Bitter Ex-Catholic

[Angelfan]

A friend was granted a declaration of nullity but the declaration stated that she was at fault for not seeing the flaws in her adulterous husband. Because of this, she is very bitter and has left the Catholic church and is attending a Baptist church. This is more of a pastor question I guess. What can her family do to help her find her way back to the Catholic church?

 

[I_Thirst]

They can pray for her.

 

[Rence]

Pray for her and redirect her to examine her part in the relationship. What was their reason for the fault they found in her? I’m sure their judgement was not a condemnation of her, but rather constructive criticism. If she was enabling him, it was her fault. It’s a bitter pill to swallow sometimes, but she should focus on the positive and not the negative. She needs to be redirected to work on her weaknesses and build on her strengths. Sometimes hearing one’s faults is painful and hurtful, but you have to look at the intent of the message being sent, and try to look at it objectively. Give her time to simmer down, and pray for her.

 

[brumano]

They can pray for her.

They could also try some reasoning though at the same time in explaining to her that, the church in granting the annullment said that she had just cause but it also pointed out that there was some complicity on her part which figured into the loss of the marriage and had harmful effects on her former husband. The church I think is saying to her that as a marriage partner she has personal responsibilties in the Sacrament of Marriage in unison with her husband and that a failing on both parties took place.
Sometimes the rulings the church gives us hurt, but I don’t think it’s done to this end; I think it’s done to make us aware of our own shortcomings and our own misdeeds in order for us to grow and make a fresh start, which leads me to think you could advise her to think honestly about the matter the church has pointed out to her, and make a good confession and then return to the Church that always has arms wide open for her and is full of God’s Mercy as well.

 

[Incomplete]

Yes, pray for her.

The Church points out these things so that, as she considers marriage in the future, she is aware and doesn’t fall into the same type of thing again. It’s not unlike going to a counselor; a good counselor will look to both parties to see what needs to be changed.

My husband also received a declaration of nullity, and it didn’t point all the blame at his wife. It mentioned where both went wrong. I suspect it was the same in her case. How do you prevent it from happening again if you’re not aware of your own contribution to the problem?

Bitterness is not of God. I will pray for her today.

 

[Angelfan]

Thanks for all the posts above! This is also how I see it. I believe PRIDE has entered in for my friend, and she is not able to accept that she may have things to work on. Unfortunately, she has re-married outside of the church. In addition, she has a daughter who should be making her First Communion soon…and this is a good thing that mom is trying to point her toward the sacraments. Unfortunately, ex-husband is not taking her to her Wed. night CCD classes, so she is not able to proceed with the sacramental preparations. I pray that my friend will one day find her way back to the church and the sacraments…and that her daughter will one day receive all the necessary sacraments also.

 

[puzzleannie]

A friend was granted a declaration of nullity but the declaration stated that she was at fault for not seeing the flaws in her adulterous husband. ?

no decree of nullity I have ever seen uses expressions like “at fault” so I would take her claim with a huge grain of salt and assume their is another reason for her bitterness, and this is just an excuse.

 

[Incomplete]

Thanks for all the posts above! This is also how I see it. I believe PRIDE has entered in for my friend, and she is not able to accept that she may have things to work on. Unfortunately, she has re-married outside of the church. In addition, she has a daughter who should be making her First Communion soon…and this is a good thing that mom is trying to point her toward the sacraments. Unfortunately, ex-husband is not taking her to her Wed. night CCD classes, so she is not able to proceed with the sacramental preparations. I pray that my friend will one day find her way back to the church and the sacraments…and that her daughter will one day receive all the necessary sacraments also.

Praying with you.

 

[Soldier_Of_God]

It’s my understanding that an annulment/decree of nullity was to determined that the marriage is question is not a valid marriage and not to lay blame or fault.

 

[Incomplete]

It’s my understanding that an annulment/decree of nullity was to determined that the marriage is question is not a valid marriage and not to lay blame or fault.

The intent is not to lay blame or fault, but when you receive a decree of nullity, it will state their reasons for granting or not granting it (or at least, my husband’s did. I assume they all work that way). It’s a good learning tool. They don’t want you to make the same mistakes if you contemplate marriage again.

 

[Soldier_Of_God]

The intent is not to lay blame or fault, but when you receive a decree of nullity, it will state their reasons for granting or not granting it (or at least, my husband’s did. I assume they all work that way). It’s a good learning tool. They don’t want you to make the same mistakes if you contemplate marriage again.

Thank you for the clarification.

 

[promethius]

A friend was granted a declaration of nullity but the declaration stated that she was at fault for not seeing the flaws in her adulterous husband. Because of this, she is very bitter and has left the Catholic church and is attending a Baptist church. This is more of a pastor question I guess. What can her family do to help her find her way back to the Catholic church?

The declaration stated specifically that “she was at fault”? I somehow doubt that was the verbatim finding.

What was probably found was that she was unable to enter a binding covenant because she was unaware of the potentially adulterous practices of her cheating fiance. That’s not to say she’s to BLAME that the marraige was never valid, but rather to say that her ignorance releases her from any binding oath delivered under the understanding that her fiance was not cheating (which was a false understanding).

Perhaps explaining the difference to her would clear things up…

 

[Incomplete]

Thank you for the clarification.

Anytime.

 

[rcollector]

They can pray for her.

 

[Groundhog_Day]

A friend was granted a declaration of nullity but the declaration stated that she was at fault for not seeing the flaws in her adulterous husband. Because of this, she is very bitter and has left the Catholic church and is attending a Baptist church. This is more of a pastor question I guess. What can her family do to help her find her way back to the Catholic church?

Does it really matter which faith? Why does the Catholic Church think it is somehow superior?

 

[Incomplete]

Does it really matter which faith? Why does the Catholic Church think it is somehow superior?

First, bitterness is never a good thing. Even if she doesn’t come back to the Church, it would be good for her to lose that bitterness. She will be happier if she does, and probably more loving and better able to serve God.

Second, there are riches beyond belief in the Catholic teachings. Once you realize that, you wish them for everyone.

Third, Jesus said He would send the Holy Spirit to lead us to all truth. We take Him at His word. It only makes sense, as God is a God of truth. But what good is truth if you can’t find it or never know if you have it? Catholics believe that the truths that God wants us to know are in His church, the church Jesus founded, the Catholic church. We also believe that God wants us to know all truth or He wouldn’t have sent the Holy Spirit to lead us to it. That is why it matters which faith.

 

[Matthew_Holford]

no decree of nullity I have ever seen uses expressions like “at fault” so I would take her claim with a huge grain of salt and assume their is another reason for her bitterness, and this is just an excuse.

I agree.

Another way that Catholic decrees of nullity differ from civil divorce is that blame is not apportioned. The decree of nullity wouldn’t even have been granted because of the adultery. They’re granted because on the day when people saw a weeding take place and assumed a marriage had occurred it hadn’t. That’s because something was wrong at that point, e.g. lack of form, lack of consent, undispensed impediment. The Church doesn’t annul marriages because of what happened during marriage. If the marriage was valid it doesn’t matter how many times the husband committed adultery the Church wouldn’t have granted a decree of nullity. After a decree of nullity has been granted the Church may advise a couple about their suitability for marriage and may be even prevent them from re-marrying for awhile.

 

[Kathryn_Ann]

Thanks for all the posts above! This is also how I see it. I believe PRIDE has entered in for my friend, and she is not able to accept that she may have things to work on. Unfortunately, she has re-married outside of the church. In addition, she has a daughter who should be making her First Communion soon…and this is a good thing that mom is trying to point her toward the sacraments. Unfortunately, ex-husband is not taking her to her Wed. night CCD classes, so she is not able to proceed with the sacramental preparations. I pray that my friend will one day find her way back to the church and the sacraments…and that her daughter will one day receive all the necessary sacraments also.

I’m so sorry about all this, especially for the daughter who is not being taken to CCD classes. I will pray for everyone involved. Besides prayers, people close to all of them can make sure they feel loved by telephoning, visiting (if nearby enough) and not giving up on anyone. God never gives up on anyone. Miracles can and do happen. She’s fortunate to have a friend like you who cares so much!
:hug1::harp::flowers:

 

[jesuspsr]

I’ll be praying for her.

God bless

jesus g

 

[Warrior1979]

What can her family do to help her find her way back to the Catholic church?

Quite frankly, not much.

The best advice I can give is to ignore the whole annulment process and the subsequent consequences and simply focus on what is important…God. Focusing on the annulment will simply cause separation with the Church. That’s firsthand advice from someone that’s been their himself.