I’m not sure where to put this, or if I’m on the right forum. I don’t know my birth dad… my mom expected to be with him, but it didn’t work out. I have the best dad ever, but I still hurt for my birth dad. I want to know about him and if he wants to know about me. I know I have more family out there, but I don’t know if it’s my right to find out about them. Should I approach this as aggressively as I’d like to?
Lizzy
Lizzy, oh how I hope you read this. I am on the opposite side. I am a birth mother and my son was taken from me illegally. When I found out the adoption was illegal I had to make the decision as to whether to get him back or let it go. The attorney was one of the top two attorneys in the state, he had royalty as clients, was a multi-millionaire and I have no doubt whatsoever that what he told me was true. He said the adoption was illegal, I could get my son back, and I would receive one million dollars. And as he was a friend of my sister I don’t even think he would have taken a cut of the money or charged me any fees whatsoever.
I didn’t know how my son was doing. I didn’t know if he had even been told he had been adopted. The birth certificate was changed. His real parents’ names were removed.
I declined because the money was of no consequence compared to the happiness of my son. Although I admit that money would be greatly appreciated now I looked upon it as sort of like blood money and would not allow it to be a factor in my decision.
I regret my decision and I don’t regret my decision. I miss my son horribly. I don’t understand why he was stolen from me. Often adoption stories are very complicated. Mine included a husband who had died, in-laws who blamed me for his death and who lied in depositions about me. Everything I tried to do to improve my life was held against me. I saw a psychiatrist because my husband’s death had been a violent suicide and I found him. Therefore I was “crazy” and had no credibility. My ex in-laws were good liars and were also suffering as they had lost their son.
I spent a long time on Facebook looking at photos and I think I found a photo of my son. I didn’t send him a message because to be honest I am terrified. What if he says he hates me because I “abandoned” him? What if he agrees to see me and when I open the door he smacks me hard across the face? What if he denies being adopted even though the birth date and his first name remain the same and I can pretty much prove that he was adopted?
What if he says he hates me?
What if he says he HATES me?
What will I do then? I will have lost him a third time. I can’t go through that. I want so much to talk to him, to explain what happened, to defend myself, to be a part of his life (there was a woman with him in the photo). But I am absolutely terrified. It’s like I hope he will try to contact me and if he allows me to explain I will probably hug him and never let him go. My sweet little boy - I love him so much.
I hold onto that. I’m too terrified to take any further steps at this point.
You’re in the same predicament. What if you meet your birth-father and he says he never wanted you and doesn’t want you in his life? Can you handle that rejection?
If you can my advice is to find him because it’s quite possible that he is like me, wishing and praying that my son will come to me. You can probably find him. Facebook is a good start.
If you wish to discuss this further please PM me. The loss of my son has caused severe depression that I can’t shake. And he is 28 years old. He still has a huge part of my heart. I carried him inside me for eight months. How much closer can two people be?
What worries me is that you might not be ready to face possible rejection. Please be sure of that before you proceed.
Please excuse my rambling. This is the best I can do right now. I will pray for you.
