Boyfriends family

[AKatie26]

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year now and I’ve met his family on a number of occasions and I really feel like I’m not fitting in. I’m not Catholic, but his family is a very big italian, Catholic family. I’m the only one at any of the family functions who isn’t italian and isn’t Catholic and although they never bring this up I can feel there are a lot of differences between our families. I guess in his family its normal to openly insult and make fun of people so they do that to me a lot and I’m really unused to that. I’m sure that has nothing to do with being Catholic but its another concern. We’re both really big family people and I always wanted a close relationship with my future partners family and I really feel that this might prevent me with being with him long term. Do you have any advice?

 

[aggiecatholic05]

my advice is if you really care for him to suck it up.

my inlaws hated me because i was ‘country and poor’ when wer were first engaged they tried to set their daughter up on blind dates. they emailed threaths to the deacon doing or premarriage counseling, and at our wedding reception commented to my family that she hoped we wouldnt have kids because that would make the relationship seem a bit too permanant for her liking.

but when that first grandkid comes that all goes out the window. so if you pray on it and think and fell you should stay with him then do. grin and bear the family. if you get comfortable enough jab back when they poke fun and eventually it’ll all work out.

 

[Trishie]

Because of the interplay between them they probably think they’re making you welcome by treating you as they might each other. They would realize that between each other it isn’t taken that seriously. My son found the same with a family he stayed with, and he couldn’t handle it. It was well-intended but misplaced family humour.

I guess it’s down to whether or not you feel you could quietly say to the family that to you it’s hurtful…though they may think you’re not being what Australian’s would call “a good sport” meaning you take things too seriously and personally…you have the right to have your feelings respected. No, it’s not Catholic, and it’s not all Italian families…but it’s no fun to be squirming under others’ combined misplaced humour.

I suppose you’ve tried to tell your boyfriend you don’t feel comfortable with his family humour, the trouble is, he probably does and may feel uncomfortable in telling his family to lighten up with you. Have you spoken to him about this?

 

[Salonika]

Katie, I really feel for you - both because getting to know a boyfriends family is intrinsically difficult and is made more so when their norms and behaviour are different from yours.

Some people, but not me, say that differences in family styles and norns shouldn’t matter but I think they do, especially if the families will spend a lot of time together.

As another poster has said your boy friend’s family probably think their behaviour is welcoming - they’re treating you as one of the family. While saying anything about it can be scary, not saying anything could lead to things coming to a head in a way you don’t want it to if you are teased once too much.

Something similar happened to me when I was in my early teens when we moved reasonably close to an uncle and aunt who had a large family. It took me, an only child, ages to get used to the noise, the pushing and shoving at meal times and the teasing that went on in their house. I thought they were the ruddest and most insulting kids out. They thought I lacked a sense of humour and a few other qualities.

Do you know what your boyfriend thinks about the way your family relates? If so, this could lead the two of you into a discussion, or a deeper one, on how his family relates and how this affects you both.

No should be asking one family/person to do all the changing but to make modifications so no-one feels really uncomfortable.

 

[AKatie26]

Thank you guys for your advice! I definitely think its an issue that needs to be addressed before me and my boyfriend get more serious. I’ve tried talking to him but mostly he gets defensive because he’s so used to it he doesn’t think its a big deal. I think that if I do talk to them about it they may never accept me and feel normal around me, and thats really not what I want either. I just wish my boyfriend would be more willing to talk openly about it. Family is really important to me so I do think that if this feeling of not belonging doesn’t go away at some point it would deter me from wanting to be with him. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that.

 

[duskyjewel]

AKatie, regardless of how things turn out… this is what dating is FOR. Discerning whether this is the right person to spend your life with. If there are things that are dealbreakers for you, and which are not addressed to your satisfaction, then you have discerned that this person is not the right fit to be your spouse.

Him getting defensive and refusing to see the issue from your point of view is not a good sign. But that may just be immaturity… he may grow out of that. Trust me, you do NOT want to marry a guy who does not know how to stand up to Mama.

You have time. Be careful, be open to differences and do try to see it from their side (I come from a family of smart asses too! ), but in the end, choose carefully and wisely, and do not compromise things that are really important to you.

That is true of seeking a mate no matter what religion or ethnicity you are. Good luck.

 

[whatevergirl]

I will probably get ‘flamed’ for saying this…I’m Italian, and I wouldn’t marry an Italian man. I loved my dad, God rest his soul…I loved his side of the family…I want to visit Italy some day…but I would never marry an Italian man, largely due to what you say. I grew up being insulted (oh but we’re just joking, sharon) …never getting a word in edgewise…and told that a woman’s role is to cook and clean for a man…

That being said, I married a German man. lol

But, I will say that Italian families are not all like this, but many are…and it’s not personal. It was hard for me to cope at times, and I grew up in an Italian family!

I think that you could let your bf know how it makes you feel…but, if this is how his family acts…I guess if you plan on being part of the clan, you have to accept a certain amount of ‘razzing’ as they say. But, you’re not married or engaged yet…if this is something that you really feel you will never be able to feel comfortable around, then don’t marry this man.

But if you love him, and want to move forward, then you will probably have to accept some of it. My mom could not accept it…and my dad hardly saw his family over it. Either you’ll have to accept it, or I wouldn’t recommend marrying the guy.

Just my two cents.

 

[whatevergirl]

AKatie, regardless of how things turn out… this is what dating is FOR. Discerning whether this is the right person to spend your life with. If there are things that are dealbreakers for you, and which are not addressed to your satisfaction, then you have discerned that this person is not the right fit to be your spouse.

Him getting defensive and refusing to see the issue from your point of view is not a good sign. But that may just be immaturity… he may grow out of that. Trust me, you do NOT want to marry a guy who does not know how to stand up to Mama.

You have time. Be careful, be open to differences and do try to see it from their side (I come from a family of smart asses too! ), but in the end, choose carefully and wisely, and do not compromise things that are really important to you.

That is true of seeking a mate no matter what religion or ethnicity you are. Good luck.

agree with dusky!!

 

[1ke]

It might be a dealbreaker.

An entire family is not going to change its ways.

 

[rpp]

I will probably get ‘flamed’ for saying this…I’m Italian, and I wouldn’t marry an Italian man. I loved my dad, God rest his soul…I loved his side of the family…I want to visit Italy some day…but I would never marry an Italian man, largely due to what you say. I grew up being insulted (oh but we’re just joking, sharon) …never getting a word in edgewise…and told that a woman’s role is to cook and clean for a man…

That being said, I married a German man. lol

But, I will say that Italian families are not all like this, but many are…and it’s not personal. It was hard for me to cope at times, and I grew up in an Italian family!

I think that you could let your bf know how it makes you feel…but, if this is how his family acts…I guess if you plan on being part of the clan, you have to accept a certain amount of ‘razzing’ as they say. But, you’re not married or engaged yet…if this is something that you really feel you will never be able to feel comfortable around, then don’t marry this man.

But if you love him, and want to move forward, then you will probably have to accept some of it. My mom could not accept it…and my dad hardly saw his family over it. Either you’ll have to accept it, or I wouldn’t recommend marrying the guy.

Just my two cents.

Whatevergirl and I come to different conclusions for the same reasons.

I am half Italian and half French. My father was the Italian. There are certainly cultural differences between these two and many of the stereotypes are remarkably accurate (except for criminal behavior), at least with my family.

Italians do tend to be rather, umm, talkative and well, a bit blunt. But that is nothing compared to the French.

One thing to keep in mind, the Italians I know tend to be very gregarious (I am an exception) and will try to draw people out. Sometimes this can be done without much thought and may seem like insults when they were not intended to be.

As for me, I would love to meet and marry and Italian woman, despite their (and please excuse me Whatevergirl), their reputation for shrewishness. Of course, body armor (for me) would be on the wedding registry.

But getting back to the point, I think in our modern age, society tries to separate us from our parents and families. The “I don’t care what my (his) parents think…” is not a good attitude. I am relieved that Akatie26 seems to understand that. Duskyjewel made a very important point the very first sentence of her post.

On a final note, I would like to invite Akatie26, to learn more about what the Catholic Church really teaches and believes. You may be surprised. So please, stick around here, and browse through the document library on www.catholic.com to learn more about the Church. I think you will find that there are many converts to the Catholic Church, myself included.

 

[whatevergirl]

Whatevergirl and I come to different conclusions for the same reasons.

I am half Italian and half French. My father was the Italian. There are certainly cultural differences between these two and many of the stereotypes are remarkably accurate (except for criminal behavior), at least with my family.

Italians do tend to be rather, umm, talkative and well, a bit blunt. But that is nothing compared to the French.

One thing to keep in mind, the Italians I know tend to be very gregarious (I am an exception) and will try to draw people out. Sometimes this can be done without much thought and may seem like insults when they were not intended to be.

As for me, I would love to meet and marry and Italian woman, despite their (and please excuse me Whatevergirl), their reputation for shrewishness. Of course, body armor (for me) would be on the wedding registry.

But getting back to the point, I think in our modern age, society tries to separate us from our parents and families. The “I don’t care what my (his) parents think…” is not a good attitude. I am relieved that Akatie26 seems to understand that. Duskyjewel made a very important point the very first sentence of her post.

On a final note, I would like to invite Akatie26, to learn more about what the Catholic Church really teaches and believes. You may be surprised. So please, stick around here, and browse through the document library on www.catholic.com to learn more about the Church. I think you will find that there are many converts to the Catholic Church, myself included.

shrew? Italian women? lol That made me chuckle. lol

They too can be very blunt, yes. Just like the men can be blunt.

I will say to the OP, that the thing is…how does your bf feel about how you feel about things? He shouldn’t expect you to chime right in, if you’re not comfortable…but, you can’t expect his family to change who they are as well…this is why I didn’t marry an Italian man, I’m afraid. lol

Keep praying and reflecting…before you become engaged…really think if you will ever be able to accept this type of thing, because like 1ke said…families, with ingrained behavior, typically don’t change.

 

[BlestOne]

OK… I am so totally gonna get flamed here… I am from a Polish and German Catholic family and I had Italian Catholic friends… as a teen I found them humorous because they were so gossipy and busybody… but I also thanked God I wasn’t a part of the family too. The women seemed to be nosey to me… from a teen perspective.

On the other hand… my family was a bit cold and uppity… but that could have just been my mom and oldest sister and where I grew up… I am so very down to earth but my oldest sister always acts like she is better than everyone. Polish side was ok… except for a constant complaining about their own children…and the food was pretty good too.

 

[3Bambinos]

I am an Irish-Austrian Catholic and I married and Italian Catholic…a VERY Italian Catholic.

At first, I felt a little taken aback by how boisterous his family is. They, too, are prone to “kid because they care.” His uncles can lay it on pretty thick sometimes. But I know they really do it because they want to make me feel welcome. It is strange, I know, but now I feel a little honored in a weird way when the tease me… because they really do mean it as a sign of affection.

His female relatives are usually even more loud and racous, but never to me. They are always very sweet and keep the ribbing to a minimum. I think they see me as more “fragile” than they are, or something! I’m pretty petite and small framed. They are much more powerfully built.

His mother seems to immune to this behaviour however. She is quite lively, but never teases other people. She is probably the most empathic and sensitve to others in that whole family. she is very sweet and kind to everyone. It’s nice to have her around.

OP, I know it will take some getting used to, but my advice is, if you like this guy-- and it is good-natured ribbing his family dishes out, not anything cruel or abusive-- try to keep an open mind about his family. And, the BEST thing by far you can do when they start teasing is have snappy comeback! They LOVE that! That will win them over for sure!