Boyfriend in his late 30's discerning Priesthood

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Dania23

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Hi all. I read a couple of posts about this topic, but still needed a bit of guidance since my case is a little different. I’m 33 and i’m dating a 38 year old man that told me he is discerning priesthood. We’re both cradle Catholics. We have been dating for about 6 months and everything was going wonderful- actually it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had in terms of getting along, and he has said the same. He is divorced and annulled with a preteen from his previous marriage. Well last month we both went to a Mercy & Mary Retreat with Fr. Gaitley (so I know that story) and things started changing from there. I noticed him praying more and more quiet until I finally asked to talk what was going on, and that’s when he dropped the surprise that he thinks God is calling him to priesthood, and he heard a loud call at the retreat. A hundred things and feelings went through my head, but I somehow was able to tell him that I understood and respected his decision without snapping at him. I am shocked, a bit angry (we had the vocation talk in the beginning and he assured me he wasn’t considering it), felt lied to, resentful, sad… you name it.

Anyhow, I took a step back so he could discern his true vocation, but I am just at loss of words here. I stopped calling and texting because I truly do not want to stand in the way if God is really calling him to priesthood, but it hurts. I’ve been praying for him every day. I love him and don’t want to lose him, but I do not want him to stay by force because we’d never be happy anyway. I’m just so confused. I am honestly not counting that he’ll be back; there is no point in me waiting for him because this could take years. I am also not wanting to date again… I’m at the point of really calling it quits. And no I am not being called to be a nun. I’ve really never had the calling to religious life. I’ve always known that my calling was to either singlehood and care for my parents, or married life and care for a family (and parents).
 
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If you truly do not want to stand in God’s way, then dont. Pray for God"s will for your life to be revealed to you.
 
Dania23 said:
I am honestly not counting that he’ll be back; there is no point in me waiting for him because this could take years.
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You are not in the way of God’s plan for him if you do text and message him. His discernment is his own. St. Paul said love is the highest of them all. If you like him that much tell him so. If he really wants to be a priest he’s not gonna change his mind just because you say so. I mean, I don’t think you are fighting God if you are honest with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel about him.
Discernment is not supposed to be necessarily easy imho. God loves the truth you don’t need to hold back now. Jesus said “let yay be yay and let nay be nay.”
 
This isn’t the kind of thing where a person always knows what direction they will go, so I wouldn’t call his earlier assurance that he wasn’t considering a priestly vocation as a deception of any kind.

No, you should not wait for him. If you want to continue to spend time with him, great, but he’s considering a radical call and it will not be a harm to him for you to follow your own path and allow him to realize what it is that the path he’s choosing entails. If he becomes a priest, he will be serving the world; the world will not be revolving around him. By this time in his life, he doesn’t have an endless amount of time for these choices, either. Neither do you. None of us knows how much time we have; we don’t have an endless amount of time for dithering. I would tell him you’re breaking it off, and if he ever makes a commitment with himself for certain that he does not have a priestly vocation, he is welcome to see what is going on with you, and not before. He has had his one chance on that; he needs to come back honest and honestly certain. Maybe you’ll be available; maybe you won’t.

You could send him this, Pope St. John Paul II’s homily for the canonization of St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross:
http://w2.vatican.va/content/john-p...98/documents/hf_jp-ii_hom_11101998_stein.html

Here’s the excerpt that made me think of this situation:
"…Although Edith Stein had been brought up religiously by her Jewish mother, at the age of 14 she “had consciously and deliberately stopped praying”. She wanted to rely exclusively on herself and was concerned to assert her freedom in making decisions about her life. At the end of a long journey, she came to the surprising realization: only those who commit themselves to the love of Christ become truly free.

“This woman had to face the challenges of such a radically changing century as our own. Her experience is an example to us. The modern world boasts of the enticing door which says: everything is permitted. It ignores the narrow gate of discernment and renunciation. I am speaking especially to you, young Christians, particularly to the many altar servers who have come to Rome these days on pilgrimage: Pay attention! Your life is not an endless series of open doors! Listen to your heart! Do not stay on the surface, but go to the heart of things! And when the time is right, have the courage to decide! The Lord is waiting for you to put your freedom in his good hands…” (boldface mine)
 
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Personally, I don’t think he knows what he wants. The facts that he has already been married once, divorced, then began dating you while supposedly discerning seems like some red flags to me. No one should be dating who is discerning. He seems like a nice man, but he also seems like one that has some kind of issues, even if it is only the one of lack of prudence (which usually is accompanied by others). I’d seriously consider moving on.
 
I’m not making accusations, though I knew someone would come to that conclusion. It’s more a matter of patterns than any one thing in my mind.

To Dania23: Has he actually talked to someone about the child? I think you may be correct. If he has an underage child to support, I think this may bar him canonically from the priesthood since someone depends on him for support, though I am not certain on this. That may end things once and for all.
 
Lara said:
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Dania23:
He is divorced and annulled with a preteen from his previous marriage.
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I would let him go on this basis. He’s too old, too weathered, too confused. Get a nice fresh one, preferably one who’s younger by a few years. That way, there’s more likelihood of him being around when you’re older.
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There is only a 5 year age difference here.
 
JHFamily said:
Personally, I don’t think he knows what he wants. The facts that he has already been married once, divorced, then began dating you while supposedly discerning seems like some red flags to me. No one should be dating who is discerning. He seems like a nice man, but he also seems like one that has some kind of issues, even if it is only the one of lack of prudence (which usually is accompanied by others). I’d seriously consider moving on.
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I have known more than one priest who said he dated and yet wondered at the same time. It isn’t unusual for a priest to say that it was his girlfriend who told him to get serious about discernment, because she saw that it suited him while he didn’t think he was worthy or fit for the call he was getting.

One priest said he even prayed, “Lord, if you want me to become a priest, you’re going to have to do something about this woman, because I wouldn’t want to marry any other.” Wouldn’t you know it, she went off and did something on her own!
 
It sounds to me like this man is at a difficult point in his life, had a profound spiritual experience, and as a result thereof feels like he should be a priest. This is not unusual; I’ve known of a lot of people who have “retreat high” or “convert high,” where they feel like God is calling them to the priesthood or religious life because they had this excellent retreat that left them feeling so spiritual, or because they’re converting and the excitement of it makes them want to just give their all.

It’s a laudable sentiment, but alas, just a sentiment–one does not find his vocation simply based on feelings, but on how the events of his life have come together and what it is evident God is showing him as a result. In this case, it cannot be ignored that he has a child who will be dependent upon him for at least the next several years. This alone would keep him from entering seminary for at least the foreseeable future. If he were a little older, and his child grown and independent, that would be a different story. But for the time being, it would be absolutely impossible. Some dioceses, for a variety of reasons, will not admit one who has been divorced.

I don’t know if you should break up with this guy or not; I can’t possibly have enough information based on what you’ve said here. There are some serious concerns, though, and it sounds like he needs to get his own house in order before moving forward. He might be well advised to speak with his priest, whether in the context of vocational discernment or not, to help him sort out what he’s thinking and feeling and experiencing spiritually.

Feel free to PM me if I might be of further help. You are both in my prayers.

-Fr ACEGC
 
@Dania23

He is divorced and annulled with a preteen from his previous marriage.
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Are you sure about the genuine legal annulled from the Catholic Church ?
Who is t to take care of the child assuming his ex?
http://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/__P3S.HTM

Can. 1046 Irregularities and impediments are multiplied if they arise from different causes. They are not multiplied, however, if they arise from the repetition of the same cause unless it is a question of the irregularity for voluntary homicide or for having procured a completed abortion.

Can. 1047 §1. Dispensation from all irregularities is reserved to the Apostolic See alone if the fact on which they are based has been brought to the judicial forum.

§2. Dispensation from the following irregularities and impediments to receive orders is also reserved to the Apostolic See:

1/ irregularities from the public delicts mentioned in ⇒ can. 1041, nn. 2 and 3;

2/ the irregularity from the delict mentioned in ⇒ can. 1041, n. 4, whether public or occult;

3/ the impediment mentioned in ⇒ can. 1042, n. 1.

§3. Dispensation in public cases from the irregularities from exercising an order received mentioned in ⇒ can. 1041, n. 3, and even in occult cases from the irregularities mentioned in ⇒ can. 1041, n. 4 is also reserved to the Apostolic See.
https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/...ily/marriage/catholic-marriage-and-annulments
 
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Not where your wrong, Just where your human. I think you’v taken the right/bold steps. Just pray for him.
 
Actually, he said she went to the convent, and then, as he put: “That was my sign. Of course, she didn’t stay, but that was my sign…”

Another said he attended Mass with his girlfriend and, taking note of his piety, she said something to him like: “You should think about the priest thing again.”
 
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Oh well I hope about your friend’s old gf, hopefully she found her place in the world (your friend too and that wherever they are, both are flourishing and doing well). It does seem like the world could also a few more good nuns as well. But it’s for the best people find the right niche than just meet an ideal that just looks nice and wonderful.
 
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I got flagged for it, but it was a risk worth taking. Only a sense of humour would get me through if I were in your shoes!
 
RCIAGraduate said:
Oh well I hope about your friend’s old gf, hopefully she found her place in the world (your friend too and that wherever they are, both are flourishing and doing well)
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She went on to have a family and he was a priest until he died at a very advanced age. I think she was happy and he reports that he was paid over many times.

I know another couple that both discerned for religious life, but left before ordination or profession. They married, and they were one of those “right hand” couples that every pastor needs. “Seek ye first…” really works!
 
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