Bridesmaid Question

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Hi All,
My friend or I should say bestfriend, has recently got engaged. She has been dating her now fiance for almost 3 years. I know she wants me to be her maid-of-honor at her wedding, help her plan her wedding, help her dress shop, etc. All this is normally fun for two bestfriends but I dont know if I can or should do this…
The reason is because ever since she and her fiance started dating back in 2009, I have been pretty much kicked to the curb. Now in the beginning it wasn’t so bad, I attended a football game with them, went to dinner with them and one of his roommates but as time as gone on it’s gotten worse. I ask her to go to dinner, the beach or even a movie and 99.9% of the time she says she cant. Since February her reason is that her Dad has cancer and she has to take care of him. I TOTALLY understand that but the other 2 years the excuse was she didn’t have money, she had homework, etc BUT she sure found the time to hangout with her fiance and go places with him. Even with her Dad having cancer and having to help her family take care of him now, she travels to see her fiances family a couple hours away but I have to pull teeth to get her to have lunch with me. She also says she doesnt have money for a lot of things which I understand but the beach is basically free yet she finds an excuse not to go with me, yet she goes to dinner and everywhere else with her fiance because he pays for it.
I know it might sound like Im jealous and I probably am but this is my “bestfriend.”
My problem is I dont know if I fit the maid-of-honor roll anymore. We barely hangout and her fiance and I do not speak. Granted we both are quiet but I get the feeling he doesnt want to get to know me. I mean we went to a college football game and he totally ignored me. I felt so horrible that night. It feels really bad to be the third wheel.
On one hand I feel like I should do it because she was/is my bestfriend but on the other hand the maid of honor should know the bride inside and out, should be able to count on her, etc but I feel like I do now know my “bestfriend” anymore. We barely hangout anymore, maybe once or twice a month and only speak through occassional text message otherwise.
I have never spoken to her about this and some may wonder why and it is because I dont want to come across as a jealous friend who is envious of some guy. I am truly happy she found someone and she deserves to be happy but I never thought a guy would come between us like this.
 
I was asked to be a bridesmaid in my childhood friend’s wedding last summer and we had not been really close since we graduated from high school. I felt like I was ignored for those years in between. BUT, it was an honor to be asked and I knew it would likely be the last time we spent any quality time together…and it was. It was a challenge as she was kind of a “bridezilla” and there were times it drove me nuts, but I knew it would be worse if I said no. Oh, and I did not have a single conversation with her fiance that I remember. But we were 600 miles apart and I was only down there for a week before the wedding. He was very quiet too.

Seeing she asked you, I am sure she values your friendship despite how you see it.

It’s completely up to you; it is a bit of a sacrifice and a lot of work…but the major consideration is what each choice will do to your relationship with your friend.

I wish you well!
 
The best friends are ones who forgive you when you are not the best friend to them.
 
I get what you’re saying. And it would be a kind gesture to accept the offer if it is within your time/budget constraints. The face that she hasn’t had a lot of time for you lately could be overlooked… and you might end up with a happy memory that you will always be grateful for.

In either case, your decision. And no right or wrong choice.
 
Whatever you decide, decide quickly so that the wedding plans can keep moving.

If you refuse, refuse politely and with dignity. Don’t say any of this stuff you’ve said here. Say that you’ve got too many other prior commitments, so that even though you’d love to help, you just can’t.
 
on the other hand the maid of honor should know the bride inside and out, should be able to count on her, etc but I feel like I do now know my “bestfriend” anymore. We barely hangout anymore, maybe once or twice a month and only speak through occassional text message otherwise.
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You do not need to be best friends with someone to be the witness at their marriage. In theory, you don’t even have to like the person. If you want to participate, don’t let this excuse stop you.
 
Katholish said:
You do not need to be best friends with someone to be the witness at their marriage. In theory, you don’t even have to like the person. If you want to participate, don’t let this excuse stop you.
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You also don’t have to pay for a bunch of parties and what have you. Really, all a maid of honor has to do is witness the marriage and sign the the marriage license.
 
If you still love her and feel like she is still your bff, then say yes. If you feel like you’ve grown apart and you’re no longer close and you don’t want to be her bridesmaid - say no.

It sounds like her life is really busy - with her fiance, school work, sick Dad etc. It’s not like she dumped you for new friends - she was just preoccupied with other stuff and probably mostly her fiance which is normal.
 
I say your experience is normal when one best friend is moving towards married life and the other best friend isn’t at the point yet. Your best friend actually seems to have her priorities in the proper order and that may be hard for you to read, but her family and her future family should have her attention before you. Especially if her dad is dying of cancer. Instead of asking to do things socially, have you asked her how you can help with her duties as a daughter caring for a sick parent? Doing social activities such as going to the beach and having lunch are not the only way you could be spending time with your best friend. I don’t know if you’ve considered that watching a parent die is one of THE hardest things a person can go through. She’s going through two life changing events in her life right now, planning a wedding and planning for her father’s death. Those are HUGE, she is never going to be the same person as you knew her before all this took place.

Being asked to be the maid of honor is a huge honor, one that is based on the relationship you have had over time, not just in the present. This is your chance to be close with your best friend again, if that’s what you really want. I’d talk to her ASAP and tell her how you’ve been feeling. BUT, rejecting her request to be her maid of honor, I’m going to tell you from experiencing something similar, you’re never going to have the same friendship you once had, your friendship will be altered forever. I’m hearing you do what to be close again, not sure how to do that, but rejecting this honor, is only going to drive you further apart. Someday you may be on the other side of this situation and realize how much you gave up if you do not want to be your friend’s maid of honor and be there for her on her wedding day.
 
I agree with PatriceA. I understand your hurt, but this young lady seems like she has her priorities in order. Once she is married, and certainly when/if she has children, it will be even more pronounced. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you anymore or is doing anything wrong. But I would say she owes her father and her soon-to-be husband most of her time and energy at this point in her life.
 
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