Boyfriend dilemma

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Inwe86

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So I recently just started dating a catholic guy. He and I have hit it off really well, and it seems like that so far, we’re on the same page regarding everything we want in marriage. He goes to church every Sunday and strongly believes in the sacraments. He realizes that marriage is a sacrament and is sacred. He wants to save sex with me for marriage. So far so good…

The problem is, he has a shady past. He has come a long way since, but there are still a few things hanging on to him. For one, his friends. Most of them are not catholic and are, in my opinion, a bad influence on him. They all tend to use a lot of sexual humor with each other. Yes, he participates in this and does not hide this from me. Because of this sexual humor, they often see movies with a lot of sex humor in it. Like right now, he wants to see that new movie “MacGruber,” which I know got an “O” from the USCCB.

I honestly think he has become really desensitized to this stuff and that it doesn’t bother him anymore. It bothers me though! I haven’t really spoken to him about this yet because I don’t want to nag him. I’ve already questioned him pretty rigorously about his past.What on earth should I do? My boyfriend is absolutely amazing on all other fronts. He’s also very upfront and honest with me about everything. I’m not looking at this as a red flag, just something that needs to be overcome in his life.

Any advice, and of course prayers, are greatly appreciated!
 
I think that fact that he has the basics down: attends church, sacraments are important, save sex for marriage… etc… that’s a GREAT thing. I would be a bit bothered by the conversations he has with his friends - but not overly concerned. How old is he? I think when we’re younger we have friends we can goof around with who make us laugh… or friends we’ve just sort of grown up with and so we’re not so picky about their morals, or lack of them. If you become more serious like husband and wife, your friendships will probably naturally change. No longer will you have time to hang out with a big group… you’ll probably pick a few who you have the most in common with and gravitate toward them. Eventually his friends will grow up as well… and hopefully mature and stop talking smack about women.

It sounds like the relationship is fairly new? I’d be more concerned with his “shady past.” It’s great that he’s come a long way… but I’d keep a watchful eye out even still. I would pay almost zero attention to what he says, and focus instead on what he DOES. Hopefully he’ll stay on this path… but if he steps off - DUMP HIM. You sound like a great girl and you don’t want to hitch yourself to someone you have to reform or help rehabilitate. YOU deserve better than that.
 
I stopped trusting the USCB’s movie reviews when they gave 9 an L because the character representing dogmatism/fear was dressed kinda like a bishop, which apparently is an enormous moral dilemma.
Sexual humor is a part of youth culture (aka below 30)- that’s not to excuse it, but rather to say that he’ll almost certainly grow out of it. He may not outgrow his friends, but at least from your description they don’t seem that problematic.
 
yellowbird said:
I think that fact that he has the basics down: attends church, sacraments are important, save sex for marriage… etc… that’s a GREAT thing. I would be a bit bothered by the conversations he has with his friends - but not overly concerned. How old is he? I think when we’re younger we have friends we can goof around with who make us laugh… or friends we’ve just sort of grown up with and so we’re not so picky about their morals, or lack of them. If you become more serious like husband and wife, your friendships will probably naturally change. No longer will you have time to hang out with a big group… you’ll probably pick a few who you have the most in common with and gravitate toward them. Eventually his friends will grow up as well… and hopefully mature and stop talking smack about women.

It sounds like the relationship is fairly new? I’d be more concerned with his “shady past.” It’s great that he’s come a long way… but I’d keep a watchful eye out even still. I would pay almost zero attention to what he says, and focus instead on what he DOES. Hopefully he’ll stay on this path… but if he steps off - DUMP HIM. You sound like a great girl and you don’t want to hitch yourself to someone you have to reform or help rehabilitate. YOU deserve better than that.
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Thanks, Yellowbird 🙂

Yes, he is young. He’s 23. He’s been good friends with this group for quite a long time now. I think they’re basically all he has in the way of friends, so they’re very influential over him. They also share a common passion in film making, so they all have something in common to strengthen their friendships.

It is fairly new. He has been trying to improve his life since before I started dating him, so I’m hoping this is a good sign that he will stay on the right path. He likes the fact that I’m a modest, Catholic girl with strong moral principles. I feel like he desires all the right things. I’m praying my eyeballs out for this boy!

Thanks again for the reply! God bless!
 
tjm190 said:
I stopped trusting the USCB’s movie reviews when they gave 9 an L because the character representing dogmatism/fear was dressed kinda like a bishop, which apparently is an enormous moral dilemma.
Sexual humor is a part of youth culture (aka below 30)- that’s not to excuse it, but rather to say that he’ll almost certainly grow out of it. He may not outgrow his friends, but at least from your description they don’t seem that problematic.
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I hope you’re right, tjm…thanks for the reply!
 
Why do you care? Just because he is abstinent and is pseudo-religious does not mean that he is not a guy. Open your eyes and realize that guys like crude humor. It’s just nature (which, in fact, is more legit than any God could ever be!)
 
eonNEXUS said:
Why do you care? Just because he is abstinent and is pseudo-religious does not mean that he is not a guy. Open your eyes and realize that guys like crude humor. It’s just nature (which, in fact, is more legit than any God could ever be!)
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Yes, I do realize that most guys (my young guy friends anyway) like crude humor…doesn’t mean that all indulge in it though.
 
Inwe86 said:
Yes, I do realize that most guys (my young guy friends anyway) like crude humor…doesn’t mean that all indulge in it though.
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More often than not, most guys will engage in crude humor. If they’re not, they’re either gay or around a girl that they’re trying to impress. Just ignore it and go on, fool.
 
If you’ve found yourself a man willing to wait until marriage, and respects the other sacraments, even if he never stops engaging in crude sexual humor, consider yourself as having won the spouse lottery. My wife had to put up with so much more from me…

Keep in mind that it’s difficult for people to shed past relationships, but that does not mean one is bound by them. I too have a shady past, and still have a number of friends from that era. I see them occasionally, but they don’t affect me in any way. If anything, seeing them gives me an example of why I’m thankful I have changed. But because of a long history with them, I can’t just stop seeing them altogether.

In sum, stay hopeful and realize that most good guys are a little rough around the edges. Part of the reason men are supposed to be with women is so we can be polished up!
 
*You say you recently started dating him…maybe give it more time to make sure this is the right person for marriage. Just let the relationship run its course, and see how you feel after say a year. I’m not sure what ‘‘recent’’ means…but if you’re talking a month or two…to me, I’d wait a bit longer to see if yes, this person makes sense for marriage. Right now, it might be too soon to tell…if he has a shady past, and he truly is now changed, that will show to you, but only in time. No need to rush into anything…that’s my advice. (not saying you’re rushing, but he’s waiting to have sex ‘‘with you’’ in marriage, strikes me as he is jumping the gun a bit…if the relationship is still fresh and new, I personally would see where it is 6 months to a year.) *
 
Hey, I am an old fuddy-duddy, but my mother used to say,“Marry in haste, regret in leisure.”
Marriage is a BIG step and knowing and marrying anyone in much less than a year is foolhardy. Less than a year and more than two or three has always struck me as being less than optimal in timing for anyone. As Catholics most of us get only one legitamite marriage in a lifetime so don’t blow it by rushing in. 🙂
 
rwoehmke said:
Hey, I am an old fuddy-duddy, but my mother used to say,“Marry in haste, regret in leisure.”
Marriage is a BIG step and knowing and marrying anyone in much less than a year is foolhardy. Less than a year and more than two or three has always struck me as being less than optimal in timing for anyone. As Catholics most of us get only one legitamite marriage in a lifetime so don’t blow it by rushing in. 🙂
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Out of curiosity, why is more than 2-3 years considered less than optimal? I’ve seen that a few times on the boards now. Is it mostly because of the “better to marry than burn” thing? I only ask because I will hit the 3.5 year mark before my wedding.:o

To the OP: Even now, my fiance occasionally uses crude humor with some of his friends from work. I’ve called him out on it a few times, and he’s aware that it’s not particularly edifying. (Most of the time, he’s the one who will change the subject to video games or something when they start.) It’s just difficult to get along in an entrenched culture like that, and old habits die hard. I wouldn’t make a big fuss–just make it clear that’s not your style (i.e. don’t go see the movie).
 
rwoehmke said:
Hey, I am an old fuddy-duddy, but my mother used to say,“Marry in haste, regret in leisure.”
Marriage is a BIG step and knowing and marrying anyone in much less than a year is foolhardy. Less than a year and more than two or three has always struck me as being less than optimal in timing for anyone. As Catholics most of us get only one legitamite marriage in a lifetime so don’t blow it by rushing in. 🙂
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Oh don’t worry, my boyfriend and I aren’t rushing into marriage 🙂 If we do end up getting married to each other, it wouldn’t be for at least another 2-3 years now. I agree that less than a year can be problematic, but I don’t think it would be a bad idea if I pushed our particular relationship to at least 3, just considering the circumstances 🙂

Thanks for your reply (and concern)!
 
Inwe86 said:
So I recently just started dating a catholic guy. He and I have hit it off really well, and it seems like that so far, we’re on the same page regarding everything we want in marriage. He goes to church every Sunday and strongly believes in the sacraments. He realizes that marriage is a sacrament and is sacred. He wants to save sex with me for marriage. So far so good…

The problem is, he has a shady past. He has come a long way since, but there are still a few things hanging on to him. For one, his friends. Most of them are not catholic and are, in my opinion, a bad influence on him. They all tend to use a lot of sexual humor with each other. Yes, he participates in this and does not hide this from me. Because of this sexual humor, they often see movies with a lot of sex humor in it. Like right now, he wants to see that new movie “MacGruber,” which I know got an “O” from the USCCB.

I honestly think he has become really desensitized to this stuff and that it doesn’t bother him anymore. It bothers me though! I haven’t really spoken to him about this yet because I don’t want to nag him. I’ve already questioned him pretty rigorously about his past.What on earth should I do? My boyfriend is absolutely amazing on all other fronts. He’s also very upfront and honest with me about everything. I’m not looking at this as a red flag, just something that needs to be overcome in his life.

Any advice, and of course prayers, are greatly appreciated!
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2-3 years dating…a bit long?

Why not ask him (not nag)

Frame it this way, ‘I really would like it if…’

My thoughts and experience are that if a man loves a woman, he would do anything for her.

One post here is right, in that past habits are hard to break
Spirit is willing and flesh is weak
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This is where you both can assist each other is breaking off some bad habits. Good exercise for the future…
 
I think it depends upon what you consider a “shady past” and “crude behavior”. I don’t necessarily consider SNL stuff or a movie like “MacGruber” particularly crude and would find it perfectly normal for any person in their early 20s to find that stuff amusing. If the “crude language” is all you are considering to be a part of a “shady past”, I think I’d being giving the new boyfriend more understanding. Now if his friends are doing drugs or other illegal behavior, that would be a deal breaker for me. But I’d be careful of wanting any potential mate to live up to a too high of standard or expectation.
 
Just tell him that it makes you feel uncomfortable. If he truly cares for you, he’ll stop.
 
Unless he’s always ridiculously foul, I think you should loosen up. If he’s a genuinely decent person, then allow him to crack some jokes with his friends.
 
Just one thought about sexual humor. I visited my brother, who was in English seminary in an Rome about 3 years ago, right after I started dating the woman who would become my wife.

Anyway, you would have been surprised at the amount of sexual humor that was engaged in by the seminarians I encountered. While I would hardly say the situation is ideal, I think that often times, such humor is an outlet for men who for one reason or another are abstaining from sexual relations.

–
Bill
 
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