Blaming Husband?

[Natalie87]

My husband and I have a 16 month old baby girl. we’ve been together for 3 1/2 years and married for 2. We are almost never intimate. More importantly we’re almost constantly arguing about something. I’m not allowed to see my two older sisters who were opposed to our marriage, and he doesn’t like me seeing my brother, and cant stand it when my mother comes over. He blames me for almost everything that goes wrong in our life. We have a covenant marriage but we were married in the court. I feel trapped and like he doesn’t see me as an equal. Sometimes i think about divorce but then i feel bad because he works long hours and supports us by himself and i think maybe that’s why he treats me the way he does. And i know divorce is kind wrong. and I’m afraid he’ll take my daughter away from me just to be cruel. But i feel like staying with him is showing my baby girl that its okay for a man to emotionally abuse you just so long as he doesn’t hit you, or something like that. I dont know what to do. I need help from someone who understands this kind of thing on a Catholic level. i really want some advice that doesnt make light of the sanctity of marriage.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m sorry Natalie. :console: I have felt your pain before, except I only dated a verbal abuser. Eventually, he turned more physical, and then I left him.

There could be a number of things at play here, yes, he could be stressed at work, etc. But, supporting you for the next few years, isn’t going to change–so he needs to find a way to cope with that stress. Not hurting and belittling you.

The thing that struck me though about your post, is that he doesn’t like you to be around your family. Be very mindful of what is going on there. Abusers are CLASSIC isolaters. They like to isolate their gf’s/wives (I am only speaking from a female view here, some verbal abusers are in fact women) to the point where they only rely on them for EVERYTHING.

That troubles me.

Your sisters didn’t like this guy–why is that. Did they see red flags and did you ignore them? I would highly suggest talking to a priest, and really coaxing your husband into counseling with you.

If you continue to go on being verbally abused, and isolated from your family you will end up one tired and sad woman. Please seek help, and get your husband to go. If he chooses not to, I would go to counseling yourself.

I’ll be praying for you and him.

 

[Catholic90]

My husband and I have a 16 month old baby girl. we’ve been together for 3 1/2 years and married for 2. We are almost never intimate. More importantly we’re almost constantly arguing about something. I’m not allowed to see my two older sisters who were opposed to our marriage, and he doesn’t like me seeing my brother, and cant stand it when my mother comes over. He blames me for almost everything that goes wrong in our life. We have a covenant marriage but we were married in the court. I feel trapped and like he doesn’t see me as an equal. Sometimes i think about divorce but then i feel bad because he works long hours and supports us by himself and i think maybe that’s why he treats me the way he does. And i know divorce is kind wrong. and I’m afraid he’ll take my daughter away from me just to be cruel. But i feel like staying with him is showing my baby girl that its okay for a man to emotionally abuse you just so long as he doesn’t hit you, or something like that. I dont know what to do. I need help from someone who understands this kind of thing on a Catholic level. i really want some advice that doesnt make light of the sanctity of marriage.

What do you mean NOT ALLOWED? Who says HE gets to say who in YOUR FAMILY you may or may not visit??? RED FLAG ALERT!

Talk to your priest NOW.

 

[SarahR]

What did you mean by having a covenant marriage but married in the courts? Didn’t understand what was meant by that.

 

[ChristinaM]

What did you mean by having a covenant marriage but married in the courts? Didn’t understand what was meant by that.

I think OP may be in a state where they have “covenant marriage” - not sure on the specifics but I think you have to go through mandatory counseling before you are married and if you are considering divorce, and no-fault divorce isn’t permitted.

By “married in the courts,” do you mean not married in the Catholic Church?

Natalie, it sounds like your husband is trying to isolate you which is extremely unhealthy. My husband works long hours too, but he doesn’t try to cut me off from family and friends. Also what you said about him getting custody of your little girl just to spite you, is kind of disturbing.

I second whatevergirl - go to couples counseling. If your husband won’t go, go alone.

 

[Christy_Beth]

I was in a really bad marriage years ago. It was the put downs, insults and pettiness that undermined any self confidence I may have had. We met while we were both on active duty in the Army. Now, the Arny says you have to shine your boots. A brush shine is really all they need. and that’s what mine got. My ex insisted that his had to be spit shined. I told him upfront that I was NOT going to start spitshining boots after my discharge, and I did. Which upset him to no end. AFter all, that’s the WIFE’S job. As was picking up after him. Visiting him mom and grandmother every other week. Getting there to find that they expect me to do all the cooking and cleaning because, guess what? That’s The WIFE’S job.

I’m actually surprised it lasted as long as it did. Oh there were other skirmishes. The worst two happened when we were arguing. I can’t remember all that was said. We both knew that I was right. But instead of saying something, he forced me onto the ground and pinned me down so I couuldn’t move… He said I could only get up if I would admit that he was right and I was wrong. But that was something I couldn’t do. Why? He never followed trough.

And he also tried to keep me from my family at times. Come time for buying gifts for everyone and found that he wanted to spend hundreds of dollars on his family, but nothing on mine.

It ended when I got kicked out by him (and his mom and grandmother) as no good. I was just trash. They lived a few miles out of town, and I didn’t go far when a man gave me a ride into town. Well,I talked a cop, and got an interesting response.

Well, I fiound a church that had some cots set up in the basement for situations like that. So I got there, and put in a call to my mom. Well, when my dad got the story out of her, he decided to go along.

I guess I’m making this too long. Well, He and his family wanted me to get nothing. The fact that I was awarded it all just about blew a gasket. After going through stuff he had in storage, and taking what we wanted. there wasn’t much. There were many items worth a good lot of money, that he refused to give me. Of course, If I could have afforded another $300 retainer fee, I could have gone after him for that.

Sorry about the rant. After 21 years I still get upset thinking about it. We had a daughter together. He was given liberal visitation rights. If it hadn’t been for that, I would have stopped contact with him immediatelly. He only used the continued communication to put me through more hell than ever. The last time I received any child support was Dec. 1993. I was working full time, and wasn’t making enough to support the two of us on our own. My daughter went to stay with my parents… I had a temporary place to go, but I would have to seriously look for an apartment. Well, I applied at one place but hadn’t heard from them yet,The people who ran the program I was under decided that I wasn’t trying. Not trying? The only apartments they came up with were ones where I couldn’t afford the rent.

And I’d better shut up. I’ve taken up enough time and space for now. And I do apologize for the rant.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Natalie, what you’re discussing is abuse. The fact that he doesn’t beat you does not mean it is not abuse. The fact that he will not allow you tosee your sisters, and you feelthat if you seek safety he will tryto take your baby, that speaks volumes.

Run, do not walk, to a priest, and ask him to recommend a women’s shelter to you. They will help you put together a plan to escape. They will help you find a place to live with your daughter until your husband can get help and/ or you can get counseling and find a place of your own.

Don’t just leave unless he is physically abusing you. Don’t just leave without putting away copies of such documents as his social security number, possibly his driver’s license number, and your daughter’s birth certificate.

The Church does not want the two of you to live together if you are in danger. As far as covenant marriage goes, in most states that have it, there are provisions for abuse.

 

[kage_ar]

Are you both Catholic and did you have your marriage convalidated in the Church?

 

[Liberanosamalo]

There are old threads about Narcissistic Personality Disorder on this Family thread. Look them up and read what your future could be with such a man.

He sounds like a classic case. Let me guess, all the poetry and moonlight went out the window when you got pregnant and had needs of your own.

Not all verbal abuse results in physical abuse, but all physical abuse starts with verbal abuse.

And you are being abused, financially and psychologically. Don’t wait until there is nothing left before you leave.

Have a long talk with those in your family who never liked them. Ask them why not. LISTEN. They saw him through eyes unclouded by love and moonlight and delusion.

Let them know what you are going through. They may be able to help you too, which your husband knows, which is why he hates them.

How you are living is not normal. If you are married by a JP, you won’t need an annulment. Forget the covenant stuff. You are NOT living in a covenant. You are living in a prison.

Time to get out. It has nothing to do with not taking marriage seriously. If your husband took marriage seriously he wouldn’t be treating you like this.

Good husbands don’t have to threaten to take children away to keep their wives from leaving them. Think about that.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I’m sorry Natalie. :console: I have felt your pain before, except I only dated a verbal abuser. Eventually, he turned more physical, and then I left him.

There could be a number of things at play here, yes, he could be stressed at work, etc. But, supporting you for the next few years, isn’t going to change–so he needs to find a way to cope with that stress. Not hurting and belittling you.

The thing that struck me though about your post, is that he doesn’t like you to be around your family. Be very mindful of what is going on there. Abusers are CLASSIC isolaters. They like to isolate their gf’s/wives (I am only speaking from a female view here, some verbal abusers are in fact women) to the point where they only rely on them for EVERYTHING.

That troubles me.

Your sisters didn’t like this guy–why is that. Did they see red flags and did you ignore them? I would highly suggest talking to a priest, and really coaxing your husband into counseling with you.

If you continue to go on being verbally abused, and isolated from your family you will end up one tired and sad woman. Please seek help, and get your husband to go. If he chooses not to, I would go to counseling yourself.

I’ll be praying for you and him.

YUP Reminds me of someone I know…my other post remember when I put I left my family and got away from GOD to make him happy??? yeah I hear where she comes from!!

 

[iluvmybabies]

Yeah I was in a marriage like that, since my ex didn’t really believe in GOD and the sacraments etc our life was very difficult… I too was manipulated against my wishes to not be with my family… He hated my family sooo much for no reason just because my family advised on certain things and even though my mother was manipulative as well, neither one of them got along well!!! It got so bad that he ended up calling my mother a b and my father almost ripped his head off!! It was disappointing…

With him it was always his way or the high way seriously! And as my child grew older he decided to get her involved in our problems…He had been unfaithful even though not ever “admitted” nor physically proven, it was more of he would yank me forcefully away from the store the woman he had been seeing worked in, but anyhow, so he felt I was doing the same when I had my own time alone, and or was out with my friends and their children…You know the normal thing go get ice cream picnics in the park etc…to him that meant something… So he turned my daughter into a spy…I stayed with him all those years because “YOU MARRIED HIM NOW YOU HAVE TO STAY WITH HIM THERE IS NO TURNING BACK!! I STAYED WITH YOUR FATHER AFTER HE BEAT ME BE GRATEFUL YOURS DOESN’T DO THAT YET!!” So yeah, I stayed…even though after our first child I was no longer in love with him, but I gave him a try, and by “accident” became pg with a second child, I later on found out he was afraid of leaving me so a night we were celebrating my siblings bday we were drinking and while I passed out took advantage, now I remember I did do something with my husband that night so I wouldn’t really call it that but he told some friends he did to stop me from leaving… Then he loved me, I was the greatest wife ever, blah blah blah, then I was in a deathdefyin car accident, was in a coma and everything and my tiny tot of only 8 months was left alone, not able to speak, having horrible nightmares and stopped growing-he regressed- my daughter was only 3 and she too had a lot of problems…thanks to my accident…

But I survived, thank GOD and was back like nothing trying to win my children back and hoping for a miracle because my son didn’t want to be near me he didn’t even remember me, it was painful a painful recovery and where was my husband then, trying to figure out a way to getting out of there!! He wouldn’t make love to me and told me he didnt see me as a woman any more! It was really sad…He then told me either you come with me or stay here I really don’t care and before he left gave me a present, pg with 3rd child…I left my fam for him again, and chased him…Only to get humuliated and mistreated…I got violent with him after he raised his hand at me once…I said I was never going to be like my mother and never fight back and just take it, I fought back, and the worst way! Right there and then I knew this was the end…

I kicked him out of the labor room with my 3 baby, I didn’t want him there and I didn’t want to see him…I lived quietly and pretended all was fine, there was nothing left…I gave up fighting, and I didn’t care…He was out with his friends and family whenever he felt like it I turned to heavy drinking on the weekend…It helped me sleep…My kids were in bed and I would drink myself to sleep…To make an excuse I would always invite his friends over party over here!! And it worked…I used it up as much as I could…Then his gm humiliated me and spread this horrible rumor about me, I asked my ex h then h to help me and to talk to her and find out he chickened out and never cared about my feelings nor how horrible that made me look since it was untrue…He kept telling me the important thing is that it’s not true and I and you know it…And it wasn’t just that, no one came to my children’s bday parties, nor was I invited to fam events only he was because I was a thief…It hurt very much and since I lived so far from my fam I was alone…

I finally confronted her and got kicked out of the apt that we rented off of her…To the streets with my 3 children…no care nor compassion and just me kicked out!! lol…

I lived a painful life and even now more painful. After years of divorce I still fight with him, he still harasses me and this that supposedly he’s happily engaged taking care of his other woman and her children while I am having problems barely making it for mine…

So yeah don’t wait 10 years to wake up…If I would have actually seeked out help and got this kind of support and advice believe me I would have left the year I married him…

 

[Salonika]

whatevergirl:

The thing that struck me though about your post, is that he doesn’t like you to be around your family. Be very mindful of what is going on there. Abusers are CLASSIC isolaters.

And being isolated puts you at greater risk. You risk losing your supports. You risk losing perspective about what is going on. You can even come to think that you are the one at fault, that you are stupid, that you are “too sensitive”.

Your sisters didn’t like this guy–why is that? Did they see red flags and did you ignore them?

If you did miss them don’t allow any feeling of “I should have recognised …” stop you acting in your best interests now. Acting in your best interests will also be in the best interests of your daughter. This is not a safe environment for her to be in. She needs to be in a safe and calm environment to develop to her full potential.

If your husband changed on marriage, then don’t even begin to take on board it is your fault. Some guys seem to change the moment that ring is on their wife’s finger. So, if your husband is one of these it would have happened to anyone he married.

I would highly suggest talking to a priest, and really coaxing your husband into counseling with you.

And if your husband won’t go to counselling go on your own. A good counsellor can help you get a grip of the situation. They can also help you to plan to get out (you’ve got some good ideas on this from some of the earlier posters). If you find you don’t need to leave then at least you’ll have personal documents etc in one place and if you do it will make the aftermath of leaving easier.

I hope that things improve for you and your daughter.