Born Again Virginity

[PaxRomana2013]

Greetings all:

Here’s a topic that’s been on my mind for some time. Would like to see what sort of opinions are out there.

What’s the best way to explain to someone that although you have fallen before to the sin of fornication (for the sake of discussion, say with one partner, years ago) you made a mistake against God’s way and the Church’s teaching? I find it very hard to be totally honest about my past mistake without feeling like a hypocrite. The thinking of most people is “now that you’ve done it once, just keep going.” And I know that’s not what I’m going to do.

Is it possible to be a “born again virgin?” The sin has been confessed and forgiven. Is it such a sin where you are never really as you were before?

I know it’s a pretty strange question, but it’s been on my mind. I just want to have healthy and honest romantic relationships that are in keeping with my Catholic faith without letting my one “bad” relationship defining me.

Thank you!

 

[pensmama87]

Greetings all:

Here’s a topic that’s been on my mind for some time. Would like to see what sort of opinions are out there.

What’s the best way to explain to someone that although you have fallen before to the sin of fornication (for the sake of discussion, say with one partner, years ago) you made a mistake against God’s way and the Church’s teaching? I find it very hard to be totally honest about my past mistake without feeling like a hypocrite. The thinking of most people is “now that you’ve done it once, just keep going.” And I know that’s not what I’m going to do.

Is it possible to be a “born again virgin?” The sin has been confessed and forgiven. Is it such a sin where you are never really as you were before?

I know it’s a pretty strange question, but it’s been on my mind. I just want to have healthy and honest romantic relationships that are in keeping with my Catholic faith without letting my one “bad” relationship defining me.

Thank you!

My personal thought is that this should not come up for some time in a relationship. When you’re in the early stages of getting to know each other, I wouldn’t bring it up.

That said, if you’re dating a practicing Catholic, then he (or she, I’m sorry, I can’t tell from your username) should be familiar with what confession is and that you have been forgiven. That said, our prior relationships, the good and the bad, do affect us. Being absolved from our sins does not mean that the sins never happened. Since you describe your other relationship as “bad,” you might do some work (if you haven’t already) on why it was bad and why you didn’t practice chastity. In some ways that could help you to better practice it this time, if you know that there were certain weaknesses or relationship dynamics at play.

If a person can’t get past your past, then it’s a sign that you shouldn’t continue to date that person. Same with if they take the secular mentality that what’s done is done so let’s just keep doing that - they’re not a good match for you.

 

[kozlosap]

Greetings all:

Here’s a topic that’s been on my mind for some time. Would like to see what sort of opinions are out there.

What’s the best way to explain to someone that although you have fallen before to the sin of fornication (for the sake of discussion, say with one partner, years ago) you made a mistake against God’s way and the Church’s teaching? I find it very hard to be totally honest about my past mistake without feeling like a hypocrite. The thinking of most people is “now that you’ve done it once, just keep going.” And I know that’s not what I’m going to do.

Is it possible to be a “born again virgin?” The sin has been confessed and forgiven. Is it such a sin where you are never really as you were before?

I know it’s a pretty strange question, but it’s been on my mind. I just want to have healthy and honest romantic relationships that are in keeping with my Catholic faith without letting my one “bad” relationship defining me.

Thank you!

IMHO, a person’s is far more important than one mistake. If in your heart you want to be chaste, that’s awesome. Confession is such a wonderful sacrament in that we do get to have new beginnings without the anchor of continually reproaching ourselves. If you meet someone and fall in love, be honest, although I can’t imagine that the fact you had prior experience would make a difference to your future spouse. If it does make a difference, you would not want to be with that person regardless.

 

[XenaFan]

Greetings all:

Here’s a topic that’s been on my mind for some time. Would like to see what sort of opinions are out there.

What’s the best way to explain to someone that although you have fallen before to the sin of fornication (for the sake of discussion, say with one partner, years ago) you made a mistake against God’s way and the Church’s teaching? I find it very hard to be totally honest about my past mistake without feeling like a hypocrite. The thinking of most people is “now that you’ve done it once, just keep going.” And I know that’s not what I’m going to do.

I think this should be brought up before you become exclusive with someone. It is a common deal breaker for some people whether we like it our not. Better to get that out of the way and not create resentment by keeping from someone for years.

Is it possible to be a “born again virgin?” The sin has been confessed and forgiven. Is it such a sin where you are never really as you were before?

There is no such thing as a born again virgin in the Catholic Church. Virginity is physical not something that can be regained.

While the sin may be confessed and forgiven it doesn’t mean the confessor is re-sanctified. Rather instead forgiveness restores the ability to receive God’s grace to become sanctified again.

The sin maybe forgive but that doesn’t mean the evils or consequences of the sin are restored. If you acquired an STD or STI, forgiveness doesn’t cure it. If you’ve lost your fertility to and STD forgiveness doesn’t restore it. If you’ve sired a child out of wedlock forgiveness doesn’t relieve you or your obligations to the child. Forgiveness doesn’t make things the way they were, rather it gives you the chance to go going.

I know it’s a pretty strange question, but it’s been on my mind. I just want to have healthy and honest romantic relationships that are in keeping with my Catholic faith without letting my one “bad” relationship defining me.

Thank you!

Maybe you before you start worrying about this, you should spent some time discerning if you are called to the married life.

 

[Memaw]

Greetings all:

Here’s a topic that’s been on my mind for some time. Would like to see what sort of opinions are out there.

What’s the best way to explain to someone that although you have fallen before to the sin of fornication (for the sake of discussion, say with one partner, years ago) you made a mistake against God’s way and the Church’s teaching? I find it very hard to be totally honest about my past mistake without feeling like a hypocrite. The thinking of most people is “now that you’ve done it once, just keep going.” And I know that’s not what I’m going to do.

Is it possible to be a “born again virgin?” The sin has been confessed and forgiven. Is it such a sin where you are never really as you were before?

I know it’s a pretty strange question, but it’s been on my mind. I just want to have healthy and honest romantic relationships that are in keeping with my Catholic faith without letting my one “bad” relationship defining me.

Thank you!

Everyone has been “born again” from something. Your confession is between you and the priest, (and of course God). No need to tell anyone else about it. Its forgiven and forgotten by God so why worry. That’s the great beauty of the Sacrament of Confession. If someone asked me if I did something in my past, I’d tell them it’s none of their business. Since when did we have to start confessing to everyone and anyone. God Bless, Memaw

 

[Joe_5859]

The metaphor I always have remembered from back in those high school chastity talks is that, just because your car hits a tree and damage is done does not mean that you back up and keep ramming into the tree over and over again. That just makes the damage worse.

 

[Xantippe]

I think this should be brought up before you become exclusive with someone. It is a common deal breaker for some people whether we like it our not. Better to get that out of the way and not create resentment by keeping from someone for years.

Why should a dating relationship between two financially independent adults drag on for years with no move toward engagement? That by itself is a red flag. (It’s somewhat different when it’s a very young person, of course, who can’t realistically get married in the next year or two.)

The nice lady at Seraphic Singles/Edinburgh Housewife recommends not mentioning virginity unless talking to a doctor or fiance (or near fiance). And presumably, it’s fine to mention to a priest or therapist. However, in general, it’s not good judgment to throw around highly personal information, including sexual history or lack of sexual history.

I know young people tend to overshare, but learning not to overshare is an important step toward having a happy marriage and adulthood later on.

Also, mentioning either virginity or non-virginity to a person you don’t know well could cause them temptation, so it’s not a loving thing to do. As SS/EH says somewhere, there are such things as virgin hunters, so announcing virginity can be like chumming shark-infested waters. Likewise, even more obviously, announcing non-virginity can be like chumming shark-infested waters.

So, unless it’s somebody who actually needs to know in order to treat you properly in a medical or pastoral setting, or unless it’s a fiance/e, zip the lips.

 

[pianistclare]

Everyone has been “born again” from something. Your confession is between you and the priest, (and of course God). No need to tell anyone else about it. Its forgiven and forgotten by God so why worry. That’s the great beauty of the Sacrament of Confession. If someone asked me if I did something in my past, I’d tell them it’s none of their business. Since when did we have to start confessing to everyone and anyone. God Bless, Memaw

Agree.
Also, Read some of the articles chastity.com for insights.

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

Greetings all:

Here’s a topic that’s been on my mind for some time. Would like to see what sort of opinions are out there.

What’s the best way to explain to someone that although you have fallen before to the sin of fornication (for the sake of discussion, say with one partner, years ago) you made a mistake against God’s way and the Church’s teaching? I find it very hard to be totally honest about my past mistake without feeling like a hypocrite. The thinking of most people is “now that you’ve done it once, just keep going.” And I know that’s not what I’m going to do.

Is it possible to be a “born again virgin?” The sin has been confessed and forgiven. Is it such a sin where you are never really as you were before?

I know it’s a pretty strange question, but it’s been on my mind. I just want to have healthy and honest romantic relationships that are in keeping with my Catholic faith without letting my one “bad” relationship defining me.

Thank you!

No, once virginity is gone, it’s gone forever. God will forgive the sin, but he cannot restore a a fallen virgin back to being a virgin.

 

[jane_doe]

I’ve heard it phrased (when it comes up in a serious relationship)–

“I’ve been happily chaste for X years and counting”

 

[St_Francis]

It sounds to me like people the OP (PaxRomana2013) is dating are pressuring her or him to have sex on the grounds that he or she is no longer a virgin.

In which case, those are not the people PR should be dating. PR does not have to announce the state of virginity, but make clear that sin or occasions of sin are off the table.

 

[EasterJoy]

“Regrettably, I am no longer a virgin, even though I’ve never been married, but I’ve confessed that (episode/period of my life/set of poor decisions) and repented. I’ve remained chaste for _____ (or for many) years, and I have no intention of changing that before marriage.”

How’s that?

 

[Allegra]

Unless you are discerning marriage with someone, I don’t see how it’s any of their business. However, I would think that from a standpoint of a person seeking a spouse, a genuine and long-term commitment to chastity, as well as a full understanding of the Church’s teachings on sexuality would be far more important than simple physical virginity. One can technically be a virgin and still be far from chaste.

 

[PaxRomana2013]

Hey all! OP Here.

I was a little nervous to post all that but I forgot how great a community it was here. You all have had really good (name removed by moderator)uts.

I am a man, into my 20s, currently not a virgin. It’s true that the sin is not on the table to occur and I committed the sin in high school, a dumb 17 year old. I’ve since grown and matured and am just really trying to get as close to God as possible. I’ve been Catholic my whole life, but I guess we all make mistakes.

Hopefully that provides some clarity. Sorry I didn’t say that at first.

 

[pensmama87]

Hey all! OP Here.

I was a little nervous to post all that but I forgot how great a community it was here. You all have had really good (name removed by moderator)uts.

I am a man, into my 20s, currently not a virgin. It’s true that the sin is not on the table to occur and I committed the sin in high school, a dumb 17 year old. I’ve since grown and matured and am just really trying to get as close to God as possible. I’ve been Catholic my whole life, but I guess we all make mistakes.

Hopefully that provides some clarity. Sorry I didn’t say that at first.

Actually, I think a mature, practicing Catholic woman would be very understanding. If she isn’t, then again, she must not be “the one” for you.

In many cases, though not always, women receive pressure from men to “just give in already.” A woman might be very reassured that you are committed to chastity (we’re taught to be wary of attempts to seduce ). I still wouldn’t bring it up first thing, but if a relationship were to grow more serious, then I think something like EasterJoy said would be perfect.

 

[Ophelia23]

Greetings all:

Here’s a topic that’s been on my mind for some time. Would like to see what sort of opinions are out there.

What’s the best way to explain to someone that although you have fallen before to the sin of fornication (for the sake of discussion, say with one partner, years ago) you made a mistake against God’s way and the Church’s teaching? I find it very hard to be totally honest about my past mistake without feeling like a hypocrite. The thinking of most people is “now that you’ve done it once, just keep going.” And I know that’s not what I’m going to do.

Is it possible to be a “born again virgin?” The sin has been confessed and forgiven. Is it such a sin where you are never really as you were before?

I know it’s a pretty strange question, but it’s been on my mind. I just want to have healthy and honest romantic relationships that are in keeping with my Catholic faith without letting my one “bad” relationship defining me.

Thank you!

There is no “born again virginity”. Either one is a virgin or they are not.

This does NOT mean, however, that we are forever stained by past behavior. There may never be a return to virginity, but there can always be a return to abstinence, chastity, wisdom, restraint and faithfulness. Focus your heart on all of these things.

You ask, “Is it such a sin where you are never really as you were before?” And the answer is, all sin is such that you are never fully as you were before. We have Reconciliation for the forgiveness of sin, but it does not undo the consequence of sin. That is precisely what Purgatory is for: to purge the effect of sin. Say, for example, you broke my arm. I could forgive you, I would forgive you, but that does not heal my arm. Or a more true life example, take pornography. You can be forgiven of the sin, you will be forgiven if you seek the forgiveness, but your eyes can not unsee. All sin changes us. This is why, even with the sacrament of Reconciliation, we strive to avoid it as best as we can so as to remain as whole as possible.

But there is so much joy in this message. There is forgiveness. We are changed by our sinful actions, but we can take that change and grow from it. One can’t ever come to know the sunshine if they don’t know the nighttime. When seeking a spouse, we aim to find someone who can try to see us as God sees us and we do our darndest to reciprocate that too.

My own two cents are… work on forgiving yourself. God has forgiven you. What was done can’t be undone. You are not tainted, you are not less, you are not just a “non-virgin”. You are blessed with the wisdom and grace to grow from past behaviors. You are beautifully created in God’s own image, and you are beloved by the Creator with a ferocious love that we can hardly comprehend.

 

[PaxRomana2013]

There is no “born again virginity”. Either one is a virgin or they are not.

This does NOT mean, however, that we are forever stained by past behavior. There may never be a return to virginity, but there can always be a return to abstinence, chastity, wisdom, restraint and faithfulness. Focus your heart on all of these things.

You ask, “Is it such a sin where you are never really as you were before?” And the answer is, all sin is such that you are never fully as you were before. We have Reconciliation for the forgiveness of sin, but it does not undo the consequence of sin. That is precisely what Purgatory is for: to purge the effect of sin. Say, for example, you broke my arm. I could forgive you, I would forgive you, but that does not heal my arm. Or a more true life example, take pornography. You can be forgiven of the sin, you will be forgiven if you seek the forgiveness, but your eyes can not unsee. All sin changes us. This is why, even with the sacrament of Reconciliation, we strive to avoid it as best as we can so as to remain as whole as possible.

But there is so much joy in this message. There is forgiveness. We are changed by our sinful actions, but we can take that change and grow from it. One can’t ever come to know the sunshine if they don’t know the nighttime. When seeking a spouse, we aim to find someone who can try to see us as God sees us and we do our darndest to reciprocate that too.

My own two cents are… work on forgiving yourself. God has forgiven you. What was done can’t be undone. You are not tainted, you are not less, you are not just a “non-virgin”. You are blessed with the wisdom and grace to grow from past behaviors. You are beautifully created in God’s own image, and you are beloved by the Creator with a ferocious love that we can hardly comprehend.

Wow. That’s a great perspective. Since my experience with an unchaste relationship I’ve truly learned why it was unsuccessful and it was due to a lack of my true appreciation for what love truly is. While it was a sin and mistake, I’ve certainly grown from it and learned. Most surprisingly, I think I’m now more committed to all-around (self and partner) purity than if I would have never had the experience, the guilt and then the subsequent forgiveness and grace that comes with it.

 

[Sunbreak]

You can’t have “born again” virginity, but just because you had sex before doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it. Would you keep stealing if friends pressured you if you foolishly shoplifted once when you were a teen?

 

[Viki63]

Jason and Crystalina Evert, if I recall, talk about becoming a virgin again, once you have realized that you made an error in the past. I took my son to hear him speak once, and it was great.
I’m not sure which of his books it appears in, but I’m pretty sure that’s one of their concepts.

Of course one is either a virgin or not, technically, but that is not the important thing, What God is interested in is the state of our heart now, and our choices now.
So like Crystalina Evert, we can choose to become chaste in the present, and live chaste lives from now on. God is all about changing us, anyway.

.

 

[Sarcelle]

I think this should be brought up before you become exclusive with someone. It is a common deal breaker for some people whether we like it our not. Better to get that out of the way and not create resentment by keeping from someone for years.

There is no such thing as a born again virgin in the Catholic Church. Virginity is physical not something that can be regained.

While the sin may be confessed and forgiven it doesn’t mean the confessor is re-sanctified. Rather instead forgiveness restores the ability to receive God’s grace to become sanctified again.

The sin maybe forgive but that doesn’t mean the evils or consequences of the sin are restored. If you acquired an STD or STI, forgiveness doesn’t cure it. If you’ve lost your fertility to and STD forgiveness doesn’t restore it. If you’ve sired a child out of wedlock forgiveness doesn’t relieve you or your obligations to the child. Forgiveness doesn’t make things the way they were, rather it gives you the chance to go going.

Maybe you before you start worrying about this, you should spent some time discerning if you are called to the married life.

You may be forgiven by you cannot be a born again virgin. This is not Catholic doctrine. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. The sin may be forgiven but the consequences are still there.