Bringing Babies to Mass

[Sparki777]

I’m a little surprised that no one has mentioned that their parish offers child care (perhaps I missed it).

At our parish, the parents provide child care. We have no nursery.

I don’t enjoy tending my squirmy, fussing, grabby, talkative, crying, hungry, tired, or bored toddler (or baby) whilst I’m trying to participate in the mass and help my older children learn about their religion.

There are many aspects of parenting that are not enjoyable. But there is no reason that a small child or baby need to be hungry, tired or bored at Mass (which would lead to the squirming and fussing and crying). Don’t all parents know how to make sure their child is clean, well-fed, NOT tired and content for an hour?

IMHO, every parish should have a children’s mass and every children’s mass should also have child care for kids younger than 3. Donuts (and coffee!!!), CCD, and a little time on the playground to unwind follows mass. Repeat weekly.

Having been protestant and watched children shuffled away for the service and then suddenly brought back in (middle school age or so), I disagree with the concept of a children’s Mass and child care. Mass is for everybody and families should go to worship together. There is no better way for a child to learn than by participating right alongside Mom & Dad.

So I suppose in some respects I agree with FlyingFish. If you go into a mass and there are a dozen or more toddlers in there - that parish could come up with a better answer.

There is routinely 20 or more babies and toddlers at the Sunday Mass that my family attends. Maybe one or two will make a little noise during Mass, and they are taken straight out until they calm down. It’s no big deal. It’s better to welcome children than to reject them.

PS: Mom of three, ages 10, 7 and 6.

 

[Orleans_Attny]

There are many aspects of parenting that are not enjoyable. But there is no reason that a small child or baby need to be hungry, tired or bored at Mass (which would lead to the squirming and fussing and crying). Don’t all parents know how to make sure their child is clean, well-fed, NOT tired and content for an hour?

You realize that I was talking about toddlers, right? You are a very lucky person if your 18mo-2yo children would sit quitely for an hour and color or play with a toy. It’s not necessarily about being fussy, it’s about being a baby. My inquisitve 2 yo is not going to sit there without talking to his brother, mother, me, old lady behind him, etc.

I’m not talking about newborns that sleep until they’re hungry and eat until they’re sleepy.

. . . . There is no better way for a child to learn than by participating right alongside Mom & Dad.

You’ll notice that I bring my kids to mass from 3 yo on (and earlier if I don’t have a child-care option).

But, two-year-old kids aren’t learning much in mass. In fact, I’d venture to say they’re learning more by interacting with the other kids in child care. The concept of religion and worship are pretty much beyond them at that age.

Could I teach them to cross themselves and bow to the Eucharist? Sure. But that’s not piety, that’s a cute party trick.

Pax,
OA

PS: This reminds me of a funny story. A good friend of mine met us for dinner one day. She was a bit stressed out and mentioned that she was so upset with her daughter who had her at her wit’s end. Why? Because her 2-year-old daughter just couldn’t manage to be still while they did stations of the cross.

We were having wine with two other couples as my friend related her story. And everyone else - the ones who were more experienced parents - burst out laughing.

"Well darling, of course she can’t. She’s 2!!!"

 

[Sparki777]

You realize that I was talking about toddlers, right? You are a very lucky person if your 18mo-2yo children would sit quitely for an hour and color or play with a toy.

They didn’t always. My kids all embarrassed me from time to time, and my kids all were hauled out of Mass for being terribly distracting or naughty. But if they had been in child care or a children’s Mass for X years, they would not have learned to participate in Mass as quickly as they have by coming with us for all this time.

My inquisitve 2 yo is not going to sit there without talking to his brother, mother, me, old lady behind him, etc.

My youngest was also very social and still is very inquisitive at age 6. This is why we taught her to whisper and before she was 1 year old spent the hour of 10 a.m. to 11 a.m. every day of the week being very quiet and only speaking in whispers to train her to be quiet for an hour at a time. Expecting a child to remember from Sunday to Sunday simply isn’t practical. It took many months, and she still forgets sometimes and must be reminded to stay focused on what is happening at Mass, but it would have taken far longer if we hadn’t worked at it daily.

But, two-year-old kids aren’t learning much in mass.

They aren’t if nobody is teaching them anything during Mass. I started helping my kids make the sign of the cross as soon as they could grasp toys (3-4 months old). I started teaching my kids to say “Amen” and “Lord, hear our prayer” as soon as they could speak in sentences. I started whispering to them what Father was doing at the altar when they were really young, maybe 12-15 months to direct their attention.

I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have received that kind of one-on-one education in any sort of child care or children’s Mass program. It wasn’t easy, and I was frequently frustrated because all of my kids had the ability to be monstrously naughty. It was particularly difficult when my girls were 1 & 2 – really tough ages. It seemed like one or the other was in constant need of instruction, reprimand or removal. However, looking back on it, it was an excellent investment. Now that they are 10, 7 and 6, I get compliments on how well they behave and participate in Mass.

In fact, I’d venture to say they’re learning more by interacting with the other kids in child care.

I agree that interacting with other kids in child care can provide many important lessons, in terms of sharing toys, taking turns, etc., but I fail to see how child care – where they can neither see nor hear the Mass – can teach a kid to participate in Mass.

The concept of religion and worship are pretty much beyond them at that age.

I disagree. My kids were all capable of showing love and concern to me and their dad and their siblings when they were 1 or 2 – why could they not also show love to God?

Could I teach them to cross themselves and bow to the Eucharist? Sure. But that’s not piety, that’s a cute party trick.

Is it a “cute party trick” to teach a toddler to kiss his dad, hug his sibling, offer a tissue to a crying playmate or pet the dog gently? I daresay you would say no.

Neither is it a “cute party trick” to show honor and devotion to God, unless you think God is a fairy tale.

 

[Orleans_Attny]

Is it a “cute party trick” to teach a toddler to kiss his dad, hug his sibling, offer a tissue to a crying playmate or pet the dog gently? I daresay you would say no.

Neither is it a “cute party trick” to show honor and devotion to God, unless you think God is a fairy tale.

I didn’t write that to offend you, indeed I wasn’t even fully aware that you were the one who posted it earlier.

What I meant by it was this: It’s a reflexive act that doesn’t hold any personal significance to the 2 year old. I could teach my 2yo son to bow and genuflect before the Eucharist - without a doubt I could teach him to do that.

But when we got home, he’d probably bow and genuflect before a Ritz cracker.

And that’s what I meant by it being a cute party trick. The analytical aspect of the devotion is missing. Just like teaching a child to pet a dog gently isn’t about not hurting the dog, it’s about following guidance. And though kissing mommy or daddy makes the parent feel wonderful, initially that act has no real significance for the child. And though it’s sweet to offer a tissue to a classmate - seriously, we’re talking about a 2 yo. They are most likely to offer a tissue in order to get the classmate to drop Thomas the Train to he or she can run off with it.

Every parent has a different viewpoint. And please don’t think I dismiss your parenting - I don’t! I simply have a different philosophy on parenting and a different basis upon which that belief is ground.

Truly, to each their own - I wasn’t making fun of you.

Pax,
OA

 

[flyingfish]

My mother recently told me that between age of 1 and 2 she taught me to “read” short words to the amazement of others (such as her dinner guests). I wasn’t really reading, my mom just had me memorize a few words.

I don’t even remember that, but to my mom’s unsuspecting friends it looked like I was reading.

A baby especially is never going to remember having been in Church, most likely it can’t even tell the difference between Church and other places. Maybe once the child is 3 or so there would be some awareness. Just think about when your earliest memories are from.

 

[rayne89]

My mother recently told me that between age of 1 and 2 she taught me to “read” short words to the amazement of others (such as her dinner guests). I wasn’t really reading, my mom just had me memorize a few words.

I don’t even remember that, but to my mom’s unsuspecting friends it looked like I was reading.

A baby especially is never going to remember having been in Church, most likely it can’t even tell the difference between Church and other places. Maybe once the child is 3 or so there would be some awareness. Just think about when your earliest memories are from.

Whether or not a child remembers, Jesus is fully present at Mass -body, blood, soul and divinity. That’s not something I would have them miss without serious reason.

 

[Sparki777]

What I meant by it was this: It’s a reflexive act that doesn’t hold any personal significance to the 2 year old. I could teach my 2yo son to bow and genuflect before the Eucharist - without a doubt I could teach him to do that.

But when we got home, he’d probably bow and genuflect before a Ritz cracker.

I still disagree. A 2-year-old is capable of love and capable of discerning which people are his family and which are not. A 2-year-old is capable of empathy.

I equate it to teaching a child to say “sorry.” When your youngest was 1 or 2 and whacked an older sibling, did you not teach him, “That is wrong! We do not hit. Tell your brother you are sorry.”

Regardless of what his intellectual capacity was at that moment, it was important for both him AND the sibling he hit to go through the apology. You were shaping your youngest child’s character, helping him grow into an empathetic person who was concerned about others. And you were showing the older kid who got whacked that he was important to you and that the relationship between him and the youngest was an important thing that you were invested in.

In the same way, I believe it’s important to help shape our kids’ character in relationship to God as they grow older. So teaching them to make the sign of the cross or to genuflect at a very young age and telling them why (I used to point to the tabernacle and tell my kids, “That’s Jesus’ little house, so we genuflect to show Him that we know He’s there and we love Him.”) is part of it. And if the child thinks they can genuflect to a Ritz cracker later, we take the time to point out that the cracker isn’t Jesus, so we don’t genuflect to that. We only do that action for Jesus.

 

[Sparki777]

My mother recently told me that between age of 1 and 2 she taught me to “read” short words to the amazement of others (such as her dinner guests). I wasn’t really reading, my mom just had me memorize a few words.

I don’t even remember that, but to my mom’s unsuspecting friends it looked like I was reading.

It’s a fun thing to do. When my father, an artist, was coming to visit and my oldest was not quite one, I sat down with an art book and taught my kid to say, “Monet”, “Manet,” “Renoir”, “Chagall” and “Van Gogh” while pointing to the corresponding paintings. It was a cute party trick, and my father laughed and laughed.

But my son is 10 now and he can still correctly identify which painting is a Monet and which is a Renoir.

A baby especially is never going to remember having been in Church, most likely it can’t even tell the difference between Church and other places. Maybe once the child is 3 or so there would be some awareness. Just think about when your earliest memories are from.

It’s not about an adult or older child remembering that he/she went to Mass when he/she was a baby. It’s about the baby/toddler growing up in Mass and remembering it from one week to the next.

My kids were all well aware that they were in church and not a grocery store well before they were 3, and they are all plain old ordinary kids, not geniuses.

 

[SMHW]

Welcome Home!
do what works for your family, for your children, the new baby may change the dynamics greatly, and you may have to change your plan for a few months during toddler-hood, some kids simply cannot be in public at that age. Each child is different from every other child, and is different at different ages, and 2 or 3 babies and pre-schoolers is different than one baby. Go with the flow, be prepared to admit there may be months at a time where you have to take turns going to Mass alone. I am sure there are great parents who can make 6 kids under 10 behave during Mass, hallaluiah for them, but don’t feel guilty if you have to arrange things differently. If anybody in church gives you a look when babies cry or toddlers misbehave, tell them Annie says MYOB. Any religion whose primary tenets include married couples being open to life has to accept children of any age at Mass.

I think parents should take their children to Mass as much as possible when they are babies, toddlers, and preschoolers. But each child, every parent, and each family is different. Some families have good reasons not to bring their young children to Mass for a time.

I can only offer encouragement to families who do take their children to Mass with them and likewise to families who find that they must do otherwise for a season of time.

 

[Jennifer_J]

We have always taken our children to mass from birth onward. We attend as a family. Sometimes that means one of us might have to take a child out to the Narthex, but we deal with it and move on. We sit up front so the little ones can see. We avoid the cry room. Since we have a large family, attending separately just wouldn’t be a good course of action for us. The older children should see the family attend together. The older children are good role models for the younger children. I can see my little ones learning things much earlier, because they imitate their big brother/sister. That’s the value of attending together.

We should also not devalue the grace available to everyone at Mass, whether they understand everything or not. Grace is a free gift from God, not dependent on ones understanding or level of Mass participation.

As for receiving Eucharist, learn how to receive on your tongue, then you can hold baby’s hands to keep the grabbing under control. You can also start to tell baby not to grab at things “We don’t grab Jesus” as you are going up to receive.

Ultimately this is a decision each family must make. Just know attendance by the whole family is possible, it just takes more energy. But one is not more “righteous”, one just may work better for you and your family.

 

[jilly4ski]

My mother recently told me that between age of 1 and 2 she taught me to “read” short words to the amazement of others (such as her dinner guests). I wasn’t really reading, my mom just had me memorize a few words.

I don’t even remember that, but to my mom’s unsuspecting friends it looked like I was reading.

A baby especially is never going to remember having been in Church, most likely it can’t even tell the difference between Church and other places. Maybe once the child is 3 or so there would be some awareness. Just think about when your earliest memories are from.

This is funny. My son just turned one and he clearly knows he is not at home and not in the grocery store or the mall. Mass has pretty lights in the ceiling that he likes to looks at during Mass. He gets to be around all the people in the pew, mommy sings pretty at Mass, and he knows that he has to sit on my lap and can’t get down or go to daddy.

He might not remember going to Mass at age one when he is 15, but he clearly has short term memory and remembers Mass week from week.

 

[RedSoxWife]

A baby especially is never going to remember having been in Church, most likely it can’t even tell the difference between Church and other places. Maybe once the child is 3 or so there would be some awareness. Just think about when your earliest memories are from.

My 22 month old definitely knows that she’s supposed to behave differently at Mass and when we’re at a park. At the park she runs wild. At Mass she sits quietly, especially during the Liturgy of the Eucharist, and stares at what Father’s doing (hence sitting in the front row). She’s expected to behave and for 90% of the time she does. We take her out the other 10% (today was one of those days) have a 20 second time out staring at the side of the church, and then go back in. She was silent for the rest of the time and paid attention to what was going on.

Anyone who’s spent even a tiny bit of time around a toddler knows that most of them are very aware of where they…

 

[flyingfish]

My 22 month old definitely knows that she’s supposed to behave differently at Mass and when we’re at a park. At the park she runs wild. At Mass she sits quietly, especially during the Liturgy of the Eucharist, and stares at what Father’s doing (hence sitting in the front row). She’s expected to behave and for 90% of the time she does. We take her out the other 10% (today was one of those days) have a 20 second time out staring at the side of the church, and then go back in. She was silent for the rest of the time and paid attention to what was going on.

Anyone who’s spent even a tiny bit of time around a toddler knows that most of them are very aware of where they…

Well, does she intellectually realize that she is in Church, and she is supposed to be quiet because it is a holy place of worship and it would be disrespectful to God to be disruptive? Or does she see you sitting still and the people around you sitting still and emulate that?

I just find it hard to believe that a child that young can have any kind of awareness of the more advanced concepts.

My first memories are from when I was between 2 and 3, they’re very brief and very vague. So are my memories from when I was 4 and 5. I hadn’t thought about God until I was maybe 6 or 7.

 

[choy]

my baby is 5 weeks old. my wife and i have agreed not to take him to church yet because he still is always fussy when hungry, and may be a distraction during mass. plus, my wife is part of the choir, so i’ll be all alone with the baby and for some reason he doesn’t want to calm down when i’m handling him

so it will depend on your situation really. if you can control your children enough that they are not distractions to other people, by all means bring them. but if they are enough of a distraction to others or to yourself (you constantly have to take them outside that you yourself wouldn’t be able to hear the full mass) then perhaps its a good idea you’d take turns going to mass. thats what we do now

 

[Sparki777]

My first memories are from when I was between 2 and 3, they’re very brief and very vague. So are my memories from when I was 4 and 5. I hadn’t thought about God until I was maybe 6 or 7.

As an adult, your memories of childhood are vague. But a 2-year-old’s memory of last week isn’t vague. A 3-year-old’s memory of last month can be quite vivid. A 4-year-old can remember more of what happened when he was three than an adult can remember of what happened when she was three, because the memory is still fresh for the child, but stale for the adult.

Again, it’s the child’s memory from WEEK TO WEEK (or day to day for families that attend daily Mass) that is what is important. Please let me know that you have read and understood this point, because you keep going back to adult memories of childhood and a number of us now have said that’s not what matters.

We can teach our toddlers to use a spoon because we give them the spoon at every meal, every day, and they master it quickly. If we held off on the spoon until they could understand the higher concepts of etiquette, we couldn’t very well expect them to suddenly understand how to use a spoon, could we? And if some special occasion – such as a birthday party – dictates giving the child a spoon before they’ve hit that level of understanding, we couldn’t possibly expect the child to know how to use it, correct?

So it is with Mass. Take them regularly, teach them while they are there, and a parent can help the child grow up participating in and understanding Mass. Keep the kid out of Mass until they’ve reached whatever threshold of intellectual capacity you think is adequate, and the task if far more challenging, because it will all be new to the kid, not familiar. And if you have to take the kid to a wedding or funeral Mass before they’ve hit the threshold, you’re in for it because the child won’t have had any training in how to behave at Mass.

 

[CountrySinger]

I like seeing the babies and toddlers at Mass, except when they are throwing things or screaming so loud it gives the whole church a headache. But making baby noise is fine. For some reason, people think I have kids already, so I sometimes get baby duty even from people I’ve just met.
I haven’t gone to Mass in a while, but the babies were so cute. Now I’m looking at a more urban parish, which is mostly singles and young married couples, very few families.
And babies and toddlers have more awareness than people realize. They just can’t vocalize it.

 

[flyingfish]

As an adult, your memories of childhood are vague. But a 2-year-old’s memory of last week isn’t vague. A 3-year-old’s memory of last month can be quite vivid. A 4-year-old can remember more of what happened when he was three than an adult can remember of what happened when she was three, because the memory is still fresh for the child, but stale for the adult.

Again, it’s the child’s memory from WEEK TO WEEK (or day to day for families that attend daily Mass) that is what is important. Please let me know that you have read and understood this point, because you keep going back to adult memories of childhood and a number of us now have said that’s not what matters.

We can teach our toddlers to use a spoon because we give them the spoon at every meal, every day, and they master it quickly. If we held off on the spoon until they could understand the higher concepts of etiquette, we couldn’t very well expect them to suddenly understand how to use a spoon, could we? And if some special occasion – such as a birthday party – dictates giving the child a spoon before they’ve hit that level of understanding, we couldn’t possibly expect the child to know how to use it, correct?

So it is with Mass. Take them regularly, teach them while they are there, and a parent can help the child grow up participating in and understanding Mass. Keep the kid out of Mass until they’ve reached whatever threshold of intellectual capacity you think is adequate, and the task if far more challenging, because it will all be new to the kid, not familiar. And if you have to take the kid to a wedding or funeral Mass before they’ve hit the threshold, you’re in for it because the child won’t have had any training in how to behave at Mass.

I’m not arguing that children should not be taken to mass, but if they are making noise the parent should promptly take them outside the church so that other people don’t have their mass ruined by a screaming child.

 

[mark_a]

I have four girls, ranging in age from 3 months to 7 years. I’ve struggled with this since the first was born. While you will get a number of opinions, I am personally in favor of taking the kids to mass from day one. You don’t keep them in church if they’re screaming, or if they need to be changed, but if you’re albe to keep them reasonably quiet and not running about then by all means, have them with you. Some people will probably be distracted, and heaven knows it would be easier for you to leave them at home, but you’re right…Jesus loved the children, and the church is their home too. I like the way it was phrased to me once: “we go through hell so our kids can get to heaven.”

I’m with you.

Our pastor wants children and babies at the front of the church, too. He even takes time after mass to talk with parents who are concerned about their children’s potentially disruptive behavior. He tells the kids he wants them in the front. He makes eye contact with them when they sit up front.

Best of all, they behave.

 

[SMHW]

I just find it hard to believe that a child that young can have any kind of awareness of the more advanced concepts.

I would have to say that young children (say from ages about 2 through 5) vary greatly in their general awareness and their ability to handle more abstract concepts. For the most part, I’d say the more verbal the child, the more likely the child understands the concepts of God, heaven, life after death, and such. Some children are speaking in full sentences with subjects, verbs, objects, and prepositional phrases by the time they are eighteen months old. Others are still using one or two word phrases at age three. We were having some pretty abstract religious conversations with my son when he was only two years old. My daughters took a few more years before they were ready for such topics. (On the other hand, my daughters were much quicker at learning more concrete things like physical skills.)
.
But regardless of how much a child understands what is going on at Mass, the child still needs to develop impulse control skills. (I mean adults behave badly when they “know better”; why would we expect more from a child?) It takes actual practice to learn these skills which is why it is good to take the child to Mass.