Broken-hearted, despairing and exhausted

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marimagi

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For the past year, my husband and I have been almost fully supporting my grown daughter financially and emotionally. She has worked part time, but cannot pay her full rent without help. We have provided health insurance, the use of a car, car insurance, maintainance, etc. Whenever my daughter has needed emotional support, I’ve been there.

She has a 5 year old daughter for whom I have happily supplied all childcare, and have fulfilled other needs such as clothes, dance lessons, school pick-up, homework help, etc.
I have not minded doing any of this, as my daughter has been separated from her husband. I believed that she was truly doing the best she could.

Last week, I learned that my daughter has not been doing her best, has been living a double life, and basically playing my husband and I for fools. Worst of all, she has been exposing my granddaughter to dangerous and unsuitable situations.

Part of her problem is drugs, (again) so now we are paying for an intensive treatment program. My daughter expects me to be happy and as supportive as I’ve been in the past year, because she “now knows what her problem is.” She hasn’t even begun to come clean and be honest, and I’m feeling hurt and exhausted.

My entire focus is on keeping my granddaughter safe and well cared for. I can’t cry, because I don’t have the time or space to do so privately. I guess I need prayers…but also some feedback. I’m feeling alone and overwhelmed (my husband has 2 jobs and works about 18 hours a day)
 
marimagi said:
For the past year, my husband and I have been almost fully supporting my grown daughter financially and emotionally. She has worked part time, but cannot pay her full rent without help. We have provided health insurance, the use of a car, car insurance, maintainance, etc. Whenever my daughter has needed emotional support, I’ve been there.

She has a 5 year old daughter for whom I have happily supplied all childcare, and have fulfilled other needs such as clothes, dance lessons, school pick-up, homework help, etc.
I have not minded doing any of this, as my daughter has been separated from her husband. I believed that she was truly doing the best she could.

Last week, I learned that my daughter has not been doing her best, has been living a double life, and basically playing my husband and I for fools. Worst of all, she has been exposing my granddaughter to dangerous and unsuitable situations.

Part of her problem is drugs, (again) so now we are paying for an intensive treatment program. My daughter expects me to be happy and as supportive as I’ve been in the past year, because she “now knows what her problem is.” She hasn’t even begun to come clean and be honest, and I’m feeling hurt and exhausted.

My entire focus is on keeping my granddaughter safe and well cared for. I can’t cry, because I don’t have the time or space to do so privately. I guess I need prayers…but also some feedback. I’m feeling alone and overwhelmed (my husband has 2 jobs and works about 18 hours a day)
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You will definitely be in my prayers. This is a huge cross to bear.

If your daughter is in an intensive treatment program, then is your granddaughter “on the radar” with social services? To protect her, make sure you cover your legal bases with social services so you can become her legal guardian if your daughter is deemed an unfit parent.

Meanwhile, I would recommend you surround yourself with faithful and supportive friends. Daily rosary and mass will also be a tremendous support for you and your family.

God bless you!

Gertie
 
Gertabelle said:
You will definitely be in my prayers. This is a huge cross to bear.

If your daughter is in an intensive treatment program, then is your granddaughter “on the radar” with social services? To protect her, make sure you cover your legal bases with social services so you can become her legal guardian if your daughter is deemed an unfit parent.

Meanwhile, I would recommend you surround yourself with faithful and supportive friends. Daily rosary and mass will also be a tremendous support for you and your family.

God bless you!

Gertie
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Gertie,

Thank you so much for everything, but especially your comments about social services.
We are actually going to a lawyer tomorrow to initiate temporary custody. Both my daughter and her husband refused to do it voluntarily. I feel terrible, but it has to be done.
 
I have a son who is an alcoholic. It’s not an easy position to be in 😦 I urge you to check out any Catholic based Ala-non 12 step programs in your area. I can honestly tell you my program saved my life. It’s a program for YOU!
 
Prayers sent your way!!! Main thing is the care for the child and temp custody is the right thing. Cudos on that!!! For your daughter she has an addiction. It is the drugs that is controlling her. Please know that is not your daughter in control of her actions or what is said. It is the addiction not her. She is in the proper place for help so leave her in God’s hands and focus on the care of the child till her mother is better. That is all you can do other than just simply pray! I have addictions in the past with drugs and alcohol and different kinds of addictions now so keep me in yours as well! God Bless!
 
What a wonderful, caring mother (and grandmother you are. I will keep you in my prayers and your daughter that she may find her way out of her addiction.
 
Sorry to hear of your troubles marimagi. It’s a situation with very difficult choices. Is your daughter ready to engage in a 12 step program? If so, that will take her through her actions and teach her accountability. But you may need to be patient - many of us take time and support to face up to our failings.

Keeping you all in prayer.
 
I’d petition the court for custody of my grandchild and I’d let my daugher cut bait.

Actions have consequences, and she would have to own her situation and make chages before she would be allowed back in my life.
 
1ke said:
I’d petition the court for custody of my grandchild and I’d let my daugher cut bait.

Remember this?? " Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us…" This is also her daughter whom she loves.

Actions have consequences, and she would have to own her situation and make chages before she would be allowed back in my life.
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Thank you guys. You have all helped. Don’t feel so alone anymore.

Blessings.
 
1ke said:
Forgiveness she may have, money she may not. Forgive does not equal allow yourself to be lied to, abused, and sucked dry financially.
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I 100% agree but this is still her daughter. No one deserves to be treated bad but We are all called to forgiveness as Our Father Forgives us. I believe God instills in each one of us some type of defence mechanisim to help us avoid from getting hurt. Example: We know or have a feeling when someone is out to hurt us, our family or friends. We do not hate them but try to avoid them. Support comes from Love not money. There is a difference. 🙂
God Bless!
 
1ke said:
Forgiveness she may have, money she may not. Forgive does not equal allow yourself to be lied to, abused, and sucked dry financially.
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And how exactly does your attitude align with what Jesus told us to do? :nope:

To the OP, I’m praying for you. This is so hard.
 
Southern said:
I 100% agree but this is still her daughter. No one deserves to be treated bad but We are all called to forgiveness as Our Father Forgives us. I believe God instills in each one of us some type of defence mechanisim to help us avoid from getting hurt. Example: We know or have a feeling when someone is out to hurt us, our family or friends. We do not hate them but try to avoid them. Support comes from Love not money. There is a difference. 🙂
God Bless!
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Heavily supporting her financially has only been part of it. I supported her emotionally as well. She came over nearly every day to visit and share her problems (except for this BIG one.) I got her to the doctor for physical and mental health problems because she kept neglecting to follow through. I helped her get into a State funded program that helps people develop a plan for building job skills, and helps with funding for their needs. In addition to support and guidance, they paid for mental health counseling.

Because my daughter was always over here (often eating here as well, because my food was “better” than her own,) I did not realize what condition had become of her house. She told me she was keeping up with it. Her last house was an absolute, problematic disaster as well, but she had blamed some of the problem on her husband, who she was then separated from.

I love my daughter. Once again, she is coming over and wanting to talk. Much of what she wants to talk about is a denial of her responsibilities as an adult and a parent. I keep referring her to work hard in her program.

Today, my husband and I are going to talk to a lawyer about temporary custody. My granddaughter needs a safe home base while my daughter (and her husband,) get their acts together. It will make her very mad, but my granddaughter has to have her needs met.

I do forgive, but I can’t pretend it is all better at this point. Still have to do what I think is right. My daughter will have to come to realize that I am helping her (a sign that she is really “getting it.” and can keep her child safe from now on.
 
marimagi said:
Heavily supporting her financially has only been part of it. I supported her emotionally as well. She came over nearly every day to visit and share her problems (except for this BIG one.) I got her to the doctor for physical and mental health problems because she kept neglecting to follow through. I helped her get into a State funded program that helps people develop a plan for building job skills, and helps with funding for their needs. In addition to support and guidance, they paid for mental health counseling.

Because my daughter was always over here (often eating here as well, because my food was “better” than her own,) I did not realize what condition had become of her house. She told me she was keeping up with it. Her last house was an absolute, problematic disaster as well, but she had blamed some of the problem on her husband, who she was then separated from.

I love my daughter. Once again, she is coming over and wanting to talk. Much of what she wants to talk about is a denial of her responsibilities as an adult and a parent. I keep referring her to work hard in her program.

Today, my husband and I are going to talk to a lawyer about temporary custody. My granddaughter needs a safe home base while my daughter (and her husband,) get their acts together. It will make her very mad, but my granddaughter has to have her needs met.

I do forgive, but I can’t pretend it is all better at this point. Still have to do what I think is right. My daughter will have to come to realize that I am helping her (a sign that she is really “getting it.” and can keep her child safe from now on.
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That is all that really matters and you are showing the signs of forgiveness just by not disowning her. I highly commend you for that! However, we all have to let our kids make their own mistakes. IF she is really trying, she needs to understand that her child is in good hands. Then focus on getting better. Cudos to you and your husband for supporting her finacially for her job skills but that is as far as I would take it. (Just advising) There is a point on finacially stopping with your child so they can learn but, One should never give up on their child, in which you haven’t. God Bless!
 
We have been dealing with this in our family for many years. I suspect that this is one of those great tragedies we will all look back on several hundred years from now and shake our heads in despair.

I’ve noticed a few things from experience that might be helpful. Firstly, in order for someone to “get better” or get over an addiction; they need to be highly motivated. Right now, it seems that your daughter lacks that motivation, especially with the support you have offered. I realize that you’ve been duped, (that’s nothing new), however there is a time to cut the line and I have a feeling that for you, its now. The ONLY way she will change is when she has major motivation to do so. For some (like in my family) that are very hard-headed, it seems that there almost isn’t enough hardship to cause this extreme motivation. It’s as if they have to nearly die in order to say “geez, I guess I better cut out the drugs”.

Secondly, an addict doesn’t like it when you cut them off from financial help. You can be so nice and offer emotional help and the like, but once you cut off the money, you’re a jerk. It makes sense if you think about it - the only thing on their mind is getting more drugs. So its almost as if you’re dealing with a stranger. It’s so tough, and there aren’t any easy answers. What’s worse, drugs and alcohol abuse kills real slowly, so with starting and stopping, it drags on and on.

I don’t mean to sound negative, but this is why prayer and fasting are such an important part dealing with this particular cross. We, ourselves can grow closer to the Lord within this challenge. Learning how to love in spite of feeling unloved. Learning how to unconditionally love while separating that concept from supporting one financially.

Hope this helps a little.
 
You stated that you have placed your daughter into an expensive rehab program.

What does this program say to you, the parents? Do they have classes or counseling for you as well as your daughter? Is there a doctor or counselor that specifically works with the family and advises them of the best approach to take with their addicted loved one?

Frankly, I think that if the program doesn’t include the family along with the addict, the program isn’t worth the money, and you would be better off to find a program that includes the entire family in the rehab.

You and your husband need the help and counselling and reassurances and relief and support from other families of other addicts as much as your daughter needs the help. There are certain skills that families of addicts need to know, and the rehab program should either teach you these skills or refer you to the proper people who will teach you these skills.

Godspeed to you. You have a hard trail to trudge down. I would cry if I were you, and your tears would alert those people around you who are gifted in loving and caring that you need some of their love and care! Anyone who judges you or makes fun of you is not anyone worth your worrying about.
 
Sheadad said:
We have been dealing with this in our family for many years. I suspect that this is one of those great tragedies we will all look back on several hundred years from now and shake our heads in despair.

I’ve noticed a few things from experience that might be helpful. Firstly, in order for someone to “get better” or get over an addiction; they need to be highly motivated. Right now, it seems that your daughter lacks that motivation, especially with the support you have offered. I realize that you’ve been duped, (that’s nothing new), however there is a time to cut the line and I have a feeling that for you, its now. The ONLY way she will change is when she has major motivation to do so. For some (like in my family) that are very hard-headed, it seems that there almost isn’t enough hardship to cause this extreme motivation. It’s as if they have to nearly die in order to say “geez, I guess I better cut out the drugs”.

Secondly, an addict doesn’t like it when you cut them off from financial help. You can be so nice and offer emotional help and the like, but once you cut off the money, you’re a jerk. It makes sense if you think about it - the only thing on their mind is getting more drugs. So its almost as if you’re dealing with a stranger. It’s so tough, and there aren’t any easy answers. What’s worse, drugs and alcohol abuse kills real slowly, so with starting and stopping, it drags on and on.

I don’t mean to sound negative, but this is why prayer and fasting are such an important part dealing with this particular cross. We, ourselves can grow closer to the Lord within this challenge. Learning how to love in spite of feeling unloved. Learning how to unconditionally love while separating that concept from supporting one financially.

Hope this helps a little.
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It helps a lot actually.
 
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