Boyfriend thinking about marriage but I am not ready yet

[confusedgirl]

I have been seeing this guy for a couple months now and when we met he said he has the intention of finding his true love and marrying her and starting a family. That is his dream and mine is a little different. I do like him a lot he’s a great guy and everything perfect marriage material but I am 20 years old it makes me feel like if I want to keep this great guy I am supposed to marry him and start a family when I am finished school. I will be 23 at that point and I know I won’t be ready for all that.

I am terrified to be starting a family and getting right when my life is about to begin. If I wasn’t in school right now I know for a fact he would have asked by now. I am not saying I never want to get married and have a family I just know that I don’t want to do it too soon. My dream is to get my career going and put all my hard work to good use. Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation?

 

[1ke]

That is his dream and mine is a little different.

Which likely means he is a perfectly lovely guy, but just not the right one for you.

I had lots of “right guy, wrong time” encounters when I was younger. You’ll meet lots of perfectly nice guys would are compatible with you. There’s no such thing as “Mr Right”. There are lots of “could be right” guys out there.

It might go like this:

Met a guy. He was ready, I was not. Part ways.

Met new guy. I was ready, he was not. Part ways.

Met new guy… I’m not over the last guy, sorry not ready.

Met new guy… He’s not over his divorce… yikes… move on.

Finally, meet a new guy… I am ready, he is ready…we are compatible, everything goes well… right guy, right time… marriage.

If you truly don’t believe that you are going to be ready to marry in the next 5 years, if he is not a person that you cannot live without and want to reconsider those ideas you have of how it should be in order to be with him… then if you continue to date him it will be more difficult to extricate yourself from something you are not ready for, and it will be hurtful to him to be led on.

 

[Xantippe]

I have been seeing this guy for a couple months now and when we met he said he has the intention of finding his true love and marrying her and starting a family. That is his dream and mine is a little different. I do like him a lot he’s a great guy and everything perfect marriage material but I am 20 years old it makes me feel like if I want to keep this great guy I am supposed to marry him and start a family when I am finished school. I will be 23 at that point and I know I won’t be ready for all that.

I am terrified to be starting a family and getting right when my life is about to begin. If I wasn’t in school right now I know for a fact he would have asked by now. I am not saying I never want to get married and have a family I just know that I don’t want to do it too soon. My dream is to get my career going and put all my hard work to good use. Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation?

That’s three years from now.

I feel like if he were the right guy for you, you wouldn’t think twice about it–you’d throw everything over for him. (Maybe finish college, but be excited about getting married very soon after.)

The fact that you aren’t excited about marrying this person suggests that you shouldn’t marry him.

You might want to date a little more to clarify your own feelings, but I strongly suspect that this is not the right person for you.

 

[1ke]

but I strongly suspect that this is not the right person for you.

Yep.

 

[Kelfa28]

It’s perfectly okay to not feel ready for marriage just yet…even in the next 3 years.

He does sound like a good guy but that doesn’t automatically make him marriage material.

I dated my first serious boyfriend when I was 21. Neither of us were ready for that kind of a commitment and we parted ways after a year.
He was a great guy and we were compatible and got along great together…but it would have never worked because we were at different points in our lives.

He got married to a nice girl about 4 years later and I married my husband about 6 years later.

He’s probably not the right guy for you.

 

[Xantippe]

Right.

I got my first proposal at 19 when I was in college. Aside from it not being the right person, it wasn’t the right time. Like the OP, I had so many ideas of what I wanted to do with my life and where I wanted to go, and I wasn’t ready to give that up.

It’s perfectly okay to not feel ready for marriage just yet…even in the next 3 years.

He does sound like a good guy but that doesn’t automatically make him marriage material.

I dated my first serious boyfriend when I was 21. Neither of us were ready for that kind of a commitment and we parted ways after a year.
He was a great guy and we were compatible and got along great together…but it would have never worked because we were at different points in our lives.

He got married to a nice girl about 4 years later and I married my husband about 6 years later.

He’s probably not the right guy for you.

 

[underacloud]

I have been seeing this guy for a couple months now and when we met he said he has the intention of finding his true love and marrying her and starting a family.

A couple of months? That’s not long at all, and certainly not long enough (at that age) to be so advanced in his ideas of where your relationship is going. It sounds like perhaps he is fitting you into his pre-existing plan/dream rather than building his dream around you.

If you truly don’t believe that you are going to be ready to marry in the next 5 years, if he is not a person that you cannot live without and want to reconsider those ideas you have of how it should be in order to be with him… then if you continue to date him it will be more difficult to extricate yourself from something you are not ready for, and it will be hurtful to him to be led on.

Yes. Do him a favour and let him go find the right girl (at the right time) for him.

I feel like if he were the right guy for you, you wouldn’t think twice about it–you’d throw everything over for him. (Maybe finish college, but be excited about getting married very soon after.)

The fact that you aren’t excited about marrying this person suggests that you shouldn’t marry him.

Yeah. You can talk about different plans, dreams, etc but the bottom line is that these things don’t matter if you’re not feeling it anyway.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I have been seeing this guy for a couple months now and when we met he said he has the intention of finding his true love and marrying her and starting a family. That is his dream and mine is a little different. I do like him a lot he’s a great guy and everything perfect marriage material but I am 20 years old it makes me feel like if I want to keep this great guy I am supposed to marry him and start a family when I am finished school. I will be 23 at that point and I know I won’t be ready for all that.

I am terrified to be starting a family and getting right when my life is about to begin. If I wasn’t in school right now I know for a fact he would have asked by now. I am not saying I never want to get married and have a family I just know that I don’t want to do it too soon. My dream is to get my career going and put all my hard work to good use. Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation?

Your concerns here are legitimate. I think perhaps this guy is being a bit too clingy and this smitten feeling he has probably isn’t uncommon.

You need to let him know how you feel about this, and NEVER marry or have sex with someone just to keep him around because seems like a great guy.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Which likely means he is a perfectly lovely guy, but just not the right one for you.

I had lots of “right guy, wrong time” encounters when I was younger. You’ll meet lots of perfectly nice guys would are compatible with you. There’s no such thing as “Mr Right”. There are lots of “could be right” guys out there.

It might go like this:

Met a guy. He was ready, I was not. Part ways.

Met new guy. I was ready, he was not. Part ways.

Met new guy… I’m not over the last guy, sorry not ready.

Met new guy… He’s not over his divorce… yikes… move on.

Finally, meet a new guy… I am ready, he is ready…we are compatible, everything goes well… right guy, right time… marriage.

If you truly don’t believe that you are going to be ready to marry in the next 5 years, if he is not a person that you cannot live without and want to reconsider those ideas you have of how it should be in order to be with him… then if you continue to date him it will be more difficult to extricate yourself from something you are not ready for, and it will be hurtful to him to be led on.

If she’s honest with him and he understands and tones it down, wouldn’t that work? It could be that he is acting both clingy and is smitten by her.

I don’t see the only solution for them to break up.

 

[SuperLuigi]

A couple of months? That’s not long at all, and certainly not long enough (at that age) to be so advanced in his ideas of where your relationship is going. It sounds like perhaps he is fitting you into his pre-existing plan/dream rather than building his dream around you.

Now that sounds like another good possibility. :yup:

 

[ack]

Your concerns here are legitimate. I think perhaps this guy is being a bit too clingy and this smitten feeling he has probably isn’t uncommon.

You need to let him know how you feel about this, and NEVER marry or have sex with someone just to keep him around because seems like a great guy.

I don’t think the OP said that her boyfriend specifically asked her to marry him. I thought the boyfriend made a general statement that he’s dating because he wants to get married, while the OP doesn’t want to date someone who has a goal of marrying soon. Which is probably a good reason to discontinue the relationship.

There is a lot of pressure from other Catholics to get married at a young age, and it might be hard to find a guy who will openly say that he wants to date but has no interest in marrying in the foreseeable future.

. I do like him a lot he’s a great guy and everything perfect marriage material

A couple months is not necessarily long enough to tell if a guy is perfect marriage material. Flaws tend to reveal themselves over time.

 

[jilly4ski]

My husband was ready to get married before I was. He was a few years older than me (2 years in school) and was ready to move on with his life. I knew that I was not ready when he was. I had to finish my undergraduate degree (I did complete a professional degree while married). So I gave him a time table and he thought it worth it to wait for me to be ready. But after only a few months, that is rough. We were very smitten and talked about marriage very early on, but mostly in general and romantic terms. So if you have a general idea of when you would be ready, but up front with that, he may think it worth it to wait. Otherwise, be up front about the fact that you don’t know when you would be ready and it would be better to break it off.

 

[SuperLuigi]

ack;13041932]I don’t think the OP said that her boyfriend specifically asked her to marry him. I thought the boyfriend made a general statement that he’s dating because he wants to get married, while the OP doesn’t want to date someone who has a goal of marrying soon. Which is probably a good reason to discontinue the relationship.

It could be a good reason, but I also think that if he comes back down to earth, this can be resolved. If he’s not, he can’t or if he really is looking for marriage in the here and now, then ending the relationship wouldn’t be a bad idea.

All in all, it’s a judgement call, but I’m finding the “break it off NOW” advice a tad early and too simplistic.

I was in a situation like a couple of times where the woman was 19 and wasn’t ready for marriage, but each seemed to think I’d make a good man to be with. Still, in their view, it wasn’t enough to get them to consider keeping things going.

There is a lot of pressure from other Catholics to get married at a young age, and it might be hard to find a guy who will openly say that he wants to date but has no interest in marrying in the foreseeable future.

I’m not quite convinced that is what is going on here. It could be he just really, really likes her.

 

[ack]

I’m not quite convinced that is what is going on here. It could be he just really, really likes her.

I don’t think that’s what’s going on here either. But it’s something that might affect the OP in the future – if she’s quite sure that she wants to wait 5+ years before getting married, then dating could be problematic right now. Of course, this is a decision that could easily be revisited if she changes her mind.

 

[confusedgirl]

I’m not quite convinced that is what is going on here. It could be he just really, really likes her.

No it isn’t what is going on. I just think he is just super infatuated right now. I mean I hope if I can keep his mind off the idea of marriage and we get to know each other better I hope he will too sort of get the idea that I want to wait.

 

[confusedgirl]

I don’t think that’s what’s going on here either. But it’s something that might affect the OP in the future – if she’s quite sure that she wants to wait 5+ years before getting married, then dating could be problematic right now. Of course, this is a decision that could easily be revisited if she changes her mind.

I think that what I am afraid of is getting married and regretting not accomplishing my goals in life. There is so much I want to do and now I am 20 and I worry that getting married too soon would affect my ability to meet my goals. I also worry that if I become too focused on my career I might never get married.

 

[underacloud]

…I hope he will too sort of get the idea that I want to wait.

You *hope *he will get the idea?

You need to do more than hope - you need to effectively communicate with him. Have you actually shared with him the concerns you raise in this thread?

If you haven’t, then you need to.

If you have and he doesn’t get it, then you have a big issue. He may just need to calm down, get over being smitten. But frankly, if he’s that smitten and you’re not, then I just don’t see it working.

 

[Kelfa28]

No it isn’t what is going on. I just think he is just super infatuated right now. I mean I hope if I can keep his mind off the idea of marriage and we get to know each other better I hope he will too sort of get the idea that I want to wait.

There is no hoping.

There is straight up communicating.

Tell him what you want and what your expectations are.

You don’t come up with something in your head and telepathically expect him to understand. You need to talk to him and tell him what you’ve typed here.

 

[eatpraylove11]

Which likely means he is a perfectly lovely guy, but just not the right one for you.

I had lots of “right guy, wrong time” encounters when I was younger. You’ll meet lots of perfectly nice guys would are compatible with you. There’s no such thing as “Mr Right”. There are lots of “could be right” guys out there.

It might go like this:

Met a guy. He was ready, I was not. Part ways.

Met new guy. I was ready, he was not. Part ways.

Met new guy… I’m not over the last guy, sorry not ready.

Met new guy… He’s not over his divorce… yikes… move on.

Finally, meet a new guy… I am ready, he is ready…we are compatible, everything goes well… right guy, right time… marriage…

This is spot on! :clapping:

That’s pretty much how dating goes. Sometimes one person is ahead of the others, and that’s okay. You don’t have to do anything you do not want to do.

 

[12345678]

Which likely means he is a perfectly lovely guy, but just not the right one for you.

I had lots of “right guy, wrong time” encounters when I was younger. You’ll meet lots of perfectly nice guys would are compatible with you. There’s no such thing as “Mr Right”. There are lots of “could be right” guys out there.

It might go like this:

Met a guy. He was ready, I was not. Part ways.

Met new guy. I was ready, he was not. Part ways.

Met new guy… I’m not over the last guy, sorry not ready.

Met new guy… He’s not over his divorce… yikes… move on.

Finally, meet a new guy… I am ready, he is ready…we are compatible, everything goes well… right guy, right time… marriage.

If you truly don’t believe that you are going to be ready to marry in the next 5 years, if he is not a person that you cannot live without and want to reconsider those ideas you have of how it should be in order to be with him… then if you continue to date him it will be more difficult to extricate yourself from something you are not ready for, and it will be hurtful to him to be led on.

It won’t make a difference if he is over his divorce or not if it turns out he was validly married…

OP, if you aren’t on the same page, let him know. You are probably better off parting ways. I don’t agree that getting married at that age means you miss out on life, like society tries to tell us, but that is a different topic.