Biting my tongue with my (almost) new in-law

[skigirl1689]

How do you deal with an in-law that talks horribly about your parent/family? I generally love my sister’s fiance and they’re getting married this week, but I am starting to see his true colors, so to speak. He began speaking ill of my father, and he threatened to “go off” at him at the wedding. Yes, my father is not a saint and everyone is a bit stressed, but really? And it stems from my father taking interest in my sister’s car, really petty stuff.

On top of it he disparages my entire extended family just because they’re related to my parents. Yes, some are, shall we say, eccentric, but they’re not out of the “norm.”

When he says things like this in front of me as he has, I want to defend my family as I think he’s over critical of them, but I bite my tongue and let him go. I’m not sure if it is the best thing to do, but I don’t want to start a fight or anything. What would you do?

I guess I just am having a difficult time being happy this week when it seems my future brother-in-law can’t stand my family, and I feel bad I am not excited as I feel I should be, like I’m being a bad sister. I haven’t said anything to upset the peace, and of course, I won’t.

Please pray for me, it is difficult to hear my family criticized and I can’t defend them or myself as I need to keep peace for my sister’s sake.

 

[skigirl1689]

I will keep you in my prayers.

Is there a way to tell your brother-in-law nicely “You know John, I know that my dad frustrates you but I would rather not talk about him if it’s okay with you.” and repeat as necessary. Something along those lines that isn’t total silence but isn’t engaging in the fight either. Just something simple where you would rather not talk about it! This is common with families, friends, co-workers and neighbors. Think about when you are with a group of people and an uncomfortable topic comes up like religion or politics…usually (or hopefully) someone with common sense will gracefully steer the conversation away from these hot topics. Hope this helps a little, God bless you.

Thank you. Yes, I will have to work on being assertive in changing the subject.

Ugh, that’s an upsetting situation, I feel for you…especially because you so would want to be happy for your sister right now.

I do think you can defend your family and still keep the peace. If it was me, I’d respond in support of your family whenever he says something negative, but I’d do it in a gentle manner.
If this is what he is like, surely you don’t want to go through the rest of your life biting your tongue. And some people just have a way of talking critically and they are not even aware of it, so your responding may be good for him, too.
He could be acting out this way because he’s under stress from the wedding…but still. The week of one’s wedding isn’t the best time to criticize one’s new family.

Does he do it in front of your sister? Does she not notice? Does it bother her?

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He has done this in the past in front of my sister, but I am unsure if she just lets him or if she kind of agrees with him as she also is critical of my parents at times and me most of the time. It kind of makes me wonder if they’re going to distance themselves from all of us as time passes and that makes me really sad. The ironic thing is his mother is more meddling and they usually let her.

I will have to be more vocal, kindly, but I don’t think this week is the right time to try as I am not sure how he’d react to me speaking up. I’ve been told I butt in too much simply when contributing to average conversations .

 

[EasterJoy]

“Do you mind? He’s not perfect, but he’s my dad. You won’t accomplish anything by running him down in front of me.”

Stress that: that is, you don’t care about what the facts are, because establishing whether or not your dad has some fault will accomplish nothing. If your brother-in-law has some problem with your dad that he just cannot let go of, the most healthy thing to say (even if you agree with him) is: “Since we are all adults here, and don’t need anyone to fight our battles for us, it’s for the best if we take our problems to the person we have a problem with, and leave everyone else out of it. I’m sure you’d want the same, so if you or Trish is upset with Dad, take it up with Dad, not me.”

If you are ever livid with your Dad for some real offense he has committed against you, it won’t hurt you to have this come back at you. It would be healthy. If your brother-in-law pulls a stinker and has the whole family mad at them, this would also be the best tack for you to take with them. Stick with that, then: not that your relatives–including your newest one–are beyond criticism, but that person to complain to is the person you have a complaint with, and not the whole rest of the tribe.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you. Yes, I will have to work on being assertive in changing the subject.

He has done this in the past in front of my sister, but I am unsure if she just lets him or if she kind of agrees with him as she also is critical of my parents at times and me most of the time. It kind of makes me wonder if they’re going to distance themselves from all of us as time passes and that makes me really sad. The ironic thing is his mother is more meddling and they usually let her.

I will have to be more vocal, kindly, but I don’t think this week is the right time to try as I am not sure how he’d react to me speaking up. I’ve been told I butt in too much simply when contributing to average conversations .

Don’t get into what they’ll do in the future…you’d be making yourself sad about something that hasn’t even happened yet! Have a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries that won’t give you heartburn, avoid drama whenever drama can be avoided, and let the chips fall where they may. “Sufficient for the day are its own troubles…”

 

[Aggies08]

If he won’t drop it, you tell him you won’t listen to him disparage your family, and leave the room. Every time. Ideally, your fiance/husband should be defending you/doing this as well.

 

[skigirl1689]

Don’t get into what they’ll do in the future…you’d be making yourself sad about something that hasn’t even happened yet! Have a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries that won’t give you heartburn, avoid drama whenever drama can be avoided, and let the chips fall where they may. “Sufficient for the day are its own troubles…”

Yes, you are correct. A lot of things could change, and I am not worrying about it. I do think this week is just very stressful and a bit crazy for everyone. Large extended family, divorced parents on one side, so much to do…I sympathize with them if they’re stressed a bit.

If he won’t drop it, you tell him you won’t listen to him disparage your family, and leave the room. Every time. Ideally, your fiance/husband should be defending you/doing this as well.

Good advice. It has gotten a bit better over the past few days so no one has “gone off” on anyone, so far, so good. I am single, so it’d be nice to have some back-up/support, but I am on my own.

 

[Ms_Manners]

How do you deal with an in-law that talks horribly about your parent/family? I generally love my sister’s fiance and they’re getting married this week, but I am starting to see his true colors, so to speak. He began speaking ill of my father, and he threatened to “go off” at him at the wedding. Yes, my father is not a saint and everyone is a bit stressed, but really?

Is your father also your sister’s father, i.e. his future father-in-law?
Does he do it around your sister? What does she think?
You may not be married, but it seems like the support you need here should come from your sister, even if you do not happen to have the same father. She should tell her husband not to do it.
Do any of his feelings toward your family include his future wife?
I know we are not the same as our parents, but unfortunately it has often been confirmed that if a man does not think highly of his entire family-in-law, he also feels superior in some way to his wife who comes from that family, and that can be dangerous foundation for a marriage.

 

[skigirl1689]

Is your father also your sister’s father, i.e. his future father-in-law?
Does he do it around your sister? What does she think?
You may not be married, but it seems like the support you need here should come from your sister, even if you do not happen to have the same father. She should tell her husband not to do it.
Do any of his feelings toward your family include his future wife?
I know we are not the same as our parents, but unfortunately it has often been confirmed that if a man does not think highly of his entire family-in-law, he also feels superior in some way to his wife who comes from that family, and that can be dangerous foundation for a marriage.

Yes, my sister who is getting married and I have the same father (biological) and our parents are still married. I don’t think my sister thinks much of it, she just lets her fiance talk and doesn’t defend our family, which I am not sure how to take. I mean, she has always been critical of people, including us so I am thinking it does not bother her. But her fiance barely knows my extended family and doesn’t seem to like them. But who knows? I cannot know what he truly thinks of us. Also, I may expect this if we were of totally different social strata but we are not.

 

[LSK]

I like the advice you have been given in terms of being gently assertive with your future brother in law.

Try practicing something like this, “Bob, I know you don’t mean to hurt me but I have to tell you that when you make fun of people I love or threaten to go off on them, it really causes me pain. I am telling you this because I am certain that is not your intention. If I was doing or saying something that caused you pain, I would want you to tell me so I could be sure not to do that any more”. Then change the subject and keep him in prayer.

I know this is not easy - it is simple. I had to practice this kind of stuff for years before I became good at it. I will also tell you that some people still get offended when I ask them to not talk badly about my brother or my father - both of whom are immoral men - but I have learned to accept that not everyone (including those I am related to ) is going to like me.

Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking. COURAGE is doing it when EVERYONE is looking and this is one of those times that requires courage.