Broken relationship over my faith

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Bmelc

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Hello,

I am new to the forum and wanted to discuss why I am here. But before I do that I wanted to make sure I can post here for a relationship question or advice.
 
I was in a committed relationship with a Christian girl for over a year who is my age at 27. She became my everything in life that I wanted to have. I am blessed in many other regards in life, but this was something that I prayed for continually at Church. Side note: I go to a Latin Mass. She was funny, attractive, stood by me many times at different points in the relationship, was a family girl, and most importantly had a great heart.

Fast forward to yesterday. We ended our relationship in front of a psych that we have been going to for the last month or so. I am so utterly saddened by this and my heart is broken. I’ve never been in a relationship for the amount of time that we were together and found that I would never see this day happen to us.

The time in which things were slowly going downhill for us was once marriage/religion was contemplated by her . We would argue about our church backgrounds, (she goes to a non denominational Christian church), our concepts of faith, how we were going to raise our children, etc.

This has tested us both for the last 3 months until yesterday. All I want to know is how can I pray and get what I want from God, and then have it torn away from me? She was my heart and felt like my soulmate in life.

We have tried going to our mentors in our faith, took a break, made an effort to see individual psych’s, prayed continually, etc. I don’t know what I am going to do now. I am finishing college and have one year left but this is making me almost sickened inside.
 
One possible way to look at it is that the breakup is saving you heartache down the road. With your ex-GF not being Catholic, it’s nearly inevitable that there would have been conflicts over faith. Would she have been open to not using any form of birth control outside of NFP? Most protestants don’t see a problem with using birth control. Would she have been willing for any children to be raised in the Catholic faith? Would she have been willing to attend Mass every Sunday with the family? Would she have seen marriage as a permanent and indissoluble Sacrament?

Had you married and later found that you could not agree on these issues, and others, it would undoubtedly have been more heartbreaking then.

Perhaps the blessing here for you is that you know more about what you do want in a relationship, so that when you are ready to date again you can seek a person out that meets those criteria.

And it’s always possible that this may be a catalyst for your ex-GF, that causes her to reconsider her own beliefs and perhaps come into the Catholic faith and you can pray for that but God won’t make that happen unless she cooperates with His Grace so don’t get upset if it doesn’t happen because it’s not a failure of God’s but rather one of her refusing to cooperate with His Grace.
 
AKDee said:
One possible way to look at it is that the breakup is saving you heartache down the road. With your ex-GF not being Catholic, it’s nearly inevitable that there would have been conflicts over faith. Would she have been open to not using any form of birth control outside of NFP? Most protestants don’t see a problem with using birth control. Would she have been willing for any children to be raised in the Catholic faith? Would she have been willing to attend Mass every Sunday with the family? Would she have seen marriage as a permanent and indissoluble Sacrament?

Had you married and later found that you could not agree on these issues, and others, it would undoubtedly have been more heartbreaking then.

Perhaps the blessing here for you is that you know more about what you do want in a relationship, so that when you are ready to date again you can seek a person out that meets those criteria.

And it’s always possible that this may be a catalyst for your ex-GF, that causes her to reconsider her own beliefs and perhaps come into the Catholic faith and you can pray for that but God won’t make that happen unless she cooperates with His Grace so don’t get upset if it doesn’t happen because it’s not a failure of God’s but rather one of her refusing to cooperate with His Grace.
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Beautifully stated!

OP, I want you to know that I’m praying for you. Welcome to the forum! I hope that we are able to give you some comfort whether by prayers or advice.
 
I went through a breakup at almost the same age with the boyfriend who I’d hoped to marry. Like you, I had prayed to God to fix the problems in the relationship, but God said no. And many years later, I am thankful that He did. The guy in question had even been raised Catholic, but had been away from the Church and though he started attending Mass, there were serious differences in our levels of following Church teaching regarding Mass and Holyday obligation, Confession, and other things.

The thing that actually made me realize I had to bite the bullet and break up with him after two years (too long, I should’ve moved on about 18 months prior) was his firmly expressed desire never to have children.

The breakup was devastating, and I had a really hard time. In my pain and turmoil I even went off the rails for awhile and did some things I’m very sorry and regretful about, but God has forgiven me and I learned from my mistakes. But one reason I got so twisted up, I think, is that I was fighting God’s will and fighting reality instead of mourning and moving on. Try not to let that happen to you, and pray to be able to wish your ex the best and to pray for her. God will take care of each of you in His time and in His way.

Keep going to your own counseling if that’s helping you, and besides that find some enjoyable and constructive outlets to keep yourself from sliding into a black hole of depression. Reconnect with something you used to do or try something new you’ve always wanted to. Don’t date on the rebound but don’t wait too long either - but make sure you’ve had time to assimilate the lessons this has brought before dating someone else - or reconsidering your vocation, or whatever. Take good care of your nutrition and sleep and exercise, and you will bounce back sooner. God bless you!
 
I truly agree with the other posters that, should you have married, there would have been issues down the line. I remember briefly dating guys of other faiths, and it just didn’t feel right. When I met my husband, he was equally devout (actually, a co-worker and classmate of his in college encouraged me to date him). I can honestly say we still had issues even coming from the same faith because my formation was better than his. However, as he studied more about the faith, I can say he may be better formed than me. 😉

I know it does not take away your hurt. We are going to confession at Czestochowa Shrine tomorrow, and I will offer your intentions to our Holy Mother. God bless you.
 
Thank you everyone for your support and responses. She is just very important to me and is one of a kind. God made her a beautiful woman.
 
Bmelc said:
Thank you everyone for your support and responses. She is just very important to me and is one of a kind. God made her a beautiful woman.
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She sounds like a lovely girl, but God has someone else for you. It’s better to move on now and keep yourself open to His plan for your future.
 
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Rom 8:28.

I have filed for divorce from my wife. We went to counseling with a psyche as u would say, and with my pastor recently. Without getting into parameters, everything I did started to be wrong. I was/am scrutinized on an almost daily basis. Absolutely no forgiveness in her heart. Christianity is a cult and we are all brainwashed. No room for error; gotta be perfect. On and on. So I am giving her up to GOD. I feel your pain. I have been somewhat hardened, but it won’t be a good Christmas. My wife is very pretty, but her heart is cold. And she is ignorant somewhat. So she will know the truth in time and I am sad for her now. We were close when we went to church together. She has said she hates GOD and i think that is cuz of her hate for me. I tried for 18 yrs. Not perfect for sure. I will miss her somewhat, but whatever happens let it be the LORD’s will. I pray for your heart to be healed and remember that people are dying for believing. Praying for them may help your healing. Merry Christmas friend.
 
Tonight she has decided along with me to tell my parents together, who she always felt close to. This is going to be a hard night for everyone I am sure.
 
Bmelc said:
The time in which things were slowly going downhill for us was once marriage/religion was contemplated by her . We would argue about our church backgrounds, (she goes to a non denominational Christian church), our concepts of faith, how we were going to raise our children, etc.

This has tested us both for the last 3 months until yesterday. All I want to know is how can I pray and get what I want from God, and then have it torn away from me? She was my heart and felt like my soulmate in life.
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Hi and welcome to Catholic answers!
I am sorry for the heart break that you are experiencing. Know that others have gone before you, experienced something similar, and have been able to move forward once the time of grieving for the loss is over. You will too in time because you are able to look to God for strength, for guidance, for courage.

This was a hard lesson to learn. Other faiths do have issues with the Catholic Church, so now you know. But find courage! God has plans for you! But in the meantime offer to God, in union with the suffering of Christ, your sufferings and heart ache. Thank God for Jesus born to us! His Son given to us! That we have the Bread of Life! We have the sacrament of reconciliation where we can come back into the friendship of God. We have our Blessed Mother who is such a powerful intercessor for us! Our faith is so rich. My prayer is that one day you will have a Catholic life partner that will bless and encourage you to walk in the faith and will be your partner in the raising of a family, God willing. This is a beautiful thing, so full of God’s grace that it’s worth waiting for. Praying for. That day will be in your future. Tell God that you can’t wait to see what he has planned for you! And pray for your future wife, that God keep and guide her, and that you can’t wait to meet her. May God console you today and strengthen you in the days ahead.
 
Bmelc said:
Tonight she has decided along with me to tell my parents together, who she always felt close to. This is going to be a hard night for everyone I am sure.
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It will be, and I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I can tell you from personal experience, though, that as difficult as this is now, it’s better to make the break now. I messed up a lot of things in my life and it was my own disordered thinking- doing things my way instead of God’s way- that has caused a lot of my problems. If I could go back and change things, I would. I hope when the time comes that are ready to date again that you will seek out a fellow practicing Catholic to avoid the heartache that comes from a spiritual mismatch.

God bless you.
 
1990Domer said:
I truly agree with the other posters that, should you have married, there would have been issues down the line. I remember briefly dating guys of other faiths, and it just didn’t feel right. When I met my husband, he was equally devout (actually, a co-worker and classmate of his in college encouraged me to date him). I can honestly say we still had issues even coming from the same faith because my formation was better than his. However, as he studied more about the faith, I can say he may be better formed than me. 😉

I know it does not take away your hurt. We are going to confession at Czestochowa Shrine tomorrow, and I will offer your intentions to our Holy Mother. God bless you.
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Your story is very similar to mine. But with my level of faith, I sometimes don’t have all of the answers and I admit that, but most of the time I know the answer exists in our faith. I don’t know but once I was dating girl of extreme faith and I felt almost belittled. But who knows. I just love this girl with all of my heart and I think I will continually pray for her in what ever she does in life. She is so firm and set in her ways though about Catholic life, and I don’t understand why. Only once did I think maybe she was trying to learn the mass from me at Easter this year and that thought probably brought me to this moment now. I just held on.
 
She also likes to sing immensely and loves music, and this is why I feel she is so attached to her non denominational church now at this time. And I applaud her for it ALOT because she has a great voice and maybe I also thought she would sing at my mass at some point, but it never came to be.
 
i am so sorry, I’m sure she did mean the world to you. It’ll hurt for a while. Keep praying about it and for her like you currently are. You need Him to lean on right now. Continue fighting for your faith for Satan is aware and he will do what he can to bring you down. Don’t let him. This is one of the tests of your faith.

Somewhere out there, you will meet your wife (assuming you’re called to the married life.) You are young and experiencing heartbreak. It may take a while, but He will guide you and help you back on your feet. Keep praying. Ask God to take this experience and turn it into something great. Ask Him to help you become a better man so when you do marry your wife, you will be able to present her to God and say “here is your daughter, I took care of her”

I will pray for you as well as everyone else having relationship problems. God Bless!
 
OP, one item that strikes me is the number of posts where you praise this lady: she’s beautiful; sings beautifully; is wonderful, etc.

I respectfully note that all these things may be true - but your saying it is not helping you or anyone else.

You might choose to consider instead that she does not share your faith or values, and never will. Why? Because it will help you deal with this breakup IMHO. No one is perfect; and she is clearly not perfect for you.

I was in a serious relationship many years ago with a non-catholic. When we broke up it was hard on me because she was such a wonderful lady - and looking back, that breakup was one of the best things to happen to me, because someone better came along. So too will it surely be for you.

My 0.02$.
 
Bmelc said:
Tonight she has decided along with me to tell my parents together, who she always felt close to. This is going to be a hard night for everyone I am sure.
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OP, don’t do this to yourself. I would think this would only cause you to add to your pain, not lessen it, especially right before the holidays. Not only would this hamper your healing, but I can imagine it to be incredibly awkward for the both of you and your parents. If there is some concern that your parents might be dissappointed in your ex and the ending of the relationship, I think that’s a conversation you need to have with them privately. Assure them of your ex’s concerns if you need to, but again, it’s not necessary to have her be present to state her case to your parents as to why she broke up with you. In the end though, they should be your support system as you go through this rough time.

I know that you said that she is “one of a kind” and in that I agree. However we ALL are one of a kind. I know it’s hard to see it now, because right now you don’t know your future spouse other than some random girl out there. However, OP, God will send you a girl who is “one of a kind” - the one of a kind woman that he intended for you from the beginning.
 
I just have one more question for everyone on this forum. When souls are judged and if we are not in a state of grace, how can the world not have a way to get us into a state of grace without confession or saying a perfect AOC? Does this mean that Christians like my girlfriend are dammed unless they go to confession? I mean I know confession is a sacrament of God’s love, but are all of those souls on earth who do not go dammed for not going?
 
Evania said:
OP, don’t do this to yourself. I would think this would only cause you to add to your pain, not lessen it, especially right before the holidays. Not only would this hamper your healing, but I can imagine it to be incredibly awkward for the both of you and your parents. If there is some concern that your parents might be dissappointed in your ex and the ending of the relationship, I think that’s a conversation you need to have with them privately. Assure them of your ex’s concerns if you need to, but again, it’s not necessary to have her be present to state her case to your parents as to why she broke up with you. In the end though, they should be your support system as you go through this rough time.

I know that you said that she is “one of a kind” and in that I agree. However we ALL are one of a kind. I know it’s hard to see it now, because right now you don’t know your future spouse other than some random girl out there. However, OP, God will send you a girl who is “one of a kind” - the one of a kind woman that he intended for you from the beginning.
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We already had this happen. She came over and I told my parents. It went ok. My parents haven’t been questioned about their faith in a long time so maybe it had some possible effect on them too.
 
Bmelc said:
I just have one more question for everyone on this forum. When souls are judged and if we are not in a state of grace, how can the world not have a way to get us into a state of grace without confession or saying a perfect AOC? Does this mean that Christians like my girlfriend are dammed unless they go to confession? I mean I know confession is a sacrament of God’s love, but are all of those souls on earth who do not go dammed for not going?
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God doesn’t limit Himself to only forgiving people through confession. He can forgive people anytime they ask Him for His mercy- such as when Jesus forgave the good thief from the cross, even though that thief had never participated in any of the sacraments. But with confession, we have the advantage of knowing for sure we have been forgiven. Any other way, you are left unsure- but with Confession you have a priest standing en persona Christi who says “I absolve you” and you know then you have been forgiven which, I’m sure you know, is a huge relief and also makes you eligible again for the Eucharist.

Additionally, there is a concept called “invincible ignorance” where a protestant might be forgiven certain transgressions simply because they didn’t know any better and our God is a God of Mercy.

So your GF is not necessarily doomed for not being a Catholic.
 
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