Broken Mom here in need of help & prayer

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AbbeyLane

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Tonight, my family and I went to mass and it was all I could do to stay. I wanted desperately to run out and leave walking and never stop. I kept trying very hard to not
sob. I couldn’t take communion and I feel sad and broken inside. I know this must sound
very horrible and maybe after you finish reading my post, you might say dramatic but
this mom has reached the end of her rope and I feel like I have nothing more left in me.

Does anyone else ever feel this way? I love my children dearly, but I feel at times that we are raising ungreatful and spoiled kids. Although, we have done our best to not give them everything and they really don’t, compared to what other kids have. I am tired, very very tired. My husband and I are self employed and have been married 28 years. I know some of you may say that I need a break , but I really do think it is more than that. I have had opportunities where I spend a little time away, but its all here when I get back.
I am very very frustrated and angry inside and it seems like its all the time now.
I know this is not good for our family.

We have three kids, son that will be 22 next week, 16 year old son and 13 year old daughter. My husband and I have been married 28 years and I feel we have a good marriage considering all we have been through. We married young, his father left when he was 8 and mother was an alcoholic that died when he was 19. I had a bit more stable home although my mother was authoritarian and depressed most of her life and my father quietly suffered and worked. Both my parents are now deceased, my father died just last year and my mother died 13 years ago. Needless to say no real good parenting examples to raise our kids by. We have done it by reading, listening to Dr Ray and going with our gut! I am not kidding when I say, I could probably write to the forum for help everyday but obviously this is not possible. There is so much going on I don’t know where to even begin.

I am finding our 22 year old is passive aggressive and just doing enough to get by. Him and my husband don’t see eye to eye at all about things, mainly my son’s choice of music and tattoos. 16 year old is seeing all of this but luckily spends most of his time doing sports which he loves. I could be wrong, but I sometimes think it is to please my husband and my 13 year old well she is a bright light, but I worry about her too. Although we may look ok on the outside, I feel our home needs peace.

We go to mass weekly, but of course to grumbles and complaints mainly by the older ones which infuriate me but I try not to show it. What do other families do with kids this age? How do you raise kids that are humble and greatful for what they have?
Am I asking too much? Is this normal?

Thank you for listening.
 
I’m so sorry you are struggling right now. I will add you and your family to my prayers. Have you tried talking to your priest or thought about getting professional counseling?
 
I have friends who feel as you do, and as I did when the kids were in their teens. Mine
are all girls, but that just made the oldest rebel against me, while your son is doing it
for his father. Just keep up the good fight and take the best position at all times…
on your knees in prayer.
I will pray for you and your family. It’s a tough battle we have to preserve our families,
but with God’s grace, we will prevail.
 
I know exactly what you mean. I had a similar problem with my children a few years ago. I will admit that I did spoil my children some. Not to the extent of some parents though. My children didn’t have fancy video games but they did have a lot of stuff. I began to notice with my oldest daughter that she started to have this attitude that it was her right to have stuff and not a privillege. I know that she was entering those teenage years but that is no excuse for that type of behavior. I raised her to be caring and thoughtful of others. Well she was always thoughtful of others just not her family. I started talking with our priest who gave me some great advise. It was rather dramatic but it sure did work because now two years later I have the children that God ment for me to have. Both of my girls do what they can to help out without being asked. They hardly ever ask for things. My oldest and I were getting groceries and I was going to take her out to eat as well. I made the comment that I needed to stop at an ATM and grab some cash and my daughter told me no that she had money that we would use. She told me that I didn’t need to be spending my money on stuff like that, she would.
As for the advise that I received, like I said it was dramatic. He told me to stop letting them watch television, give them set chores to do everyday, and make them truely earn the things that they need for the week, not what they want for the week.
I will admit I was rather doubtful when I was told this because my children do chores around the house and I didn’t think that we watched television that much to make a difference. However I asked for the advise so I was going to try it and see what would happen. I removed all the tv’s from the girls rooms and the extra ones in the house. We left one in the family room. For the first month no one watched television, not even me. I sat down with my girls and allowed them to participate in choosing chores, which was easier than I thought. They each have ten chores that have to be done daily before anything else can be done. That sounds like a lot but when you think about it it’s not. Simple things like make your bed, put dirty clothes in the hamper, put clean clothes away, caring for pets, ect. My children are 6 and 15 and are still doing their chores plus more. They keep tract with stickers even my 15 year old. After following our priest’s advise I started to see a difference within that first month. I was not stressed out like I was, worrying about getting everything done because it was getting done. The girls attitudes were decreasing until almost gone. My 15 year old has just this summer volunteered over 100 hours of community service projects, plus she is involved in several sports throughout the summer. Another huge benefit from taking the television away was the fresh perspective my daughter got. She had expressed to me that many of her friends and herself were under the impression that sex was no big deal. She told me that once we stopped watching television she realized that people don’t really just meet and go have sex. :eek: I was horrified when she told me that this is what 13 and 14 year old girls were thinking and no she never did that thank goodness. :angel1:
I thank God and our priest everyday through prayer for giving me that advise. I understand now how they have that perspective. Especially if you watch the tv shows that are geared toward the teenage crowds. That is all that is out there, sex, drugs, teenage pregnancy. We do watch television however I do closely monitor and we all watch shows together.
Things will always be fine when you give your burdens to God, and your not broken, just a little beaten up that can be fixed.👍

God Bless you and your family
You are in my prayers :byzsoc:
 
If it’s any help, you’re not alone.

I’ve written 4 replies and erased them all. They were too negative, even for me! 😉

I just erased the 5th reply.

It was even more negative. Funny, in a dark way. But too negative.

Sundays used to be my favorite day of the week. Now they’re my most painful. At least there is Monday to look forward to… 😦

No advice here. My own lifetime of best efforts in the motherhood department seem to be worthless.

Just a hand to hold. Hang in there.

:o

I don’t guess there’s a market out there for black humor by burnt-out Catholic mothers…

Yeah… that’s me. Trying to instill consciences in my children. My kids tell me I try to lay guilt trips on them. Well, yeah! It’s my job. I run a travel agency for guilt trips. If I had my druthers, they’d take that guilt trip by Roman slave ship, down in the hold, rowing. That’s me standing over them with the whip telling them, “Row well, and live.”

From now on, I’m just going to cut to the chase and put St. Monica holy cards in with Baptismal gifts. Spread the joy. (Hey, at least it’s not myrrh! That guy had it right!)

I’ll quit now before I go all negative again… and have to erase it all …again. 😉
 
RachaelRene said:
I know exactly what you mean. I had a similar problem with my children a few years ago. I will admit that I did spoil my children some. Not to the extent of some parents though. My children didn’t have fancy video games but they did have a lot of stuff. I began to notice with my oldest daughter that she started to have this attitude that it was her right to have stuff and not a privillege. I know that she was entering those teenage years but that is no excuse for that type of behavior. I raised her to be caring and thoughtful of others. Well she was always thoughtful of others just not her family. I started talking with our priest who gave me some great advise. It was rather dramatic but it sure did work because now two years later I have the children that God ment for me to have. Both of my girls do what they can to help out without being asked. They hardly ever ask for things. My oldest and I were getting groceries and I was going to take her out to eat as well. I made the comment that I needed to stop at an ATM and grab some cash and my daughter told me no that she had money that we would use. She told me that I didn’t need to be spending my money on stuff like that, she would.
As for the advise that I received, like I said it was dramatic. He told me to stop letting them watch television, give them set chores to do everyday, and make them truely earn the things that they need for the week, not what they want for the week.
I will admit I was rather doubtful when I was told this because my children do chores around the house and I didn’t think that we watched television that much to make a difference. However I asked for the advise so I was going to try it and see what would happen. I removed all the tv’s from the girls rooms and the extra ones in the house. We left one in the family room. For the first month no one watched television, not even me. I sat down with my girls and allowed them to participate in choosing chores, which was easier than I thought. They each have ten chores that have to be done daily before anything else can be done. That sounds like a lot but when you think about it it’s not. Simple things like make your bed, put dirty clothes in the hamper, put clean clothes away, caring for pets, ect. My children are 6 and 15 and are still doing their chores plus more. They keep tract with stickers even my 15 year old. After following our priest’s advise I started to see a difference within that first month. I was not stressed out like I was, worrying about getting everything done because it was getting done. The girls attitudes were decreasing until almost gone. My 15 year old has just this summer volunteered over 100 hours of community service projects, plus she is involved in several sports throughout the summer. Another huge benefit from taking the television away was the fresh perspective my daughter got. She had expressed to me that many of her friends and herself were under the impression that sex was no big deal. She told me that once we stopped watching television she realized that people don’t really just meet and go have sex. :eek: I was horrified when she told me that this is what 13 and 14 year old girls were thinking and no she never did that thank goodness. :angel1:
I thank God and our priest everyday through prayer for giving me that advise. I understand now how they have that perspective. Especially if you watch the tv shows that are geared toward the teenage crowds. That is all that is out there, sex, drugs, teenage pregnancy. We do watch television however I do closely monitor and we all watch shows together.
Things will always be fine when you give your burdens to God, and your not broken, just a little beaten up that can be fixed.👍

God Bless you and your family
You are in my prayers :byzsoc:
Click to expand...
GREAT POST. 👍
 
BrokenMom,
Wow! You do sound depressed. I will keep you in my prayers for strength & courage & patience.
What great advice the poster gave you about turning the TV off!
I raised my three with only one TV in the family room where everyone always was.
There were some problems anyway but they weren’t constant and we had very good days also.
One things comes to my mind as I sit here & pray for you; The Blessed Mother. She loves you and she loves your children. Also St. Joesph for your husband & son.
Sounds like you need help.
Love you in Christ Jesus,
Agatina
 
I have no advice for you, but I will be praying for you (and all the other moms who feel as you do).
 
Thank you for the replies, they are truly appreciated.

I haven’t spoken to our priest, I guess I thought I would be rude taking up but I have strongly considered counseling.

RachelRene, you don’t know how many times I have wanted to rip the televisions out of this house. We have stuck to our guns and not allowed them in their rooms, but have
one in family room and kitchen. The biggest problem with tv is dh uses it as a way to
decompress after a long day of work. Granted, he could use to benefit from not having it, as he would be forced to possibly take a walk, work out etc. Yes, we desperately need a chore chart. We all help in taking care of the house, but I am really tired of having to delegate all the time.

Liberanoso- your post actually made me chuckle and was not negative. Thanks for the chuckle and support. It means so so much. I know this sounds terrible, but I do long for the day when my kids are grown and having kids of their own.

I did go out last night for a long 30 minute walk. Cried some more and prayed to the Blessed Mother and St Joseph. I felt better and realized I need to do that more often, daily even.

Thank you again so so much for the prayers and advice. Please keep them coming.
 
AbbeyLane said:
I did go out last night for a long 30 minute walk. Cried some more and prayed to the Blessed Mother and St Joseph. I felt better and realized I need to do that more often, daily even.
Click to expand...
That sounds great! 👍 A little quiet time for yourself, coupled with praying to the Holy Family for peace. I’d also suggest reading/learning about St. Monica (join us in the St. Monica’s thread at the top of the Family Life section) and praying for her intercession.

I’d also suggest praying the chaplet of Divine Mercy for yourself and your family. It’s a wonderful devotion to our Lord Jesus and has brought me much peace. I’ll remember you and your family in my chaplets…

Sometimes, when I’m upset, I picture Jesus sitting next to me in the car, or standing next to me wherever I am, and it helps. My kids are young, so I don’t have any practical advice to offer, only the above and prayers. Best wishes to you, and please, just keep trying, keep praying, don’t give up – He’s always there. :crossrc: :hug1:
 
I had a bit more stable home although my mother was authoritarian and depressed most of her life and my father quietly suffered and worked. Both my parents are now deceased, my father died just last year and my mother died 13 years ago.
Click to expand...
Could you be at a stage in life when you, too, are truly depressed as was your mother? That can have a physical cause and a genetic link that may be worth persuing with your doctor.
 
No advice–mine are 15 and 12 and so far very helpful and good to be around. 🙂 I do agree that limiting TV is essential. We also don’t go out to the movies very often. The movies come out soon enough on video.

Like your younger son with sports, I found that it is good to have the kids involved in wholesome activites that keep them occupied and around other children/families you approve of. It will be different for every family or child, but getting them involved in something keeps them from having too much free time to get into trouble.

Your 22 yo is obviously too old for organized sports or something along those lines, but is he busy with school and work? At 22, he’s old enough to be contributing toward his own welfare (school, clothes, car, entertainment) and possibly even saving a bit. Hopefully you are not to a point where you want him out of the house, but he should definately not be getting spending money from you.

A walk and some prayer time sound like exactly what you need. Hopefully you can make that a regular part of your day–perhaps also stop by your church for a bit of quiet time and prayer in front of the tabernacle as often as possible.
 
Walking & Prayer. How good!
I feel better hearing you feeling better.
God bless you dear.
Keeping you in my prayers.
Agatina
 
BrokenMom, I know just how you feel. I have my daughter, her husband, and their new baby living with us. They are not working right now. I am trying to be understanding but it is all I can do to bite my tongue. They do chores however, so I feel better about that part of it…And my youngest son still lives with us, he is in college and doesn’t do a darn thing around the house. They are all ungrateful for what we are and have done. Or at least it seems that way.
I think my husband and I really screwed up when we raised our children, but Lord help me if I can figure out how. We took them to church every single Sunday, they were in the youth groups at church, they went to Catholic school, and we were pretty strict.
Evidently I messed up somewhere…one of my best friends said we shouldn’t have given our children unconditional love 😃 because they all know we’ll love them no matter what. Maybe we should have put strings on our love!!!
I really think that kids are taking forever to grow up in this day and time.
BUT I am giving everyone the benefit of the doubt for three more weeks, then we’re all having a “come to Jesus” meeting.
 
I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. We’re here to listen. Have you considered family counseling at all? A good idea for your teens could be to involve them more with the Mass and with spirituality at home.

Does your family do anything spiritual at home besides going to Mass? Do you pray together, have dinner and discuss your day together, say a weekly rosary together? Are the teens involved in any Catholic youth groups? Service projects are also a good way to check their spolied/self-righteous behavior at the door. WorkCamp can be a very humbling experience when teens are sent to poor/rural areas for a week to build new roofs or wheelchair ramps for those who are less fortunate. The 22-year-old may be a bit too old, but there’s a chance he can volunteer as a counselor. Can you adopt a less fortunate family at Thanksgiving or Christmastime (making food baskets or angel-tree gift tags)? Start small, and see what you can expand to.

Try not to limit religion to just Mass on Sundays. Make your kids understand that Catholicism is a way of life, not just a one-day-a-week thing. Also, this book may help:
shop.catholic.com/product.php?productid=449

Don’t give up! You’re in my prayers.
 
Belle 10- Thank you for your invitation to St Monica’s thread and for your prayers. I too picture Jesus next to me when I am down and it is so comforting.

**IrishAm- **I have been wondering about this myself, but I don’t display all the signs?

**SrSally- **Our oldest works part-time, a job provided by us:sad_yes: But even when he wasnt working, he never asks for money. He has always been a low maintenance kid,
kinda the hippy/musician type. I don’t know if he has any savings built up, I would think he would because he doesn’t spend, isnt required to pay rent, and doesn’t go out very much at all. But he is very secrative about his $. Honestly, there are days that I do want him out, because he causes me & dh so much frustration. But I understand, we need to give him more clearly defined rules and consequences and stick to them.

Agatina- thank you thank you thank you for your prayers and support, it means so much.
**
Musician**- YOU are in my prayers. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don’t know if loving our kids unconditionally creates bad and ungreatful kids. What I have been told by other parents of adult children with issues is that they wish they hadn’t done so much for them. In other words, they wish they had made them work and earn and have consequences. I don’t think doing that means we don’t love them unconditionally. I am sure you didn’t screw up.
I know a family, a very functional loving catholic family that currently is doing the same as you. Their son graduated college and got married, wife became pregnant and then they had to move in with them. As far as I know they are still there and she is due to have baby #2. I’m certainly not saying that if you don’t do the same, you are not a loving and or supportive parent. I think we all have our own tolerance for things, and I cannot blame or judge you for wanting your daughter and husband to be out on their own. I too have heard that kids are taking longer to grow up, but again I think its because too much is still being done for them, why would they want to grow up? Again, thats just my opinion. My husband and I were fiercly independent, but then again our circumstances were different.
I will be praying for you and your meeting. Thanks again for your reply, it means alot.
God Bless.
 
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