Breastfeeding and libido

[guiltycatholic]

My baby was born nearly 7 months ago, and I have been doing completely “ecological” breastfeeding (no pacifiers, co-sleeping, on-demand feeding, etc) and have not had a return of fertility. My husband and I are very pleased that this is working to help us live God’s natural plan for spacing our children.

I plan to do baby-led weaning, which means that I will probably still be nursing this baby when the second one comes along and starts breastfeeding. That means I will have overlapping breastfeeding children until our last child weans. If God gives us the big family we want, that means I will be breastfeeding nonstop for the next couple of decades.

My only problem with this arrangement is that I seem to have almost no sex drive while I’m breastfeeding. I feel back to normal in all other ways since the birth, except I have very little desire or interest in sex anymore. Honestly, it’s a bit of a struggle to even *tolerate *the advances of my husband without a slight repulsion. He’s as attractive to me as ever, I’m just not interested in sexual interaction - even passionate kissing. I’m told this is within the range of “normal” reactions to the change in hormone levels during breastfeeding.

This leaves me with a lot of questions and also some resentment. Am I destined to NEVER have a sex drive again?? Surely God didn’t design the natural system of bearing children to include a stipulation that some women will never again have a desire for and enjoyment of sex. My sex drive was very high during my pregnancy before, will it come back during my next pregnancy even though I’ll probably still be breastfeeding this one? It’s not the end of the world if it never comes back, but someone please tell me it will! Our marriage would appreciate it.

 

[AAFJ1985]

From my own experience as a husband, I think this is quite normal. Our son was 16 months old when my wife got pregnant again and was feeding up to this time and until now (baby is due in Nov.) From my experience, the “drive” as you call it came back during this time despite her breastfeeding.

I don’t know much about “ecological” breast-feeding per se. I do know that despite the mixed content you’ll read about there is certainly no harm in feeding as long as you can - and possibly a wealth of health advantages. With that being said, my wife is currently 25 weeks pregnant and still feeding 3-4 times, on-demand, short while and I’m against it in her specific situation (first baby was born premature 1 month and feeding can cause premature contractions). 60% of the doctors we’ve seen don’t care either way, 30% say she should stop, 10% say she must stop - so it’s a mix (we travel a lot so she sees a lot of doctors!).

In your specific situation, and in my humble opinion, I think you should keep doing what your doing. Remember, your husband has needs and should be commended for his understanding and lifestyle in general. Having kids is tougher than you can imagine on the husband even if he doesn’t show it. Having that closeness with the wife that he can remember is really vital for your marriage and for him. I know its easier said than done but try to set time aside for these period of intimacy and things will be good! It might be a bit more difficult at first considering the more-than-normal hormonal situation of you breastfeeding but you absolutely positively need to remember your husband is #2. Sorry to simplify but it’s GOD → SPOUSE → THEN CHILDREN. The more you love God, the better spouse you are. The more you love your husband, the better mother. Everything else will fall in its place. Love God, love your husband, Appreciate everything he does, don’t neglect his feelings, and everything else will be ok!

God bless you and your family.

 

[mommamaree]

Yes this is a challenge. I am pregnant with my fourth child and working on weaning my third, who is 21 months. What totally changed my libido problem, and allowed me renewed interest in lovemaking a couple years ago was a series of conversations with my husband. I explained to him how I feel “touched out” and put upon when I have to nurse the baby all day and through the night (we do ecological BFing, too) and then have to meets the demands of my husband at night. I told him how I need to feel a little TLC, too, without expectations of it leading to lovemaking. He immediately saw the problem. He started being affectionate with me all the time, not just when he is in the mood. He started helping me with our children and housework more, to leave me with more energy in the evening for couple time. We did a lot more snuggling during sleep time. He took naps with me when possible just to maintain closeness. I, in turn, decided that since it takes two to tango, I would be more receptive to his advances. But the ground rules were, if he wanted “more”, he must say so using words. It was not fair to me to have to guess his intentions for affections. Conversely, if I was interested, the rule was that he needed to learn my signals so that I did not have to ask with words. These ground rules greatly improved our awareness of each other’s verbal and nonverbal cues. And his greater attentiveness, in and out of the bedroom, made me feel so loved that I soon felt my libido returning.
So, try talking about these issues of exhaustion, affection, communication with your hubby. It is his responsibility to woo his wife and take care of you and make you feel loved. In return, your increased receptivity will make him feel manly and accepted and loved. You will get back on the right track if you work together!