Broken Catholic Family

[Sarah12]

My family is a very traditional Catholic family. Although there have always been fighting throughout the years, the friction in my family has recently become unbearable. I am going away to university next year but waiting to move out is not the way to fix the problems. It is at the point where no one is happy and no one seems to like one another. I am currently living with my parents and my 21-year-old brother. I have another brother but he is in university for the next month and will be coming home after. The only things my family does together is going to church on Sundays and eating dinner; however, neither of these are enjoyable as a family.
Fights and yelling happen on a daily basis with my parents and my brother. My parents have always seemed to be pleased with me until this year. I have done nothing to break their trust but they will not let me have any responsibilities and freedom. I usually do very well in school but this term I am struggling as I am taking the hardest courses in my school. Nothing I do seems to be good enough for my mother. I am trying hard with school work and scholarship applications but she does not think I am. She criticizes my performance in every area of my life and gets angry at the strangest things.
I am embarrassed at the state of my family and it has affected my social interactions outside of my home.
My brother has depression, my brother at university has ADHD, my father has anxiety, and my mother constantly overworks herself and is always tired. All of them except for my mother are on medications for these things (she takes meds for her arthritis).
What should I do (other than praying because I already do that)?

 

[4love2God]

Sarah12 lives in a household of anger and frustration.

If you are not one of the people who screams at others, then that is Good.
It is better for a person, Spiritually, to NOT get dragged into meaningless Arguments.

Personally, if I were in your situation, I would spend extra time away from Home.
You can do your Homework at School (or at the Library), for instance.
This, alone, may help you get better Grades (with less effort), than trying to hold-it-Together (AND learn) in the midst of an on-going War.
It serves NO purpose to be a Witness to hours a day of anger (and yelling).
In fact, it DOES serve a Good purpose to NOT have to absorb the intensity of your Family’s fighting (for no good reason).
Less anger = more Brain cells that can think about Learning the lessons in High School.

I recommend that you step Outside as soon as the screaming begins, and sit in the Backyard (or elsewhere) for 20 minutes (or, however long those screaming matches last).
This has the ADDED Benefit of making sure that your presence there does NOT add to the creation of Negative Energy.
It often happens that a person will behave differently when a certain person is with him.
So, this will force your parents to create their OWN Negative feelings to fight about.

And, while you are at it, spend some more time alone with your Brother.
This will protect him from being screamed at by your Parents some of the time (which will help his Depression).
It may also give you a new source of Love and Happiness in your Life.
If you can improve the emotional condition of your Brother, then you BOTH will Win.

 

[Sarah12]

Most of the time I am in my room when the arguments arise. I never get involved with them and I stay in my room until they are over. They usually take place in the evenings and I cannot really go anywhere because my parents almost never let me use the car.
I will try to stay after school to do my homework. That is a very good idea. Thank you.
I feel as though I should support my brother, but I don’t want to become involved with the fights or have my parents think I am going behind their backs.
I wish there was something I can do to make my family more connected but I have difficulty confronting people about serious things.
I know that when I leave for school, if my brothers are still living at home, the fighting will continue.
Thank you again for your response. I will try to spend more time with my brother.

Also, how can I regain my parents’ trust when I have done nothing to lose it?

 

[dunkin]

You all manage to attend Mass together…have you considered praying together…maybe a novena ( Mary, Undoer of Knots is a personal favorite)…

 

[Sarah12]

We do before meals. We’ve never done a Novena though. We used to pray together before bed when we were very young, but it seems to be harder for a family of adults…

 

[4love2God]

Sarah asks** : “Also, how can I regain my parents’ trust when I have done nothing to lose it?”**

Hmm, in a “Normal” family, I would just suggest that you sit down quietly with one of your Parents, and ask if you have done anything “wrong.”
You may discover that they assumed that you did something (that you didn’t actually do).
Or, you DID do something, but they over-reacted, and thought that it was much worse than it was.
Or, you are older, and they are worried about you becoming sexually active, and so, they have a General feeling of distrust for you (and for your sexual organs).
If nothing else, it would give you a chance to try to understand the way they think (and perceive things to be).

In your situation, however, this Direct approach may be difficult, AND you have trouble doing that : "but I have difficulty confronting people about serious things."

Certainly you could spend some time drafting a Letter to a Parent (the most rational one), calmly explaining your situation, and the fact that this is VERY Upsetting to you.
There is something about having something written in black-and-white. It changes the dynamic.
AND, it can be read over and over, which means that it won’t just go away.
Talk is cheap … but Letters are forever.

Another avenue is to involve a Relative (who is VERY close to one of your Parents).
Explain, gently, your problem with being un-Trusted, and ask him/her to approach your Parent and discuss it.
This has the added benefit of making talking about it less personal, and your Parent may fully un-load to that Relative about the Problem with trusting you.

 

[Sarah12]

Thank you for your reply.