Bridal Shower question

[ACanthony]

Hello all! There is a girl at my workplace (I work in a department with about 30 people) who is getting married in March. This girl has always given me problems. I have prayed for her, but she is very rude (to put it nicely). She barely says hello to most people and she talks behind my back and also rats a lot of people out to our manager. She is Catholic, yet not getting married in the Church (although I don’t know if she is getting her marriage blessed by the Church). I received an invitation to her bridal shower at work. Now the person who came up with this idea in my opinion is goofy as well. She suggested we all donate $15 OR get her lingere. I frankly found that suggestion offensive. Why would I get her (or anyone who is not my wife) lingere? I do not even want to give $15 towards this. Am I right to not participate in this shower and also what should I tell the person running it? Opinions please! Thanks!

 

[lizaanne]

Give her a Mass card, and tell her you will be praying for her upcoming wedding.

And no - buying lingerie for anyone other than you wife is not a good idea.

~Liza

 

[kerebos]

Personally, I find the concept of a work {bridal|baby} shower rather tacky. You’re there to work, not to socialize. As such, you’re under no obligation to shirk your work duties to attend a social event. It is always acceptable to politely decline an invitation and you are not obligated to buy somebody a gift if you are declining an invitation.

I would not give her the Mass card and tell her you’d be praying for her as not to seem to be antagonizing about it, especially if she’s the type who would blow things out of proportion. Just politely decline and move on.

 

[EasterJoy]

“Thanks for remembering me on your guest list, but I’m sending my regrets. I won’t be participating.”

If she presses you for a reason, you don’t need to give one, if you don’t want to. You can just repeat yourself a bit more firmly. If you want to, you can tell the organizer that in your mind, bridal showers are social occasions, not professional ones, and that you and the bride have no social relationship outside of work. IMHO, the less you say about why you aren’t participating, the better, unless the topic comes up as a policy issue at a staff meeting.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Hello all! There is a girl at my workplace (I work in a department with about 30 people) who is getting married in March. This girl has always given me problems. I have prayed for her, but she is very rude (to put it nicely). She barely says hello to most people and she talks behind my back and also rats a lot of people out to our manager. She is Catholic, yet not getting married in the Church (although I don’t know if she is getting her marriage blessed by the Church). I received an invitation to her bridal shower at work. Now the person who came up with this idea in my opinion is goofy as well. She suggested we all donate $15 OR get her lingere. I frankly found that suggestion offensive. Why would I get her (or anyone who is not my wife) lingere? I do not even want to give $15 towards this. Am I right to not participate in this shower and also what should I tell the person running it? Opinions please! Thanks!

You are a man and were given an invitation to a bridal shower and informed to give lingerie?

That’s very odd. I could not imagine any way it could be appropriate to solicit lingerie from male co-workers.

Normally showers are all ladies or if they are co–ed then couples are invited.

You don’t need to do anything, simply decline the invitation.

 

[ACanthony]

Thanks for your suggestions everyone! I guess I’m always trying to not take myself too seriously and I make an effort to be very light hearted so when I come across a situation where I have to put my foot down sometimes I second guess myself. Thank you

 

[Joe_5859]

You are a man and were given an invitation to a bridal shower and informed to give lingerie?

That’s very odd. I could not imagine any way it could be appropriate to solicit lingerie from male co-workers.

Normally showers are all ladies or if they are co–ed then couples are invited.

You don’t need to do anything, simply decline the invitation.

I agree, this is bizarre. I assumed the OP must be female until he mentioned his wife. Then I was like, “Wait, they’re asking guys – married guys – to buy lingerie for a female co-worker???” That’s disturbing.

 

[anp1215]

I can’t believe that you, as a man, were invited to give a WOMAN lingerie for a BRIDAL shower at WORK.

Can anyone say sexual harassment suit?

Honestly, I would bring the matter to the boss’s attention. Organizing a shower and asking coworkers to contribute monetary gifts is one thing (though very tacky) but soliciting lingerie is another. That is creating an uncomfortable work environment.

You don’t have to do this, but I’m just saying it’s what I would do.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Am I right to not participate in this shower and also what should I tell the person running it? Opinions please! Thanks!

In writing, to the hostess: Thank you very much for the invitation to Mary’s shower. Unfortunately I must send my regrets.

If you want you can give Mary a note with a $15 gift card to an innocuous store (e.g., Target) with your wishes for a happy marriage.

Luna

 

[kerebos]

I agree, this is bizarre. I assumed the OP must be female until he mentioned his wife. Then I was like, “Wait, they’re asking guys – married guys – to buy lingerie for a female co-worker???” That’s disturbing.

My guess is that it was a gift grab. They’re inviting everybody they know in an attempt to garner as many gifts as possible. That’s why I also pointed out that one is not obligated to give a gift if the invitation is declined. Most people would still feel some obligation to give a gift just because an invitation was received, and the hosts are counting on this.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Yeah… totally inappropriate…

Now, it’s one thing for your co-workers to do something nice… at my workplace it’s custom to have a cake and maybe give a group gift card to the location where you’re registered (for weddings or babies)… those who want to donate do, those who don’t aren’t pressured.

But lingerie? Weird and very inappropriate.

(For the record, I only had this happen for me with my first 2 kids… #3 and #4 got no such attention. )

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Um…creepy. No lingerie! Yuck!

Etiquette does not dictate that you go, only that if you don’t you respectfully decline and give the bride your best wishes.

However, we all do things for the sake of our careers that we would rather not. No, I’m not required to do happy hour, but I do to make better connections with my co-workers and bosses, and to keep everyone happy. It helps my career in the long run. You may want to consider the $15 dollars and 2 hours an investment in your career.

 

[anp1215]

My guess is that it was a gift grab. They’re inviting everybody they know in an attempt to garner as many gifts as possible. That’s why I also pointed out that one is not obligated to give a gift if the invitation is declined. Most people would still feel some obligation to give a gift just because an invitation was received, and the hosts are counting on this.

I HATE those. Inviting someone to a shower that you never even speak to. I used to work (briefly) with a girl who ended up quitting, later getting married, and having a baby. I was friends with her on Facebook but literally never, ever talked to her, aside from the few times I would comment on a picture of hers or status, only to receive no response at all. Then she sends me a message one day asking me for my address so she can send me a baby shower invitation.

Do people really not realize how rude they are?

 

[catharina]

Hello all! There is a girl at my workplace (I work in a department with about 30 people) who is getting married in March. This girl has always given me problems. I have prayed for her, but she is very rude (to put it nicely). She barely says hello to most people and she talks behind my back and also rats a lot of people out to our manager. She is Catholic, yet not getting married in the Church (although I don’t know if she is getting her marriage blessed by the Church). I received an invitation to her bridal shower at work. Now the person who came up with this idea in my opinion is goofy as well. She suggested we all donate $15 OR get her lingere. I frankly found that suggestion offensive. Why would I get her (or anyone who is not my wife) lingere? I do not even want to give $15 towards this. Am I right to not participate in this shower and also what should I tell the person running it? Opinions please! Thanks!

You’ve received some very good answers.
However I have to ask about the line bolded above:
“although I don’t know if she is getting her marriage blessed by the Church” -
because I’ve never heard of it so I don’t know what it means. What does it mean?

 

[Em_in_FL]

You’ve received some very good answers.
However I have to ask about the line bolded above:
“although I don’t know if she is getting her marriage blessed by the Church” -
because I’ve never heard of it so I don’t know what it means. What does it mean?

For those who choose to have a wedding outside the church first (for whatever reason… before they revert to their faith, or wanting that “special beach wedding”… nothing encouraged or endorsed by the church)…
… They can, after the fact, have their marriage “blessed” in the eyes of the Church… “renewing their vows”…

 

[maplebug55]

no guy should give any gal a bridal shower gift.
it is a girl thing!!!

 

[anp1215]

You’ve received some very good answers.
However I have to ask about the line bolded above:
“although I don’t know if she is getting her marriage blessed by the Church” -
because I’ve never heard of it so I don’t know what it means. What does it mean?

I think the OP was more referring to the fact that, though she is not marrying inside a Catholic Church, she could still be marrying according to the laws of the Church.

For example, if the lady in question is marrying a non-Catholic, she could have received permission to marry her fiance at a Protestant church, or on the beach, or wherever. As long as she gets permission, this marriage will still be “blessed” in the Church, as in, the couple will be seen as married by the Church.

 

[ACanthony]

Well I’m glad everyone agrees that the whole lingerie thing was creepy as well!! Sometimes at work, with whatever people talk about, I just feel like I’m on another planet! I am definitely going to respectfully decline.

I actually do not have a wife, but I’m saying in general, I don’t feel it’s appropriate to give a woman lingerie unless she is actually your wife.

 

[anp1215]

Well I’m glad everyone agrees that the whole lingerie thing was creepy as well!! Sometimes at work, with whatever talks about, I just feel like I’m on another planet! I am definitely going to respectfully decline.

I actually do not have a wife, but I’m saying in general, I don’t feel it’s appropriate to give a woman lingerie unless she is actually your wife.

You are correct!

 

[Em_in_FL]

Well I’m glad everyone agrees that the whole lingerie thing was creepy as well!! Sometimes at work, with whatever talks about, I just feel like I’m on another planet! I am definitely going to respectfully decline.

I actually do not have a wife, but I’m saying in general, I don’t feel it’s appropriate to give a woman lingerie unless she is actually your wife.

Agree completely!