Broken marriage broken heart

[zenzena]

Dear brothers and sisters,
I need to open my soul because my friends are family watch at marriage in profane way, and they applaud my decision to leave husband, and my priest and catholic friends are strongly against, which leaves me in the middle, really lonely in this situation.

I am tormented because I know how awful divorce is. And how it can hurt kids. I don’t like idea being congratulated and put into situation to gossip my husband.

On the other hand, I can’t. I can’t bear my husbands torture. It is not like physical violence; he is immature, selfish, difficult, and makes every aspect of life miserable. Control freak… and so many more.

I was fighting for marriage virtually from the beggining, when I first discovered some things that severely influenced our relationship. I went through counceling, priests for several time tried to reconcile us, I’ve offered my suffering as a way of sanctification, many time I stood in from of God saying yes to my marriage as a commitment to Him.

I am very serious about marriage, and it is hard being judged, same as being called to disco to celebrate divorce (which is my reality among my friends and family)…

So I do not talk to anyone, I just do my best to stay dignified, and to bear my cross silently and joyfully. A cross I’d never thought I would bear. One of most awful crosses

One of the most troubling dilemas was about kids. I’d do anything to offer kids living image of love among husband and wife. But it takes two to tango.

I also had to stop working (husband made it impossible for me to work), so I don’t have a home (his parents bought him house so that he doesn’t invest his money in home which “some whore” could take away… ), so no job, and I am in country struck by severe economic problems I am qualified and I’d gladly work. I was always succesfull in my jobs.

I’ve talked to husband that I’d love to stay in our family house because my son goes to 1st class and he is happy about his school room, his class, school, it is just not okay for me to put kid into stressfull situation, and husband (we are still not divorced officially) agreed. So I am with him because I have to be. No place to go without hurting kids.

He is asking me to be his wife again, but I can not do it. He need psychology help, and he is not willing to do it. So I live in the middle of his emotional turmoils that are hard now, as they were before, now he is excessively sad and passive agressive, before he was controlling, holding some grudges, angry…I have to bear it all with my inner hurt that seems to be dismissed and refused anywhere where I look… and I do myself to live joyfully for my kids and God. I do no refuse marriage easily!

I know he is not able to be married. I have no instruments to prevent myself other than divorce.

I used to go back to him, because I wanted with all my heart that our marriage survives, but now that I must protect my borders and save kids… and go through really dark period.

Being next to him, with my broken heart… until I find job, new place to live, and to put kids into situation to leave friends and school and go somewhere else.

I thank God. I know I don’t have to understand God’s plan to love and obey.

Please pray for me! I need help in your prayers! Make me strong, make me see God’s will and trust, without my preconcieved ideas. Please pray that I don’t loose my faith - my faith is tempted severely through this and I am afraid Church will abandon and judge me.

 

[Mayita30]

Dear Op

First of all I want to tell you that by coming here and venting your problems is a good thing. Please do realize that a lot of women have the same problems you are experiencing right now. Your husband seem to come from a family that have spoiled him so much. It seems to me that his mother did not educate him well and this is where you SHOULD come in. You have to RE-EDUCATE your husband on how to treat the family you are forming with him but you cannot do this if you are DEPENDENT on him. Start by improving yourself. Look pretty for yourself offcourse. Never disregard Physical appearance.Look for a job.Make sure you are earning an income and expand your social contacts. Broaden your horizons. Train your husband little by little to help you with house work.

Live for yourself and for your children. The last thing a man wants is a clingy wife. You have to show it to him that you can do it on your own. Sounds harsh but this may be the only thing that could save your marriage. I´ve seen women who were too nice, too good and too submissive to their immature husbands. Did the get what they want which is love and respect? the answer is NO…so please try to do the opposite. If you want RESULTS, you have to try something DIFFERENT.

Last but not the least. Pray. Offer your sufferings to God. Thank God for giving you the family that you have now. Don´t give up on your marriage. Ask God to give you the strength and the knowledge to turn around the way things are.

 

[joanofarc2008]

Dear OP - emotional abuse and financial abuse can be just as bad if not worse than physical abuse. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I took my marriage very seriously as well. When things turned physical I got first restraining order. Before that we were at the point you are at now. I went back. Many CAFers told me not to. Many people in general told me not to except for people in our Church community who thought he was wonderful and was a pillar of society that he had made him self out to be. I would invite you to read this statement from our Bishops and see if you can find some comfort in it. Also if you would like to PM please feel free.

 

[zenzena]

Tnx for your advices! I never let myself go, I look good, take care of my appearance, have social life, but yes he is severely spoiled, and he is like a two year child who testes limits - he still thinks he is center of universe and he can have it all. but two year old kid’s anger and frustration is bearable (most of the time at least). But serving as a boundry to huge, grown up man, I can not do it anymore. Not my business.

I am sad for him, he has plenty of talents and good humour, but the older he gets, the more his parent’s way of communication is what rules in our home - anger, fight, holding grudes, rudenss, agression.

It is not christian home, and I can not bear it anymore. And to re-raise himself, I must give all of me, and take from children, to mentally and emotionally and physically endure.

 

[Mayita30]

Yes! I know its hard but God never promised us that marriage would be easy. That´s why it´s called a vocation. When I read your post, There were two things I pondered on, either to tell you to leave and run right away because he is a piece of _____ or to encourage you to move on. I chose the second option and it is also the option I choose in my marriage. You see, not all women are lucky to have a man who has beed educated by a GOOD WOMAN with all the good manners and gentle man ways so for the mother out there reading this please educate your son so that their future wives won´t have a problem.

If ever you decide to stick with your wedding vows, know that it won´t be easy. If it has reached to the point where it is unbearable, you have to re assess the situation. Is there something that you are doing to escalate it? Are you tolerating his bad behaviors in any way?

When he calls u a " whore ", do you cry in front of him and argue? Crying and arguing in front of him won´t help. It will only make things worst and you are giving him the satisfaction that he has control over you. Do not give him that much attention. He is not a kid. The next time he calls u this, tell him straight that words like that is not permitted in this house and then or better yet not react, just leave and do something else…

As for your in laws, try to stay away from them as much as possible. Don´t show disrespect either just pretend to be busy with your own life ( house work, children, job, your family)

You have to set boundaries with your husband. Never mind if he keeps on crossing the line, eventually he will learn if no In laws will be interfering. Remember He is like a spoiled child. His mommy never taught him these things and I hate to say it to you but you have to re-educate him. And again Marriage is never easy. Pray to our Lord and our Blessed mother to give you the strenght needed. God bless

 

[aicirt]

You need to talk to a lawyer so you know what your rights are. A husband can’t kick his wife out of a home. It may not be the house you are living in, but he is the father of those children and, because you do not work, will have to pay for a roof over there heads,and food on the table.
You were right to have misgivings. Any man who calls his wife and mother of his children a “whore” is not a man. His parents giving him a home to live in which is in their names to protect his interests are manipulative people too. THAT is why you must see an attorney.
Although the house is in his parents names, that does not mean you are not entitled to live there and he somewhere else. Confirm this with the attorney. You will be more confident knowing this if you need to get an order of protection/restraining order. Same holds true in a divorce situation.
You may be thinking that because the house is in his parents names you will not be able to live there. THAT is not true!
You do not have any income. He does. You are a stay-at-home Mom. He will have to contribute to your support and the support of the kids.

 

[hurting]

I think I’d focus quite a bit more on what my priest had to offer. Assuming you’ve told him all the pertinent details, and as you say, he is encouraging you to reconcile, I’d pursue reconciliation.