Broken mom - 22 year old son

[Jay82]

To honest, the list of rules in the first post look similar to what we expect (and receive) from our 10 year old son.

That is quite possible, but everyone has different home environments and matures at different rates - as a result, their can be a significant variance in the ‘chores’ children are responsible for from household to household.

From about 8th grade onward I was doing most/all of my own laundry, always kept my room clean, had to clean other parts of the house, mowed the lawn weekly along with other yard work, shoveled snow, cooked the family dinner a couple times a week because both my parents worked, etc. I was responsible for waking up for school on time each day and then walking there (since my parents left for work before I woke up most of the time). I think the responsibility was good for me, but I also feel like I grew up ‘faster’ than most of my friends, some of which had all the aforementioned things done for them, but they all turned out well. Some are married, own their own homes, etc - but they are all doing well. A couple live at home still, but they pay rent and have a full time job.

My point is that, their is no right/wrong way to go about things. Everyone is different and you can’t expect one child to react/handle the same things another child can… things take longer for some, but ultimately they do have to switch over from a kid to a ‘real’ adult and efforts need to be made to continue to grow, progress, move on and start your own life.

 

[AbbeyLane]

I truly don’t even know where to begin to thank everyone for their replies, advice and prayers. I know that some of the advice may have sounded harsh, but I know in my heart was well-intended. I too was very independent at a young age and so was my husband.
We married at 19 and had our son when we were 24. I think that is one of the hardest things for us to understand about our son, because we were independent at such a young age. For the poster that thought that he was unplanned, he was very much planned- we even took fertility meds!

We have alot of work to do on this end to help my our son become independent. But I am very thankful, that I have a loving husband that is on the same page, and this community to come here for support and prayers.

Thanks again and God Bless

 

[noclevername]

you’re being nasty! he didn’t have a choice about life;sounds like an unwanted pregnancy.i thought catholics were caring folk?

I read your other posts. If you are on this forum just to cause trouble as it seems like you are from your other posts, I’ll be the first to tell you that mods will not put up with that stuff. So if you are sincerely here, then be sincere.

 

[SaltySirena]

I have a loving husband that is on the same page,

This is going to be very important to your success. Too many times, when it comes time to push a reluctant baby bird out of the nest, one parent will sabotage the other. If you and your husband present a united front, your son will have no choice but to grow up!

 

[yellowbird]

He does sound like a good kid. What he lacks is maturity and personal responsibility (not waking himself up - no insurance) for a 22 year old. I’m willing to wake my kid up at 16 - but not at 22. I’m thinking as soon as he oversleeps and gets in trouble at work, he’ll start setting his own clock?

And while I love that he’s going to mass, I think even that decision should be his. If you want him to act like an adult, you have to begin treating him like an adult. Sometimes I think that kids are unwilling to leave the nest because parents (well meaning) are still holding on too tight?

If he takes the required # of college classes and holds down a job, I’d allow him to continue to live at home but he’d need to contribute $ for food or whatever. Maybe $50 a week? I’d NOT require him to clean his room - at 22 he’s basically a border - his room is his business. I’d not ask to see his grades. Since he’s paying for the schooling, that is also his business as an adult.

At this point, I’d only allow him to continue to live at home to enable him to further his education. Bottom line, If he didn’t work & more importantly, go to school as required, I’d give him 90 days to begin saving his $ to move out. I think that is more than generous.

At 22 I worked THREE jobs to pay for my apartment and go to school. It can be done and I’m guessing, when giving the opportunity to sink or swim on his own, your son will SWIM!!!

 

[iluvmybabies]

Anyone seen the movie step-brothers? Some kids don’t want to grow up…If it was up to them they would rather live at home and do whatever and that’s it… It’s understandable he’s young and all…And needs time to grow up but let me tell you I got married @ 17 and child at 19, been working most of my life, since I was 11 and even though it’s tiring and exhausting and my body’s paying for all that, but let me tell you I don’t regret being independent at all…Nor being on my own since I was 18…well with husband then!! LOL Both were fresh out of hs…lol… We did get some help from family like his father rented us out his house, and grandmother rented our her apt etc but we both worked to provide for each other…

So it’s time you either give him rules or for him to move out…

My bf lived at home till he was 19, but since he was 17 had a job and had to pay rent to his parents, yeah it was only 200 bucks a month but he had to pay his own gas, they paid his car insurance…Then moved out…

My brother moved out to go to college right after hs, and parents still help him, they pay his cell phone and car insurance, he is responsible for everything else, he’s 22, and now engaged… SO you don’t have to stop helping your son, but he needs to have some responsibilities…

I have an 11 year old that tries to get out of all responsibililties and I will not allow her to because it’s only fair that she be prepared for what life has to give her and life is full of responsibilities…And even if she decides to stay home all her life with husband and kids, I don’t care as long as she’s responsible and pays what is needed including rent…It’s only fair and it’s only life! lol

Good luck and GOD bless!

 

[SamH]

My point is that, their is no right/wrong way to go about things. Everyone is different and you can’t expect one child to react/handle the same things another child can… things take longer for some, but ultimately they do have to switch over from a kid to a ‘real’ adult and efforts need to be made to continue to grow, progress, move on and start your own life.

True, but the poster was asking for (name removed by moderator)ut, I gave them mine. So I am wrong now?

 

[Leonius]

Traditionally children live with their parents until they get married. This also means they still have to obey their parents and traditionally the child gives the parents any money(ie all of their wages) they make working to provide for the household, this is good training for marriage when all his money will have to go on maintaining his own household and prevents him getting used to the higher standard of living achievable as a bachelor

This is how all families did things where I live until maybe 30 years ago. Of course children also used to go to work at 14 back then to and families sometimes had up to and above 20 children preventing anyone becoming to spoilt.

 

[yellowbird]

This is how all families did things where I live until maybe 30 years ago. Of course children also used to go to work at 14 back then to and families sometimes had up to and above 20 children preventing anyone becoming to spoilt.

I wish I could hear you say this in person!!! My dear Pop was from the UK and he used to tell me that I was so “spoilt!” (not true! ) Occasionally he’d also tell me he was going to “box my ears” - although he never did.

He passed away a few years ago. I miss him - and his funny accent.

 

[atg2]

hello, a pal of mine’s son was still living at home in his forties.he used to rant about getting him to leave.a few years later;the son died from cancer.regards

 

[Cat]

hello, a pal of mine’s son was still living at home in his forties.he used to rant about getting him to leave.a few years later;the son died from cancer.regards

It’s sad, but a parent can’t be paralyzed with fear. There are parents who are still mashing up their children’s food when the child is five because they’re afraid the child will choke to death. I have a video of a PBS program that shows parents who are afraid to let the child sleep alone in his own bedroom and bed because they’re afraid he’ll die in the night. When the sleep specialists were working with them, they put a camera on the child, and when the child fell asleep, the parents nearly went crazy worrying that he had died!

Yes, I worry that my children will be in car accidents, especially the one that is married and living in St. Louis (Ai Yi Yi, what awful drivers!). And I worry that my older daughter will be raped and murdered, since she lives alone.

But I can’t stop them from growing up and hold them to my breast forever.

I agree with the poster who said that the “rules” are more appropriate for a 10-year old. This is a MAN, not a little boy or a teenager.

I personally think the OP should tell her son that he has to find an apartment and become a man. Give him two weeks, then he’s out. It’s not “kicking him out,” it’s letting him grow up and become the man that he should be. That’s what love does–it allows someone to grow and develop to their full potential, and it doesn’t hobble out of fear.

The young man will be fine, just fine. He’ll find a friend who has a spare room or a sofa, move in, find a job doing something to help pay his expenses, have a great time being on his own away from Mom and Dad, and within a few months or years, he’ll realize that he wants more out of life, and either go back to school (probably by taking out loans, which a person can get easier if they’re not dependent) on parents, or he’ll look for a higher-paying job, and he’ll find his own place and thing will steadily improve. And someday, he’ll look back on those early years of being on his own as the best training for real-life that he ever had.

 

[Jay82]

True, but the poster was asking for (name removed by moderator)ut, I gave them mine. So I am wrong now?

I don’t think you were wrong, and your insight is probably appreciated by everyone contributing to this thread.

 

[atg2]

hello, whether he’s 4 or 24;he’s still your baby.a lot of parents seem to think they’ve done their kids a favour;by bringing them into this world.money is the root of all evil;millionaires do not have these financial burdens.the working-classes create their own problems & as a result of disownment;create tomorrow’s drug-addicts.,etc.any prospective parents thinking about family-planning;need to think about the long-term picture;say twenty years from now.it will be hard to find a solution,without making ultimatums;but you may need his help at some point later on in old-age.may god direct you to the best.

 

[SaltySirena]

atg2,

This is the second or third post of yours I have seen. Not only are they rambling and hard to read, due to lack of proper capitalization and punctuation, but they seem to internally contradict themselves. They are also usually complete non-sequiturs that contribute nothing to the thread… why post this stuff?

 

[ac_claire]

I wish I could hear you say this in person!!! My dear Pop was from the UK and he used to tell me that I was so “spoilt!” (not true! ) Occasionally he’d also tell me he was going to “box my ears” - although he never did.

He passed away a few years ago. I miss him - and his funny accent.

I love them too! I could marry a guy for an accent like that.

 

[atg2]

It would be interesting to see if anything has resolved,in the last few years;since the thread start.regards

 

[EasterJoy]

It would be interesting to see if anything has resolved,in the last few years;since the thread start.regards

The original thread is dated July 14, '09, so it hasn’t even been a year.

Before re-starting a new thread, single-click on the name of the original poster. You can use that to choose to look through the OPs most recent posts. In this case, you would have found no posts since a thread the OP started back in March that included this:

…Dh kicked our oldest (age 22) out of the house back in November alot due to son not wanting to take responsibility and work or go to school…

With that information, you would know both what was “resolved” and that the OP was unlikely to be on the forum to answer follow-up questions.

BTW, when re-starting a thread like this, be careful that you communicate your concern, rather than just “interest”. This is a topic of sorrow and deep concern for the OP. She didn’t post for our entertainment, but in the hopes of getting some help. It is OK to speak a hard truth when truth is solicited, but we need to be mindful of the difficulty of her situation, too.