Breakups

[mandy2]

This was my first serious relationship and I really felt like we would always be together. He was at my house the night before he broke up with me. I just don’t know how to handle it I try sleeping and I keep waking up crying. I never knew this would hurt so much. I still feel a small sense of hope for our relationship but it’s so hard not knowing Just please pray whatever happens is God’s will. I’m sure it was Gods will for us to break up, idk if it means permanently or just to give us time to figure ourselves out. But I am crushed right now

 

[Joe_5859]

:console: Breakups are hard, particularly when you’re not the initiator of the break up. (I’ve been there several times.) It’s like they’ve had the time to think it through, sort it out internally, and even come to terms with it (to some degree). But then the news gets thrown on you all at once and there’s not really anything you can do about it.

I know it’s a cliché, but time really does help heal the wounds (with God’s help, of course). The pain will lessen as the days go by.

I know everyone is a bit different, but for me, it was always much better to close the door and move on. My one break up that was particularly bad was made even worse because I held on to some hope that the break up was only temporary and that we’d be together again soon. Holding on like that makes it much more difficult to move forward with your life. It will only extend the pain you are feeling. At least, that was my experience.

I don’t know if you’re looking for advice or not o), but I think that friendship after a break up is difficult to achieve. Everytime I was dumped, my impulse was to want to continue some awesome friendship with the girl (because, after all, she had become my close friend in addition to being my girlfriend). But in reality, what helped the most after a break up was a bit of distance. No phone calls. No emails. No hanging out. For at least a month (maybe more depending on how long you were dating).

Again, that’s just my experience so it may not be the same for you. But I found that even though I didn’t want that period of complete separation (after all – I was experiencing something traumatic so the only person I wanted to talk to about it was the one person I couldn’t talk to anymore), it was really what I needed.

And, again, God’s is there to help you along. Turn to Him, the Divine Physician. He is our Healer.

I will say a prayer for you.

 

[Ophelia23]

Indeed, breakups can hurt unimaginably so. Sometimes, the only thing we can do with this sort of hurt is to feel it. To sit in it for a little while. Let yourself grieve what has been lost, let yourself feel the emotions that you need to feel, and then move along. It will dissipate, I promise you. God will help you, I promise you. You will be okay. I promise you.

 

[St_Francis]

In addition to the excellent advice Joe and Ophelia have given, I have gotten better at offering up pain. I nust say a little prayer: All for Thee, dear Jesus, Who has suffered so much for me.

Not only does that generally help as it’s supposed to, but my mind generally goes over Christ’s passion a bit… in this case, His sorrow at Judas’s betrayal might come to mind and I am a bit united with Christ in His sorrow.

 

[manualman]

Been there, long ago. There’s no magic bullet. Just cling to God because He’ll never leave you alone. Things that helped me a lot: Some daily mass (never managed every day!), long bike rides, rosary hikes, and finding a group of believing catholic friends.

 

[mandy2]

:console: Breakups are hard, particularly when you’re not the initiator of the break up. (I’ve been there several times.) It’s like they’ve had the time to think it through, sort it out internally, and even come to terms with it (to some degree). But then the news gets thrown on you all at once and there’s not really anything you can do about it.

I know it’s a cliché, but time really does help heal the wounds (with God’s help, of course). The pain will lessen as the days go by.

I know everyone is a bit different, but for me, it was always much better to close the door and move on. My one break up that was particularly bad was made even worse because I held on to some hope that the break up was only temporary and that we’d be together again soon. Holding on like that makes it much more difficult to move forward with your life. It will only extend the pain you are feeling. At least, that was my experience.

I don’t know if you’re looking for advice or not o), but I think that friendship after a break up is difficult to achieve. Everytime I was dumped, my impulse was to want to continue some awesome friendship with the girl (because, after all, she had become my close friend in addition to being my girlfriend). But in reality, what helped the most after a break up was a bit of distance. No phone calls. No emails. No hanging out. For at least a month (maybe more depending on how long you were dating).

Again, that’s just my experience so it may not be the same for you. But I found that even though I didn’t want that period of complete separation (after all – I was experiencing something traumatic so the only person I wanted to talk to about it was the one person I couldn’t talk to anymore), it was really what I needed.

And, again, God’s is there to help you along. Turn to Him, the Divine Physician. He is our Healer.

I will say a prayer for you.

Thank you for your advice and prayers and he and I talked this morning and decided we’d still be friends. Because in a sense that’s basically what we were, best friends. And the thing about not being with them can’t really happen for us because we both help out at a youth group at my church and attend the meetings and adoration and we actually have a close knit group of friends at my church that always hang out. I think what we decided right now is to still be friends, just not more so that we can get ourselves right with God. It wasn’t really a fighting breakup more like we need to figure things out. Which is still hard because I like being more than friends…

 

[mandy2]

In addition to the excellent advice Joe and Ophelia have given, I have gotten better at offering up pain. I nust say a little prayer: All for Thee, dear Jesus, Who has suffered so much for me.

Not only does that generally help as it’s supposed to, but my mind generally goes over Christ’s passion a bit… in this case, His sorrow at Judas’s betrayal might come to mind and I am a bit united with Christ in His sorrow.

That’s great

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you for your advice and prayers and he and I talked this morning and decided we’d still be friends. Because in a sense that’s basically what we were, best friends. And the thing about not being with them can’t really happen for us because we both help out at a youth group at my church and attend the meetings and adoration and we actually have a close knit group of friends at my church that always hang out. I think what we decided right now is to still be friends, just not more so that we can get ourselves right with God. It wasn’t really a fighting breakup more like we need to figure things out. Which is still hard because I like being more than friends…

Oh, boy, the “just friends” thing. That is not easy, because of course you are not “just” friends and it will be a very long time before you are. (Although it does happen, sort of, eventually…you sometimes do get over the affection, and it becomes a sort of sentimental thing.)

My sense is that the best way to navigate the false part of the “just friends” period is to spend as much time as possible with other friends and to say as little possible to this just-ex-boyfriend as you can when you’re working together. You’re not ready to date again right away, of course, but you ought to still socialize and have fun where you can.

Keep in mind: this is what happens when you date someone at work and then break up. Take that as a warning, because in this lesson at least you don’t have to spend 8 hours a day trying to be “just friends” and you aren’t getting over an actual “fighting break-up.” Don’t date people at a job you can’t replace! Also, do not date the guy in your ministry who has been praying that you’d break up so he can swoop in and ask you out himself. Tell him it is too soon, and give him a rain check. (Yes, sometimes you break the “no one at work” rule. You just don’t do it lightly.)

If you are of legal drinking age, BTW, it’s better not to drink at all until you are less depressed, but if you do, keep it very light!! You are an excellent candidate for "designated driver!

 

[mandy2]

Been there, long ago. There’s no magic bullet. Just cling to God because He’ll never leave you alone. Things that helped me a lot: Some daily mass (never managed every day!), long bike rides, rosary hikes, and finding a group of believing catholic friends.

Yeah I think him and I just need to get ourselves right with God, because it’s our first relationship so it was easy for us to lose focus on God and more towards eachother. I still have hope for us to be together but I don’t want it to consume me and it not happen. And the good thing is I have been blessed with all catholic and awesome friends! I will definitely try these other things
Thanks!

 

[EasterJoy]

Yeah I think him and I just need to get ourselves right with God, because it’s our first relationship so it was easy for us to lose focus on God and more towards eachother. I still have hope for us to be together but I don’t want it to consume me and it not happen. And the good thing is I have been blessed with all catholic and awesome friends! I will definitely try these other things
Thanks!

Remember that St. Paul said that a married person will naturally be divided, since it is part of their state in life to be concerned with pleasing their spouse. He never said that was a bad thing. He said it was a trial that comes with that state in life, a trial he would spare that those who are not on fire to take on that state in life. If you’re going to be married, that is something you are going to have to cope with, even if you marry another believer. It is the work of the couple together to point each other towards God, not an individual work. When you marry, God will help you with balancing that, if you ask…God made you that way, it is OK.

If both of you feel that this situation of being divided is a situation that does not suit you spiritually, you ought to seriously consider whether or not you are called to the undivided life of the religious life. Perhaps you are being called away from that trial, and towards an easier and straighter path towards sanctity. (I’m not saying that married people cannot be saints, but only that God may be sparing you the trials of the saints called to marriage.)

 

[mandy2]

Remember that St. Paul said that a married person will naturally be divided, since it is part of their state in life to be concerned with pleasing their spouse. He never said that was a bad thing. He said it was a trial that comes with that state in life, a trial he would spare that those who are not on fire to take on that state in life. If you’re going to be married, that is something you are going to have to cope with, even if you marry another believer. It is the work of the couple together to point each other towards God, not an individual work. When you marry, God will help you with balancing that, if you ask…God made you that way, it is OK.

If both of you feel that this situation of being divided is a situation that does not suit you spiritually, you ought to seriously consider whether or not you are called to the undivided life of the religious life. Perhaps you are being called away from that trial, and towards an easier and straighter path towards sanctity. (I’m not saying that married people cannot be saints, but only that God may be sparing you the trials of the saints called to marriage.)

I used to feel like I was called to the religious life but like it wasn’t a joyful thing. I went through so much anxiety and honestly it was scary I couldn’t eat, sleep, focus on anything in life. I lost a good 15 pounds because of it. I still ran to God during this time, I just feel like if He were calling me to that why would it be such an awful time? And I think I would be okay with coping with keeping God center and having a relationship. I mean we did a pretty good job by always praying together and reading scripture and going to adoration ,etc. I think right now my boyfriend (ex) needs to figure his own relationship out with God right now. Thanks

 

[manualman]

I may be just a callous guy, but one of my major rules was that “just friends” doesn’t work after a breakup. You can’t make the break if you don’t make a BREAK. If the romantic interest is over for him, drop him completely. It’s easier in the long run.

 

[mandy2]

I may be just a callous guy, but one of my major rules was that “just friends” doesn’t work after a breakup. You can’t make the break if you don’t make a BREAK. If the romantic interest is over for him, drop him completely. It’s easier in the long run.

We both take part in all of our church functions. And I know that’s not something either of us would give up…

 

[Joe_5859]

Thank you for your advice and prayers and he and I talked this morning and decided we’d still be friends. Because in a sense that’s basically what we were, best friends. And the thing about not being with them can’t really happen for us because we both help out at a youth group at my church and attend the meetings and adoration and we actually have a close knit group of friends at my church that always hang out. I think what we decided right now is to still be friends, just not more so that we can get ourselves right with God. It wasn’t really a fighting breakup more like we need to figure things out. Which is still hard because I like being more than friends…

All of the girls who dumped me were also part of the same college Catholic groups that I was and the same circle of friends. Perhaps it’s just that in my case the circle was large enough to make avoidance possible (that and the tendency to get dumped at the end of the spring semester / start of the summer ). None of my breakups were the results of any big fights, either.

Again, this is just me, so it may not apply to you. As you mentioned you still have hopes of getting back together, it just reminded me of what I was thinking back then. And it didn’t turn out well for me. But far be it from me to assume that your situation is identical. I do know a few people who did manage to pull off the whole friends thing even after a break up. I’m sure it can be done. I never figured out how, though. If you can make it work, more power to you. For me, it helped to have distance and mentally close the door.

I just share my own experience in case it is helpful to you. If it’s not helpful, then at least my prayers will be of some help.

 

[EasterJoy]

I used to feel like I was called to the religious life but like it wasn’t a joyful thing. I went through so much anxiety and honestly it was scary I couldn’t eat, sleep, focus on anything in life. I lost a good 15 pounds because of it. I still ran to God during this time, I just feel like if He were calling me to that why would it be such an awful time? And I think I would be okay with coping with keeping God center and having a relationship. I mean we did a pretty good job by always praying together and reading scripture and going to adoration ,etc. I think right now my boyfriend (ex) needs to figure his own relationship out with God right now. Thanks

You may eventually get that call, we ought to always be ready for God to surprise us with what used to seem impossible, but I very much doubt that you’re getting a call right now. I say this because you’re not reporting the emotions of women I know who actually went on to join religious communities when they were close to answering their call. They report that being around the sisters made them feel better. They felt less anxious, more peaceful, when they were at the convent. They were scared in the “who me?” sense sometimes, but more in the “will I be found out as not as holy as these other women?” sense or “could something this wonderful really be for me?” sense, not the “I could never do this” sense. If they ever had the fear, that changed radically before they ever joined the convent. I doubt if a religious community would take you, if you reported that you feel the way you do. They don’t kidnap people!

I know more than one priest who says it was his girlfriend who told him, “You ought to reconsider the priest thing.” Then the guy went on to become a priest, and the woman went on to happily marry and have a family with somebody else…and very often the couple is very good friends with the priest!

As for you right now, realize that you’re going through a difficult time that many have gone through before you. It is not pleasant, but the difficult of it abates with time, and it could not be more normal.

 

[manualman]

We both take part in all of our church functions. And I know that’s not something either of us would give up…

Sorry, that’s not what I meant! You don’t have to avoid being in the same area code as the person, you just should avoid any real intimacy (in the relational, not physical sense). A group of friends going to a movie: sure! (sit by somebody else). Youth group: of course. You and him study for a test together at the library? Nope.

You get the idea. Clean break.

 

[mandy2]

All of the girls who dumped me were also part of the same college Catholic groups that I was and the same circle of friends. Perhaps it’s just that in my case the circle was large enough to make avoidance possible (that and the tendency to get dumped at the end of the spring semester / start of the summer ). None of my breakups were the results of any big fights, either.

Again, this is just me, so it may not apply to you. As you mentioned you still have hopes of getting back together, it just reminded me of what I was thinking back then. And it didn’t turn out well for me. But far be it from me to assume that your situation is identical. I do know a few people who did manage to pull off the whole friends thing even after a break up. I’m sure it can be done. I never figured out how, though. If you can make it work, more power to you. For me, it helped to have distance and mentally close the door.

I just share my own experience in case it is helpful to you. If it’s not helpful, then at least my prayers will be of some help.

That makes total sense and experiences are always good to share! And yeah it’s different for us because we live in a small town so it’s one of those things that we are all one group of friends. Thank you so much for praying

 

[Joe_5859]

That makes total sense and experiences are always good to share! And yeah it’s different for us because we live in a small town so it’s one of those things that we are all one group of friends. Thank you so much for praying

Yes, the Catholic group at my college numbered in the hundreds. Being in a small town does make it more difficult to avoid.

 

[underacloud]

Breakups suck, sorry Mandy. And there’s no quick fix.

As others have said, remaining friends immediately after a breakup is problematic. Often, one of them (in this case you) still wishes to be together and so the friendship does not progress on a normal basis. Often, and in my experience, a clean break is better for all.