Boys & Girls as Friends

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Seeking_Wisdom

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I need some good ol’ conservative Catholic advice on parenting.

Our daughters (8 & 5) have mainly boys for friends. The Catholic friends and neighbors we have just so happen to have boys whose ages match up. At the early ages there wasn’t a problem with this or a concern about where they played (i.e. T.V. room, bedroom, etc.). Now, my oldest is asking if her friend can spend the night. The answer for us is “no”, but I’m not quite sure how to explain in a way which is honest and understandable to her. Or is the traditional, “Because I said so” enough? Also, we’re trying to decide how and at what age to say, “Boys are not allowed in your room”.

Any ideas?
 
From experience, being the a girl with all guy friends growing up, chances are, when the time comes for them to start “experimenting” it won’t be with their guy friends. Especially when they become teenagers, then they usually don’t want to ruin a friendship with a relationship. I don’t think you have much to worry about…but… if you are still worried, and you don’t want your daughter to kick up a huge fuss, explain to her that at a certain age, boys and girls become different from each other and that they shouldn’t sleep together until they are married. Or if you want to allow it, make sure that he sleeps in a seperate bed in a seperate room (my mom still does that with my fiance even though we’d lived together) or have a campout in your living room with other siblings so they are not alone but she’s 8, i still don’t think that there is anything to worry about. Hope that helped a little bit
 
a “campout” is a great idea…out of my 23 cousins only five are girls so my brothers and I often camped out in the living room. Sometimes there were 8 cousins and I was the only girl…and sometimes my cousins or brothers even had friends…it wasn’t a big deal…she is 8 its a good age for a campout in the living room
 
You are going to need to say no eventually, so now is a good time to do it. Gently of course. If she is 8, you need to talk to her about girls’ physical maturity if you haven’t already. Because even if she does not start physically maturing soon, her friends will. Some girls at 8 have already begun the very early signs of maturing and some girls get their menses at 9. You should also encourage your daughters to have female friends (and female interests) too because when their male friends start doing more boy things, your girls won’t be left “high and dry.” Having male friends at this age is wonderful and almost surely is more like a brother-sister friendship. But it is important to anticipate future eventualities and prepare your children for turns that could upset them if unprepared.
 
Our 12 year old is the same. Most of her good friends are male.

We gladly host pizza parties, game nights, whatever they come up with, but they are always chaperoned and NO over nights and NO being alone without an adult.

She understands that those are the rules and we have had no problem with it. “because it is inappropriate for boys and girls to be alone together” was enough explanation at 8.

Just adding: Not all girls grow out of having boys as friends, all through school and to this day most my close friends are male.

-D
 
I grew up playing only with boys, I guess cause of was a “tom boy” of sorts. :cool: As we all grew and “discovered” the opposite sex, my male friends stayed JUST friends. We grew up together and knew everything about each other, what was the Mystery in that? Besides, they were like brothers to me 👍

But the biggest reason for me not being interested in them was the fact that as friends, they were the VERY BEST, as possible “boy friends” they were real GEEKS. :eek: 😛 😃
 
AHhhh but the geeks make the best husbands. Intelligent, thoughtful, loyal, with a tendency to seeing themselves a misunderstood knights errant and usually not nearly as self absorbed as the average male… PLUS they will watch Star Trek reruns and Monty Python with you instead of turning to NASCAR or the BIG GAME.

-D
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mkw:
I grew up playing only with boys, I guess cause of was a “tom boy” of sorts. :cool: As we all grew and “discovered” the opposite sex, my male friends stayed JUST friends. We grew up together and knew everything about each other, what was the Mystery in that? Besides, they were like brothers to me 👍

But the biggest reason for me not being interested in them was the fact that as friends, they were the VERY BEST, as possible “boy friends” they were real GEEKS. :eek: 😛 😃
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My late husband and I went to at least 4 NASCAR races each year. 👍 I look forward every year to the fall season. Not the changing of leaves or the wonderful crisp night, but thats when FOOTBALL season starts. 👍 😛

RCIA just killed my last year, our classes were on Monday Nite, yep you guessed it, MONDAY NITE FOOTBALL…Oh well!!

I am waiting for God to send me the perfect man. He has to be…
  1. Nascar fan (perfer Fords)
  2. Football fan, Titans of course
  3. Know Rules for above sports a must
  4. Be a faithful Catholic man whome I can share and grow in faith with…Come to think about it,This one needs to be first, with the rest coming after. But, God knows what I mean 👍
 
Goes to show you how different people can be.

My requirements (after being a good Catholic guy) were:
  1. Has played D&D and enjoyed it. Knows at least 3 Star Trek Captains and never gets Start Trek and Star Wars confused.
  2. Enjoys military history, marital arts – military service a plus and has a least a passing knowledge of European and American Literature (doesn’t hurt to be a Sci FI / Fantasy fan.
  3. Is familiar with Dr Who, Monty Python and at least 2 Brit Coms.
  4. Enjoys and plays a variety of board game and is willing to learn new ones.
  5. If not a serious fan of coffee at least knows the difference between the various coffee drinks I consume.
Of course now that I have said man I am completely satisfied.
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mkw:
My late husband and I went to at least 4 NASCAR races each year. 👍 I look forward every year to the fall season. Not the changing of leaves or the wonderful crisp night, but thats when FOOTBALL season starts. 👍 😛

RCIA just killed my last year, our classes were on Monday Nite, yep you guessed it, MONDAY NITE FOOTBALL…Oh well!!

I am waiting for God to send me the perfect man. He has to be…
  1. Nascar fan (perfer Fords)
  2. Football fan, Titans of course
  3. Know Rules for above sports a must
  4. Be a faithful Catholic man whome I can share and grow in faith with…Come to think about it,This one needs to be first, with the rest coming after. But, God knows what I mean 👍
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This is an interesting question because of something that happened recently with my 15 year old daughter. Now that she’s in high school, she has met new friends - and one in particular is a boy.

Anyway, they were all going out and Tim was dropped off early to get a ride. No big deal, happens all the time with her girl friends. All of sudden, I realized this 15 year old boy was in my daughter’s bedroom as she was finishing primping - fortunately with the door wide open. When I said something to her later, you could see the astonishment on her face - it didn’t even occur to her about appropriateness - Tim is just one of the girls:) . So now we’ve covered this subject and Tim will not be in her bedroom anymore!!!

Kris
 
This is an interesting thread. I notice all the replies are from women. I’ve had the “can boys and girls / men and women” be friends conversation with my husband several times, and I’ve come to agree with him that for us, the answer is no. My husband says that women often don’t realize how much more men think about sex than women do. He thinks that most guys are not able to completely separate sexual feelings from a friendship, and that a guy with an actractive female friend almost always has an attraction to her of some sort. I actually think women enjoy the flirtatious nature of a male-female friendship as well - it’s just not as overtly sexual as the way men tend to see it.

That’s not to say that male-female friendships can’t be chaste. Of course they can, if the friends are committed to not crossing those boundaries. But the boundaries are there and I would caution people in co-ed friendships to really examine the basis for the friendships before disagreeing with this argument. Are they part of a group friendship, or one on one. Is there really no level of attraction or flirtation present? Are you sure that the same is true of your friend, or are they just very respectful of you and so don’t show it. Would you interact the same way with your same-sex friends? In my humble opinion, the answers to this may be “no” even when we don’t recognize it. It has taken me years of reflection on my friendships with guys to recognize that these issues have always been there. Now maybe, my husband and I are just cut from the same cloth and others are different than us…or maybe we are all cut from this cloth, and we are just so well trained by our culture to not appreciate our different sexes that we are just blinded to these issues.

I know I’m in no position to judge any of your co-ed friendships and didn’t mean this to start an argument on the topic, but it leads me to say, I’d be cautious about encouraging strong co-ed friendships in children. As they get older, and attraction and flirtation become an issue, it will help if they’re not already so attached to being so close to their co-ed friends that it is hard to cut back. I also think it is good to encourage girls having girl friends, if only so that they won’t feel a dilemma such as: all my guy friends “like” me, but they’re my only friends. I think better safe than sorry.

I think co-ed sleep overs are inappropriate at any age, and would tell my girl. “Boys and Girls are different, and there are some things are just not appropriate to do with a boy friend. A boy may be your husband someday. Sleeping over (even in different rooms) is a very “intimate” activity, and that’s for families, girl friends and someday, your husband, but not for boys.”

God Bless,
TKC
 
My parents never allowed us to have members of the opposite sex sleep over unless they stayed in another room. What worked well for us (my 3 brothers and I) was an open door policy. I was never allowed to have any guy in my room with the door closed, and vice versa with my brothers.
 
TKC,

what works for you and is comfortable for you and your husband is great, but it is not universal. With my first marriage I thought like you, my ex-husband did as well and left me for one of his male friends… who knows life is odd like that.

I know plenty of women who have only female friends and talk to them constantly about everything and leave their husbands out of their emotional lives almost completely. For us friends are a sideline and we share everything with each other.

I think it is perfectly possible for a man to have a friend that he looks on as a sister and not as a romantic interest. My husband agrees with this and for us opposite-sex friendships are not a concern in our marriage. The VAST majority of our friends are mutual friends.

If there was reason to suspect something more then the friendship would of course be dropped, but not every man is constantly thinking about bedding every woman he knows.

For you and yours fine… stick to same sex friends, but for me and mine there is no big compelling reason to do so.

-D
 
What a good thread… I never even thought of this situation when and if it comes up… It is so strange, I always had “guy” friends… I never got along with girls my age…hmmm…don’t figure… (Yes, if ya didn’t know I am a girl…infact a mommy of 2 girls… 😉 )

Tanya
 
Wow this topic fits in perfectly with an issue I’ve recently experience with one of my guy friends. One group of friends I have is a foursome…two girls two guys. My best friend is going out with one of the guys. I am not going out with anyone, just good friends with them. My best friend has just recently went away to school but her and her boyfriend are doing the long distance relationship. So her boyfriend and his best friend who are again very good friends of mine hang out all the time. Well Owen (my best friend’s bf) goes to college near me and since we both have the same time off on certain days I suggested we meet up for lunch or something. I didn’t think twice about it; it was just a normal thing I would ask a friend. It was very interesting to hear from the male side though. He said that even though we were friends, he couldn’t do something alone with me especially since he was dating another girl. I was kind of confused because my best friend has said it was totally fine for us to hang out, I don’t “like him like that” and so in my way of thinking whats wrong with us to go out to lunch together? He explained it is just different from a guys perspective. I could tell he was uncomfortable with it so I suggested that his best friend, my friend John come along. He was fine with this cuz this is what we always do. But it was a new realization for me that the way girls view and feel about their guy friends may definitely be different about the way guys view and feel about girl friendships. He said that for himself, he just wouldn’t be able to do it, and of course I respected that.
 
I don’t have many women friends. The things most women talk about bore me. I’m not a let’s talk baby/make-up/relationships kind of person. There is nothing wrong with that if you are…I’m just not. When I go to my husband’s church I usually wind up talking to the men…and not the women. I really can’t do chatter and small talk all that well. I do once in a while find a woman like me and its like a breathe of fresh air. We talk politics, we talk history or current events…we may talk sports.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m putting women down…I’m not. I’m just wired differently from most. 🙂

I was like that when I was growing up as well. I did not want to date the boys I hung out with…nor did I want to be ‘one of the guys’. I just felt a lot more comfortable around them…and as far as them being secretly attracted to me…they would talk to me about the girls they had crushes on or would have liked to have dated… 😛

dream wanderer
 
I could have written those EXACT words. thank you thank you – it feels good not to be alone sometimes 😉

-D
dream wanderer:
I don’t have many women friends. The things most women talk about bore me. I’m not a let’s talk baby/make-up/relationships kind of person. There is nothing wrong with that if you are…I’m just not. When I go to my husband’s church I usually wind up talking to the men…and not the women. I really can’t do chatter and small talk all that well. I do once in a while find a woman like me and its like a breathe of fresh air. We talk politics, we talk history or current events…we may talk sports.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m putting women down…I’m not. I’m just wired differently from most. 🙂

I was like that when I was growing up as well. I did not want to date the boys I hung out with…nor did I want to be ‘one of the guys’. I just felt a lot more comfortable around them…and as far as them being secretly attracted to me…they would talk to me about the girls they had crushes on or would like to date… 😛

dream wanderer
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darcee:
I could have written those EXACT words. thank you thank you – it feels good not to be alone sometimes
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Word.
I think it’s cause I grew up with three brothers and my sister was 8 years older than me, so by the time I got old enough to be able to really do anything, she was in high school and not so into dealing with a six year old.

I live with two guys, one of whom I dated in college. There’s NO tension whatsoever in our house about wanting to date each other. We’ve all known each other now for 7 years, and we’re JUST friends.
Most of my friends are guys, always have been. I’d rather talk baseball and such than make up. I think it’s totally possible for people of opposite genders to be JUST friends.
 
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lizziebeth730:
I live with two guys, one of whom I dated in college. There’s NO tension whatsoever in our house about wanting to date each other. We’ve all known each other now for 7 years, and we’re JUST friends.
Most of my friends are guys, always have been. I’d rather talk baseball and such than make up. I think it’s totally possible for people of opposite genders to be JUST friends.
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lizziebeth–Check in on us in 25 years when you have a college-aged daughter! Methinks you will have a different view of all this.
 
I’m not totally convinced that you have anything to worry about at this age - 8 & 5. I don’t think they are even thinking that way at that age. Certainly later. That time is coming. I do think the “camp out” thing is a great idea, though. I don’t think that sleeping in the same room is wise. This would be the time to start separating them - gently.

I have all boys and only 1 - the youngest, 17 - seems to have alot of girl friends and at that age, he doesn’t think of them like that. There is one little girl that is a really good friend and has been for years that I think he should date and every time I mention it, he just shakes his head and says, “uh, NO!”

My goddaughter is only a year younger and they live in another state (we do go home every so often to visit). She is an absolute beauty and I suggested that he date this nice catholic girl and I thought he was gonna have a stroke - “Ugh! NO, Mom, that’s like incest!” I laughed until I cried!!

At least with my son, he doesn’t see his girl friends in “that way”. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a healthy 17 year old and he’ll be the first to tell me that some girl is HOT! But that’s it - a relationship - Ugh! No way! She’s just a friend!

I guess I’m glad my son’s mind works that way. He seems to be appropriate when it’s needed. If a girl is a friend, that’s it, she’s a friend.
 
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