Birth Control Issue

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Honestly, this is a dealbreaker issue. I hate to be blunt, but if this isn’t worked out before you get married it will only be a HUGE problem during your marriage that could potentially ruin your marriage. Sex and children are important issues in a marriage. If you cannot see eye to eye on these you are going to have a hard marriage.

I pray that you two will be able to work it out, but I also want you to remember that there are MANY Catholic women out there that do not contracept and do believe in becoming one body upon marriage. You aren’t necessarily destined to a single life if you do not marry this one girl.
 
silentfactor80 said:
Thanks for all the replies. My comments:

Runningdue said:
“This should have been discussed before you became engaged. Now that you know her position, it may be prudent to reconsider the engagement.”
Code: 
We did and at the time she said she would consider it. Then thanks to politics and a bunch of her uninformed friends (liberal "Catholics") her position changed.
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I am sorry to say that this was a predictable outcome. You girlfriend committed only to “consider” using NFP. She followed through and considered its use, and then rejected it.

You can’t blame her friends, or society; this was her decision to listen to them over you. You unwisely chose to be became engaged to her before this issue was firmly settled. Now that her mind is made up, you may have to reconsider your engagement.

Until you take your marriage vows, you have no irrevocable commitment to her. Don’t be bullied into giving up your values. Don’t cling to her because you are afraid of never finding someone else. Living the Catholic faith takes courage.

If you do break up with her, discuss your values openly and early in all future relationships. This may mean a lot of “first dates” with no follow up, but that is OK. Millions of women might reject you, but there are still thousands out their who will respect your values and love you. It takes time and courage to find them. God Bless!
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Mulligan2 said:
If you aren’t in agreement on this issue prior to marriage, it is likely to become a bigger wedge issue after you are married.

It seems to me like she is not right for you. And by the same token, you are not right for her. Your paradigms are different.

This is just my two cents, but I think it would be very unfair of you to marry her with the intention of changing her into someone she is not.
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I certainly didn’t intended on marrying her with the intent to change her. I think I may have understated what I meant by she would “consider NFP.” When we had the discussion she said she really liked not having to take the Pill because she’s known people that have had bad reactions to it. She sounded excited about it then took a 180 no way street.

In any case, thanks for your advice here. I see I have 3 options: 1) Break off the engagement 2) Sin 3) Hope God gives her new insight

1 is not looking so unpalatable right now
2 is a non starter for me
3 is hopeful thinking

In someways maybe 1 is the best option. If I break it off though I’m done (by my own choosing). I’ve been contemplating lately that to even bring kids into this messed up world these days is a sin. I’ve seen faithful Catholic parents (both the super strict and moderate ones) loose their kids to today’s vices. The radical left has learned how effectively campaign for souls and those on the right are clueless. I don’t care to bring kids in this world to be sacrificed at the alter of liberalism.
 
runningdude said:
silentfactor80;10256755:
Thanks for all the replies. My comments:

I am sorry to say that this was a predictable outcome. You girlfriend committed only to “consider” using NFP. She followed through and considered
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its use, and then rejected it.

You can’t blame her friends, or society; this was her decision to listen to them over you. You unwisely chose to be became engaged to her before this issue was firmly settled. Now that her mind is made up, you may have to reconsider your engagement.

Until you take your marriage vows, you have no irrevocable commitment to her. Don’t be bullied into giving up your values. Don’t cling to her because you are afraid of never finding someone else. Living the Catholic faith takes courage.

If you do break up with her, discuss your values openly and early in all future relationships. This may mean a lot of “first dates” with no follow up, but that is OK. Millions of women might reject you, but there are still thousands out their who will respect your values and love you. It takes time and courage to find them. God Bless!

Yeah, thanks I got it. It is a heck of a lot easier and better off to stay single. I think I know now what Paul meant when he said it was better if we remained single. 1 Cor 7 1-3
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silentfactor80 said:
runningdude;10260198:
Yeah, thanks I got it. It is a heck of a lot easier and better off to stay single. I think I know now what Paul meant when he said it was better if we remained single. 1 Cor 7 1-3
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That’s not what I mean at all! You got hurt badly by this woman, but you shouldn’t give up on marriage, if that is your calling. Once you’ve healed a bit and moved on, your future dating should be oriented towards finding a faithful marriage partner. 🙂
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I haven’t read all the replies after the OP, but this seems to be a very important subject where you need to get on the same page before marriage. In my opinion, it would have been better if you would have talked about these matters even prior to engagement.

The catholic position is that artificial birthcontrol is sinful. Is your fiance catholic? If so you need to help her understand that as a member of the Church, she is supposed to uphold Church teaching. If she is not a catholic, you need to focus more on scientific and philosophical arguments.

Personally, I would never want a woman that means so much to me take “the pill”. Not only because it would be sinful according to the Church, but it would be very unhealthy for her. It obviously can disorder her hormones (that’s how it works), and it also can dehydrate her vaginal wall (I hope that’s the correct term in Englisch), which has a number of negative health effects.

I would say the best way is to explain to her that obviously you care about her, and therefore care about her well-being - both spiritually and physically.

All the best to the two of you (let’s hope that soon you will become one).
 
silentfactor80 said:
In someways maybe 1 is the best option. If I break it off though I’m done (by my own choosing). I’ve been contemplating lately that to even bring kids into this messed up world these days is a sin. I’ve seen faithful Catholic parents (both the super strict and moderate ones) loose their kids to today’s vices. The radical left has learned how effectively campaign for souls and those on the right are clueless. I don’t care to bring kids in this world to be sacrificed at the alter of liberalism.
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I just scrolled up a bit and saw this, and really wanted to respond.

By no means am I any kind of expert, but one thing I do know for certain (and every member of the Church should): Children are a gift of God and bringing them into the world is certainly NOT sinful. It actually is one of the most wonderful things human beings are capable of doing.

I have heard this statement many times before about the world being so evil and how could you bring a child into this wickedness. Well by that logic, it would be best if we all commited suicide so nobody has to live in this mess. Let me ask you this, how do you think the world is supposed to change? People need to bring about the change. That means you and your spouse, but also your children. You need to equip your kids to combat the errors of the world, and it won’t even be very hard if they are rooted in the faith. Will times still get tough? Of course, that’s the way it’s always been. The answer however, is not to just give up and resignate.

Oh, and before you really break up with your fiance, you need to do a lot more than just ask a few strangers on an Internet forum. Think and PRAY about it long and hard, and talk to your local priest if you can. Maybe both of you can talk to him together. Personally, I could imagine if both of you spend some time together in Eucharistic adoration, you might see a miracle.
 
Markus2007 said:
I just scrolled up a bit and saw this, and really wanted to respond.

By no means am I any kind of expert, but one thing I do know for certain (and every member of the Church should): Children are a gift of God and bringing them into the world is certainly NOT sinful. It actually is one of the most wonderful things human beings are capable of doing.

I have heard this statement many times before about the world being so evil and how could you bring a child into this wickedness. Well by that logic, it would be best if we all commited suicide so nobody has to live in this mess. Let me ask you this, how do you think the world is supposed to change? People need to bring about the change. That means you and your spouse, but also your children. You need to equip your kids to combat the errors of the world, and it won’t even be very hard if they are rooted in the faith. Will times still get tough? Of course, that’s the way it’s always been. The answer however, is not to just give up and resignate.

Oh, and before you really break up with your fiance, you need to do a lot more than just ask a few strangers on an Internet forum. Think and PRAY about it long and hard, and talk to your local priest if you can. Maybe both of you can talk to him together. Personally, I could imagine if both of you spend some time together in Eucharistic adoration, you might see a miracle.
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I think suicide and choosing not to have kids are two very different things. Not a good comparison in my book. In any case though I do agree with the rest of what you said. The problem though is I have seen many faithful parents end up with the rottenest kids. Just being faithful yourself doesn’t guarantee you will have God-loving kids.

I certainly will pray about it before making any harsh decisions. One thing I am worried about now though is she will agree not to take and do so anyway. Perhaps this is my own issue but starting a marriage off with a lack of trust is never good.
 
Silentfactor, that’s a tough circumstance to be in. I’ll pray for you.

How does she feel about abortion? If she is against it, maybe you can explain that many forms of contraception (including the pill) are abortifacients.

I’m going to say something unpopular here. If she agrees to only use non-abortifacient forms of birth control, that might not be the worst thing in the world. That may make me a terrible person for suggesting it, but I get depressed by seeing the number of relationships and marriages that are thrown into turmoil due to the Church’s teaching on contraception.
 
scree said:
Silentfactor, that’s a tough circumstance to be in. I’ll pray for you.

How does she feel about abortion? If she is against it, maybe you can explain that many forms of contraception (including the pill) are abortifacients.

I’m going to say something unpopular here. If she agrees to only use non-abortifacient forms of birth control, that might not be the worst thing in the world. That may make me a terrible person for suggesting it, but I get depressed by seeing the number of relationships and marriages that are thrown into turmoil due to the Church’s teaching on contraception.
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She is against it, with the common exceptions of to save the mothers life and rape. It is depressing to see relationships thrown into turmoil but at the same time I would have an issue with BC even if the church didn’t teach it was bad. The risk of side-effects does not warrant it. Yes, I am sure many women take it with no problem at all but asking a person make the risk only for enjoyments sake does not sit well with my personal code of honor as a human being. Condoms may not have side-effects but they aren’t too reliable either. NFP is certainly better than latex.
 
I’m curious, how old are you, how old is she, and how many kids do you want?
 
scree said:
Are you comfortable with the real possibility you can end up with more than 2 kids? Or having to abstain from sex the majority of time?
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I could accommodate 3 but no more than that. I also do not mind abstaining. I think a great deal of bonding occurs when you have to find creative ways to express love.
 
silentfactor80 said:
I’ve been contemplating lately that to even bring kids into this messed up world these days is a sin. I’ve seen faithful Catholic parents (both the super strict and moderate ones) loose their kids to today’s vices. … I don’t care to bring kids in this world to be sacrificed at the alter of liberalism.
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That’s a very understandable point of view. It’s certainly not new. As long ago as the first few centuries there were sects that believed and taught this. The church has explicitly defined this belief as a heresy. - But it’s one that has re-surfaced generation after generation.

To bring children into the world is to cooperate with Gods plan for creation, and to obey one of his first commandants to Man: “Go forth and multiply…”
Yes there is Evil still in the world, but remember Jesus has triumphed over Evil, and it’s remaining vestiges are just a hang-over desperately pretending it’ still has a chance, and drawing people away from Christ by any means available.
 
silentfactor80 said:
I could accommodate 3 but no more than that. I also do not mind abstaining. I think a great deal of bonding occurs when you have to find creative ways to express love.
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Birth control aside, I would check if she feels the same way about these statements.
 
scree said:
Birth control aside, I would check if she feels the same way about these statements.
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She most certainly does not! She is ok with the possibility of 3 kids but no sex is not a option. She said its unrealistic to think couples abstain and that sex is important for a healthy marriage. She also can’t believe a guy would suggest such a thing lol! I tried to explain to her that I care more about her and her well being than the sex but it just doesn’t register. It is sad that faithful intimacy has been traded for physical pleasure these days. A sense of the sacred nature of sex has been forgotten.
 
silentfactor80 said:
She most certainly does not! She is ok with the possibility of 3 kids but no sex is not a option. She said its unrealistic to think couples abstain and that sex is important for a healthy marriage. She also can’t believe a guy would suggest such a thing lol! I tried to explain to her that I care more about her and her well being than the sex but it just doesn’t register. It is sad that faithful intimacy has been traded for physical pleasure these days. A sense of the sacred nature of sex has been forgotten.
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NFP can be more effective than the birth control pills and you can still engage in sex around half the month (ask some of the women here for more details)
 
Dakota_Roberts said:
NFP can be more effective than the birth control pills and you can still engage in sex around half the month (ask some of the women here for more details)
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Thanks Dakota! I have printed out tons of literature and reviews on NFP. I think I am learning that my fiancee is one of those people who think Catholicism is only about social justice for the poor and the other stuff is less important. I’ve met some priests that talk like that. They make gods out of the poor while shrugging their shoulders at the church’s teaching on sexuality. I think both are important but clearly some people only like the stuff that makes them look good according to others.
 
1ke said:
you are not yet married. This is a clear sign that you should not proceed with marriage to this woman.

This is not a negotiation. This is a deal breaker.
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This.

:sad_yes:

The militant attitude is a huge problem. Edit: I see you have already reached the conclusion that you will have to break off the engagement. I’m so sorry, but when two people disagree on this issue, it’s going to cause pain down the road. If you want my story, I’ll give you a synopsis.
 
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