Blasted by spouse

[JLCecilia]

So DH comes out of nowhere tonight at the beginning of supper with this cocky smile and says, ‘I’m glad Obama threw ‘it’ back in Notre Dame’s face b/c they were being totally ridiculous about the whole thing.’

I should not have even responded and just let him blow his hot air, but I was defensive. His biggest problem is radical religious and I think the problem is really with me. I tend to be very critical and judgmental of others and I drag my faith into it. My faith is not really the problem, the problem is that I grew up w/ a critical, judgmental woman as my example and it’s a huge character flaw that I really hate about myself. I even admitted that when I drag my faith into my personal views of things, yeah, I really do the Church a disservice, but you can’t throw the baby out w/ the bathwater!!!

I told him that I’ve never had to defend my faith against anyone in my entire life as much as I have against him. I really felt like I was being attacked. I have never felt so much anger and hatred from another person about my faith! Funny, he was telling me that us radical religious need to be more open-minded and learn to get along with others who don’t share our views. Yes, we need to be at peace with others and know when to speak and when to be silent - but we have an obligation to evangelize and give an answer for why we believe what we believe - many people are just not educated.

Then I came back at him asking if he felt like the way he approached me on this subject was a peaceful approach. He knows how strongly I feel about the subject and that a fight would probably ensue, yet he proceeded anyway. I question his motives and why he brought the whole thing up in the first place. He says I’m too judgmental and it’s not my place to judge. I wholeheartedly agree. He gave an example of a co-worker who he sees as being a good person, yet I would never have anything to do w/ her b/c of the language she uses and the sort of private topics she discusses. True, I wouldn’t - I just prefer to avoid an encounter like that.

So I should tolerate other people’s misbehavior b/c they’re a good person, but they don’t owe any respect toward my more conservative outlook? I should keep my opinions to myself out of respect for them, but they shouldn’t watch their language and subject matter around me? So, b/c I have certain standards or values, I’m a bad person b/c I prefer to have fellowship w/ others who will strengthen me rather than challenge me? For me, being around people w/ very secular views and interests constitutes a near occasion of sin for me b/c I know that I will judge that person, even if only in my thoughts.

Yeesh, feeling totally crushed. What hurts more is coming from my husband.

 

[wutru]

Matthew 10, 34-36
[34] "Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword.
[35] For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law;
[36] and a man’s foes will be those of his own household.

Romans 14
[1] As for the man who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not for disputes over opinions.

Just remember, you’re not alone. We’re all in this together.

 

[Palm_Tree]

So DH comes out of nowhere tonight at the beginning of supper with this cocky smile and says, ‘I’m glad Obama threw ‘it’ back in Notre Dame’s face b/c they were being totally ridiculous about the whole thing.’

I should not have even responded and just let him blow his hot air, but I was defensive. His biggest problem is radical religious and I think the problem is really with me. I tend to be very critical and judgmental of others and I drag my faith into it. My faith is not really the problem, the problem is that I grew up w/ a critical, judgmental woman as my example and it’s a huge character flaw that I really hate about myself. I even admitted that when I drag my faith into my personal views of things, yeah, I really do the Church a disservice, but you can’t throw the baby out w/ the bathwater!!!

I told him that I’ve never had to defend my faith against anyone in my entire life as much as I have against him. I really felt like I was being attacked. I have never felt so much anger and hatred from another person about my faith! Funny, he was telling me that us radical religious need to be more open-minded and learn to get along with others who don’t share our views. Yes, we need to be at peace with others and know when to speak and when to be silent - but we have an obligation to evangelize and give an answer for why we believe what we believe - many people are just not educated.

Then I came back at him asking if he felt like the way he approached me on this subject was a peaceful approach. He knows how strongly I feel about the subject and that a fight would probably ensue, yet he proceeded anyway. I question his motives and why he brought the whole thing up in the first place. He says I’m too judgmental and it’s not my place to judge. I wholeheartedly agree. He gave an example of a co-worker who he sees as being a good person, yet I would never have anything to do w/ her b/c of the language she uses and the sort of private topics she discusses. True, I wouldn’t - I just prefer to avoid an encounter like that.

So I should tolerate other people’s misbehavior b/c they’re a good person, but they don’t owe any respect toward my more conservative outlook? I should keep my opinions to myself out of respect for them, but they shouldn’t watch their language and subject matter around me? So, b/c I have certain standards or values, I’m a bad person b/c I prefer to have fellowship w/ others who will strengthen me rather than challenge me? For me, being around people w/ very secular views and interests constitutes a near occasion of sin for me b/c I know that I will judge that person, even if only in my thoughts.

Yeesh, feeling totally crushed. What hurts more is coming from my husband.

Awwww. Don’t feel crushed!!! You just wrote a beautiful post here. Yes, you remind me strongly of two women that I am very close to that, like you, are also Good people that have a huge flaw when it comes to being judgmental and petty.

But yes, I emphasize with you and the hurt that you felt from DH pointing out how petty and judgmental you are. With the two women I’m close to like you, I don’t jump on their case and make it personal, I just tell them disagree with what they are saying without letting them know how petty and judgmental they are (neither of them realize this about themselves). But they are both stubborn people.

However, what you wrote here was very beautiful:

I think the problem is really with me. I tend to be very critical and judgmental of others and I drag my faith into it. My faith is not really the problem, the problem is that I grew up w/ a critical, judgmental woman as my example and it’s a huge character flaw that I really hate about myself. I even admitted that when I drag my faith into my personal views of things, yeah, I really do the Church a disservice.

That is a very beautiful, profound, mature realization on your part. If you really believe this, and your DH really believes that you believe this, he would look at you and think “WOW.”

You can back it up further by citing the Sermon on the Mount, the great sermon of Jesus where he gave us the Beatitudes, the Lord’s Prayer, and the Golden Rule. It starts at Matthew 5:
*
"offer no resistance to one who is evil…You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies…that you may be children of your heavenly Father, for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have? Do not the tax collectors do the same? … if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions…"Stop judging, that you may not be judged. For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you…You hypocrite…“Do to others whatever you would have them do to you. This is the law and the prophets.”*

usccb.org/nab/bible/matthew/matthew5.htm

 

[Dranu]

JLCecilia:

He says I’m too judgmental and it’s not my place to judge. I wholeheartedly agree. He gave an example of a co-worker who he sees as being a good person, yet I would never have anything to do w/ her b/c of the language she uses and the sort of private topics she discusses. True, I wouldn’t - I just prefer to avoid an encounter like that.

And how were you judging him?

We can certainly judge other people’s beliefs as wrong (if we could not then we could not have teachers who correct their students ). Often this ‘judge not’ quote is abused and twisted by many. However, we must be careful not to judge the person as sinful or not, just because we judge their actions or beliefs to be in error. That is God’s providence, and no one but Him can know the full extent of their culpability (if any).

Always remember, you are called to love the sinner (everyone of us), but also remember that you are called to hate the sin. Don’t abandon either, for it is an evil danger and temptation of many to sacrifice one or the other. Liberals with the latter, conservatives with the former. By loving the sinner and not hating the sin one fails to truly love, and by hating the sin and not loving the sinner one also fails to love. Of course you are also called to be prudent, and often times it perhaps could be prudent to keep ones mouth closed on a particular action or expressed belief. Also to approach the person with the utmost innocence, gentleness, and charity is the best way to fight sin (to hate the sin well, and thus to love the person, yourself, and God well).

As a Catholic you are called to all this, and it is often a hard cross when others are hostile towards the faith, and out of this comes the temptation to unrighteously hate the person with the sin (often the temptation of the conservatively inclined), or to cowardly retreat from the stand against sin and to mistake evil and selfish non-confrontationalism with love (often the temptation of the liberally inclined).

I even admitted that when I drag my faith into my personal views of things, yeah, I really do the Church a disservice.

Can you perhaps give some reasons as to why think you do a disservice?

For me, being around people w/ very secular views and interests constitutes a near occasion of sin for me b/c I know that I will judge that person, even if only in my thoughts.

I have conservative tendencies which tempt me in that direction as well.

Not saying that this will work absolutely, but if it truly is the evil type of judgment, the thing that I believe best works for me is to realize (especially from my experience) that much evil that people embrace is due to ignorance, bad life experiences, or poor upbringing. Also remembering that they were once a little child and are still that person is always helpful. Perhaps best of all is remembering that the most righteous man to ever walk this earth embraced sinners, and if He did so, how much less ought I complain about it? I am sure He was more repulsed than I could ever be of bad beliefs and bad actions due to His purity.

Your repulsion to those things is good, but to the people, it perhaps is not. However, feelings often are not in your direct control, only your actions. You may need to worry less about failing to feel a certain way, but be ever vigilant about your will, be it in thoughts you choose to indulge in or actions you take. When tempted to hate the person by passionate feeling of hate, reject spending time indulging it in your mind. Perhaps by the actions you take (particularly in by not willing to hate) you will eventually habituate yourself to have those feelings directed more towards the actions and less towards the person.

-May you choose to let your love flourish for Christ, your husband, and those around you.

 

[Gamera]

Sorry that you’ve gone through this. It certainly sounds like a double standard.

… and I drag my faith into it … I even admitted that when I drag my faith into my personal views of things, yeah, I really do the Church a disservice, but you can’t throw the baby out w/ the bathwater!!!

Shouldn’t our faith be part of everything we do? What should our faith be kept out of?

 

[CentralFLJames]

I have to wonder here what this man thought he was marrying if he has had such disregard and disrespect and contempt for your faith - that is a HUGE part of YOU. Or was it just the pretty face, ability to tolerate his abusive attitude and good cooking etc.? It sounds like you have married your own cross and must bear it. Explain to him that when he disrespects your faith he disrespect you and if he can not agree with it then he needs to be more tolerant of other people’s beliefs since he is sounding like a bigot himself. That’s the problem with his kind - its always everyone else who is unreasonable and can’t get along with other’s beliefs. Yet he is the one inflicting emotional harm and anxiety into the person(s) who should be most important to him - his family. What a blind hypocrite.

I must conclude that there are many saints made from those who suffer their vows through bad marriages or abusive spouses “for better or worse”. He may be your ticket…

James

 

[YourAverageJoe]

So DH comes out of nowhere tonight at the beginning of supper with this cocky smile and says, ‘I’m glad Obama threw ‘it’ back in Notre Dame’s face b/c they were being totally ridiculous about the whole thing.’

I should not have even responded and just let him blow his hot air, but I was defensive. His biggest problem is radical religious and I think the problem is really with me. I tend to be very critical and judgmental of others and I drag my faith into it. My faith is not really the problem, the problem is that I grew up w/ a critical, judgmental woman as my example and it’s a huge character flaw that I really hate about myself. I even admitted that when I drag my faith into my personal views of things, yeah, I really do the Church a disservice, but you can’t throw the baby out w/ the bathwater!!!

I told him that I’ve never had to defend my faith against anyone in my entire life as much as I have against him. I really felt like I was being attacked. I have never felt so much anger and hatred from another person about my faith! Funny, he was telling me that us radical religious need to be more open-minded and learn to get along with others who don’t share our views. Yes, we need to be at peace with others and know when to speak and when to be silent - but we have an obligation to evangelize and give an answer for why we believe what we believe - many people are just not educated.

Then I came back at him asking if he felt like the way he approached me on this subject was a peaceful approach. He knows how strongly I feel about the subject and that a fight would probably ensue, yet he proceeded anyway. I question his motives and why he brought the whole thing up in the first place. He says I’m too judgmental and it’s not my place to judge. I wholeheartedly agree. He gave an example of a co-worker who he sees as being a good person, yet I would never have anything to do w/ her b/c of the language she uses and the sort of private topics she discusses. True, I wouldn’t - I just prefer to avoid an encounter like that.

So I should tolerate other people’s misbehavior b/c they’re a good person, but they don’t owe any respect toward my more conservative outlook? I should keep my opinions to myself out of respect for them, but they shouldn’t watch their language and subject matter around me? So, b/c I have certain standards or values, I’m a bad person b/c I prefer to have fellowship w/ others who will strengthen me rather than challenge me? For me, being around people w/ very secular views and interests constitutes a near occasion of sin for me b/c I know that I will judge that person, even if only in my thoughts.

Yeesh, feeling totally crushed. What hurts more is coming from my husband.

the following takes alot of practice, I mean alot of practice, but pray about it. Pray for the grace of evangelizing…

1 Peter 3:15-16
15 but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts. Always be** ready to give an explanation to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope**, 16 but do it with gentleness and reverence, keeping your conscience clear, so that, when you are maligned, those who defame your good conduct in Christ may **themselves be put to shame. **

Second, you are not judgmental when you are pointing out sin. Look, abortion and homosexuality is a sin because the bible teaches against both… Always use scripture as your pillar of defence. Remind them that your husband or whoever is waring **not **with you but with Christ! Their problem is not with you but with Christ! Keep the love, evangelize him with your Christian conduct. This may t ake many years, but keep trucking away! Pray, Pray, Pray!

In Christ!

 

[Axion]

Would your husband be happy around people who told him every twenty minutes that he was going to burn in hell for his attitudes? If not, hje should understand why you do not want to be with people who constantly swear or force an obnoxious world-view on you.

We have a right and duty to be judgemental in the right way. If someone is kicking a dog around the house - we should be judgemental about that. If someone is going round and burning out their neighbours - we should be “judgemental” about that too.

Saying that being judgemental is always wrong is like the people who say that Jesus stopped the woman being stoned, so we shouldn’t object to sinfulness. However they always forget to add that he then said “Sin no more.” As with everything its a balance between being not being condemnatory about the person, while still upholding a right lifestyle.

Condemning abortion is not being judgemental, but standing up for the defenceless. Backing off from protecting the defenceless because its not polite is completely reversing the proper priorities.

 

[Newbie2]

DH=?

 

[rwoehmke]

People often don’t mind hearing someone else’s point of view. The trouble starts when they are let know subtly or not that they should agree with you because they are wrong. For example in a discussion with a Baptist friend, I was told that once we accept Jesus we are saved; that our future sins and works accounted for nothing. My reply was that,he was free to belive whatever he wanted, but that as a Catholic I believed that as Paul says, “We work out our salvation with fear and trembling” and that future repentance and works were important. He did not feel threatened by my point of view because I did not force him to agree.