected by the other. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to agree- but there needs to be listening (both ways) and respect.

Then- compromise when there is room for compromise. I don’t see an agreement not to drive drunk as being unreasonable.

There are going to be a lot of issues that come up in your marriage- raising the kids, dealing with relatives, finances, medical issues, job changes or moves. In every case you’re going to have to be able to work as a team- express your opinions, rationale, and work to a solution/agreement together. So you both support the way forward, whatever it is.

The drinking is a problem for him because it is causing a problem with you that he hasn’t resolved. Regardless of DUIs, arrangements he’s comfortable with etc. ETA: or whether he’s an alcoholic or not. He needs to understand he’s on a team with you now, that you have to work together, plan together, deal with issues—yours and his together. If he works with you for joint solutions/resolutions than you’ll be 100% supportive in the way forward. If he wanted to always act independently, he shouldn’t have taken the vow to form a married partnership.

just my .02

Agree with the advice that using this issue as a template for working together on a contentious issue, setting a precedent, is every bit as important as solving this specific issue.

 

[mommamaree]

Wow, this is interesting timing. I just posted a very similar thread before I realized this thread existed. I am going to go back and read all the replies, and see if there is anything that will help me in my situation.