Broken Catholic

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KRAS

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I have never fullfilled my sacraments in accordance to the catholic faith. i made sure After my father passed away his were completed and having a catholic funeral. Tho he had walked away from the Church. As a Son I feel my obligation has been fullfiled … My Own Path And walk in the life of a catholic is slowly coming to an end. I want my children to experince a little of what it means to believe in something bigger than themselves to be held accountable for thier actions and walk in the Path of christ. There is only one church i know that will do these wonderful things for them.

For me its just the end … I have suffered alot and been through alot and i feel like i have been left behind i feel that the lord can not be so harsh to any one person let alone me … i have faced many challenges in my life and feel i have bared enough Pain for a life time. My father passing away hasnt been the easiest thing for me not devoulging to much lets just say he was my hero my best friend and my brother not in the litteral since … But this man was alot to me … he was in his late 50’s … still a young man … in my eyes … My grandfather also died around the same age … My Mother diagnosed with Multiple sclerosis, my grand mother died from Cancer. My Uncle came out closest …my Brother died at birth… i am tired of being pulled over by the police because i fit a profile. or harressed by police because i am a diabetic with syringes in my car… << did you know thats a Misdemenor>> every time i fight for something right and sound everytime i fight for something i know in my heart is good it always back fires i believed i was doing the work of the lord by helping others … i never ask for recognition i never ask for help… i just do … i am burnt out … the only thing that matters to me is my wife and my 2 lil sons … I feel there is no more room for god to make my life a joke. I keep looking to him for the answers didnt his son die for me for us… hasnt there been enough suffering. oddly enough i have lost 2 good friends who were ran over by a train … I have had a GF who Had an Abortion with out my consent … i may not be the perfect man an i do not walk the straightest line at times i am human … << thinking of a song >> Crooked halo …

I have contemplated Suicided i have thought of driving my car in to a wall…hanging my self… those things will not make anything better it si selfish act and the only ones who suffer are my kids and the ones who love me … I could never do it , but you bet ya i have thought about it …

at 33 years of age i have gotten arthritis in both my knees i am dependant on medication and physical therapy i cant even run with my kids… i cant get on all fours and play horsey …

I am sure it sounds like a pity party well maybe it is but i just cant take it no more i have tried talking to priests friends and i get the same ol things same ol answers i gues i am not mentally sophisticated enough to Leave it at the cross, or let it be and you will be lead right …

I dont know … maybe i just need prayers… because i feel like for me my Faith in Faith in God is just about a flicker away from burning out.

I apologize for rant and think it is foolish to vent my emotions out in a forum like this but maybe just maybe there is someone who could possiably give me those words the one thing i can look at and have a gleam of Promise an thought something i feel pretty desperate.

Saying there are people far off worse than me is not inspiring Because i know that … but in my circumstance its not relevant. and if god is gonna test me the rest of my life to see how stong i am he is gonna lose and so am i …
 
Dear KRAS,
It does sound like a pity party. Your instincts are correct in assesing life as a vale of tears. This life does have a lot of suffering. Some more than others, some more deserving than others. There is One who didn’t deserve any suffering at all and yet suffered most gruesomely, you are in a position to tag along with Him by offering your meager sufferings up on behalf of the cause ( His cause). Your sufferings, though great to you, are meager compared to others, not to mention Him. It is good to know that you are looking with your eyes wide open. You see things in a real way. You don’t sugar-coat or pretend its not as bad as it is. Have courage. Think of your children and your hopes for them. God does love you. He is waiting for you, go to Him in the sickness of your suffering and pour out your heart to Him. Seek Him, and He will let you find Himself. He will give peace to your soul and relief to your heart. Draw near now. Do not give into dispair.
I shall offer a prayer for you today.

Tom
 
i dont have any advice but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers
 
i dont have any advice to offer and i am sorry about that…

but please please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers
 
Kras, I’ll pray for you today.

Did you ever think of writing in a journal? It helps to vent. It’s not a pity party. I’m sorry for you.
 
Please never think of suicide. It’s just not an answer. I know.
 
You have had a difficult life… not related to God in any way. With your history it is more than understandable how you feel. However, you are wonderfully focussed on your family and their well-being. That love for your family is God; God is love.
So love yourself too; do yourself a favor and educate yourself. This may be depression, which one can develop from chronic stress-- Lord knows you’ve had plenty of it. Decide for yourself if depression is part of your life now (no one can tell you if this is your case). If you decide it is, get help (God works through people mostly) and enjoy the wonderful family you have. Here is a link just for men.

nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/men-and-depression/index.shtml

PS. The Catholic stuff can come later. Depression and grief (yours definitely) can distort spirituality in a big way.
 
Have you tried praying to the Blessed Mother for help? Even though we are not worthy of Christ’s help, if we pray to Mary, she will obtain help on our behalf, because she is not our judge and has no other office except dispensing grace.

Try this Hail Holy Queen prayer:

Hail holy queen, mother of mercy, our life, our sweetness and our hope, to thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve, to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. Turn, then, most gracious advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us, and after this our exile, show us the blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus, O clement, loving, sweet Virgin Mary, pray for us, O holy mother of God, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.
 
JMJ

I don’t know what to say except that the devil is driving you to despair through your suffering. This suffering is not a test from God to “see how much you can take,” but you have to trust that He would not allow it if you couldn’t handle it. It’s very possible that you’re going through this for your children, because He forsees a traumatic experience for one/both of them. When (if) it occurs they’ll be able to think back on Dad, and how Dad suffered and endured, persevered in prayer, accepted this suffering from the hand of God, and trusted. If you give up on your faith in Him, it doesn’t matter what you raise your children with, because they’ll look back and remember that when things got tough, God was…rejected, and the fact is that if we reject God, we will be rejected on Judgment Day. I doubt you want to be separated from your children and wife for an eternity, the only choice you have is to persevere. The Scriptures say that we will reign with Christ if we suffer with Him, the two go hand in hand.

Try imagining Him there with you in your frustration, pain, anguish, depression…whatever you’re feeling. Talk with Him, give Him your suffering. Confess any unholy/angry feelings you have toward Him to the priest and be cleansed. Don’t ask Him to make things easier, but to make you stronger, and persevere in this prayer. When you pray at night as a family, renew this prayer, that you may be strong in faith soas to lead your family to God. Remember:* I can do all things in Him* Who strengtheneth me. This is not a pleasant thought drummed up by the Apostle, this is the Word of God, His Word is Truth, and He never goes back on His word.

You and your family will be in my prayers. Pax:hug1:
 
Kras, first of all, I just want to comment on the fact that you said you haven’t been participating in the sacraments. The sacraments are what provide us with the grace we need to do God’s will. So if you’re having trouble in your life of faith but aren’t participating in the sacraments that are there to strengthen your life of faith and enable you to stand, you are like a person standing outside a city with an open gate, refusing to enter the safe haven while simultaneously wondering why the city’s walls aren’t protecting you.

Pray that you will develop a love for the sacraments. Go to Confession and confess your sins, then receive Eucharist and lay all your burdens and sufferings on Jesus. Tell Him about them openly. Make your complaints to God like Job did. The Book of Job is full of your suffering. Reading your story, it sounds similar to the Book of Job.

Here’s also a story from the Bible I thought of, which may console you a little.

Luke 16:19-25

19"There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. 20At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores 21and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.

22"The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. 23In hell,[a] where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. 24So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’

25"But Abraham replied, 'Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony.

God richly rewards those that suffer in this life, if they allow those sufferings to make them into the people God wants them to be. These sufferings you’ve experienced are an opportunity for you to grow close to God, because God suffered far more than you on the Cross, yet your sufferings enable you to know better than many people what He went through to save your soul, all because He loves you. Would you go through all this to save the soul of some horrible sinner? Because Jesus went through far worse than what you’ve gone through out of love for you, to save you. He did this for you. You have received an incredible opportunity to know how much God loves you, because you’ve experienced some of the cost He paid to purchase your soul from Hell for Paradise.
 
Thank you all For your kind words and insight, It has Helped me alot and I appreciate it an all of you.

i sit here on the graveyard shift with alot of time to reflect on my life and all the things and evil that is out there. No way can I compare my Life to those who suffer more than me and i pray for them even more. to be Homeless with out food or to be sick , an yet they find it in them selves to still find a place for god in their lives an they can not be resentfull one bit in their situations. Only be blessed with another day. I guess envy is just another one of those things Satan brings Upon Us a Sin in it self to contend with …

I digrese…
 
It sounds like you are suffering from depression. Have you tried counceling? An expirenced councelor can help you deal with the grief of the loss of your father and other family members. Remember, we are all just passing through this life on our way to (hopefully better) eternal life. He will raise us ALL up on the last day.
 
I always caution people on the depression route. It never worked for me. All the happy pills were just a diversion.

From your comments I think this essay by Fr. Barron would be helpful (ignore my comments tacked on the end)

payingattentiontothesky.com/2009/07/09/undergoing-training-in-the-divine-school/

Also you will find on the site several posts concerning “acedia.” Worth your time and effort to do a search and check them out. A curious fact about illness is that it can bring us to clarity. Instead of bowing to suffering learn about why you are suffering. As long as you are along for the ride, see if the guy in the front seat has any idea where you are going.

You’re a good guy KRAS, don’t let this break you without finding out why.

dj
 
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