Broken Engagement

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teresa09

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First off, I’d like to introduce myself. My name is Teresa. I am a college senior this year, finishing a degree in theology, and planning on going into a graduate program before pursuing early childhood education. Many years ago I fell away from the faith and am gradually coming home.

Two days ago, I ended my relationship with my fiance (we got engaged a few months back) who I have been with for six years.

Right now, I’m really struggling with how to handle the situation, and I guess I’m just in need of peace.

I initiated the separation, but we are still on amicable terms. We both love each other a great deal, and he still believes that I am the one he will someday marry. However, I’ve learned so much in the past few months to indicate that he is nowhere near ready for marriage. He has significant problems with addictions, lack of responsibility, and ultimately has not yet learned respect for himself. While I have tried endlessly to help, the problem has gone beyond what I am capable of handling. I could not subject my future children to the relationship that we have fallen into.

At the same time, I am absolutely heartbroken. He has been my best friend and companion for years, and I still believe he has a wonderful heart and a lot to give. I find it difficult to imagine any man treating me with as much respect as he has, particularly because I have very deep trust issues (stemming from a very poor relationship with my father). The new sense of uncertainty scares me - I’ve had such a well-defined plan for the next few years, and now it’s completely gone. Worst of all, I feel like I will lose my best friend in the process. Is it ever possible to remain friends after a situation such as this?

I’m not sure of the exact purpose of writing this. I realize my situation is nothing like some of the horrible problems I’ve seen people endure on this board. I think I am just at a loss for what to do - I have been with him all of my adult life thus far, and can’t even imagine anything different. I do not yet know how to approach my family with the news… they have become very close to him as well. Is there a particularly sensitive way to inform them and others of the broken engagement?

I would just greatly appreciate any prayers. I’m feeling weak, and I need strength to pull myself together and get through the end of school. 😦

Thank you so much for just listening.

Teresa
 
God bless you, Teresa. It is good that you are taking marriage seriously, and it is also good that you realize that this young man is not the husband you need. It is wise, under these circumstances, to break off the engagement.

This is the part that you are probably not going to want to hear. In my experience, personal, anecdotal, and through reading, it is not possible to remain friends with someone under these circumstances. In fact, given that you are completely certain this young man is not for you, and he still retains affection for you, it is selfishness on your part to try to retain the friendship. A clean break is best.

As for breaking the news to your family, perhaps in a way similar to the one you posted here? It is good to explain your reasons.
 
*Can I just say, you are incredibly mature for doing this? Can I also say how awesome it is to see a young woman taking marriage seriously enough, to discern problems brewing in a relationship, instead of just marrying someone who might not be right for you? Brava, for this. I know this is very hard, and perhaps this separation will do you both good…and will cause your fiance to see areas he needs to change, before commiting to you as a husband. But, then again, the time might cause you to grow apart. If you are in doubt, do nothing…I learned that many moons ago, and live by that. When men and women ignore red flags in another person, and still marry her/him…inevitably, the marriage ends up hitting the rocks. I will keep you and him in my prayers…whatever God’s will and plan is for you life. (The time apart will also reveal if your trust issues are also playing a part in it, too–I had trust and commitment issues before marrying my husband, never dealt with them, and nearly left my husband over them…better to get down to resolving your issues before marriage, also) :o

I admire your desire for holiness, and seeking God’s will in this situation. I admire your maturity.

Welcome to CAF, by the way. God bless. *
 
I’ve been in your shoes before. Your intellect is telling you that you made the right decision, but your heart feels like it’s been pounded with a meat tenderizer. Most of the time, once someone has an addiction, it’s something they struggle with for a life time. Marriage is tough enough without having to deal with a spouse who is immature and has addictions.

Right now, there is a hole in your life that your fiancee filled. Fill it with God and you will find peace.🙂

I will pray for you.
 
I’ve also been in your shoes. And I’m sorry for what you are going through. You’re going to go through a difficult time. Every person and every situation is different, but based on what you’ve said, you made the right decision. The reason I say that is simply because you are expressing such doubts. The time to address those doubts is BEFORE you get married, as you well know.

I will pray for you to have the strength to get through this.

I am going through a difficult time right now myself. I often pray that I be given the strength, grace, and courage to do what I need to do and be who I need to be to live in accordance with God’s will for me. A friend told me to pray for “God’s perfect will” for me. It’s given me great comfort. I would recommend it.

As for your family… you don’t need to tell everyone individually. Tell your parents, and siblings (assuming you are close). IMO, let them spread the word a bit. This will also get you off the hook of answering “what happened?” etc. It really isn’t anyone’s business. You are better off not giving details to people who knew you both. There will be some people you will confide in, and ideally one will be your priest. A counsellor is also a good idea as you will need to sort out what happened in this relationship that almost turned into a marriage. You don’t want to end up in this situation again!

I’m very sorry for what you are going through. Use this time to grow closer to God.

:console:
 
Teresa, we are all broken in one way or another. None of us is perfect.

I do find it interesting that you don’t mention your “very deep trust issues” as rendering you unready for marriage, but your finance’s addictions and lack of responsibility render him unfit.

Perhaps you should look to yourself, not him, to put this relationship into perspective.
 
Teresa, I’ve been in your shoes and did the wrong thing. I got married despite my misgivings. I felt sympathetic toward my then fiance (and now ex husband), made a million excuses for him, all really because I felt like I had committed to marrying him, it was what everyone expected, and I couldn’t imagine life without him after having been together for so long.

What you really do need is a clean break and some therapy. Paul did hit the nail on the head with you having your own issues, and you might find it is bigger than just having trust issues. You need to sort out all of that baggage so that you know how you deserve to be treated and to make sure that your role in any future relationship is a healthy one. I know that my problem had been that I was too “understanding” and thus enabling, protecting my ex husband from the consequences of his drinking habits and increasingly abusive behavior.

There’s a reason addicts always end up with women who were lacking a strong positive relationship with their fathers. If you don’t sort this out now, chances are your next relationship might be a similar one.
 
I can relate. I’m in a comparable, similar situation except from the guy’s POV. I love my [now ex] girlfriend very much and had just about given up everything for her; she was my inspiration and she was the only person that really understood me. My life and work was totally dedicated to her and our future family. Just about everything I have and am I could not define without her. She had been there by my side when I was very seriously sick. She had helped me become a better man. We had plans and everything. I bought the ring and I was even about to propose to her, but I then realized she was not ready (she does not put God first before me); her career choice and her family is not very compatible with raising and tending to the needs of the children. I had to break it off. 😦

I absolutely will not have my children go through the same thing I experienced. My children will have a loving mother. I pray that I can be a good father and husband that can adequately provide for my wife and children.

I cannot change her. Only she can change herself. “Forced conversions” are not genuine [and wont last] plus it will very likely incur much resentment later.

She keeps on trying to contact me, but I have to decline. I have to remind myself:
  • My children will have a better upbringing.
  • I have put God first and done the right thing.
  • I thank God that I have the opportunity to demonstrate my love by being able to suffer for Him; I only not love God in good times, but I love Him during hard times too.
  • I have avoided much pain later in life; it’s much easier to break it off now and take the hate and resentment from her family than, in a troubled marriage, to try to take custody of the children and deal with the regret of failing to provide the best for my children.
  • I can sacrifice for my children and have lead not only by word, but by example.
  • Many people are in more difficult situations; I need to be grateful and count my blessings.
My heart bleeds. My situation is actually more complicated… I will spare the details. Women create so much trouble for men, haha. All our lives we have to deal with them yet we cannot live without them. They have so much power and potential to change the world yet it seems not enough women choose nor exercise this.

Like PaulinVA has said: None of us are perfect. Especially me. But we have to make decisions based on our conscience. We also have to be honest with ourselves and inform our conscience with the Magisterium. If we ourselves have issues, we need to first accept them; that’s the first step to addressing an issue. Once we have acknowledged our issues, God now allows us the liberty to choose what is right and do something about it to change for the better; we can’t blame past history and not deal with the issues anymore; we have to grow out of it. Nobody has a perfect childhood.

I hope this helps. Frequent the sacraments; I find going to confession or finding a good, orthodox priest and/or spiritual director to talk to helps. We on CAF are here too.
 
Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers, as well as notes of constructive criticism. I’ll carry these with me as I’m sure some of the responses I receive from people who knew the relationship will be quite a lot less favorable.

Sillara, I do not doubt that you’re correct about not retaining the friendship. I told him I felt it would be best, but he thinks the idea is crazy… says that we’ve been too close for too long to completely avoid contact and that our friendship is the one thing he has left in the situation. I’m working on breaking things off despite this, but it’s even harder feeling like I’m hurting him all over again. I’m sure part of the problem is that I haven’t FULLY convinced myself that he would never be an appropriate husband for me yet.

Paul, your point is correct but certainly something I have already noted. I in no way lay all the blame on him for being unfit for marriage. He has a great deal more external problems, but I have internal ones as well, which further reinforces the fact that this breakup is in both of our best interest. Unfortunately, my trust issues have become even worse over the years as he is a compulsive liar. I know I need to address my own problems, and I hope exploring life outside of this relationship will help.

Just to be clear, he has never been abusive in any way - neither physically or verbally. In fact, he treats me with what feels like the most respect I’ve ever seen in a man. He’s always been very courteous, gentlemanly, willing to help in any way possible - he puts me first so much of the time. I can’t deny that this part of our relationship constantly clouds my judgment. I do fall into “understanding” mode because I’ve felt like all of the wonderful things he is and does are worth all of the heartache. As a result, I’ve consistently tried to help to “fix” all of his problems, something I know now to be more destructive than anything. I’ve almost fallen into a mothering role, which is a bad place to be.

Thank you to those who have responded and been in similar situations. It really helps to hear the words of people who have followed this through. Seraph, I like your comment about “forced conversions” not being genuine - it is definitely something that I didn’t know before but have learned after experiencing this relationship.

I really appreciate all of the responses I’ve received - getting outside perspective on a situation in which you are so deeply immersed is incredibly valuable. Thank you all.
 
Oh my I know please believe me what you are going through…
I loved my fiancee so much, but I new something was wrong, I did ignore the red flags, and the warnings of my family…
I definately had a difficult childhood, for which I still am suffering!

If your not careful…secular songs, old pictures, memories, all the little things that creep into a girls heart will pull you away from your decision.

I would not have a ongoing relationship with him…it will just make it easier to go back…trust me (please please please)

You don’t want to mother any man…i read the point you made…and
get the book…The ABC’s of choosing a good husband

Only a strong women can do it all the way through…you must continue…
you dont want to be where I am…
fifth baby on the way…turning a blind eye to my husbands behavior for a long time, making excuses…not listening to people who I can trust…
Do it
Please,just think you will finish school
and then it will be easier
Finishing can be so hard…get busy with things you like, or with reading, or exercising at a new place, something new…
please
I so feel your pain!!!
Stasia
You can always pm me if you want! Im busy, but I make time…
 
Maybe I’m bucking the trend here but it took 6 years to figure this out?!?

You don’t have to but I would definitely be interested in why addictive behaviors you are talking about and what maturity issues? You are both very young.

You state that you have trust issues but this is the only person you do trust… do you trust yourself? Are you breaking things off because of his issues or yours… think about this.

If you love him and you believe he loves you, you have no trust issues between one another then I don’t see what the problem is here. If he is doing drugs or something like that which could put your and your future family at risk then that is a different thing all together.

That is why I ask… what addictive behaviors? Does he clean the house or wash his hands too much? (OCD?)

I definitely sympathize with your situation as I experienced something similar years ago myself. However one of the things I had to do was to take a step back and ask what was I really looking for? As a counselor at the time I knew no one was perfect.

I can tell you think too, I believe I made the right decision, my wife and I have 4 beautiful children. There are still “issues” from time to time but there are in every marriage. Love and Trust though, which you say you guys have, are the 2 most important IMHO.

Joe
 
Jwashu -

While I’d prefer to keep some of the more serious issues private, I can tell you a few of the problems we’ve encountered, and why we stayed together so long.

Admittedly, many of the problems he has have existed in some form or another since the beginning of the relationship. However, being much younger at the time and quite probably naive, I brushed them off as manageable.

One of the main problems we have had is his compulsive lying. At first, I chalked it up to situational problems - I tried to understand because it seemed that perhaps a white lie here and there was less destructive than the alternative (truth) for those particular instances and that we’d somehow correct things later (naive, as I said). Over the years, I began to realize that the lying was far more of a habit than initially thought - that he lied about practically anything and everything to avoid embarrassment or trouble. While I said that I trust that he’ll treat me with kindness, I did not mean that I really fully trust him - in fact, at this point, I’m skeptical of nearly everything he says.

As I said, I’m not comfortable fully addressing the addiction issues on a public forum, but I’ll tell you one of them. He is a food addict. This may not sound immediately harmful, but it has become a major concern and health risk. He managed to gain about 60 pounds in one year by engaging in “binge eating” episodes where he eats enough food in one night to last someone for two weeks. Something like this, as it is not a moral/ethical issue, was something that I thought could be worked out. He saw a counselor and began working out, but continued his destructive eating habits. This has gone on for a couple of years now, and he seems incapable of stopping himself. While as I said, I know things could be much worse, at the rate he’s going he’ll be having a heart attack by his 25th birthday. I do not find this destructive behavior appropriate for my future husband and father of my children. Aside from simply having the addiction, he hides it and lies about it constantly - that breach of trust is once again one of the biggest issues.

Another problem has been his driving. In the time that we have been together, he has gotten a record number of speeding tickets and been in a few at-fault accidents, such that his license is now suspended. One might simply write this off as typical young person behavior, but it truly is more than that. He seems to have no concept of learning from his mistake (the first few times he got the tickets) and trying to improve his habits. It still terrifies me to ride with him, because he’s often extremely inattentive to the road. Once again, this is a safety issue. I think it is a major problem if I would not be able to comfortably allow my husband to take our child somewhere in the car. Aside from his dangerous driving, he’s also managed to rack up over $2,000 in parking tickets last year - at $50 a ticket, you know that’s quite a remarkable amount of tickets.

With regards to his lack of responsibility, he has failed out of two separate colleges - not because of his intelligence (which is phenomenally high) but because of his lack of work ethic and interest. If he were trying, it would be a different matter, but I don’t feel as if I should simply put up with the consequences of his choices (as it is, I see myself potentially becoming the sole provider of the family - something I am quite capable of doing, but not something I find appropriate under these circumstances).

Part of the reason why these things took so long to become serious is just that I hadn’t yet seen how his behaviors would affect us in the “real world”. Due to the fact that he has such a gentle heart, treats me with utmost respect, and shares a great deal of interests with me, I felt for a long time that these were just issues that came with part of the package. The reality is, while I can handle it myself, I don’t want to subject my future family - children that have no choice - to the kinds of problems these behaviors will inevitably cause. If he continues doing what he is, it would subject us to extreme financial hardship, medical problems, and simple mental exhaustion on my part as I try to constantly “clean up” after his mistakes.

I believe in giving people chances to recover from mistakes, to independently make choices for themselves to better their situation. However, these problems have existed for quite some time without any improvement, showing me a lack of maturity and an absent willingness to strive for something important, even when it’s initially difficult or hard work.

While I love him completely, and I know that he feels he loves me deeply, I cannot convince myself that he does really love me. Why? Because to me, love is not just a feeling, but an action that manifests itself in the things we do for ourselves and others. At this point, I’m not sure he even loves himself. I believe that in order to be a loving husband and father, he first needs to learn enough respect to make constructive changes on his own.

I realize that he is young (23), and some immaturity comes with that. However, I am even younger than he is and have at the very least set up a firm foundation for my family through very hard work, responsibility, and honesty. I’m certain that he’ll reach that point as well, and be ready to begin the process of joining two lives, but he is not right now.

This is not to say that I believe we could never be together, because change may happen. I just think that that change needs to happen individually before anything further is considered. Combining two lives when one party or both are still lacking a great deal of wholeness on their own does not seem prudent to me.

Thank you!

(and I apologize for the length of this post!)
 
Teresa, I just wanted to congratulate you that you took this step ! In can soooo understand that you needed time to make this very, very hard decision: it is so difficult to let go a person who always treated you kindly.
You had the courage to think about the things you would not compromise on and, most important, to act after your thinking.
You thought ahead where it was so tempting to just enjoy being petted, respected and loved.
You saw you were not only entitled to that, but entitled to more, and that this relationship would not give what you were entitled to.
I admire you for that, and I KNOW God has somebody very special for you, with whom you will be able to build a strong, loving, and above all healthy marriage.
You’re in my prayers.
 
God bless you, Teresa.

In a nutshell, over the past few years, you have grown up and he hasn’t. You have realized that you and your future children deserve better than a compulsive liar who carelessly risks both his neck and his finances by refusing to learn to drive safely. Both those things should be, and are, deal-breakers.

I don’t feel qualified to comment on his eating disorder, because I’m morbidly obese myself. I’m working on it, though.

Other addictions should also be deal-breakers. They all have bad effects on finances, and relationships. They are only deal-breakers if they are unaddressed. My advice to a young person is to avoid any addict without a minimum of 2 years “sobriety,” and the knowledge that they are never cured, and must be sober until the day they die. The best treatment for addictions is a 12-step program. There are many, including Overeaters Anonymous.

God bless you, again. I’ll pray for you.

Ruthie
 
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