Birth Control Woes

[DJHohl]

Hi there,

First of all, I believe in the Church’s view on birth control, but I don’t practice it. It also is a source of great spiritual turmoil for me. You see, my wife does not believe in the Church teaching and although she does want some children, she wants the use of contraception. My choice would be to leave her, to stop physical relations, or break the Church law and commit sin. I chose the last. Now my question is…is the use of contraception a venial or mortal sin, and under my situation, am I commiting a sin or doing the less of three evils?

Happy Advent!

DJ

 

[Catherine_W]

You see, my wife does not believe in the Church teaching and although she does want some children, she wants the use of contraception. My choice would be to leave her, to stop physical relations, or break the Church law and commit sin. I chose the last. Now my question is…is the use of contraception a venial or mortal sin, and under my situation, am I commiting a sin or doing the less of three evils?

Well using birth control is a mortal sin. However in your situation, I have read there are specific ways it could not be sinful for you.
As long as you are not the one putting on or administering the contraception and are continually trying to change your wife’s view on contraception, then I believe that you are not committing a sin, but your wife is.

For example, if your wife takes birth control and you continually pray for her to change her views and also talk with her about this, you may still engage in marital relations without being sinful.

However, if you use a condom because your wife insists on contraception, then you are committing a moral sin.

*I am not an authority on this, but I think I have seen this question answered this way in the forums before.

Also… have you tried to teach your wife about NFP? Have you learned about it yourself? It is very safe and very effective! You should really learn as much as you can about NFP! It’s GREAT! As I said before, even if the case is that you are not committing a mortal sin, your wife is… and as a husband your job should be to help your wife become a saint. Thus you really should try to help your wife understand the sin of contraception and learn about a wonderful option… NFP!

 

[Sina]

Great answer posted by the previous poster. Is your wife Catholic?

I sympathize with your situation.

 

[DJHohl]

Yes she is Catholic but not very devout. It is a difficult situation. Please pray for us.

DJ

 

[DJHohl]

And thank you.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Hi there,

First of all, I believe in the Church’s view on birth control, but I don’t practice it. It also is a source of great spiritual turmoil for me. You see, my wife does not believe in the Church teaching and although she does want some children, she wants the use of contraception. My choice would be to leave her, to stop physical relations, or break the Church law and commit sin. I chose the last. Now my question is…is the use of contraception a venial or mortal sin, and under my situation, am I commiting a sin or doing the less of three evils?

Happy Advent!

DJ

**There is hope!

When my husband met and married me I was a non-Catholic, ABC using, I’ll keep doing things my way and you do yours your way kind of girl

But through his probably near constant prayer and his gentle patient guidance I changed. Your wife can too. You need to let her know that you believe what she is doing is wrong and it hurts you. Don’t be pushy, don’t threaten her, and don’t try to change her. But pray for her and educate her (subtly).

Respect her own free will but insist that she respect yours by not asking you to go against your own morals.
**

 

[Lil_M]

I agree with the pp about learning NFP. As I approached engagement I felt that we would have to use BC simply because I did not really understand NFP or Church teaching on the matter. Then I learned how effective NFP is. And in like one day I did a 180, and my fiance was surprisingly in agreement, and he was Protestant at the time! I did a lot of reading on Theology of the Body which made things very clear, and also the audio file “Contraception: Why Not” by Dr Janet Smith.

Also, maybe to show your seriousness on the issue perhaps you could abstain if she refuses to stop using BC. I understand it may not be a mortal sin given extenuating circumstances, but this may give both of you the proper perspective on the situation, renew your commitment to Church teaching and give her the opportunity to truly understand it. Maybe some married couples could weigh in on whether this would be appropriate, I’m not quite there yet

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi there,

First of all, I believe in the Church’s view on birth control, but I don’t practice it. It also is a source of great spiritual turmoil for me. You see, my wife does not believe in the Church teaching and although she does want some children, she wants the use of contraception. My choice would be to leave her, to stop physical relations, or break the Church law and commit sin. I chose the last. Now my question is…is the use of contraception a venial or mortal sin, and under my situation, am I commiting a sin or doing the less of three evils?

Happy Advent!

DJ

I will keep praying & you keep praying. I was on the pill for years (did not know it was a mortal sin:blush: )…and went off it then back on it for hormone only issues, and then decided to just give it up totally. It’s better for you to not be on something artificial as well…your wife will eventually come around. Keep planting seeds!

 

[baltobetsy]

Feanaro’s wife and Catherine W have given you excellent, correct advice. I would only add to that the advice for you to take this to the priest in confession, who can advise you personally according to your circumstances and also give you absolution.

Keep praying for her. People can change.

Betsy

 

[marci]

Also, maybe to show your seriousness on the issue perhaps you could abstain if she refuses to stop using BC.

 

[setter]

I think this would be a big NO NO. It is my understanding that a spouse is not to deny indefinately the marital act to the other.

If non-contracepting spouse’s conscience is significantly rattled over the contracepting spouse’s insistence to use ABC, why would it not be in the non-contracepting spouse’s moral perogative to abstain form sexual relations? Is not the mental, spiritual and relationship distress of the non-contracepting spouse as equally valid as the marital distress resulting from the contracepting Catholic spouse?

 

[Ron_Conte]

Is your wife is using chemical contraceptives, which are abortifacient (i.e. sometimes work by preventing implantation after conception)?

If so, then in my opinion you are committing a mortal sin by having relations with her because you would be in material cooperation with someone committing the mortal sin of abortion.

In such a case, it would not be sinful for you to refrain from marital relations in order to avoid the possibility of abortion.

 

[puzzleannie]

there is a bigger problem than the moral dilemma faced by OP, which should be discussed with his priest in confession, not here. It is the failure of two people who have decided to marry to agree on their vocation, their priorities, to discern God’s plan for themselves and their family, and to be together in their planning and goals. This is going to cause a lot of harm and tension down the road, and I hope that the BC issue will be a catalyst for some much needed mutual discussion and discernment for this and other couples in a similar situation.

 

[kage_ar]

there is a bigger problem than the moral dilemma faced by OP, which should be discussed with his priest in confession, not here. It is the failure of two people who have decided to marry to agree on their vocation, their priorities, to discern God’s plan for themselves and their family, and to be together in their planning and goals. This is going to cause a lot of harm and tension down the road, and I hope that the BC issue will be a catalyst for some much needed mutual discussion and discernment for this and other couples in a similar situation.

AMEN!!

 

[Gizmo]

First of all, I believe in the Church’s view on birth control, but I don’t practice it.

DJ, if you believe it then you know you should at least be trying to practice this. I understand that the turmoil from must be great. Have you expressed this to your wife? Have you told her how you feel about the following of what the Church has set forth?

… am I committing a sin or doing the less of three evils?

Using contraception is an evil and is seen as means that are “morally unacceptable”, as said in the Catechism. I would say that that yes - you are committing a sin when you do this. Just because you would rather not contracept, because of your wife’s wishes, you are doing it. This is a tough spot that you are in. On one hand have you have your wife and on the other what your conscience is telling you.

I’ll say a prayer for you and your wife.

 

[marci]

If non-contracepting spouse’s conscience is significantly rattled over the contracepting spouse’s insistence to use ABC, why would it not be in the non-contracepting spouse’s moral perogative to abstain form sexual relations? Is not the mental, spiritual and relationship distress of the non-contracepting spouse as equally valid as the marital distress resulting from the contracepting Catholic spouse?

I’m pretty sure the church teaches that withholding sex from ones spouse is a sin generally. Whether or not it would be in this specific circumstance I don’t know, but I would speak to a priest before I would advise doing this. I don’t think that basically blackmailing your sponse into doing the right thing will bring about the change of heart necessary for embracing the use of NFP vs. ABC.

 

[Gizmo]

I’m pretty sure the church teaches that withholding sex from ones spouse is a sin generally.

Sure withholding one’s right to that can sometimes be wrong, I think it is right to say that the withholding that the Church speaks of is the withholding of a conjugal act that is unitive and pro-creative.

 

[DJHohl]

I bought a NFP book for her and showed it to her. She looked it over and said I was crazy to want to do that. She thinks it is the weirdest thing. That was two years ago but it really upset me and made me paranoid about bringing it up again.

 

[Catherine_W]

I bought a NFP book for her and showed it to her. She looked it over and said I was crazy to want to do that. She thinks it is the weirdest thing. That was two years ago but it really upset me and made me paranoid about bringing it up again.

Here is another option…
Do you know anything about the precana classes offered in your area? As part of our marriage prep we attended a precana and one part was a very good discussion about NFP. Maybe you could contact your local parish and see if they have any informative classes/ informationals about NFP. Then you could ask your wife to attend one with you. Maybe if she was in a presentation, and could actually see people who said that it worked for them and is effective… then she would start to open up to the idea?

Also, I would strongly recommend you get the book “The Good News about Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West. Its a short book, and could be a good read for you and your wife… I think it did a good job explaining how marital sex must be always be unitive and open to life. Also, Rome sweet home by Scott Hahn… actually during their conversion the one thing that started to convince them that the Catholic Church was true was its teachings on contraception.

Also, you said your wife is Catholic… maybe you need to start back to the basics… and begin to teacher her more about the authority of the church, the infallibility of the pope, and so on. If she can see that the church is true… then she will accept the church’s teaching on contraception.

Is she aware the birth control pills can cause an abortion?