Boyfriend not excited about his faith enough?

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I feel awful saying that.

This isn’t the first time I’ve posted about my boyfriend. Here’s a quick background: We’re both in the early years of college. He’s a great guy. Really wants the best for other people.

He reads the Bible, goes to Mass etc…so no immediate redflags there.

But he’s just not excited about his faith. I feel like the entire time we’ve dated, he hasn’t necessarily moved forward. I feel like I love the CCC and he’s hardely ever touched it. I love seeking out new knowledge about the history of the CC and other topics, but he needs someone to almost push him into learning more.

He’s content where he is.

Lately I’ve been thinking about what I want in a future spouse and potential father of my children?

Do I really want someone who isn’t excited and passionate about his faith? Do I really want someone who is content where he is with no real desire to move forward?

But is it crazy of me to consider breaking up with my boyfriend of going on 2 years for this reason? He’s such a gentleman in so many other ways. Am I just being ridiculous not accepting all the areas he truly is gifted and wonderful in?

I know it’s hard for anyone to give truly good advice just based on this. But overall, I guess I’m just wondering if I’m weighing this issue too seriously and just jumping to quick conclusions.

Ultimately, I need to pray and listen to God.
 
Here’s the thing: there’s no “right” or “wrong” here, it’s your decision and any decision you ultimately make is right.

All we can do is share our opinion, and again, I want to emphasize that the “right” decision is whatever you want - it’s your life, and your choice.

You say:
  1. He reads the Bible.
  2. He goes to Mass.
  3. He’s “such a gentleman.”
So he’s already ahead of like, what, more than 99% of men, right?

So here is my opinion.

In my opinion, it sounds like you have an excellent man, that doesn’t happen to share your passion for evangelizing/Church research/etc. However, he is a faithful Catholic and a good man according to your description. In my opinion, breaking off a 2+ year relationship for this reason, as described, seems… wacky.

I’m not at all trying to get you to “settle,” but at the same time, recognize that no man is “perfect” either and this issue you have with him seems very petty, and I really doubt you will find someone better for you…

Maybe you can tell us more, because right now, it’s not making sense to me. What do you mean by “moving forward”?

Why is excitement a major issue for you? I’m not saying that in a condescending way, as if to imply that it shouldn’t be an issue, I’m just wondering if you can explain it more… why is it important to you, examples, etc.?

You don’t say much more about him other than the 3 points I listed above. Do you two “mesh” in other ways - do you share other hobbies, interests? Do your personalities work together? Do you truly love him?
 
No you are not crazy.

Dating is a discernment process. You are discerning your future spouse. You have correctly discerned what is important to you and what is not important to him. This certainly might be a dealbreaker.

Unequally yoked doesn’t mean just unbelievers, just read on these boards for a while about all the spouses who are lonely in their marriage because their spouse goes to Mass and that is it, or their spouse has become resentful of their own spirituality and desire to serve in the Church (you are never home, you pray too much, etc). This is a very real concern.
 
The key is whether you are excited about being with him. I am not sure ‘excited’ is the best word, but your feelings towards him are what is important.

Objectively, he may be the greatest guy in the world. But if you don’t have strong feelings for him now, how will you feel when marriage gets tough?
 
Some of the faithful live life in fear of God while others act out for love of God. It’s also possible your perception my be clouded by the zeal of a recent conversion. What do those closest to, and that love you have to say about this?

He sounds like a really swell person to me----> Happy Thanksgiving.
 
ballet_dancer said:
I feel awful saying that.

This isn’t the first time I’ve posted about my boyfriend. Here’s a quick background: We’re both in the early years of college. He’s a great guy. Really wants the best for other people.

He reads the Bible, goes to Mass etc…so no immediate redflags there.

But he’s just not excited about his faith. I feel like the entire time we’ve dated, he hasn’t necessarily moved forward. I feel like I love the CCC and he’s hardely ever touched it. I love seeking out new knowledge about the history of the CC and other topics, but he needs someone to almost push him into learning more.

He’s content where he is.

Lately I’ve been thinking about what I want in a future spouse and potential father of my children?

Do I really want someone who isn’t excited and passionate about his faith? Do I really want someone who is content where he is with no real desire to move forward?

But is it crazy of me to consider breaking up with my boyfriend of going on 2 years for this reason? He’s such a gentleman in so many other ways. Am I just being ridiculous not accepting all the areas he truly is gifted and wonderful in?

I know it’s hard for anyone to give truly good advice just based on this. But overall, I guess I’m just wondering if I’m weighing this issue too seriously and just jumping to quick conclusions.

Ultimately, I need to pray and listen to God.
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Is he a cradle Catholic and you a convert?

Is he more introverted while you are extroverted?

Is he a private type of person while you are much more open and share everything with the world?

Is he the “salt of the earth” type of person who doesn’t broadcast his feelings or beliefs but lives them out in his choices and actions?

If you are a convert, this kind of zeal will mellow over time. You may always be more deeply drawn to the CCC and other Church teachings, while he lives his faith out in other ways.

Does he believe in ALL the tenets of our Church, and does he live them out in his life? Does he just go through the motions? Not only in YOUR eyes, for you are not always objective, but in others’ eyes? How is his family in terms of worship, coherence, adherence?

Also bear in mind that people frequently experience a deepening of their faith when they have children of their own and want to pass the faith on to those children.

A lot to consider. You aren’t marrying your twin, and two very zealous people might also burn out faster. Have you talked to your parents about him? And your priest? Is marriage being discussed?
 
You’ve got some great advice above.

Also, my perception is that another similar factor may be involved in addition to those listed by Juliane and others: women tend to be more into socialising, keeping it touch, chit-chatting etc. while men are a bit more “strong and silent” in this regard. This is somewhat comparable to how both sexes organise their respective social lives. A man does simply not go from one group meeting/lecture/event to the next (although men do belong do ministries, worship/study/sharing groups etc.) unless he has some duties like organising or watching over all of them.

As for enthusiasm, while it’s good to be equally yoked, you must realise that everybody can have a dark night of soul or suffer some burnout. There is no guarantee that it won’t happen to someone who’s energised, cheerful and so on right now.
 
Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate all the different angles.

I’ll try to provide a little more background to the situation and respond to some of the things brought up:

I am not a convert (though I was baptized as an infant) but was not raised in a Catholic home. He is a cradle Catholic.

I think a big issue for me right now is that I do not feel that I am moving forward in my faith with him. He does not encourage learning more about the Church, loving the Sacraments, the beauty of Mass, going to Eucharistic Adoration etc…he certainly does not discourage these…but he instead maintains a more neutral attitude or just doesn’t have any response at all. It gets very lonely. I feel like I turn to close friends from Church to support my spiritually but not to him.

He does not disbelieve in tenets of the Church, but he does not seem to necessarily believe in them either. Does that make sense?

As for family/friends that know us…

My family is not all Christian so they tend to value things a little differently…but my close friends are able to recognize this issue. Even months ago, mutual close friends of my boyfriend would make comments how I seemed to have faith as the center of my life and my boyfriend just sort of “riding the raft down the river”. My close friends who are not close friends with him told me they definitely see the difference between the two of us and that it’s an issue that I’ll have to decide how important it is to me.

I wrote this rather quickly because today is Thanksgiving so I hope everything made sense. Thanks again and happy Thanksgiving.
 
Ultimately when you’re dating, like 1ke had mentioned, you’re discerning two separate things.
First, you’re discerning a relationship that potentially could lead to marriage. Intentions are a major part of dating, and if you’re in a relationship, one could ask oneself, “Where do I see this relationship going?” or “What are my intentions, what are the other persons intentions?” etc. Second, you’re discerning the person. Is this the person that God is calling me to date, and/or pursue? Is this the person that is my “soulmate” that God has prepared to be my spouse?

Once you’ve thought/prayed/pondered those questions, you can move on to some more basic questions about the person that can help you discern what exactly to do. Questions such as:
  • Would this person make a good father/mother?
  • Would I be fine with this person raising my children?
  • Does this person care about my soul?
  • Is this the person that I believe can help me get to Heaven?
Now keep in mind, these are some pretty unorthodox questions to ask yourself in relativity to society, but if you’re looking for a faith-filled relationship, discerning what to do through these questions can help you in the process.

Best of luck & God Bless,

-CMC
 
ballet_dancer said:
Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate all the different angles.

I’ll try to provide a little more background to the situation and respond to some of the things brought up:

I am not a convert (though I was baptized as an infant) but was not raised in a Catholic home. He is a cradle Catholic.

I think a big issue for me right now is that I do not feel that I am moving forward in my faith with him. He does not encourage learning more about the Church, loving the Sacraments, the beauty of Mass, going to Eucharistic Adoration etc…he certainly does not discourage these…but he instead maintains a more neutral attitude or just doesn’t have any response at all. It gets very lonely. I feel like I turn to close friends from Church to support my spiritually but not to him.

He does not disbelieve in tenets of the Church, but he does not seem to necessarily believe in them either. Does that make sense?

As for family/friends that know us…

My family is not all Christian so they tend to value things a little differently…but my close friends are able to recognize this issue. Even months ago, mutual close friends of my boyfriend would make comments how I seemed to have faith as the center of my life and my boyfriend just sort of “riding the raft down the river”. My close friends who are not close friends with him told me they definitely see the difference between the two of us and that it’s an issue that I’ll have to decide how important it is to me.

I wrote this rather quickly because today is Thanksgiving so I hope everything made sense. Thanks again and happy Thanksgiving.
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Again, you and your friends are judging from the outside. He could be a very devout person with a rich prayer life but be very private about it. Granted, it’s probably just that he is “coasting,” not really at a point in time where he feels a need to deepen his faith or explore these same issues. Has he ever had a need to reach out to God? Sometimes people who have lived a somewhat charmed life, can take God for granted, as if He is on a shelf and only to be thought about for one hour in Mass every week, no more.

You go to Mass together, right? Talk about the homily, the readings? Ever pray a rosary with him?

Ultimately, if these issues really are central to you then you need to discuss this with him. Don’t just walk away if he is a good young man who loves you and wants to marry you. I think you owe him the discussion; in fact, more than one discussion.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Again, you and your friends are judging from the outside. He could be a very devout person with a rich prayer life but be very private about it. Granted, it’s probably just that he is “coasting,” not really at a point in time where he feels a need to deepen his faith or explore these same issues. Has he ever had a need to reach out to God? Sometimes people who have lived a somewhat charmed life, can take God for granted, as if He is on a shelf and only to be thought about for one hour in Mass every week, no more.

You go to Mass together, right? Talk about the homily, the readings? Ever pray a rosary with him?

Ultimately, if these issues really are central to you then you need to discuss this with him. Don’t just walk away if he is a good young man who loves you and wants to marry you. I think you owe him the discussion; in fact, more than one discussion.
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I think this is good advice. Discerning marriage in a perfect world, your potential spouse would be spiritually equal with you. But in real life there will always be ups and downs, in faith and spirituality as well as your moods, health, etc. It sounds as though he is on a different spiritual level than you. But that does not necessarily mean he would not be a good husband and father. I think you should examine the core of his beliefs and how he lives his life. Over time it should be obvious how his beliefs drive how he lives his life. That is proof of the strength of one’s faith and morality. He should also be open to you continuing to grow in faith and spirituality. That does not mean he says every rosary with you or attends every Adoration. But he should not be opposed to your decisions to do those things. Ultimately I think you must decide in your heart if you are able to marry someone who may never reach your level of spirituality. If other areas of your relationship are compatible it may be that you can both still help each other get to heaven without being equal in this area. 🙂
 
People practice their faith in different ways. I tend to read and learn more about my faith than my wife does. But I don’t consider myself any better spiritually. If anything, I think she lives her faith better than I do.

That said, my wife does respect me as the spiritual leader of the family. I have heard that many wives want their husbands to be the spiritual head of the home. I’m not sure if this is something you want from your future husband. Maybe this is important for some wives, but not so important for others. Part of your discernment may be whether your boyfriend can be the spiritual head of your family, if that is important to you.

If your boyfriend practices his spirituality differently than you, maybe you can try to connect with him more on his level? For instance, maybe he is not much for learning about the faith, but he likes to do service work. If so, you could work together in a soup kitchen or in some other corporal works of mercy.
 
Will he:
  1. Go on a pilgrimage with you (Fatima, Holy Land, etc?)
  2. Attend Mass with you
  3. Raise children Catholic
  4. Support you to engage in works of Charity
  5. Engage in works of Charity with you (whatever you both decide, could be tithing, could be doing 3rd world country work, could be retreats, donating food/clothes, K of C, whatever)
If the answers are yes, then I don’t see a problem here. Remember, the excitement is Yours God gave You to spread the Excitement of your faith with the World. If this is your future husband his job is to Support your Excitement and if he is providing an abuse-free environment in order for you to go out and spread your Excitement, so be it.

Lily
ballet_dancer said:
I feel awful saying that.

This isn’t the first time I’ve posted about my boyfriend. Here’s a quick background: We’re both in the early years of college. He’s a great guy. Really wants the best for other people.

He reads the Bible, goes to Mass etc…so no immediate redflags there.

But he’s just not excited about his faith. I feel like the entire time we’ve dated, he hasn’t necessarily moved forward. I feel like I love the CCC and he’s hardely ever touched it. I love seeking out new knowledge about the history of the CC and other topics, but he needs someone to almost push him into learning more.

He’s content where he is.

Lately I’ve been thinking about what I want in a future spouse and potential father of my children?

Do I really want someone who isn’t excited and passionate about his faith? Do I really want someone who is content where he is with no real desire to move forward?

But is it crazy of me to consider breaking up with my boyfriend of going on 2 years for this reason? He’s such a gentleman in so many other ways. Am I just being ridiculous not accepting all the areas he truly is gifted and wonderful in?

I know it’s hard for anyone to give truly good advice just based on this. But overall, I guess I’m just wondering if I’m weighing this issue too seriously and just jumping to quick conclusions.

Ultimately, I need to pray and listen to God.
Click to expand...
 
ballet_dancer said:
I feel awful saying that.

This isn’t the first time I’ve posted about my boyfriend. Here’s a quick background: We’re both in the early years of college. He’s a great guy. Really wants the best for other people.

He reads the Bible, goes to Mass etc…so no immediate redflags there.

But he’s just not excited about his faith. I feel like the entire time we’ve dated, he hasn’t necessarily moved forward. I feel like I love the CCC and he’s hardely ever touched it. I love seeking out new knowledge about the history of the CC and other topics, but he needs someone to almost push him into learning more.

He’s content where he is.

Lately I’ve been thinking about what I want in a future spouse and potential father of my children?

Do I really want someone who isn’t excited and passionate about his faith? Do I really want someone who is content where he is with no real desire to move forward?

But is it crazy of me to consider breaking up with my boyfriend of going on 2 years for this reason? He’s such a gentleman in so many other ways. Am I just being ridiculous not accepting all the areas he truly is gifted and wonderful in?

I know it’s hard for anyone to give truly good advice just based on this. But overall, I guess I’m just wondering if I’m weighing this issue too seriously and just jumping to quick conclusions.

Ultimately, I need to pray and listen to God.
Click to expand...
My take on this is that different people express their faith differently. Maybe your boyfriend expresses his faith through good works, while other people read the CCC. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with either.

And just for reference, when I was dating some Catholic girls, I’ve felt that their faiths are deeper than mine. They’re always talking about it, reading about it, decorating about it,etc. So make sure that you don’t give him that impression here. That said, I really appreciated the fact that they made me want to be a better person. So, I’d say just concentrate on being a good example, and hopefully good things will follow from that.

Anyway, just my $0.02.
 
Thanks again everyone for the replies. This is obviously a difficult decision and I appreciate the various responses.

I feel called to marriage, but lately through prayer I think I have come to feel that I am not called to marriage with him. I just feel like God is telling me to trust Him, trust that this relationship had a purpose…that it wasn’t in vain…but that His plan for me is different than where I am now. I feel like God’s calling me to take some time not pursuing a relationship and that He will guide me according to His will and introduce me to the man intended to be my spouse when the time is right…and shoud the man I am dating now be my future spouse, that everything will come together when the time is right. I just am worried that I am hearing my own message, instead of God’s.

I think overall I feel that I am not moving forward spiritually or as an individual with him. As I grow as an individual, I find myself pulling more and more away from him. Not because I like independence and being my own person, but because I feel like he is a weight I must pull. I feel awful saying that!!

Someone mentioned about the man being the spiritual head of the household. That is what I envision as an important quality in my future spouse and I do not feel that is something that has occured at any point over our time dating. I feel that I have consistently lead the relationship spiritually. I understand there will be times when I likely will be leading my future family spiritually for one reason or another…but I feel it needs to start on a dating level as at least a joint effort.

My boyfriend and I always said when you’re in a dating relationship, you should look to your boyfriend/girlfriend as a potential spouse. We both always agreed that you should not be dating someone if did not consider them to be a potential spouse. Maybe 6 months ago I posed the question about how we would know to cut it off. I said that the moment you have discerned that you no longer could see yourself marrying that individual, that that moment is the time to start discerning what will likely be the end of the relationship.

I have my own fears about the possibility of ending this relationship. Is it really the right thing to do? Am I hearing God or just myself? Is this really such a big issue? Is our disconnection in faith important enough to break things off? There’s just so many issues racing through my mind.

But in the end I think about the qualities I desire in a future spouse. I desire to marry someone who sees the beauty in attending Mass more than just on Sunday, sees the beauty in the Sacraments, sees the beauty in gifts such as the Rosary, Litergy of the Hours, etc…it doesn’t mean that I desire to marry someone who practices all of these. But I look back at what I wrote in an earlier post in this thread…"*he certainly does not discourage these…but he instead maintains a more neutral attitude or just doesn’t have any response at all. *…and realize that I need to marry someone who sees the beauty and can support me spiritually instead of just not responding at all.

Then I ask myself…am I just being too picky? Am I looking over his great qualities and trying to find a fairy tale husband? But I don’t think so…this is the future of myself, my future husband, and our kids and it’s my duty as a daughter of Christ to try to give each of those individuals what they desire.

Yikes.

Big decision coming up. I just hope that I am hearing God’s will instead of just my own. Please pray for me and my boyfriend. If anyone has an additional thoughts I would appreciate those greatly. Thanks again.
 
Any level of self-reflection and discernment is a benefit, and it sounds that you are coming to the realization of saying “yes, these are things that are important in my life and I want someone who is as enthusiastic as I am.”

If that is your decision and a dealbreaker for you, then you need to be honest with yourself and with your boyfriend.

As a male, I will say that there CAN BE differences about how men and women express their faith. This can be the result of socialization and personal differences. Also, my mother used to say “if two people agree on everything and anything in the same way, then one of them is not necessary.” Perhaps the differences you perceive are actually complementary.

I know, that’s probably not what you needed to hear – another point of view 🤷

As far as ending the relationship. It is amazing how easily us humans can become comfortable in our social situations. You have probably met his friends, he has met yours, perhaps parents have met, talked about him at work and vice versa. The “world” in which you live now see you two as a couple and you see each other as a couple. In short, you’ve gotten use to each other.

That can be hard to break that perception among others. UNfortunately, many people choose to go with the “flow” rather than being authentic.

Good luck with your choices. Remember, God will be with you.
 
You are a bright, mature young woman who will make a great wife and mother. I had the feeling reading your original post that whatever it is that bonds a man and woman in marriage just wasn’t there. For whatever it is worth, I think you are making the right decision.

Not only is this a good decision for you, but for your boyfriend also even if he doesn’t realize it. He will get over this and find that special someone who is right for him also.

All the best
 
Thank you.

I’m going to make this decision, then place the rest in God’s hands.
 
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