Boyfriend looking into priesthood

[KaraGordon]

I wasn’t sure if this went here or in vocations but here it is.

Months ago my boyfriend and I attended a LifeTeen mass at a friend’s church and he told me he thinks God wants him to be a priest. We did not discuss it at length but it has since been brought up, and he still feels that God has this plan for him and is very torn on the issue.

He doesn’t want to become a priest, but feels he has no choice, and that eventually he’ll begin to see the good in it and learn to enjoy it.

I think if he does this, he’ll be making the biggest mistake of his life and always mourn the loss of the family life he’s actually called to.

It’s very difficult for me to sit and wait to see whether or not this relationship is a time-bomb as he tries to figure out what it is he’s going to do.

I’m not Catholic and I don’t think I could just sit down and take losing him to religious practices I don’t even agree with.

How can I support him even if I think he’s making a huge mistake?

 

[ouioui]

If he doesn’t want to become one, why is he saying he thinks God wants him to be one? You could suggest going to see his Pastor and go from there. But one thing you should know is that if his true vocation is to become a priest, there is no stopping God’s will.

 

[1ke]

Each diocese has a vocations director. He should make an appointment to talk to the vocations director, who can help him in the discernment process. One does not have a vocation to the priesthood if one “does not want” to be a priest. There is something making him think that he wants to be a priest, and the vocations director can help him discern an authentic call from something else.

Also, if you “don’t agree with” Catholic religious practices, I encourage you to find and date a person who shares your faith. Regardless of the outcome of his priesthood discernment, it is unwise to date/contemplate marriage with someone who does not share your religious beliefs. If you don’t agree now, how are you ever going to function in a marriage in which the Catholic is obligated to raise children in the Catholic Church?

 

[Xantippe]

KaraGordon,

Cut him loose. Tell him to stop dating until he has decided whether or not he has a vocation. What he’s doing right now is like to trying carry on a phone conversation while simultaneously listening to an audiobook with earbuds.

It’s a disservice to you to have to stick around while he’s making up his mind. Treat it as if he were torn between you and some other girl. You wouldn’t keep dating him under those circumstances.

Turn him loose.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I’m not Catholic and I don’t think I could just sit down and take losing him to religious practices I don’t even agree with.

This probably isn’t going to be the last time that you don’t agree with his religious practices. Maybe you should think about that.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The biggest red flag here is that you dealing with someone who is dating you, while simultaneously telling you that he is going to explore a life path that would require him to quit seeing you.

That’s unfair to you, and your boyfriend sounds like he is playing games. And even if he isn’t, do you want to continue to be with someone that whimsical, who one week wants to be with you, the next wants to be a priest, and who knows what the third week will hold?

 

[JimG]

After attending a LifeTeen mass at a friend’s church, he thinks he is called to be a priest even though he doesn’t want to be a priest?!

I wouldn’t worry about it much. I doubt that he would be encouraged by any vocations director in the nation. Is he in college or about to start college? That’s the earliest that he could even be considered for a college seminary. And then he would have 8 years to think about what he wants to do before making a decision. He sounds rather too impulsive at this point.

 

[ClearWater]

I’m not Catholic and I don’t think I could just sit down and take losing him to religious practices I don’t even agree with?

That’s a red flag.

First of all, the entire priesthood issue aside, I can already see where you are in disagreement about your respective faiths, and you aren’t even married!

If you ever were to marry, if he’s serious enough about his faith, he’d be expected to marry in the Church. Marrying in the Church implies raising your children Catholic.

If he’s truly practicing his faith, you’d be expected to abstain from sex until you were married, not be any part of contraception, masturbation and anything else outside the faith.

If you were to marry, there might even come a future point he might ask you to use Natural Family Planning and not contraception. This is something the woman needs to do, to be aware of her cycle to avoid intimacy during fertile times.

Would this be a belief you would disagree with? If it is, it’d be good to iron that out now. You’d need to be “open to life”.

What would you plan with him be? He’d go to his Church on weekends and you go with yours? Then after children, he’d go to his church, with your children, and you’d go to yours? Do you see how this whole issue of religion would divide you?

As Catholics, we are discouraged from attending other denominations, except for say, a wedding, or funeral.

We Catholics don’t believe in a lot of things Protestants do. We don’t accept Martin Luther, or Sola Fide, Sola Scriptura, Sola Gracia, or any of the solas.

We may even pray an occasional rosary, have a religious statue, picture, holy water.

We believe it necessary to go to a priest for confession and the other sacraments.

We have a different Bible than Protestants, with 7 books more.

One last thing, would you be willing to go to Catholic marriage preparation, Precana?

We believe in obedience to the Church, pope, bishops, and Magisterium of the Church. We believe the Catholic Church is the only Church established by Jesus Christ.

 

[Stillsosola]

Turn him loose hes dealing with a religious vocation something that is very serious so you shouldnt be around him right now distracting him tell him that when he has things sorted out to get ahold of you then

 

[landon13]

He could be called by God and he needs to not worry about his own wants in life but he needs to look towards what God wants in his life.

God will guide him to where he needs to be in life. It is not up to you to persuade him to or not to do something because the call of God is stronger than anything anyone could say.

Let him pursue this possible vocation. This is not something for you to discourage. Would you want to be the reason someone said “no” to the call of God?

 

[Country_Gal]

KaraGordon,

Cut him loose. Tell him to stop dating until he has decided whether or not he has a vocation. What he’s doing right now is like to trying carry on a phone conversation while simultaneously listening to an audiobook with earbuds.

It’s a disservice to you to have to stick around while he’s making up his mind. Treat it as if he were torn between you and some other girl. You wouldn’t keep dating him under those circumstances.

Turn him loose.

Good advise, take it. He should be mature enough to do this himself, if he is considering something as monumental as becoming a Catholic priest.

 

[Country_Gal]

The biggest red flag here is that you dealing with someone who is dating you, while simultaneously telling you that he is going to explore a life path that would require him to quit seeing you.

That’s unfair to you, and your boyfriend sounds like he is playing games. And even if he isn’t, do you want to continue to be with someone that whimsical, who one week wants to be with you, the next wants to be a priest, and who knows what the third week will hold?

Well said!

 

[travissbeloved]

Each diocese has a vocations director. He should make an appointment to talk to the vocations director, who can help him in the discernment process. One does not have a vocation to the priesthood if one “does not want” to be a priest. There is something making him think that he wants to be a priest, and the vocations director can help him discern an authentic call from something else.

Also, if you “don’t agree with” Catholic religious practices, I encourage you to find and date a person who shares your faith. Regardless of the outcome of his priesthood discernment, it is unwise to date/contemplate marriage with someone who does not share your religious beliefs. If you don’t agree now, how are you ever going to function in a marriage in which the Catholic is obligated to raise children in the Catholic Church?

I have talked with a great many priests who said they cringed as they first walked into seminary because they did not want to be there and yet they heard the calling and now are the happiest they have ever been in their lives. So in saying that one does not have a calling to be a priest just because he doesn’t want it is quite false.

 

[tektonik]

I think if he does this, he’ll be making the biggest mistake of his life and always mourn the loss of the family life he’s actually called to.

So you’re calling him to family life, and God is calling him to the priesthood?

I’m not Catholic and I don’t think I could just sit down and take losing him to religious practices I don’t even agree with.

How can I support him even if I think he’s making a huge mistake?

So you’re right, and the God of the Universe is wrong. Oh, okay, makes perfect sense! He should definitely listen to you and you should take full responsibility before God the Father Almighty when you blocked His will from being fulfilled in your boyfriend. Good luck!

 

[edward_george]

To the folks who have responded, I would say be very careful about the tone of your posts. This is clearly a delicate situation, and talking to this young woman in any kind of harsh way is not likely to be conducive to actually helping her out.

To the OP, I would say that your boyfriend probably needs to sit down and talk to his pastor or maybe even the diocesan vocations director. That he is being open with you about this kind of thing is good, since if that’s a factor on the radar for him, it’s better for both of you if it’s discussed candidly. You say he went to one LifeTeen Mass and now feels called? It could be something that’s been there for a while and he just came to the realization of. It could be some passing thing. This is something he’ll need to work out in cooperation with a good solid priest who can aid his discernment. Be patient with him and support him in prayer as best you can, I know this is tough.

-ACEGC

 

[SerraSemper]

Turn him loose hes dealing with a religious vocation something that is very serious so you shouldnt be around him right now distracting him tell him that when he has things sorted out to get ahold of you then

Actually, it is the other way around. She should give this guy an ultimatum so that he doesn’t distract her from discerning the vocation of marriage.

OP: I am sorry you have been the receiving end of unkind words from some posters here who think that you are an “obstacle” to your boyfriend’s discernment. The vocation to marriage is discerned by two people together, and oftentimes guys will cop out and use the priesthood as an excuse for when they are no longer interested in the girl they’re dating. It is more palatable for a Catholic girl to hear she’s being dumped for the priesthood than it is to hear that he is simply not in to her.

Although you are not Catholic, I’d recommend this great blog post series about guys who play the vocations card seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/2011/03/will-you-be-my-vdp.html. The writer has some very good common sense “rules” about dating (like not dating too long without an engagement) that can be helpful too. I don’t agree with all of her pronouncements, but bye and large I like her ideas on dating and courtship.

If all the above makes no sense to you, let me try condense into this: You are worth being treated like a respected human being. Your boyfriend should demonstrate his appreciation for you by seriously taking the steps to discern the priesthood (i.e. talking to the vocations director) and either applying to the seminary or manning up and having a serious talk with you as to the direction your relationship will take. If I were in your shoes, I’d give him a deadline to get it out of his system so that you can move on in your courtship or move on without him. It is not fair to you to have someone toying with the idea of the priesthood and leaving that over your head.

 

[KaraGordon]

Each diocese has a vocations director. He should make an appointment to talk to the vocations director, who can help him in the discernment process. One does not have a vocation to the priesthood if one “does not want” to be a priest. There is something making him think that he wants to be a priest, and the vocations director can help him discern an authentic call from something else.

Also, if you “don’t agree with” Catholic religious practices, I encourage you to find and date a person who shares your faith. Regardless of the outcome of his priesthood discernment, it is unwise to date/contemplate marriage with someone who does not share your religious beliefs. If you don’t agree now, how are you ever going to function in a marriage in which the Catholic is obligated to raise children in the Catholic Church?

He’s looked well into talking to his priest and other trusted Catholic adults in his life. I’m trying to be as supportive of him figuring this out as I can, but have told him i don’t feel comfortable giving him any advice because of my twofold bias.

This probably isn’t going to be the last time that you don’t agree with his religious practices. Maybe you should think about that.

Yeah, I’m aware. We’re both very aware. If it gets to the point where our relationship looks any more serious, we’ll have an at-length discussion about things that are implied. Currently, we’ve discussed where we are now and have determined that we worship the same God, hold the same values, and God is very present in our relationship.

The only tough bridges to cross when we get to them would be if we marry.

Turn him loose hes dealing with a religious vocation something that is very serious so you shouldnt be around him right now distracting him tell him that when he has things sorted out to get ahold of you then

Oh thanks I didn’t know I was such a bad thing for him, I cannot possibly comprehend these practices. I will only get in the way like a child.

He could be called by God and he needs to not worry about his own wants in life but he needs to look towards what God wants in his life.

God will guide him to where he needs to be in life. It is not up to you to persuade him to or not to do something because the call of God is stronger than anything anyone could say.

Let him pursue this possible vocation. This is not something for you to discourage. Would you want to be the reason someone said “no” to the call of God?

I’m not discouraging him. I never outwardly tell him not to pursue the possibility because I know it isn’t my place.

So you’re calling him to family life, and God is calling him to the priesthood?

So you’re right, and the God of the Universe is wrong. Oh, okay, makes perfect sense! He should definitely listen to you and you should take full responsibility before God the Father Almighty when you blocked His will from being fulfilled in your boyfriend. Good luck!

You’re mean, please stop.

To the folks who have responded, I would say be very careful about the tone of your posts. This is clearly a delicate situation, and talking to this young woman in any kind of harsh way is not likely to be conducive to actually helping her out.

To the OP, I would say that your boyfriend probably needs to sit down and talk to his pastor or maybe even the diocesan vocations director. That he is being open with you about this kind of thing is good, since if that’s a factor on the radar for him, it’s better for both of you if it’s discussed candidly. You say he went to one LifeTeen Mass and now feels called? It could be something that’s been there for a while and he just came to the realization of. It could be some passing thing. This is something he’ll need to work out in cooperation with a good solid priest who can aid his discernment. Be patient with him and support him in prayer as best you can, I know this is tough.

-ACEGC

THANK YOU.

I wrote this original post in the middle of an anxiety attack and I apologize if any of this came out overly bitter or selfish.

I really want what’s best for him and will be willing to suck it up and go back to being close friends if it is what he really believes he’s called for.

I just genuinely think he’d be unhappy in the priesthood. He’d clearly make an amazing father and husband to someone someday and I don’t want him to have that regret in life. I know he’d regret it. He might be happy in some ways, but in other ways, he’d constantly be reminded of the life he didn’t choose.

 

[KaraGordon]

That’s a red flag.

First of all, the entire priesthood issue aside, I can already see where you are in disagreement about your respective faiths, and you aren’t even married!

If you ever were to marry, if he’s serious enough about his faith, he’d be expected to marry in the Church. Marrying in the Church implies raising your children Catholic.

If he’s truly practicing his faith, you’d be expected to abstain from sex until you were married, not be any part of contraception, masturbation and anything else outside the faith.

If you were to marry, there might even come a future point he might ask you to use Natural Family Planning and not contraception. This is something the woman needs to do, to be aware of her cycle to avoid intimacy during fertile times.

Would this be a belief you would disagree with? If it is, it’d be good to iron that out now. You’d need to be “open to life”.

What would you plan with him be? He’d go to his Church on weekends and you go with yours? Then after children, he’d go to his church, with your children, and you’d go to yours? Do you see how this whole issue of religion would divide you?

As Catholics, we are discouraged from attending other denominations, except for say, a wedding, or funeral.

We Catholics don’t believe in a lot of things Protestants do. We don’t accept Martin Luther, or Sola Fide, Sola Scriptura, Sola Gracia, or any of the solas.

We may even pray an occasional rosary, have a religious statue, picture, holy water.

We believe it necessary to go to a priest for confession and the other sacraments.

We have a different Bible than Protestants, with 7 books more.

One last thing, would you be willing to go to Catholic marriage preparation, Precana?

We believe in obedience to the Church, pope, bishops, and Magisterium of the Church. We believe the Catholic Church is the only Church established by Jesus Christ.

I understand those Catholic practices and am well-informed of the ones I’m going to need to understand more if I stay with him.

Also, the bolded. That’s uncalled for to “inform” me of because I’m called to be no less pure than he is. We’re called to abstain as well.

 

[Inquiringperson]

He’s looked well into talking to his priest and other trusted Catholic adults in his life. I’m trying to be as supportive of him figuring this out as I can, but have told him i don’t feel comfortable giving him any advice because of my twofold bias.

Yeah, I’m aware. We’re both very aware. If it gets to the point where our relationship looks any more serious, we’ll have an at-length discussion about things that are implied. Currently, we’ve discussed where we are now and have determined that we worship the same God, hold the same values, and God is very present in our relationship.

The only tough bridges to cross when we get to them would be if we marry.

Oh thanks I didn’t know I was such a bad thing for him, I cannot possibly comprehend these practices. I will only get in the way like a child.

I’m not discouraging him. I never outwardly tell him not to pursue the possibility because I know it isn’t my place.

You’re mean, please stop.

THANK YOU.

I wrote this original post in the middle of an anxiety attack and I apologize if any of this came out overly bitter or selfish.

I really want what’s best for him and will be willing to suck it up and go back to being close friends if it is what he really believes he’s called for.

I just genuinely think he’d be unhappy in the priesthood. He’d clearly make an amazing father and husband to someone someday and I don’t want him to have that regret in life. I know he’d regret it. He might be happy in some ways, but in other ways, he’d constantly be reminded of the life he didn’t choose.

Kara, I just want to make a point that a good priest would also make a good father and husband. Why? Because a good priest and a good husband both strive for holiness.

With that said, I think that your boyfriend should probably make a decision in accordance with his spiritual director or regular confessor (if he has one) if he should still continue dating you. And if he doesn’t have a spiritual director or regular confessor, he should get one. But I will warn you, if your boyfriend decides to actively discern the priesthood, sooner or later you two will have to stop dating.

Kara, you seem to be a nice girl, and I want you to have this piece of information: you and your boyfriend will be happy doing the will of God, and doing the will of God is not a mistake.

 

[Inquiringperson]

So you’re calling him to family life, and God is calling him to the priesthood?

So you’re right, and the God of the Universe is wrong. Oh, okay, makes perfect sense! He should definitely listen to you and you should take full responsibility before God the Father Almighty when you blocked His will from being fulfilled in your boyfriend. Good luck!

Please don’t presuppose that KaraGordon’s boyfriend is supposed to be a priest. Not everyone that has some desire to be a priest will become a priest. Why else do people discern out of seminary?