I’m a man in a similar situation to the OP. Wife and I have been married 11 years, both cradle Catholics who approached the faith cafeteria style- we chose which Church teaching to follow and ignored what we didn’t agree with, namely contraception.
My wife was on the pill for many years and would go off the pill when we decided to try for children. (we have 3 wonderful girls) She went off the pill about a year ago and we discussed my getting a vasectomy, which I halfheartedly agreed to at the time but kept putting off.
I recently reverted to fullness of the faith and Church teaching, and my wife has not. Needless to say my newfound conviction to not only not get a vasectomy but not use contraceptives at all anymore threw her for a loop.
We have been having marital problems for years (largely stemming from my selfish, emotionally abusive behavior in the past, during her pregnancies in particular). Through prayer, self reflection, pastoral counseling and my newfound faith, I’m working on being a better more loving husband. She acknowledges a tremendous change in me and has forgiven me for my past sins, but is absolutely terrified that she could get pregnant again, and I completely understand her feelings. I don’t think it would be good for her emotional health to get pregnant again either.
We’ve just started speaking with our priest to try and work through our marital problems and heal the pain, but she is refusing to budge on the sterilization issue. I have suggested we learn more about NFP, but every time I try to mention it she practically sticks her fingers in her ears and shouts “lalalalala I can’t hear you”. She is 100% convinced that NFP does not work, citing two people she knows who got pregnant using NFP in the past. She now says that because she has sacrificed so much in the past by enduring me, taking the pill for so long, etc. that it is now time for me to make a sacrifice for her and get the V, and my refusal to do so is my continuing to be selfish.
I tried to explain my newfound understanding of the moral issue of contraception/sterlization, but she doesn’t like me “preaching” to her, and my newfound conviction to my faith upsets her. I tried to get her to simply open up her mind and learn a bit more about NFP before she condemns it, but no dice. I am very conscious not to be preachy to her, but when she says that the Church’s views of contraception are archaic and that even our friends who are churchgoing Catholics get vasectomies there is nothing wrong with it, I simply am trying to defend my position by explaining it to her in a non confrontational way.
I pointed her to some research indicating the long term health risks of sterilization. She dismissed it as paranoia. I bought a book on the Fertility Awareness Method and offered to let her read it when I am done. Nope. I pointed her to the Couple to Couple League website. “Catholic Propaganda”.
She is so angry at me over this she has threatened to leave the Church, and is now not sure she is even willing to speak with our priest about our problems. She wants to find a non-catholic oriented counseling service. I understand that she is now feeling attacked again and wants to be free from anxiety and worry, and have someone tell her that what she expects of me is proper.
She flat out believes that NFP is bunk and won’t hear otherwise. She thinks she will live in constant fear of getting pregnant if we practice it, that she “once again” will have to do all the work, that all that talk about NFP bringing couples closer is a bunch of BS, and I’m pushing this to try and avoid my responsibility to her. She has told me that if she gets pregnant again we’re done (although I believe that to be an empty threat). Needless to say I’ve abstained from sex for about the last month, which hasn’t done much to help her disposition. I don’t want to abstain from sex forever but I am willing to- she is not. I sincerely hope she doesn’t give up on pastoral counseling and that we are able to work through our problems in a healthy, mutually loving way.
Sorry for the long winded post, but I just wanted to let the OP know I feel your pain. Marriages where one spouse suddenly has a dramatic change in their spiritual life and the other does not can be a tremendous strain.
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