Boyfriend losing faith

[Sarah_Angel]

I’ve been looking all over the Internet for some kind of advice on this subject, so I figured it would be best to ask for it myself on a website that I’m fairly certain I can trust.

6 years ago, when I was in 8th grade in Catholic school, I met a boy who, to my surprise, connected with me in a way that I will never forget. We were in a conversation with a group of people, and pretty soon that group of people dwindled to just the two of us, and that conversation lasted for a very long time. He was in 7th grade, by the way.

3 years later, my Junior year and his sophomore year in Catholic high school, we became a couple. During those 3 years we had time to develop a close friendship, one that I had always hoped would turn into a romantic relationship.

Both of us were raised by devout Catholics and were taught the faith by our parents, our churches, and our school. However, it seemed like the “personal relationship with Jesus” bit stuck to me a lot more than it stuck to him.

He started college this year and moved into a Christian home for men (made mostly of Calvinists, although there were 2 other Catholics living in the house as well). He started out going to Mass weekly, but I guess without his parents forcing him to get in the car and go to Mass, he started getting lazy and stopped going, but that’s fast-forwarding a bit.

He’d always had a hard time remembering to call me every once in a while, or to return my calls; sometimes it was near-impossible to get a hold of him. In October, I really started getting fed up with him not calling me; I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I went on a retreat one weekend, and the base of the retreat was learning about the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives. I was inspired to believe that he wasn’t dedicated to me because he wasn’t dedicated to praying to God at least near-daily. I called him up when I got home from the retreat and asked him if he thought that was the case, and he said that he admitted to “neglecting his duties” to God and that he would start praying again.

I don’t think that lasted for very long, because sometime in the next semester he stopped going to Mass (unless he was back home with his family for a weekend). I noticed that his calling habits were picking up again and once again I was frustrated with him.

Finally in March, his Christian house had Rush Week, and during Rush Week they underwent some spiritual tasks and had testimonies and such. That was when he realized that he needed to work on his faith and spiritual life, along with his relationship with me. He admitted to neglecting me and ignoring my calls, as well as forgetting them, and since then has promised not to ignore anymore calls or emails.

The problem is that he doesn’t know how to start a relationship with God. I really feel like this is a bit of a neglected subject when people are being taught Catholicism. He has an appreciation for the customs of the Church but never grasped the importance of having a personal relationship with his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He’d heard about having a relationship before and heard that it was a good thing, but he said that he would try praying to God, not feel anything, and then give up.

This is affecting my relationship with him, of course. As a devout Catholic, it simply wouldn’t be wise to marry a man who was weak in his faith. I pray for him as often as I remember. He is my best friend in the whole world and I love him so much, and I will sacrifice as much as I need in order for him to not only be happy, but to know God’s profound love for him that is more than a million times greater than mine. However, in a romantic relationship, that probably should be reciprocated, and how is he supposed to love me with that same or greater intensity if he doesn’t know the love of Christ?

He doesn’t claim to love me like he should, and is thinking about ending the romantic aspect of the relationship. I know it sounds like such a girl thing to do to want to hold onto that, but anytime I’ve fallen into any kind of deep prayer about it, it kind of feels like a “duh” moment every time I think about how we’re supposed to be with each other.

I pray, I pray, and I pray. But there are times when we need to talk about this sort of thing so that we both know that we’re not undermining or forgetting about the importance of this subject. How should I go about approaching him? And how do I let him know to never be discouraged by a lack of whatever he expects to happen when he prays? How can I tell him to be persistent in his calling out to Jesus?

I’ll pray for the Lord to guide me, but I want to see if anyone has any advice on the matter.

Thank you so much.

 

[EmBee]

I pray, I pray, and I pray. But **there are times when we need to talk **about this sort of thing so that we both know that we’re not undermining or forgetting about the importance of this subject. How should I go about approaching him? And **how do I let him know to never be discouraged **by a lack of whatever he expects to happen when he prays? How **can I tell him to be persistent **in his calling out to Jesus?

Sarah,

Some advice from my limited experience with men:

1. Do you both agree that “there are times when we need to talk” or do you think you and he need to talk (or, worse, that you need to talk to him)?
2. Honestly, don’t approach him. He knows your feelings on the subject. You’ve obviously talked about it a lot. You’ve told him to start calling you back, think to call you, pray more and develop a closer relationship with God. I’m sure your intentions are good, but this kind of behavior drives my husband crazy. You are essentially telling him what to do. You have great intentions (don’t we [women] always ), and it may not seem like you’re instructing him when you’re in the moment of explanation, but he may feel as though you are. I know you and your boyfriend are not married, but I think this is helpful advice for all women in serious relationships:

Likewise, you wives should be subordinate to your husbands so that, even if some disobey the word, they may be won over without a word by their wives’ conduct when they observe your reverent and chaste behavior. Your adornment should not be an external one: braiding the hair, wearing gold jewelry, or dressing in fine clothes, but rather the hidden character of the heart, expressed in the imperishable beauty of a gentle and calm disposition, which is precious in the sight of God (1 Peter 3:1-4).

1. Sound like he has been and will continue to be discouraged. Every person responds differently to God’s call. Continue praying for him, respond if he asks you for help, try not to instruct him too much. It may be helpful to refer him to a Men’s Ministry at a nearby parish, or another strong male role model.
2. Again, less is more. Support him, be there for him, expect nothing in return.

This guy may not marry you. That’s an awful thing to write because you obviously care about him a lot. My advice is to take a step back and start listening more and ‘helping’ less. Assisting our bretheren in their walk with our Lord is our duty, but, sometimes men like to figure things out on their own. My husband, for example, responds more positively if I encourage him than if I tell him how to do something. Perhaps your boyfriend is the same way?

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do,

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[Sarah_Angel]

1. Do you both agree that “there are times when we need to talk” or do you think you and he need to talk (or, worse, that you need to talk to him)?

It’s a mixture of all of it, I must say, except for maybe the last one. I don’t ever want to be the one to do all the talking, lol.

1. Honestly, don’t approach him. He knows your feelings on the subject. You’ve obviously talked about it a lot. You’ve told him to start calling you back, think to call you, pray more and develop a closer relationship with God. I’m sure your intentions are good, but this kind of behavior drives my husband crazy. You are essentially telling him what to do. You have great intentions (don’t we [women] always ), and it may not seem like you’re instructing him when you’re in the moment of explanation, but he may feel as though you are. I know you and your boyfriend are not married, but I think this is helpful advice for all women in serious relationships:
2. Again, less is more. Support him, be there for him, expect nothing in return.

I started to get the feeling at some point that I should stop trying to explain to him the importance of a relationship with God (that feeling was probably inspired by the Holy Spirit, lol). I also knew that the way I was ever going to explain it wouldn’t make as much sense to him since I actually came from a more ‘charismatic’ background than he did. I know it took me a long time to really understand the importance of having a personal relationship with Jesus, but I kept up with it because I was continually being challenged in that area, whereas if I had only heard about the importance of a relationship about three times a year in a homily, it’d be less likely that my relationship with Him would even exist.

1. Sound like he has been and will continue to be discouraged. Every person responds differently to God’s call. Continue praying for him, respond if he asks you for help, try not to instruct him too much. It may be helpful to refer him to a Men’s Ministry at a nearby parish, or another strong male role model.

Thank you for pointing this out. I’d never thought of it this way before. Except I know that a male role model would be a good idea, it’s just that I don’t know if he would follow through with meeting with him. I will try it, though. When the time is right.

This guy may not marry you. That’s an awful thing to write because you obviously care about him a lot.

I know that he might not marry me. It didn’t dawn on me until March when he confessed that he was losing his faith, and even after that it took me a while to accept this fact, but I know that God at least has some plan for us in our lives, even if that plan isn’t for us to be married to one another.

My advice is to take a step back and start listening more and ‘helping’ less. Assisting our bretheren in their walk with our Lord is our duty, but, sometimes men like to figure things out on their own. My husband, for example, responds more positively if I encourage him than if I tell him how to do something. Perhaps your boyfriend is the same way?

Ha ha, oh probably.

The thing is that, maybe more what I was asking is how do I encourage him? I know it seems silly to ask because I know of some ways that I could do it, but I know that I shouldn’t approach him and be like, “You haven’t been to confession in a while so you should go.” But do you think that asking questions is appropriate? Because I want to actually know what’s going on in terms of his prayer life so that I can better help if/when he asks for it and better know what exactly to pray for. Plus I think maybe letting him talk his way through his experiences will help him better understand what’s going on as well.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do,

–

And thank you very, very much for responding. Your answer made so much sense to me.

 

[EmBee]

The thing is that, maybe more what I was asking is how do I encourage him? I know it seems silly to ask because I know of some ways that I could do it, but I know that I shouldn’t approach him and be like, “You haven’t been to confession in a while so you should go.” But do you think that asking questions is appropriate? Because I want to actually know what’s going on in terms of his prayer life so that I can better help if/when he asks for it and better know what exactly to pray for. Plus** I think maybe letting him talk his way through his experiences will help him **better understand what’s going on as well.

No. If he wants your advice, he will ask for it. I’m sure he knows that you have a strong faith and are there to answer any questions he may have, however, he should not feel accountable to you. It may be helpful for your personal relationship with your boyfriend if you put on your “girlfriend” hat a little more often than your “spiritual director” hat.

I think it will too, but the thing is by “letting him talk” you have to also let him choose when to talk. I love to talk, I find it very cathartic and could do it all day long! My husband likes to talk, too, but not about things he struggles with. It makes him feel hopeless if he knows something isn’t right, but he can’t fix it - so he doesn’t want to talk about it. I let him come to me (usually indirectly) on his own terms and I listen to him instead of giving him advice. If he wants my advice or for me to make a decision, he will ask for it.

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[EmBee]

Oh, and my advice for how to encourage him is for you to just be his girlfriend! Smile at him, be happy to see him, laugh at his jokes, thank him for opening the door for you, tell him you’re proud of him, praise his accomplishments … in other words, make him feel like a man! You can give him confidence simply by showing him respect. I think men who are confident in one area of their life (their ability to have a strong relationship with a woman, for example) will be better able to transfer that confidence into other areas.

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