BPD wife ( borderline personality disorder)

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Hi, I’ve been married for 15 years and I have 3 children. My wife was diagnosed with BPD before our marriage but I did not know it. Our relationship has always been rough. After several years of marriage we decided to go to a catholic psichiatrist specialized in marriage issues. After doing a psychological evaluation the truth came out (she had BPD) and she refused to get any tratment. She knew that she had BPD but she had never told me. Now the situation is worse than before; she has alcohol issue, spending issues and the list goes on. I had to take a leave from work to stay with my children. This situation has made me depressed. I brought her to see psychiatrists, exorcists. BPDs are good at manipulating and they know what to say in order to look normal. She has a strong catholic faith but it does not seem to help. She curses me beyond comprehension. Sometimes she is aware that she has something wrong but she does not do anything to fix the problem. I am afraid that this situation will affect my kids as well. Sometime I would just leave but I can’t because of my kids. I am really depressed…thank you.
 
I’m so sorry. Unfortunately because she refuses to get help, there’s not much you can do for her. Are you getting help for your depression? Would she listen to a Priest or family member?

Honestly in your situation I would be looking to separate. It’s not good for you or your children to go through what you are.
 
I said to her that I wanted to go se the doctor for depression and she did not support me. She does not talk to her mother, her brother, my mother. Her mother, a devout catholic basically told me that since I am the husband and father of my kids I should take care of this situation.basically she washed her hands. In part I blame her mother for this situation since she negletted her daughter when she was younger. My wife was victim of sexual abuse when she was a child. It’s really complicated…

I am in Italy right now and the BPD subject its not very well known. But I even talked to exorcists and doctors without success. I’ve spoken with the official psichiastrist of the association of exorcists…not helpful
 
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I think you should see a doctor for your depression. I’m sorry your wife wasn’t supportive, but you really need to get some help for it.

And I’m sorry to hear what your wife’s been through, and what you are going through now. But this isn’t something you can fix by yourself. Your wife has to want to change and she has to put in the time and effort, none of which she seems to want to do.

Look after yourself. If your wife won’t change, you can’t do anything. You need to prioritise what’s best for you and your children.
 
Thank you for your reply…
Borderlines dont’t let you go easily.
I am italian living in italy but I am also an american citizen. My kids were born in NY. I was thinking that Maybe if bring my wife back to the U.S. it can help?! I don’t know, I feel like in a cage.
 
I used to work child and adolescent psych. I’ve worked with kids and teens with BPD. There’s no real cure. You can only manage it. I suggest you live somewhere you can get support from family and friends, esp. to help with your kids. Can you move to live near family, so they can help?

Be supportive. Don’t get drawn into arguing, yelling, or swearing. Make firm rules for the kids to follow, and insist that your wife support those rules, so that you minimize the bad effects on the kids.
 
My family and her family don’t help at all, they are pretty hostile. That make things worse since borderlines fear abandonment, and we have been abandoned. They don’t care about my children either. She probably would not be borderline if she had a supportive family. I remember when I was in the U.S. that our relationship was bad but not up to this point. We were alone and we moved back to Italy because we needed some help with our children: bad decision. Being in italy probably opened up some wounds: her mother only care for her narcissist son. I can live without any help from our families but she can’t.
 
You say you can’t leave because of the children, but my experience with BPD suggests that it could very possibly be unsafe for children in a home with a BPD parent. I’m not saying that would justify you leaving automatically, but you will need to think hard about the environment your children are living in and if they are safe. “Staying together for the children” does not apply if your children are experiencing harm.
 
The exorcist was to exclude spiritual problems. Unfortunately borderline rage resembles possession. I wish she possessed but she is not.

Tonight I suggested her to go to see a therapist and she said that will only go if I pay.

The thing that troubles me is the fact that she can control herself with other people but she is out of control with me, my mother or her mother.

Her behaviour looks sinful rather than a psychological issue.
 
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The age of the children materially impacts how you should proceed.
 
Tompot11 said:
Tonight I suggested her to go to see a therapist and she said that will only go if I pay.
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That’s great. You and your children would also benefit from some form of guidance, or therapy, by a qualified professional. If your wife’s BPD effects your children genetically, or gives them baggage, therapy right now will may help them to break any ongoing cycle, and help you to deal with this ongoing situation.
 
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That’s not true that she would go to see a therapist if I pay for it. She knows I cannnot afford it because I took a leave from work to look after my children. I am completely exhausted…
 
Could you clarify what you mean? I am sure the wife’s behavior will have different effects on the children at different ages, but if she’s harming them (psychologically or otherwise) the OP needs to protect them regardless of age.
 
How that’s best accomplished will vary depending on their ages. But yes, a poorly controlled BPD parent will be problematic for the children, regardless. It’s a matter of mitigating risk.

OP, are you comfortable providing ages?
 
You have my every sympathy, having separated from a spouse with multiple comorbid cluster B personality disorders. I consulted with police and a psychiatric crisis team, had him removed by police when his behaviours started indicating actual violent planning. It was the best decision I could have made. Your situation may be very different, but all BPD are extremely challenging when unmotivated to pursue treatment and self-manage meaningfully. I’m so sorry.

Given your children’s ages, I’d consult with a psychologist, and would recommend evaluating the following in conjunction with a child psychologist and family lawyer:
  • The damage the children are sustaining from daily contact with a (likely) BPD mother, with an understanding of both the interaction (any physical, emotional, psychological abuse, or neglect)
  • The likely arc of behaviour toward the children over the next 2 years
  • The likely custody and access arrangement you could expect
  • Ages at which your children’s views are strongly considered in family court (usually 12-14)
  • Availability of family or alternate caregivers/programs your children could attend while you work
  • Your children’s views (be careful not to use alienating behaviour toward their mother, ask about/listen to daily updates and identify patterns
  • A few counselling sessions for the children with a child psychologist to assess their perspectives and the larger attachment network the children have
Questions to consider:
  • How does your spouse act toward the children? - Is her behaviour actively harming them?
  • What is your safety plan in case your spouse begins overtly acting out or engaging in violence (towards self or others)? (Local police or family services offices provide these evaluations free
  • Has your spouse threatened suicide, made attempts, or does she have access to a firearm?
  • What is her most serious offence, and has her behaviour changed recently? If so, has her acting out worsened?
  • Do you have a documented record of incident reports, or even a journal (written contemporaneously, or a series of emails) of you observing the behaviour?
  • What is the relative emotional maturity of the children? Can they successfully defend one another when unfairly treated?
  • What positive role models do the children spend time with?
How unhappy are you in your relationship? Do you feel the children are physically or emotionally unsafe in their mother’s care? Do you think you exercise more influence over them than your spouse? At what age do you think the children could successfully avoid/re-frame their mother’s messaging if you divorced?

In my situation, the best decision was to stay until my child was school aged, then to pursue divorce. You may find a different solution is more appropriate for your family at this time.
 
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Also, if you have an opportunity, pick up a copy of “Splitting : Protecting Yoursed While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” It’s an excellent book, written by a gentleman who is both a licensed counsellor and family lawyer. It’s useful even if you don’t divorce, because it highlights problematic relational patterns BPD folks employ, and will give you a clear preview of what divorce/separation might entail vs remaining together.
 
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Hi OP, there is a Catholic speaker who was diagnosed with ptsd and BPD due to abuse during her childhood. She has a ministry and website called madeinhisimage.com

I think she would be happy to hear from you. She is one of the presenters right now on the praymoreretreats.org on the topic of healing.

Her diagnosis was prior to her marriage. Now she is happily married and with two children.
 
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