Blaming The Victim

[ATeutonicKnight]

Why do people tend to blame the victim? In spousal abuse, people say “He couldn’t have just hit you for the fun of it. You had to provoke him somehow.” In my own case of being sexually abused when I was younger, some people say “Why didn’t you stop him? You’re at fault, too, because you didn’t tell someone about it.” Why do we blame the victim for being a victim? Why do people naturally put blame on victims when they are in fact blameless? Why is it that sometimes families are the ones who put the most blame on you? Everybody in the world believes that I was abused except for my family. They simply won’t let it register in their minds, and it can be really hurtful. They tell me it had to be consensual because I didn’t report it to anyone. They don’t understand that sexual abuse isn’t as simple as that, and that you feel shame and don’t want to tell people (Especially in my case, where the abuser intentionally put shame on me and blackmailed me to keep me quiet). Does anyone have advice on how to deal with them putting blame on me (When even professionals agree it’s a blameless situation on my part)?

I’m sorry, I realize this may not be the best place to put this. If a moderator thinks there is a better forum for it, please move it there.

 

[pensmama87]

I think sometimes it’s a preservation tactic. We don’t like to admit that bad things sometimes happen for reasons only known to God, so we assign blame to make ourselves feel better (because then we will be protected against that thing.) Some religions even have this idea embedded in their theology - think about the idea of karma, for example. It makes it easier for bystanders to maintain the status quo, and not help. Of course, this doesn’t fit in too well with Christian theology, but it’s still a strong human tendency.

I usually find that reminding myself of the above makes it easier to forgive the bystanders, and then I quit doing the work to maintain a friendship. Usually I quit seeing the person, and it ends up being no big loss.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I think sometimes it’s a preservation tactic. We don’t like to admit that bad things sometimes happen for reasons only known to God, so we assign blame to make ourselves feel better (because then we will be protected against that thing.) Some religions even have this idea embedded in their theology - think about the idea of karma, for example. It makes it easier for bystanders to maintain the status quo, and not help. Of course, this doesn’t fit in too well with Christian theology, but it’s still a strong human tendency.

I usually find that reminding myself of the above makes it easier to forgive the bystanders, and then I quit doing the work to maintain a friendship. Usually I quit seeing the person, and it ends up being no big loss.

Thanks. But seeing as how the people are my family, I can’t simply stop seeing them.

 

[pensmama87]

Thanks. But seeing as how the people are my family, I can’t simply stop seeing them.

I don’t mean necessarily deliberately cutting them out, but to stop doing the work of maintaining the relationship. For me, I found that I was the only one holding up the relationship. The other person obviously didn’t care, thought very little of me, so what the heck was I doing trying to be a friend? I am still cordial if I happen to run into them, but I don’t waste time on it. And usually, I quit seeing them, not out of any sort of conscious effort to avoid them, but because I’m spending more time with good people I want to be with.

For a family member, this might be harder, especially if they live with you, especially if it’s a parent. But even then, you can be kind without opening yourself up to be hurt by them all of the time. There are some people it’s just better not to be intimate with (in an emotional sense) because they can’t or won’t reciprocate. It stinks when these are the people you should be able to depend on (such as family), but sometimes you have to find the support system elsewhere.

 

[erine]

That is the story of my life. But also people now who know that I was abused go out of their way to be cruel to me and push my buttons and then blame me for it. You got me. I’ll pray for you.

 

[EasterJoy]

Why do people tend to blame the victim? In spousal abuse, people say “He couldn’t have just hit you for the fun of it. You had to provoke him somehow.” In my own case of being sexually abused when I was younger, some people say “Why didn’t you stop him? You’re at fault, too, because you didn’t tell someone about it.” Why do we blame the victim for being a victim? Why do people naturally put blame on victims when they are in fact blameless? Why is it that sometimes families are the ones who put the most blame on you? Everybody in the world believes that I was abused except for my family. They simply won’t let it register in their minds, and it can be really hurtful. They tell me it had to be consensual because I didn’t report it to anyone. They don’t understand that sexual abuse isn’t as simple as that, and that you feel shame and don’t want to tell people (Especially in my case, where the abuser intentionally put shame on me and blackmailed me to keep me quiet). Does anyone have advice on how to deal with them putting blame on me (When even professionals agree it’s a blameless situation on my part)?

I’m sorry, I realize this may not be the best place to put this. If a moderator thinks there is a better forum for it, please move it there.

People sometimes say things like that. Other times, they are realistic, and put the responsibility for offenses on the party that actually committed the offense.

Why do people put the blame on victims? To be blunt, they usually want to a) make sure none of it gets on them or b) reassure themselves that nothing like that could happen to them. They don’t want to feel responsible–“I was around, but it was not my fault”–they don’t want to feel vulnerable–“that happened to them, but it could never have happened to me”–they want to protect the perpetrator from blame (because they’re closer to the perpetrator than to the victim, and perhaps have perpetrated similar crimes themselves) or some combination of all three. Whether damage is accidental or willful, whether the tragedy is a plane crash or a murder, the healthy response when something deeply harmful happens is to be more interested in healing victims and preventing future harm than assigning blame.

You may need to learn to say, “You are very much mistaken. You really ought to learn about abuse and the psychology of abusers and their victims, because if you don’t, it could happen under your nose to someone you ought to be protecting. I wish someone had known to do that for me. If you don’t want to believe that, though, well, there is nothing I can do for you. I’m certainly not going to argue with you, because you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

IOW, they can try to place the blame on you, but you are older now, you have been given professional help, and you can learn as a life skill to reject blame that you do not deserve.

What is now on your side is that Catholic parishes everywhere are offering sexual abuse awareness training that absolutely agrees with what you know. Had this blaming been heaped on you 50 years ago, you might not ever realize that you don’t deserve it. That is the one good thing that has come out of this whole awful abuse scandal: at least the day has finally come when the truth is being more widely taught and appreciated. Keep in mind, BTW, that some of those who are blaming you may themselves be victims or perpetrators. There are many families where sexual abuse has been going on for generations. That may be a secret that is being fiercely hidden from you, and from the other victims. When one victim stands up and says, “This happened to me, and it should never happen to ANYONE,” and the victims of the family believe that, the cat is out of the bag, the jig is up. Families can fear that, because they think that it will destroy the family when the rottenness comes to light. It is like protecting a building with a rotten foundation because you’re afraid when it comes to light what a hazard it is, the building will be condemned and razed instead of repaired, and it is the only home you know. IOW, people protect perpetrators because they believe that the perpetrators are foundational to the structure of the family.

It is not your responsibility as a victim to educate the world, even though some victims find some healing in doing that. Your responsibility is to heal and to maintain your wholeness. If you have to put some distance between yourself and certain relatives or avoid some topics or conversations or events to do that, you have that prerogative.

 

[holyrood]

I don’t mean necessarily deliberately cutting them out, but to stop doing the work of maintaining the relationship. For me, I found that I was the only one holding up the relationship. The other person obviously didn’t care, thought very little of me, so what the heck was I doing trying to be a friend? I am still cordial if I happen to run into them, but I don’t waste time on it. And usually, I quit seeing them, not out of any sort of conscious effort to avoid them, but because I’m spending more time with good people I want to be with.

This is my experience. There is definite dysfunction in my family of origin, and the same blaming the victim of which you speak. In my case, only in my 40s have I begun putting together bits and pieces of memories, of things my mother has said over the years, of current things being said and done. I finally realized she thinks I’m a liar, which perplexed me, as I’ve spent years saying too much in an effort to be absolutely clear and not even inadvertently give the wrong impression (ie, lie.) I now understand I did this because she accused me of being a liar.

When I back it up more to a very clear memory from very early childhood, I believe what happened was my father did inappropriate things, not necessarily even involving actual physical sexual abuse, but things sexual and wrong around children. I believe I told my mother and in the early 70s, for a woman already suffering from feelings of self worth and zero confidence, without a job, in a world which didn’t accept divorce–I believe it was far easier for her to call me a liar than to face up to what she had married. Because believing me would have put her in the very uncomfortable situation of either doing something about it (and he had been hitting her since before they were married) or knowingly leaving a child in that situation.

Hence: blame me. Call me a liar.

When I look at the past 35+ years, I believe she was invested in continuing to believe that of me.

People blame the victim to keep themselves safe from having to face a sticky, unpleasant situation. It’s safer to blame a child, because the child can’t cause trouble for you like the adult can.

In my case, I simply quit contacting my mother, and found that in four or five years, she has not once initiated a phone call on her own. I spend time with people who value me.

Is there a reason you can’t stop seeing people who cause you pain? How old are you? Do you still live at home with your parents?

I will toss out that when I was in that situation, still in high school, I simply focused on the future. After my first year of college, when my father repeatedly threatened to kick me out, I finally simply packed my bags and left, moved back to campus, and hit the streets until I had two jobs, and started working.

 

[kentuckyliz]

In answer to why, I think it is because people are afraid to admit that such evils exist in the world. They look for the rational explanation.

As you are able, limit the contact/exposure that negative and abusive people have in your life.

In situations where you can’t really streamline the contact, such as a family reunion, stay in a hotel, decide how long you are going to stay, and limit the time in conversation with negative people. If they say something hurtful, mentally put up an invisible Plexiglas shield that forces those comments to bounce off of you. Don’t let it sink in. Do not suspect they are right. Surround yourself with the holy angels. Pity the offender.

Master small talk. Don’t let them into your life.

I know someone who enforced a monthly ten minute call limit with her mother and it worked. The time limit kept the conversation from going negative for the most part. This woman was really toxic and this was a way to honor parents and ensure that they were getting their basic needs met without getting sucked into the toxic games.

I don’t know your specific situation but perhaps some of these strategies might be helpful to you.

 

[Allegra]

How horrid! The only thing I can think of is that some family members may say, “Why didn’t you tell anyone?” in order to supress their own guilt they may be feeling that they didn’t see what was going on and didn’t help you at the time. Maybe they don’t mean to say it as if the abuse was your fault, but that they would have helped stop the abuse had they known. Sadly, I think alot of times young people are sexually abused and the family members certainly have enough information to “know”, but are still to afraid to act on it. An example of this would be the sickeningly high number of instances where children are sexually abused by their mother’s boyfriend. Many times, these mothers will swear up hill and down dale that they never knew, but in retrospect, there were plenty of signs and sometimes the child actually does tell, but the mom doesn’t want to believe it.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

Is there a reason you can’t stop seeing people who cause you pain? How old are you? Do you still live at home with your parents?

I will toss out that when I was in that situation, still in high school, I simply focused on the future. After my first year of college, when my father repeatedly threatened to kick me out, I finally simply packed my bags and left, moved back to campus, and hit the streets until I had two jobs, and started working.

Thank you for sharing your experience and giving advice. I’m only sixteen, so that’s why I can’t avoid being around them. What doesn’t help is that my parents have been known for victim-blaming. If they see someone was raped on the news, they’ll say something like “It’s awful that this happened, but what did she expect when she was wearing clothes like that?” Add that with the fact that I’m a guy and a black belt. They think these two reasons in themselves are proof enough that everything was consensual and I simply can’t deal with that fact, so I’m blaming my abuser rather than owning up to it.

How horrid! The only thing I can think of is that some family members may say, “Why didn’t you tell anyone?” in order to supress their own guilt they may be feeling that they didn’t see what was going on and didn’t help you at the time. Maybe they don’t mean to say it as if the abuse was your fault, but that they would have helped stop the abuse had they known. Sadly, I think alot of times young people are sexually abused and the family members certainly have enough information to “know”, but are still to afraid to act on it. An example of this would be the sickeningly high number of instances where children are sexually abused by their mother’s boyfriend. Many times, these mothers will swear up hill and down dale that they never knew, but in retrospect, there were plenty of signs and sometimes the child actually does tell, but the mom doesn’t want to believe it.

They admit they saw warning signs, but kept saying “No, this couldn’t happen.” But they still blame me mostly for it. When I first went to therapy, the therapist wanted us all in there for the beginning. I’ll never forget my father saying “He said he was raped, but we’ve found out this wasn’t the case at all.” First off, I never said I was raped, I said I was a victim of child molestation. There is a difference. Every time I’ve talked to him about it, he always tells me all the reasons on why I’m at fault and I can’t keep blaming my abuser because I feel guilt. This has had a lot of negative effects, because I used to believe I was at fault. As I said previously, my abuser repeatedly put blame on me and kept shaming me for it with blackmail. He made me feel like it was my fault for it happening, and that I was culpable. It took my friends a month or more of arguing with me about it to finally let it sink in that it wasn’t my fault. Having my parents tell me differently really made me distraught about what to believe.

 

[Kamaduck]

I am so, so sorry that this happened to you, TeutonicKnight, and doubly sorry that your parents are not supporting you. You are in my prayers.

As others have said, I think people blame victims because they want to believe that it couldn’t happen to them. If they can say that a rape victim was raped because he or she was wearing immodest clothing, it makes them feel like the same thing will never happen to them, because they don’t wear immodest clothing. They feel safer, believing that they have more power over such events than they really do. In other cases, they may seek to blame the victim so as to deflect blame from themselves. That may be what your parents are doing.

Please don’t doubt that you were abused. If your friends are telling you that you were molested and it isn’t your fault, it’s because it really isn’t. Nobody is invincible.

Oh, and if you ever need support or just want to rant, feel free to PM me. Blessings.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I am so, so sorry that this happened to you, TeutonicKnight, and doubly sorry that your parents are not supporting you. You are in my prayers.

As others have said, I think people blame victims because they want to believe that it couldn’t happen to them. If they can say that a rape victim was raped because he or she was wearing immodest clothing, it makes them feel like the same thing will never happen to them, because they don’t wear immodest clothing. They feel safer, believing that they have more power over such events than they really do. In other cases, they may seek to blame the victim so as to deflect blame from themselves. That may be what your parents are doing.

Please don’t doubt that you were abused. If your friends are telling you that you were molested and it isn’t your fault, it’s because it really isn’t. Nobody is invincible.

Oh, and if you ever need support or just want to rant, feel free to PM me. Blessings.

Thank you so much. Really. Your explanation really makes a lot of sense. They were also really close to the abuser, so that’s another reason why they don’t believe it to be possible, I think.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you so much. Really. Your explanation really makes a lot of sense. They were also really close to the abuser, so that’s another reason why they don’t believe it to be possible, I think.

This is why so many pedophiles were able to hide in the priesthood. When someone feels they know you and can trust you, and especially when you’ve done a lot of good things or they feel affection for you, people don’t want to believe you’re capable of not just wrong things, but things so terrible that many others can’t even imagine being tempted to do anything like that. If an act seems impossible to comprehend, people want to either deny it could happen or else look for some special mitigating circumstance, because otherwise they have to change their whole world view to accept what someone they thought they knew has done.

Sexually abusing a child or hitting a defenseless woman fall into that category.

 

[Eleanor61]

I do think it is guilt. In the case of your parents THEY should have protected you better, THEY should have noticed sooner, THEY should have believed you. It is very hard to accept this kind of guilt and so they are projecting the blame onto you. It is inexcusable and you may not be able to have a good relationship with them as an adult because they have really failed you when you needed them, but that should be up to you and on your terms.

Whatever you do, do not internalize the blame. Easier said than done, but do not ever, even a tiny bit, accept their story.

I know from long hard experience how much and how long you suffer if you accept your parents’ version of the past, or their estimation of you. Protect yourself, it isn’t pretty.

 

[EasterJoy]

…As I said previously, my abuser repeatedly put blame on me and kept shaming me for it with blackmail. He made me feel like it was my fault for it happening, and that I was culpable. It took my friends a month or more of arguing with me about it to finally let it sink in that it wasn’t my fault. Having my parents tell me differently really made me distraught about what to believe…

As you know, this is textbook behavior for a sexual predator. They blame the victim to keep the victim quiet, and they blame the victim in order to try to live with what they’ve done. Without secrecy, they can’t offend or escape punishment. Very often, even when they’ve been convicted and put in prison they will tell interviewers that their victims “wanted” or “asked for” the molestation, or that they, the adult, was the one seduced.

Some of them believe this, having been told the same thing when they were abused, but I think that we all know (because of how we do it with our own sins, from the greatest to the least) that secrecy, rationalization and denial grow up very naturally in someone who gives in to the desire to sin. The only alternative, after all, is to confess, amend, and repent. The bigger the sin, the less we want to do that, because it is humbling. When we are in a toxic state of mind, we think of it as demeaning and humiliating, but that is the devil talking to us…going to God with a contrite heart is not a humiliation. Still, the prisons are full of people who blame everyone but themselves for their crimes. Trying to pass the buck or blame the victim is not just the province of the sexual offender, but the tactic of unrepentant offenders of every kind. If no one else ever bought their line, if at least they didn’t even believe it, no one would ever try it.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

As you know, this is textbook behavior for a sexual predator. They blame the victim to keep the victim quiet, and they blame the victim in order to try to live with what they’ve done. Without secrecy, they can’t offend or escape punishment. Very often, even when they’ve been convicted and put in prison they will tell interviewers that their victims “wanted” or “asked for” the molestation, or that they, the adult, was the one seduced.

Some of them believe this, having been told the same thing when they were abused, but I think that we all know (because of how we do it with our own sins, from the greatest to the least) that secrecy, rationalization and denial grow up very naturally in someone who gives in to the desire to sin. The only alternative, after all, is to confess, amend, and repent. The bigger the sin, the less we want to do that, because it is humbling. When we are in a toxic state of mind, we think of it as demeaning and humiliating, but that is the devil talking to us…going to God with a contrite heart is not a humiliation. Still, the prisons are full of people who blame everyone but themselves for their crimes. Trying to pass the buck or blame the victim is not just the province of the sexual offender, but the tactic of unrepentant offenders of every kind. If no one else ever bought their line, if at least they didn’t even believe it, no one would ever try it.

I guess his blaming me really had the desired effect, because even now it still gets to me and I sometimes struggle with believing it isn’t my fault. Keep in mind that this went on for three years, so that’s probably why it became so effective on me. I have to fight my conscious a lot, which tells me I’m to blame. This makes me feel like I’m trying to believe in a lie, but my mind (Usually) recognizes that it’s my conscious believing in the lie, and that I just have to keep ignoring that feeling of guilt and culpability. It might be easier to do this if I was given techniques to do it, but my therapist is pretty bad right now, and I’m going to try and get a new one (Something my parents might attest to, because they like my current therapist).

 

[Xantippe]

TeutonicKnight,

If you can keep going until you’re a college student and/or a legal adult, you will have a lot more control over your environment, and you will eventually be able to have a relationship with your parents on your terms. Or not have one at all, if that is a better way to go.

Best wishes!

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

TeutonicKnight,

If you can keep going until you’re a college student and/or a legal adult, you will have a lot more control over your environment, and you will eventually be able to have a relationship with your parents on your terms. Or not have one at all, if that is a better way to go.

Best wishes!

I absolutely won’t leave my family entirely. This isn’t going to do me any favors (Unless they were talking to me about this constantly, which they are not). When I am at college, things will be better, though. It will be a much healthier environment for me where I can be around friends that support me and believe me. That’s still two years away, though, so until then I just have to keep being strong. Two years isn’t long at all, and it’ll be here before I know it.

 

[Xantippe]

“Two years isn’t long at all, and it’ll be here before I know it.”

Yes!

 

[EasterJoy]

I guess his blaming me really had the desired effect, because even now it still gets to me and I sometimes struggle with believing it isn’t my fault. Keep in mind that this went on for three years, so that’s probably why it became so effective on me. I have to fight my conscious a lot, which tells me I’m to blame. This makes me feel like I’m trying to believe in a lie, but my mind (Usually) recognizes that it’s my conscious believing in the lie, and that I just have to keep ignoring that feeling of guilt and culpability. It might be easier to do this if I was given techniques to do it, but my therapist is pretty bad right now, and I’m going to try and get a new one (Something my parents might attest to, because they like my current therapist).

Shaming and blaming are attacks that keeps on giving, which is one reason perpetrators trying to keep their misdeeds secret use them. One method that perpetrators who victimize teens do is to get the teens into some kind of forbidden behavior before starting the abuse. Then the perpetrator can pretend to hold that bad behavior over the teen’s head, as if it will be the teen who will be held most responsible when it is found out that they were doing drugs or watching porn at the home of a coach or teacher or adult family member!

Another strategy is fear: threats against beloved 3rd parties or against relationships…“If you tell, they won’t believe you and you will be thrown out of the family” or “If you tell, it will wreck the family” or “If you say something like that, they’ll think you are a sick pervert for having done such a thing”, all of that rot…as if it is telling the truth about the offense that wrecks the family, and not the offense itself.

A third strategy is to lead the victim to believe that he/she is the only one or attracted this attention because he or she was “special”, even though this is probably not the offender’s only victim and even though being special does not attract such victimization. The victim is told they’re inherently “bad”, even though it is very often the “good” kid who is sought out, the one who is compliant to what adults tell him or her to do, the one who can keep a secret, the one who will suffer rather than possibly hurting or upsetting others. If you consider some other kid going through exactly what you went through, after all, is it the victim you would blame? No, you’d be angry on that victim’s behalf! In fact, if you saw that this offender had done just the same thing to others, you would probably feel much more angry on your own behalf, too, because you’d see how much you could not possibly have deserved what you got!

You are starting 11th grade? I would be inclined to trust your sense of whether or not a particular therapist is helping you or not. If you have counselors at your high school, you might find them helpful as guides to help you figure out how to heal and get the help you need, even if your parents resist you. The more adults you can find that you can really trust, the better. Do make sure they are bound to follow the rules designed to protect children and young adults from abusers, though. Stay in situations where the system is wary for you, insist that all others do, too, and you will find it more difficult to trust when it is in your interest to be trusting. Besides, when you have the rules on your side, insisting that they be followed is only asking people to do what they ought to do. You don’t have to talk them into believing you, and that is a weight off of your shoulders. The less weight on you, the better.

BTW, do not be afraid that you are the only one at your high school who has gone through this. Unfortunately, it is almost certain that you aren’t. You may feel different from everyone else, but it is more likely than not that other young people in your class who went through what you went through. Many were not the ones who disclosed their abuse. “In the adult retrosptective study, victimization was reported by 27 percent of the women and 16 percent of the men. The median age for the occurrence of reported abuse was 9.9 for boys and 9.6 for girls. Victimization occurred before age eight for 22 percent of boys and for 23 percent of girls. Most of the abuse of both boys and girls was by offenders 10 or more years older than their victims. Girls were more likely than boys to disclose the abuse. Forty-two percent of the women and thirty-three percent of the men reported never having disclosed the experience to anyone.” prevent-abuse-now.com/stats.htm. Many times the offenders were also minors, although they tended to be several years older than their victims. Many times, victims abused by the same person all think they are the offender’s only victim, which makes it easier for them to think they were a party to the abuse. Even if they were the only one, that is not true. If there were ever a child who asked to be treated in an inappropriate way, that child would still not be responsible for their abuse!!