Boyfriend is a Cafeteria Catholic

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Hi I just became of member of CAF. I really enjoy reading these forums. But I apologize if my thread is too long! :o

Anyway, here’s a little background information: I have only begun taking a deep interest in Christianity in the beginning of this year. I started going to a Pentecostal church back in January, lapsed from the faith for a while, then came back in June to become much more involved. During the time I lapsed, I started dating my boyfriend who has been baptized and confirmed in the Church but who hasn’t been practicing the faith. During the summer months of June & July, I had started to become a bit obsessive with my church as well as anti-Catholicism (my specific church was highly critical of other protestant faiths and definitely against Catholics). I was basing my prejudices off of biased, inaccurate information and since my boyfriend isn’t very knowledgeable of the Catholic faith, I unfortunately used that against him, and possibly confused him even further.

I have been able to discover the truth about the Church which is why I am now attending RCIA classes and eagerly waiting to become a Catholic. However, right now I am definitely not ready to be received into the Church because I am allowing myself to be torn between my faith and the “faith” of my cafeteria Catholic boyfriend. I have so badly been trying to convince him to truly surrender his heart to the Lord but he is very confused, somewhat prideful and highly doubtful about the Church (example: he is skeptical about the Vatican, he thinks they may have been lying to, or keeping secrets from, people throughout the years). My boyfriend and I are very close (closer than we should be as an unmarried couple i’ll admit) and I know that aside from our religious beliefs we could really make a marriage work (we have talked about things like marriage, kids, finances, etc). However as I mentioned, my faith is taking a hit from my spending time with him and I suppose my question is, along with praying, how can I convince my boyfriend to trust the Catholic Church and to stop being a cafeteria Catholic? Also, should I even be with him when his attitudes about the faith affect mine?
I appreciate any response I can get 🙂
God Bless
 
Why not invite him to attend RCIA with you? It can help him understand his own faith better.
 
Your relationship with God will be what stands with you before God when you die, not your boyfriend’s. Your relationship and response to God isn’t dependent upon someone else. If you have discovered the true faith, then it is up to you to respond to God’s grace and God’s call, as you have done.

You can’t inveigle your boyfriend to share your beliefs, only the Holy Spirit working within him can heal him of misconceptions and give him true faith. Gentle example and prayer is your responsiblity towards him, and as you say, you’re already praying for him… If you push him he may only harden his heart.

If you are gentle and kind in how you approach the problem, perhaps he will allow you to share the material and truths you learn in RCIA. If he is willing to go with you ‘for moral support’ that would be good, but he has to make his own mind up without pressure. If he refuses to accept a simple suggestion that he might kindly accompany you, then just share with him gently when you can do so respectfully.

If you have put pressure on him in the past perhaps a quiet, gently apology for being a little forceful or over-anxious, and explain that it’s only because you want you both to be close in every way. Not to be close spiritually is as you’ve noticed, a great loss and absence in a relationship, and a source of pain. None of us likes to be pressured, but we often respond to more subtle, respectful, and kind suggestions.

God bless you both. And much happiness to you both…Trishie:)
 
I suggest you back off with the words and witness by your behavior. Keep going to RCIA and gently invite him to come with you, but don’t push it. In fact, drop discussions of your faith from your conversation entirely. Only talk about it if he brings it up and then, never get into arguments about it. Be gentle and loving. It sounds to me like he has been influenced by things like the Da Vinci Code, which is a work of fiction entirely, and believes them to be true. Concentrate on getting yourself right and quit worrying about your boyfriend at this time. Sometimes when you push, people just automatically push back and become contrary in opposition to their own best interest.

**Pray for him! ** This is very important. Where you cannot convince, the Holy Spirit can convict. Use the intercession of St. Monica to help.

Welcome home and good journey. Expect some hardships along the way. This is one of them.

(btw, my dh was a lapsed Catholic when God called me. It took another 5 years to get him to come back and then it took a very traumatic experience for him to feel the need for God in his life. The more I talked about it, the further away he went, so I stopped and just prayed and let God do the work.)
 
(example: he is skeptical about the Vatican, he thinks they may have been lying to, or keeping secrets from, people throughout the years).

What secrets does he think the Vatican is keeping?
 
Thank you all for replying, your advice is very much appreciated 👍 . I’ll admit that I have been pushy at times which has obviously gotten me no where. But I will try to take a step back, be a better example, and let God do what he does best. I seriously should know better, but I am grateful for all of your encouragement.

Peace be with you & God bless 🙂
 
As you prepare to be received into the Church, you must decide that your relationship with God is more important than anyone and anything. If and when you marry, whether it’s to your current boyfriend or to someone else, you cannot compromise on the practice of your faith. You are committing to attend Sunday Mass and to accept and practice all that the Church teaches – no matter if your future spouse does.

I suggest that in addition to your RCIA sessions, you talk with a priest or spiritual advisor, to ask how you can best reinforce your continuing conversion in faith and how you can best deal with your boyfriend’s lukewarmness in faith.

I also suggest a couple of Christopher West’s books:

“Theology of the Body for Beginners”
“Good News About Sex and Marriage”
“Heaven Song: Sexual Love As It Was Meant to Be”

christopherwest.com/item.asp?CategoryID=8
 
bpbasilphx said:
(example: he is skeptical about the Vatican, he thinks they may have been lying to, or keeping secrets from, people throughout the years).

What secrets does he think the Vatican is keeping?
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Well, at first he has just been skeptical about anyone with any authority in regards to the faith. For example he does not fully trust the Vatican, historians, or bible scholars when they say the Bible is an accurate book. As much as he loves history, he refuses to trust it as accurate.
And, unfortunately, he has watched the Da Vinci Code which has only strengthened his suspicions about Jesus possibly having a wife.

Right now all I can do is pray to the Lord for him because regardless of what I tell him, he wont believe me anyway. But don’t get me wrong, I love him so much and I truly believe the Lord can soften his heart. I just need to make sure I keep myself in check and not cause him to reject the faith completely.

Oh, btw, he is going to the RCIA class with me tonight. Thank you InLight247, Trishie, Linda Marie, and quiet52 for your suggestions. 🙂
 
Jen,

<< My boyfriend and I are very close (closer than we should be as an unmarried couple i’ll admit) >>

If you truly want to put the love of the Lord first in your life, which is as it should be for all married couples, then you should ponder what you mentioned above.

For a marriage to be truly in the Lord, it is of utmost importance that you take seriously the moral teachings of the Church, which is the voice of Christ.

The Lord’s blessings and guidance for you both!
 
I remember my mother saying, “No man is worth it.” I can’t recall what she was referring to - but just keep that line in mind when it comes to your Catholic Faith - and your soul. No man is worth it. And Trishie said it well - You will stand alone before God. Your boyfriend can’t be part of your own soul’s Final Judgement.
Your chosen actions will be.
I understand - we’ve all been there - you care for him - and you want him to practice your Faith together. You can suggest, hope and pray. Don’t push anything. But the initiative you must take is the care of your own soul - first and foremost.
 
ConservativeOne said:
I remember my mother saying, “No man is worth it.” I can’t recall what she was referring to - but just keep that line in mind when it comes to your Catholic Faith - and your soul. No man is worth it. And Trishie said it well - You will stand alone before God. Your boyfriend can’t be part of your own soul’s Final Judgement.
Your chosen actions will be.
I understand - we’ve all been there - you care for him - and you want him to practice your Faith together. You can suggest, hope and pray. Don’t push anything. But the initiative you must take is the care of your own soul - first and foremost.
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Very well said!
 
This is what happened to me with my ex… she is a member of a heavily anti-Catholic Protestant cult (Calvary Chapel) and we debated on the Faith and whatnot and I always ended up winning. Unfortunately, she broke up with me based on theological and paternal reasons (both lame, btw)
 
jenlovesyu said:
However, right now I am definitely not ready to be received into the Church because I am allowing myself to be torn between my faith and the “faith” of my cafeteria Catholic boyfriend. I have so badly been trying to convince him to truly surrender his heart to the Lord but he is very confused, somewhat prideful and highly doubtful about the Church (example: he is skeptical about the Vatican, he thinks they may have been lying to, or keeping secrets from, people throughout the years). My boyfriend and I are very close (closer than we should be as an unmarried couple i’ll admit) and I know that aside from our religious beliefs we could really make a marriage work (we have talked about things like marriage, kids, finances, etc). However as I mentioned, my faith is taking a hit from my spending time with him and I suppose my question is, along with praying, how can I convince my boyfriend to trust the Catholic Church and to stop being a cafeteria Catholic? Also, should I even be with him when his attitudes about the faith affect mine?
I appreciate any response I can get 🙂
God Bless
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The human institution of the Church is just that - human, however we have Christ’s promise that the gates of hell will never prevail against Her. Bishop Fulton Sheen (who’s cause for canonization is in Rome) gave a story - he said that he was going to be receiving a friend, a doctor, into the RCC, and the doctor said that he was going on a trip to Rome first. Bp. Sheen asked him to go to Rome after he’d entered the Church, instead. The doctor refused and when he came back from Rome he asked the Bishop to bring him into the Church. The Bishop said, “You still want to enter the Church after visiting Rome?” The doctor said that it was because of his visit that he wanted to enter. He said," I figure that if the Church can still be standing after two thousand years of what I saw in Rome, then It must have the Holy Spirit’s protection!"
 
One important thing to keep in mind here, no one can make anyone have faith. Faith is a gift from God, that comes to use through grace.

Unless your boy friend is open to faith, he will not receive it, and you will be at odds in your relationship.

Draw a triangle on a piece of paper. At the top of the apex, write the name “God.” At the left bottom corner, write, “Boyfriend” or “Husband,” which ever may be the case. At the right bottom corner write 'Self," or “wife.” Now, put one finger on “self,” and at the same time put another finger on “boyfriend.” Simultaneously, as you slide both fingers up the triangle toward “God,” you’ll notice that the distance between “self” and “boyfriend,” will come closer together.

This is the same in life. If you both put God at the top of your relationship, as you both move closer to God, so will you move closer to each other.

However, if one of you moves closer to God, and the other does not, you will move further apart.

I have seen divorces after over 30 years of marriage, because of a couple not moving in faith at the same level.

So, if your boyfriend is not place God at the top of your relationship as you have, you will not grow together and will grow further apart, and marriage will make it even worse.

I’m not saying you should break up with your boy friend, but understand the reality of where your relationship will move, as you grow in faith, and he does not.

In all pray.

BTW, my wife and myself celebrate our 35 wedding anniversary next month. first dated when we were 14 years old.

Our faith has been the main reason why we’re closer today than we’ve even been. 🙂

Jim
 
JimR-OCDS said:
One important thing to keep in mind here, no one can make anyone have faith. Faith is a gift from God, that comes to use through grace.

Unless your boy friend is open to faith, he will not receive it, and you will be at odds in your relationship.

Draw a triangle on a piece of paper. At the top of the apex, write the name “God.” At the left bottom corner, write, “Boyfriend” or “Husband,” which ever may be the case. At the right bottom corner write 'Self," or “wife.” Now, put one finger on “self,” and at the same time put another finger on “boyfriend.” Simultaneously, as you slide both fingers up the triangle toward “God,” you’ll notice that the distance between “self” and “boyfriend,” will come closer together.

This is the same in life. If you both put God at the top of your relationship, as you both move closer to God, so will you move closer to each other.

However, if one of you moves closer to God, and the other does not, you will move further apart.

I have seen divorces after over 30 years of marriage, because of a couple not moving in faith at the same level.

So, if your boyfriend is not place God at the top of your relationship as you have, you will not grow together and will grow further apart, and marriage will make it even worse.

I’m not saying you should break up with your boy friend, but understand the reality of where your relationship will move, as you grow in faith, and he does not.

In all pray.

BTW, my wife and myself celebrate our 35 wedding anniversary next month. first dated when we were 14 years old.

Our faith has been the main reason why we’re closer today than we’ve even been. 🙂

Jim
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Good jerb, congratulations!
 
A loving, patient and charitable approach would be the best in this case. I think you should do your best to reasonably argue your position, but also be willing to respect his conscience where he has exercised it authentically, even if it is in dissent to a church teaching.
 
St. Rita’s husband was an abuser, a murderer and an adulterer.

Marriage reflects God’s relationship to humanity. One of the ways it does so is demonstrated in the Book of Hosea.
 
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