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1ke
Guest
It is imprudent to have a boyfriend or girlfriend who is exhibiting depression coupled with marijuana smoking, and who appears to be staying out all night. It is equally imprudent for a Cathlic young lady to pursue a relationship with someone who is not a practicing Catholic.
Personally I think it is imprudent for 16 year olds to have boyfriends at all.
I think by “liberal” she means he sees nothing wrong with recreational drug use. Which, yes, is problematic.
It may mean he sees nothing wrong with other objectionable things too-- teen sex, contraception, same sex relationships, abortion. But without more information we don’t know exactly what “liberal” means in this instance.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
No. That s just an irresponsible opinion.
- Regardless of state legalization it is against federal US law.
- The persons in question are minors. Again in states where it is legal the age is 21. So it is not legal for a 17 year old.
- Legality is not the whole of the morality.
- Because something is arguably worse, does not make the other thing better.
5 even in California for medical reasons the op’s boyfriend would have to pony up a sizable amount of money and doctors are reluctant to prescribe to minors, barring serious (like cancer serious) health issues. If the op’s boyfriend was being treated for cancer I doubt she would stop him. - I hear all the time how “harmless” this drug is except millions of people have given up freedom by being incarcerated, professional sports careers, families have been torn apart, scholarships lost. Jobs lost… Children taken from parents all from this supposed harmless non addictive natural piece of heaven…
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
You are young. What he did was not the worst thing in the world. He is also young and this will not be his last mistake. Chances are you will not end up together. Have a good cry, forgive him (seriously) and move on from the relationship. While I don’t take the extreme position that 16 is too young to date, I do take the position that your level of attachment and emotion is perhaps unhealthy.
Go find a nice Catholic boy to date…
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Thorolfr
Guest
I find it odd that marijuana would be considered a “drug” that is somehow different from alcohol and tobacco which aren’t. The only thing that is really different is that marijuana started to be labeled an illegal drug is some states after 1906 but was not illegal before that. The distinction between marijuana on the one hand and alcohol and tobacco on the other seems rather arbitrary to me.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
Have you discussed this with your parents. That would be more prudent than strangers on the Internet. They know you better than we do.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
Before this devolve into a legalization thread let’s notice that we are talking about minors here. Hopefully you would have a different take if the op noted her seventeen year old atheist liberal boyfriend likes to of on cold medicine to get high?
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acadiANNA
Guest
As previously stated, you can’t help him. He needs professional help and the sooner the better. Given a choice, he will no doubt choose the habit over you. He may fool you for a while and have you think he has given it up, but at this point he is not to be trusted. You are worth more than to be drawn into his web of moral decay. He needs to seek treatment. If he is friends with these people because they are the only ones who share his interest in games, he needs to find other games, other people. He is so wrong, it’s time for his parents’ intervention. They need to know. I appreciate that you are concerned for him, but it doesn’t seem he wants your help. I really think the best thing you can do for him is not to be an enabler. Walk away and don’t go back. For your sake and his. Praying…
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EasterJoy
Guest
Yes. To clarify, I meant that it is fruitless to argue the medicinal value or anything of that nature with someone who is convinced that something is theoretically acceptable. You’ll get nowhere.
It is better to say, “I’m not even arguing that, because no matter what is OK for someone else, it isn’t OK with me. This is my line, I’m drawing it, and no guff.” There is no arguing with that, provided this young woman understands that she has the authority to draw her own boundaries.
It is like explaining your morals to someone who is not Catholic. If they want to know what the Church teaches, fine. Tell them what the Church teaches. If they are going to denigrate your beliefs because you got them from the Church, don’t throw pearls before swine. Simply state that within the norms of the greater society you have the authority to draw your own boundaries. Then draw them and stick with them, and don’t let anybody who wants to be included in your intimate circle try to imply that you don’t have the authority to decide what you will and will not tolerate.
The OP has no intention to tolerate marijuana use. She may only be 16, but if she’s old enough to have a boyfriend she’d better decide she’s old enough and has enough integrity to be true to what she knows to be true and enough spirit to stick up for her own sense of what she wants in the man in her life. She should not let her affection for this fellow’s other strong points to cloud her vision of what she expects of herself and those in her inner circle. Once she makes concessions out of affection or a fear of giving offense, she is wide open to be manipulated farther and farther away from what she believes and what she sees as necessary to be true to herself, not to mention her faith.
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EasterJoy
Guest
He’s used twice (that she knows of). He may not choose the pot over her if she says she won’t tolerate it. There is no reason he won’t choose the pot if she will tolerate it. I’m not saying it is on her to stop him; he has plenty of reasons not to use pot. I’m saying if she merely asks that he stop, he’ll naturally take that as a sign that she’s leaving the decision solely up to him.
More to the point, if she tolerates hiding things from her because he’s afraid she won’t like it or she’ll lecture him or if she tolerates deceit of any kind, she’s asking to get a steady diet of that. She and whoever she puts in that particular position of trust need to have a clear agreement on what they do and don’t disclose to each other, when, and how. It is not open to negotiation. You communicate and you find someone with whom you can find a point of mutual agreement, a person who will stick with your agreements. (This requires the courage to talk about what you expect, a willingness to risk losing someone because you are open about your standards and won’t compromise them in order to snag a partner.)
Psychologists very often give the Rule of Threes: Let me down once…you’re human. Let me down twice, OK, maybe I’ll give you a second chance. Let me down three times, and it is on me if I leave you in a position to let me down again. You’ve taught me your behavior pattern. I have no one to blame but myself if I magically expect you’re going to start behaving differently the next time the chips are down.
The other question is this: What kind of friends does he have, that supply him with pot? If you don’t like his friends and their view of what is appropriate, leave him to find someone who likes what his friends like. Find yourself someone who has friends you also admire, who bring out what you think is the best in the fellow you put in that special place in your life. Those are his hand-picked indicators of what he wants in companions. They will tell you volumes about him that you might not be ready to see in him directly.
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Giggly_Giraffe
Guest
Long ago, I dated a man who was clean-cut and stuff. He moved to Britain then six months later to Vegas; he was a “Business Tourism major”. Anyways, I flew down to Vegas to visit him. He ditched me to get high (meth? I think) … Anyways, it felt like he died … I cried, I grieved the person I knew … Wished this new stranger before me my best wishes … Ran and never looked back. I should probably offer up a prayer for this man in hopes for his conversion.
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WT1
Guest
This is a lie that you are telling yourself to justify the use of marijuana. As it has been pointed out marijuana is a drug that is illegal on the federal level and immoral to use by the teachings of the Church. There really isn’t any other discusion that needs to take place on this issue.
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RPRPsych
Guest
No. That s just an irresponsible opinion.
Just a bad position all the way around…
- Regardless of state legalization it is against federal US law.
- The persons in question are minors. Again in states where it is legal the age is 21. So it is not legal for a 17 year old.
- Legality is not the whole of the morality.
- Because something is arguably worse, does not make the other thing better.
5 even in California for medical reasons the op’s boyfriend would have to pony up a sizable amount of money and doctors are reluctant to prescribe to minors, barring serious (like cancer serious) health issues. If the op’s boyfriend was being treated for cancer I doubt she would stop him.- I hear all the time how “harmless” this drug is except millions of people have given up freedom by being incarcerated, professional sports careers, families have been torn apart, scholarships lost. Jobs lost… Children taken from parents all from this supposed harmless non addictive natural piece of heaven…
And I might add: since this boy already has a mood disorder (depression), cannabis can only make it worse, either by triggering anxiety or by unmasking a latent bipolar disorder / psychosis. He has all the reasons in the world to stay away from the stuff.
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WJeffrey
Guest
Arbitrary???
Why are you even discussing the justification of criminal activity with a 16 year old child?
I hope you stay more than 1000 feet from schools and places where children congregate.
You have no business having any contact with children.
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SuperHappy
Guest
You can only control yourself, not anyone else. I believe it would be best for you to separate yourself from this situation. You are 16, you don’t need to be dealing with such problems at your age.
I know it’s hard to hear but you don’t want to get into a pattern of making a boundary and when it’s crossed, changing the boundary.
I would forgive him for the disrespect and keep it moving. You are going to have many more relationships. Just take the lesson from this one and keep moving forward.
I know it’s hard to hear but you don’t want to get into a pattern of making a boundary and when it’s crossed, changing the boundary.
I would forgive him for the disrespect and keep it moving. You are going to have many more relationships. Just take the lesson from this one and keep moving forward.
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1ke
Guest
They are 16 and 17, therefore recreational drug use, alcohol use, and tobacco use are all in the same category: illegal to use. They are not different.
This is not a thread on US drug, alcohol, and tobacco policy for adults, so I suggest start a thread on that if you want to discuss that topic.
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pensmama87
Guest
When I was 16, any alcohol, tobacco, or other drug use/abuse would have been a dealbreaker for me.
OP, you’re not obligated to save this guy from himself. It sounds like you’re seriously emotionally entangled already (late night texting, for instance) and I don’t think that’s healthy for either you or him. You’re not his mom. He needs to be able to take care of himself if he wants to date. If he can’t do that, then it’s unfair to both of you to continue dating.
OP, you’re not obligated to save this guy from himself. It sounds like you’re seriously emotionally entangled already (late night texting, for instance) and I don’t think that’s healthy for either you or him. You’re not his mom. He needs to be able to take care of himself if he wants to date. If he can’t do that, then it’s unfair to both of you to continue dating.
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acadiANNA
Guest
If your best friend would be in the same situation, what would you advise him/her to do?
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EasterJoy
Guest
None of those belong in quotes, in the sense that they are all psycho-active substances with addictive potential.
Alcohol and tobacco are also mood-altering substances, yes. Having said that, marijuana and alcohol impair the senses to the extent they make it unsafe to operate a motor vehicle (for instance) while under the influence, and of marijuana and alcohol only alcohol is ever consumed in amounts that don’t affect the mood. People do not consume marijuana because they enjoy the flavor.
In this case, however, the legality for people have reached majority doesn’t matter, since the young man in question is still a minor.
Most importantly from the OP’s point of view, he’s engaging in something he hides from her. If that does not stop immediately, she needs to break it off, even if the problem is something as totally legal for him as online video gaming. If he practices any kind of deceit, manipulation or so on in order to enjoy something she doesn’t like, she needs to walk away.
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EasterJoy
Guest
Marijuana use turns her stomach but is approved by many of this young couple’s peers. He’s tried it once, didn’t like it, but he’s back at it.
Unless she is convinced that he was unduly pressured to try marijuana again and that his failure to tell her what he was up to was a communication issue and not an instance of deceit, I’d say drop him. Period. Otherwise, you’re signing on to be a warden. She shouldn’t blame *him *when he does it again, particularly if he says a single word to excuse what he did.
At the most generous, make it clear to him that this was Strike Two, and the umpire is going to keep calling the strike zone fairly.
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