Broken Heart

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arami86

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My fiance and I broke up. He left the country on Wednesday. I found out he’s already talking to other girls and has broken all communication with me. Closed his email and facebook and has no phone. I did nothing but love him. He loved me back. A month ago he changed and fought with me until we broke up.

I know for a fact he wasn’t good for me. He made me more unhappy than happy. But when he did make me happy, he made me incredibly happy. I settled for so little from him. All he had to do was smile and hold my hand and I would be in love over and over again. I feel cheated. We were engaged to be married, I gave him my virginity. I loved him. I wanted to have one guy for the rest of my life. He was my life. Everything I did was with him in mind. I tried my best to make him happy and give him everything. He gave me nothing in return but companionship. He was my best friend.

This situation has left me broken. I don’t recognize myself. I’ve always been so strong. And now I feel like my soul is shattered. I have this incredible longing for him. I can’t get him out of my mind but I know he hates me. He stole from me and I retaliated by filing a report. He holds grudges, he’ll never forgive me. He’s already on vacation with a group of girls. But I’m here, trying to hold it together. I have a great job, friends, family, support group. Everything I need to be happy. But it hurts so bad. I’m afraid of so much pain. It’s agony. I can’t sleep more than 5 hours. I can barely eat unless my mother practically force feeds me. I’m 27 and I thought my life would be so different at this point. I saw myself with him for the rest of my life, married, with kids. And now I"m alone.

Please pray for me. I just had my first anxiety attack. I’m so ashamed of how weak I’m being. If he can forget my that fast, why can’t I heal faster? I loved him with my entire soul. There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for him. But he was no good for me. I know this. I know all of this. Why does my heart still love him? I can literally feel it hurting. My soul feels lonely. It’s the weirdest feeling. I’ve gone back to church and to confession. It made me feel better but then the pain came back. Please pray for me. Please.
 
I will pray for you. I know how you feel. I had an awful bf once too who also pressured me to have sex and used me. He always made me feel so excited and in love even though he did very little for me and did not care for me in the way a man should. I finally realized after he left me that he was not the kind of man that I wanted for a husband. You need a real man. A man who would never pressure you to have sex outside marriage and put your soul in danger. A man who is going to be a loving husband and father, who doesn’t care what you look like 9 months pregnant and does romantic things for you. A man who wants to attend mass every Sunday and go to adoration, and join the Knights of Columbus. That’s a real man. Not his awful little boy who used you and left you. I was there…just give it all to God. Tell him you cannot handle the pain any longer and give it to Him. Again, I will keep you in my prayers tonight. Take care and have hope.
 
arami86 said:
My fiance and I broke up. He left the country on Wednesday. I found out he’s already talking to other girls and has broken all communication with me. Closed his email and facebook and has no phone. I did nothing but love him. He loved me back. A month ago he changed and fought with me until we broke up.

I know for a fact he wasn’t good for me. He made me more unhappy than happy. But when he did make me happy, he made me incredibly happy. I settled for so little from him. All he had to do was smile and hold my hand and I would be in love over and over again. I feel cheated. We were engaged to be married, I gave him my virginity. I loved him. I wanted to have one guy for the rest of my life. He was my life. Everything I did was with him in mind. I tried my best to make him happy and give him everything. He gave me nothing in return but companionship. He was my best friend.

This situation has left me broken. I don’t recognize myself. I’ve always been so strong. And now I feel like my soul is shattered. I have this incredible longing for him. I can’t get him out of my mind but I know he hates me. He stole from me and I retaliated by filing a report. He holds grudges, he’ll never forgive me. He’s already on vacation with a group of girls. But I’m here, trying to hold it together. I have a great job, friends, family, support group. Everything I need to be happy. But it hurts so bad. I’m afraid of so much pain. It’s agony. I can’t sleep more than 5 hours. I can barely eat unless my mother practically force feeds me. I’m 27 and I thought my life would be so different at this point. I saw myself with him for the rest of my life, married, with kids. And now I"m alone.

Please pray for me. I just had my first anxiety attack. I’m so ashamed of how weak I’m being. If he can forget my that fast, why can’t I heal faster? I loved him with my entire soul. There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for him. But he was no good for me. I know this. I know all of this. Why does my heart still love him? I can literally feel it hurting. My soul feels lonely. It’s the weirdest feeling. I’ve gone back to church and to confession. It made me feel better but then the pain came back. Please pray for me. Please.
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I’ve been there, it sucks. Honestly, in my experience, the way you get over this is to realize how bad he was to you, and view this as good riddance to bad rubbish.

He treated you badly. He stole from you. He moved on so easily. He’s a bad guy. He never loved you the way a man should love a wife.

Consider yourself lucky you found this out now before you married this jerk and were stuck with him.

Do what you’re doing. Hang out with friends and family. Get your spiritual life in order (which you have already started). And, when the initial shock is over, look to start dating again.

And when you date, don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t treat you with the respect you deserve.

God Bless
 
Thank you everyone. I could really use your prayers. I keep faking that I"m ok but it’s so much work. Like I said, I"ve always been very strong and I’m embarrassed about how weak I’m being right now. It’s just that I fell in love for the first time. I miss my best friend. I miss him holding me at night. We lived together for 3 years. I miss his presence at dinner time, our date nights, his voice at night when he would hold me until I fell asleep. All the small details. but he was never romantic. He never loved me back equally. I know I’m better off. But the heart wants what the heart wants. Thank you for your prayers. I can’t do this on my own.
 
I’m not saying he did this but something I found with the experience I had was that a lot of what happened between us was not real. He kind of just faked our relationship and would say all these nice things and hold me at night, etc because he wanted to control me. He didn’t truly care for me but also didn’t want me to leave so he had to give me just enough so that I would stay with him and think he loved me. Now, I’m not saying that’s what your ex did but your situation just reminds me so much of the one I was on and it was very emotionally abusive and controlling but in such a sneaky way I hardly knew what was happening.
 
I had to convince myself that he loved me and when I realized he didn’t, I would beg him and fight with him to love me back. That’s all I needed. I know he used me. I made twice as much money as he did and come from a great family. He liked the life I provided. Originally he was in love with me. He complimented me everyday and was so sweet. But he was always used to a different type of girl. The one he’s with right now has a sleeve tattoo, doesn’t work, smokes, drinks and parties. I have a high paying job, I have a brand new car, my own place and I’m college educated as well as religious. He said he’d never dated anyone like me and saw in me the wife he wanted. But I guess he just went back to his old ways. He wasn’t ready to settle down. He fell out of love with me or maybe he never did. But he was my best friend. I truly, honestly, wholeheartedly loved him. In the purest of ways. I was so innocent. I trusted him. Confided in him. Loved him. Needed him. I can’t believe he could walk away and move on so fast. But I know there were red flags. Like I said, I’m confident in that I needed to leave him. But it still hurts. So bad. So incredibly bad.
 
O I know it does but I promise as time goes on it gets better. I know right now it doesn’t seem like it but I can tell you that is something my ex used to say too. He said he usually dated bad girls who dressed slutty and smoked or whatever and I was so much different and that he wanted to have children with me, etc. Unfortunately these are things that manipulators say to make you fall for them even harder which makes things even worse. I am so sorry for your hurt but just ask God to help take the pain away and to help you find a man that is worthy of you and is devout and God fearing. I know the pain is deep but my priest once told me if anything, use the pain and anger to keep my feelings of love towards him at bay. It will get better, I promise.
 
Often the most painful breakups are the ones that make the most sense. That’s not very comforting to know, but in your case where the relationship was miserable, let’s say, 75% of the time, it was never going to work out no matter how incredible and stellar and earth-shattering the remaining 25%. At least one of you must have seen it coming.

Going back to that 25%, if it was satisfying enough to make up for the lousy majority, you are probably suffering from post-infatuation rather than unrequited love. (Likewise, loving partners don’t steal from each other.) If that’s true, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’re not the first or the only or even the oldest person to be suckered into infatuation. Some people marry Mr./Ms. The-Very-Sun-Shines-Out-Of-His/Her-Arse and double their grief.

Right now, that’s still not comforting to know. It hurts hard and deep – more than the “normal” breakup because you invested more of your identity in your ex than is reasonable or healthy (or at least, that’s how it looks to me). Therefore, you’re not going to move on overnight. Eventually you will, and to bigger and better things that you can share with a decent man, God willing. Hindsight can become foresight and experience can become wisdom, so use it.
 
travissbeloved said:
I’m not saying he did this but something I found with the experience I had was that a lot of what happened between us was not real. He kind of just faked our relationship and would say all these nice things and hold me at night, etc because he wanted to control me. He didn’t truly care for me but also didn’t want me to leave so he had to give me just enough so that I would stay with him and think he loved me. Now, I’m not saying that’s what your ex did but your situation just reminds me so much of the one I was on and it was very emotionally abusive and controlling but in such a sneaky way I hardly knew what was happening.
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Yes, the ultimate control game. You love him more than he loves you and he has control over you and the relationship or lets just say “pseudo relationship.” Usually, people like that aren’t really capable of love-too damaged from childhood or something. However, they are really good at faking it and can change boyfriends, girlfriends, faster than most of us change clothes. There’s no such thing as intimacy with these people. Once you’re out of the entanglement and done grieving you’ll be amazed when you look back objectively. I remember thinking how could I have ever been involved with someone like that? Distance can bring so much clarity but it will take time. Lean on your friends, family, hobby, church, and whatever else that keeps you sane. You invested 3 years, be glad it was only 3 years. Not trying to minimize your pain but that’s way better than spending a lifetime with a user like that and having children with them. I’ve been there too. I’ll pray for you. God will put someone special in your life-trust him.
 
arami86, I too feel badly for you. I had a bf similar to yours, but it never got as intimate, nor did he use me–he was simply not able to give me what I wanted from him. Still, I fell hard for him and he encouraged me, although he didn’t/couldn’t love me in return. I had the classic crush on him, and that’s what you had, as well–a crush. It seems like real love, but it simply isn’t. It’s over-the-top romanticizing another person to the point where you cannot see the real person, only the one you’ve made up in your mind or wish he would be. Does that sound right?

Real love is not like that. It’s giving and receiving equally. By equally I mean that each person is as willing as the other to give and not just take or not just give. It makes you one with the other, not demanding that the other meet expectations/demands/love as you want. When you both have this kind of love for each other you know it. It comes naturally, happily, and plainly. There’s no need for drama or flowers or candy–it’s as simple as daylight and as deep as the depths of the universe. Trust me, when you have that kind of relationship, you’ll know it. So, don’t fall for flash and smiles. When real love comes along it won’t need to win you over, it will just happen for both of you.
 
Time and keeping busy is the only cure. You’ll probably also want to consider seeing a therapist and going more frequently to confession.

2-20 years from now, you’ll wonder what you ever saw in him. Read a few of the posts here from people in unhappy marriages, and reflect on the fact that as miserably as your boyfriend used you, being married to him, having children with him, or being divorced from him would be so much worse. Think about how much you’re hurting now, and imagine your child hurting that much, because she doesn’t understand why daddy is always too busy to show up on his visitation days and doesn’t remember her birthday.

If you eventually meet somebody wonderful, get married and have kids with him, you’re going to look back on this and realize how lucky you are that you didn’t stay together. I hope you’ll feel that way no matter what. I certainly feel that way about one of my more dubious boyfriends–I had a very, very lucky escape and I don’t deserve my good fortune.
 
arami86 said:
The one he’s with right now has a sleeve tattoo, doesn’t work, smokes, drinks and parties. I have a high paying job, I have a brand new car, my own place and I’m college educated as well as religious.
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There was some practical advice I didn’t mention in my previous comments.

It’s understandable that you want to know what he’s doing, but do you really need to think about what kind of girl he’s with? Of course, you’ll come across reminders of your ex, especially if you have mutual friends or obligations, but it’s more prudent to concentrate on yourself than him or his current dates.
arami86 said:
Thank you everyone. I could really use your prayers. I keep faking that I"m ok but it’s so much work. Like I said, I"ve always been very strong and I’m embarrassed about how weak I’m being right now.
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Everyone moves forward differently, but in general I think the more you confine yourself, the more you wallow, and therefore, stagnate. Is there anything you like to do – something motivating besides work – so you don’t have to dwell on the pain or keep a straight face all the time?
 
Sorry about your situation. We all make mistakes and it seems you realize falling for that guy was a mistake, even though you still love him. Prayer said for you to be comforted and be drawn closer to our Lord in this situation. Longest time I ever felt heartbroken lasted about 10 1/2 to 11 months. That is how long it took to completely heal. Some heal way quicker and some way slower. You will be stronger when it is all over. God bless 🙂
 
I suffered from a broken heart about 9 years ago and can relate. I remember trying to hold it together while waiting for a bus and suddenly just weeping and wailing. It is really hard, I know. Reaching out like you have helps.

It is a lot like experiencing grief when somebody dies. I went through that a little over two years ago when my mother suddenly passed away. It takes a while to get over a broken heart because something has died. It is a process.

Right now, take care of yourself and give yourself the love you feel you so desparately miss. Be good to yourself.

Give hugs to your family and friends. Cuddle and get close to those who love you. Let their presence comfort you.

Please know that you did NOT make a mistake! You sincerely loved another human being. You can grow and learn from that.

Something beautiful will come from this. Just wait and see. God is carrying you.
 
Part of the reason this is so hard is because sexual intimacy creates a VERY powerful bond for women. This is a great thing for marriage, but terrible outside of it.

There’s a book I read several years ago called “Sex and the Soul of a Woman”, which really addresses this well, and also includes some prayers and things you can do to help you break this unhealthy tie.

Also, if you have not already done so, avail yourself of the graces available in the sacrament of confession.

I know this hurts so much right now, but it will get better. Truly you are better off on your own than with a person who does not honor and respect you as you deserve.

I will pray for you.
 
Xantippe said:
Think about how much you’re hurting now, and imagine your child hurting that much, because she doesn’t understand why daddy is always too busy to show up on his visitation days and doesn’t remember her birthday.
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Honestly, I couldn’t stop thinking about this. I would never allow anyone to hurt my child the way I hurt for him. Thank you for making me realize this. My heart is so much more peaceful now knowing that this decision is what God wanted. I’m looking forward to his blessings.
 
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