Boyfriend not excited about his faith enough?

[Groo]

I really feel for you. It must be tough to let someone go who has been a part of your life for so long.

Overall, he does seem like a decent guy, but extremely passive - not just in spirituality. I imagine you must feel like his mother sometimes. Hard to have romantic love for a man like that.

Several of his traits are alarming to me. But most alarming of all is his tendency to agree with everything you say. I don’t know anyone who I agree with 100% of the time; certainly no one agrees with me 100% of the time. At best he is indifferent; at worst dishonest. If it’s the latter…yikes…there could be a whole other side of him that you haven’t seen yet.

And if these traits irritate you now, imagine how many more bothersome traits you would discover in marriage. He’s on his best behavior now and isn’t under the pressures of marriage and providing for a family. That pressure can make a man show his true colors.

It’s true that good Catholic guys are not in abundance, but they’re not that rare. You’re young; you’ll find someone else. So will he. If the Holy Spirit is nudging you in a certain direction, take a leap of faith and trust that He will take care of you.

The scriptures tell us over and over not to be afraid. Please don’t be afraid like I was for nearly 40 years of my life. Most of what I was afraid of didn’t happen. And what did happen wasn’t nearly as bad as I made it out to be in my mind.

 

[OraLabora]

A little joke that I think contains a kernel of truth.

Man telling his friend about his new girlfriend: “She’s great. She has her flaws like everyone else but I think I can live with them…”

Woman telling her friend about her new boyfriend: “He’s great. He has his flaws like everyone else, but I think I can change him”.

In truth men try to change their wives as well, or at least become bitter about their flaws too.

Eventually when we’re around, oh, 50 or so, we realize our spouse isn’t going to change any time soon.

When my wife and I made that realization and started to accept each other as we were… well what can I say, the last 3 years or so have been like one continuous honeymoon

 

[coachdennis]

I definitely think though that if you’ve come up with all these reasons why you are not fond of your boyfriend, you should break up now and let him move on with his life.

We’ve gone from disparity of faith levels to talking with with his mouth full and his lack of social skills.

I am going to be blunt:

For your sake and HIS sake, end the relationship.

 

[Catholic_Wife]

I have to admit that what I would have advised at the beginning of this thread is completely different than what I would advise now. I agree with Coach,

For your sake and HIS sake, end the relationship.

I would also suggest that you sit down and make a list of everything you want in a husband, from how tall he is, what color hair he has, how he dresses to what he does for a living, how he lives his faith to how he manages money, how he eats, what his hobbies are, if he smokes/drinks/does drugs, etc. Write down EVERYTHING, being as specific as possible! Go through the list, marking “negotiables” with one color and “non-negotiables” with another. Then take that list in prayer to God. Then you can compare any man you meet with that list, and if he doesn’t meet all of your non-negotiables, you can be more at peace about letting them go and moving on.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

• I often feel like his babysitter. He tends to talk with his mouth full, make jokes at awkward times, doesn’t shave regularly…he tends to miss a lot of social cues. It’s not that I think outward appearance and other people’s opinions are the MOST important thing. But they do say a lot. I find myself saying constantly reminding him of how to act in certain situations. I understand that I’m probably a little more socially aware because of my job and personality, but there’s some basic things that he just doesn’t recognize nor view as important. He doesn’t know social boundries.
• When I have children I want them to be well-mannered. If I marry a man who cannot carry himself *decently *in public, how would this affect our kids?
• He has a lot of trouble holding a conversation with other people. I find myself telling other people, “Well when you get to know him, he really has a lot of good things to say!”.
  Ok before I go any futher, I’m not trying to insult him or anything…just analyze our relationship and discern what’s most important to me.

Either the guy is really introverted and shy, and somewhat passive, or he’s on the autistic spectrum or has ADHD. Not getting social cues? Maybe you didn’t have brothers? Even very together males will do stuff like belch LOUDLY, fart LOUDLY, and make messes when they eat. They’re kinda like animals, especially when in the company of other males.



I really wish you had made these judgments earlier in your relationship. It seems like you may have talked yourself out of what you thought because he’s such a “nice” guy. But these traits which would not bother many other women, really bother you. So you have to talk to him, ASAP. I have the feeling you are going to hurt him a lot - he probably has no idea this is coming. Do us and him a favor, don’t go over this list with him. Just say, “I think we are not well-suited to each other,” or something like that, and let it go. Let him have his dignity.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I would also suggest that you sit down and make a list of everything you want in a husband, from how tall he is, what color hair he has, how he dresses to what he does for a living, how he lives his faith to how he manages money, how he eats, what his hobbies are, if he smokes/drinks/does drugs, etc. Write down EVERYTHING, being as specific as possible! Go through the list, marking “negotiables” with one color and “non-negotiables” with another. Then take that list in prayer to God. Then you can compare any man you meet with that list, and if he doesn’t meet all of your non-negotiables, you can be more at peace about letting them go and moving on.

and then go and join a religious order, because that perfect man exists only in our minds, in romantic novels, and on the big screen of Hollywood.

 

[Lorelei12]

It seems that you’ve made the decision to break things off with him, and I do hope you do it soon, not necessarily because I get the impression that you are incompatible, but because I think you need to let him go find someone who wants to be with him. You called yourself his “babysitter”, wrote that he lacks manners, lacks initiative, is a procrastinator, is too agreeable, and “would likely not fulfill his parental or spousal responsibilities very well”. You also mentioned that you have written down a list of things he has said that bother you over the course of your relationship. It sounds like you have let this go on too long- please do him a favor and let him go.

It is okay, of course, to dislike too many things about someone to want to be his wife. That’s dating, figuring it all out. I would caution you, though, to remember that you will never meet anyone who is perfect. And that often it’s the little things that annoy you about your spouse that teach you how to be more patient and kind. When your husband does or says something stupid or embarrassing at a family function, you learn to let it go. When he forgets to do something over and over, you learn to communicate without nagging. When you have differences over what kind of housework needs to be done and when, you figure it out together. And you remember that there are just as many things that you do or say that irritate him too, and he still loves you. I am not saying that your list is somehow wrong- if these are things you truly cannot live with then it is surely best for you to move on and find someone you see in a more favorable light. But just make sure you don’t hold onto such an idealized version of what your husband is “supposed” to be that you forget we’re all human.

 

[joshvanrad]

After following this thread, I’d have to say that you are setting your expectations far too high. I have seen women do this to try and justify breaking up with someone. It would seem that he isn’t a bad person, but that you are trying to talk yourself into breaking up with him.

A bit of male perspective: if you have made up your mind about being incompatible (and it sounds like you have)… just break up with him so he can mourn, move on, and proceed with his life. The more reasons you invent to drive a wedge between the two of you, the more turbulent the relationship will become for him.

I had a women do this to me once and it was extremely painful. Eventually, things deteriorated so terrible that I had to be the one to break up with her. I am not a perfect man and I certainly have my flaws, but I worked very hard inside of the relationship and excelled in the places I could excel in. She kept becoming more and more distant due to these “incompatibility issues” she would bring up to me. To me, they seemed like a lot nitpicking and shallow reasons. After we had broken up she brought all of these issues to the light. The longer you go in this situation the harder it will be for the both of you.

While I can’t tell you exactly what to do… with the information you have given, I would urge you to pray about the situation, and break up with him if need be. He doesn’t sound like a bad guy, so please do what is best for him.

Ite in pace,
Joshua C.

 

[ballet_dancer]

Either the guy is really introverted and shy, and somewhat passive, or he’s on the autistic spectrum or has ADHD. Not getting social cues? Maybe you didn’t have brothers? Even very together males will do stuff like belch LOUDLY, fart LOUDLY, and make messes when they eat. They’re kinda like animals, especially when in the company of other males.



I really wish you had made these judgments earlier in your relationship. It seems like you may have talked yourself out of what you thought because he’s such a “nice” guy. But these traits which would not bother many other women, really bother you. So you have to talk to him, ASAP. I have the feeling you are going to hurt him a lot - he probably has no idea this is coming. Do us and him a favor, don’t go over this list with him. Just say, “I think we are not well-suited to each other,” or something like that, and let it go. Let him have his dignity.

Interesting you should mention that he could be on the autism spectrum. A lot of past teachers have posed that question. His parents never wanted him or his siblings tested because they didn’t want the label.

And I do have brothers and have close male friends…I’m used to the typical male behavior.

I definitely would never list any harsh reason, he doesn’t deserve that. Likely would say exactly what you said or something that carries the same meaning.

It seems that you’ve made the decision to break things off with him, and I do hope you do it soon, not necessarily because I get the impression that you are incompatible, but because I think you need to let him go find someone who wants to be with him. You called yourself his “babysitter”, wrote that he lacks manners, lacks initiative, is a procrastinator, is too agreeable, and “would likely not fulfill his parental or spousal responsibilities very well”. You also mentioned that you have written down a list of things he has said that bother you over the course of your relationship. It sounds like you have let this go on too long- please do him a favor and let him go.

It is okay, of course, to dislike too many things about someone to want to be his wife. That’s dating, figuring it all out. I would caution you, though, to remember that you will never meet anyone who is perfect. And that often it’s the little things that annoy you about your spouse that teach you how to be more patient and kind. When your husband does or says something stupid or embarrassing at a family function, you learn to let it go. When he forgets to do something over and over, you learn to communicate without nagging. When you have differences over what kind of housework needs to be done and when, you figure it out together. And you remember that there are just as many things that you do or say that irritate him too, and he still loves you. I am not saying that your list is somehow wrong- if these are things you truly cannot live with then it is surely best for you to move on and find someone you see in a more favorable light. But just make sure you don’t hold onto such an idealized version of what your husband is “supposed” to be that you forget we’re all human.

Thanks for your advice. That really makes sense. Thanks to everyone else as well.

I don’t want to set my expectations too high. We are all human. I certainly have flaws as well. I think I need to learn a happy medium and need to figure out where a not too low, not too high standard is.

I called a close, trustworthy Christian female friend yesterday for advice. We are both very similar people and traveled a similar path during high school before parting for college. She’s seen the relationship from the start and I didn’t preface with any extra information, I just simply told her I was having doubts and needed her honest evaluation of our relationship. She told me that she honestly does not believe we compliment each other and touched upon many of my concerns. It was comforting to hear her perspective was similar to mine without me telling her anything. Calling her and speaking in depth was one of the best things I’ve done to resolve this.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Interesting you should mention that he could be on the autism spectrum. A lot of past teachers have posed that question. His parents never wanted him or his siblings tested because they didn’t want the label.

I have studied a lot about autism, and having a kid with ADHD, I looked into a lot of possibilities. I understand why parents would make that choice, but there are hazards in it too. To my mind, better to face up to what is really going on than pretend that everything is “normal.”

Best of luck and prayers go with you and your boyfriend.

 

[Catholic_Wife]

and then go and join a religious order, because that perfect man exists only in our minds, in romantic novels, and on the big screen of Hollywood.

Actually, I wanted to be a nun, but I left my life’s vocation up to God. I made the kind of list I mentioned, and met my husband a few months after beginning to pray about it. My husband has all of my non-negotiables plus most of my negotiables (except he’s not over 6’ tall, and he cannot dance). And he isn’t the kind of “spiritual head of the family” that I thought I wanted, but I’ve realized along the way that I’m okay with being more “excited about my faith” and knowing more about our faith than my husband (he’s okay with it, too). I accept that is one of my strengths and not one of his.