Brother against Brother

  • Thread starter Thread starter leschornmom
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
L

leschornmom

Guest
Okay, I have a big family. I am happy to say that as far as being kind to one another goes my children are normally the examples that people at church use for how they want their children to treat one another. I mean they don’t even PLAY rough normally.

Here’s the problem My two oldest boys (#3 & #4 of 6) have been fighting for three weeks. They’ve become physical with one another on more than one occasion and today, after several time outs and a nap because of the fighting, my oldest son gave my middle son a bloody nose! In fact we’re waiting for the swelling to go down to see if it’s broken or not.

Needless to say I was VERY upset over this. I called my husband at work and cried to him because I am scared to death that this is just the beginning. He and his twin brother fought all through out their childhood and still don’t really get along. He told me that they’re boys and that they’re gonna do this and theres nothing we can do about it except try to keep them from aiming for the face. AAAHHHH!!!

Dont get me wrong, I love my hubby but I think he’s totally wrong on this one. Any suggestions? I want my boys to be best friends for life. I want them to know they can depend on one another all the time and to love and support each other. How do I do that?
 
I wish I knew the answer. I have two daughters that fought constantly when they were little and they still do.

I’ve been told that the best thing to do is to stay out of their fights as much as possible and not take sides. Of course, when they get physical, that’s a different story. I’m sure some of the other posters have better advice.

Shannin
 
I do not have children, so I don’t have any wisdom in this department. But the new shows called Nanny911 and Supernanny have given me quite a bit of info for when I do have a family.

How old are the two boys?

You mention this started 3 weeks ago…why? What changed?

I agree with you that your husband may not have the best view of this.

I hope some other posters who have been through this will offer some sound advice.

All I can suggest is

behavior=consequences.

If they fight, no matter who started it for whatever reason, they BOTH get a privelege or favorite toy taken away. They need to learn how to resolve conflict without violence.

If they do something nice together, like play a video game or kick a ball in the yard without fighting, reward them.

They key, as far as I understand it, is that these good and bad consequences be absolutely predictable…no suprises.

And, of course, do what you say you will, no exceptions.

I hope you get some better advice!

Malia
 
Feanaro's Wife:
How old are the two boys?

You mention this started 3 weeks ago…why? What changed?
Click to expand...
They are 3 1/2 and 5 in September. We had baby #6 about 6 weeks ago. I’m not sure if that would cause what’s going on between them or not. They ADORE her, and she’s a good baby so I’ve been able to devote just as much time to them as before I had her (if not more) because I was on bed rest for a few weeks before she came.
 
I have a problem with my younger brother. He is 31 and I am 35. We have been at odds for a while now. It would be easy for me to lay him out on his butt, but it would make the family divide even more. He has always wanted to fight me and once he threw a beer bottle at me in my own home. It would have been easy for me to take it to him, but with my training in TKD and Kickboxing held me back and I gave him the option to leave or get his butt kicked.

Ever since then we have not spoken that much. At family gatherings you can just fell the tension and everyone knows it. The sad part is that my kids really love their uncle, but I refuse to have them around him. If your kids are young, you have to do something right now to correct their friendship. Yes they are brothers, but are they friends. Your husband and his brothers have no friendship, as well as my brother and I. If anything thats what I miss the most is the friendship. 😦

Your boys are 3 1/2 and 5 years and they are punching each other in the face. Something might be wrong if they are that young and already getting physical. Your 5 year old bleed the 3 1/2 one’s nose. I hate to ask this but is your husband active in raising the boys and how is your marriage? Just wondering.
 
40.png
leschornmom:
Okay, I have a big family. I am happy to say that as far as being kind to one another goes my children are normally the examples that people at church use for how they want their children to treat one another. I mean they don’t even PLAY rough normally.

Here’s the problem My two oldest boys (#3 & #4 of 6) have been fighting for three weeks. They’ve become physical with one another on more than one occasion and today, after several time outs and a nap because of the fighting, my oldest son gave my middle son a bloody nose! In fact we’re waiting for the swelling to go down to see if it’s broken or not.

Needless to say I was VERY upset over this. I called my husband at work and cried to him because I am scared to death that this is just the beginning. He and his twin brother fought all through out their childhood and still don’t really get along. He told me that they’re boys and that they’re gonna do this and theres nothing we can do about it except try to keep them from aiming for the face. AAAHHHH!!!

Dont get me wrong, I love my hubby but I think he’s totally wrong on this one. Any suggestions? I want my boys to be best friends for life. I want them to know they can depend on one another all the time and to love and support each other. How do I do that?
Click to expand...
Get them into counseling ASAP…something brewing underneath between them that they probably don’t know how to verbalize…the counselor will help them identify the underlying issue and then they can build from there.

Oops!

Should have finished reading the thread…they’re 3 1/2 and 5??? I thought they were 12 or something. That’s different. Sorry. :o

Then I side with the poster who recommended what she saw on Nanny 911…

Really, it take a lot of energy on your part in the beginning, but if you don’t nip it in the bud now it will get increasingly worse. This is your opportunity to teach them physical violence is NEVER acceptable with the family. NEVER!
 
I wouldn’t let the older one off one iota. However, I would look into what the younger one did that might have percipitated the incident.
 
I don’t know if this helps. My younger sister and I used to fight constantly. I beat her over the head with a hairbrush once when she called me a b*tch. When she was young I informed her that she was adopted and that her real mom was going to take her home.(Not true) She used to tell me that I was stupid and dumb and one time purposely melted a coacroach in my hot chocolate.

How do we get along now? Perfectly. My sister is the sweetest funniest person that I know. I named my youngest son after her and my brother(Kristie, Michael) Christopher Michael. I admire my sister very much.

What changed? Time. Also, despite the battles, we actually liked each other a lot. I know that sounds strange, but I liked being with her most of the time. We just went through periods were we wanted to kill each other.:rolleyes:

Oddly enough my own children don’t fight that much. These are some things that I have learned to help my kids.

Five and 3 year olds don’t have a lot of words yet to describe their anger. I would try to teach them how to verbally express themselves. This has helped in our house. Just being able to say, without getting punished, that your sibling is making you mad can be enpowering for a child. Admiting anger can also diffuse a situation.

Praise them for even two minutes of good behavior. Tell them stories about how special brothers are too each other. In my next post I put a few examples of stories. Old fairy tales often talk about loyalty between brothers.

I tell my boys that friends will come and go, but they will be brothers to the end.

Never, in front of the boys, compare the two. This instantly sets them at odds with one another.

I punish both people in the arguement. Younger siblings can torture an older child behind the parent’s back and I have seen instance after instance where the parent ignores the younger child’s nonviolent cruelty but punish the older one for reacting. PUnish both. If they fight over a toy, take the toy away. My girls have really learned to compromise because of fear that I will take their toys.
 
Stories are really good with kids and can gently teach them lessons. Make up stories about brothers that help one another. I used to tell my boys Prince Josh and Prince Chris stories. They were princes sent on an assignment to map their father’s kingdom, they got to meet all kinds of weird characters and situations that their characters had to cooperate to figure out.

Here is an old fairy tale that I read once in a book. WHenever my kids fought, I would tell them this story.

A man had seven sons who fought constantly. One day the man told each of his sons to bring him two sticks. He took one stick from each boy and broke them. Then he took the second stick from each boy and tied them in a bundle. He instructed the boys to break the bundle. Not one of his sons could. The father explained that like the single sticks, they were not always strong alone but when they stood together, like the bundle, nothing and noone could defeat them.

People don’t often realize this but stories like the above really do influence your child’s actions.
 
On my way:
Your boys are 3 1/2 and 5 years and they are punching each other in the face. Something might be wrong if they are that young and already getting physical. Your 5 year old bleed the 3 1/2 one’s nose. I hate to ask this but is your husband active in raising the boys and how is your marriage? Just wondering.
Click to expand...
My goodness, My marrage is fine. My husband is one of the most actively involved, and loving fathers you could ever ask for. Like I said our children are normally VERY kind to one another. Though my Malachi (the 3 yr old) can be a bit of a “free spirit” from time to time.

I have a bit of a theory… I was thinking about it earlier today. We recently got cable. Before that we were a no TV family. We have cut out the TV a few days ago because I thought it was getting out of hand, but I still need to deal with the issue at hand. What I need is some good advise on redirecting their behavior and maybe some points on disipline.
 
40.png
deb1:
Stories are really good with kids and can gently teach them lessons. Make up stories about brothers that help one another. I used to tell my boys Prince Josh and Prince Chris stories. They were princes sent on an assignment to map their father’s kingdom, they got to meet all kinds of weird characters and situations that their characters had to cooperate to figure out.

Here is an old fairy tale that I read once in a book. WHenever my kids fought, I would tell them this story.

A man had seven sons who fought constantly. One day the man told each of his sons to bring him two sticks. He took one stick from each boy and broke them. Then he took the second stick from each boy and tied them in a bundle. He instructed the boys to break the bundle. Not one of his sons could. The father explained that like the single sticks, they were not always strong alone but when they stood together, like the bundle, nothing and noone could defeat them.

People don’t often realize this but stories like the above really do influence your child’s actions.
Click to expand...
thank you so much for your advise. I think I’ll share that story with ALL of my kiddies tomarrow.🙂
 
I fought with my brother until I was in middle school, sometimes physically. Just simple sibling rivalry; I was youngest, and he was relegated to “one of the middle children.” Give it some years, they’ll be fine.

Oh, and spankings work wonders. The thought of my dad’s hand deterred more than a few fights.

God bless.

+Joel
 
Having been involved in more than one sibling squabble, I think the most effective thing to do is as follows:

No matter what started it or who started it, put the object they were fighting over out of reach for a set period of time. Put both of them in time out. The conditions for time out: Each can only be let out when the other says it’s okay. This may be considered dirty pool for some, but it worked for me.
 
after several time outs and a nap because of the fighting, my oldest son gave my middle son a bloody nose! In fact we’re waiting for the swelling to go down to see if it’s broken or not.

People will hate me for this but, when my kids don’t listen, I get out the belt. They see the belt and simply listen better, I have yet to USE it on them, but the threat is enough to make them listen. I am sorry but your eldest should have his butt tanned(with your hand or a wooden spoon) for giving his brother a bloody nose…
 
Oh, and spankings work wonders. The thought of my dad’s hand deterred more than a few fights.

I am glad I am not the only one who brought it up. But we will be accused of teaching children to solve problems with violence and being abusive. Funny it worked on our grandparents and they didn’t deal with school shootings.
 
40.png
Lilyofthevalley:
Sgt Sweaters:
Oh, and spankings work wonders. The thought of my dad’s hand deterred more than a few fights.
Click to expand...
I am glad I am not the only one who brought it up. But we will be accused of teaching children to solve problems with violence and being abusive. Funny it worked on our grandparents and they didn’t deal with school shootings.
Click to expand...
“Whoever spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” Prov 13:24 (ESV)
 
40.png
leschornmom:
My goodness, My marrage is fine. My husband is one of the most actively involved, and loving fathers you could ever ask for. Like I said our children are normally VERY kind to one another. Though my Malachi (the 3 yr old) can be a bit of a “free spirit” from time to time.

I have a bit of a theory… I was thinking about it earlier today. We recently got cable. Before that we were a no TV family. We have cut out the TV a few days ago because I thought it was getting out of hand, but I still need to deal with the issue at hand. What I need is some good advise on redirecting their behavior and maybe some points on disipline.
Click to expand...
I’m glad everything is going good with your husband and marriage. The only reason I asked, is because that has alot to do with young children getting out of control. It may just be a thing between the 2 boys that needs to be fixed. What works for me is that I take my kids with me to Tae Kwon Do and kickboxing. My son is involved with me in both. He has learned that it is not right to hit anyone. The only time I told him he could hit someone is if he or his sister is in danger of getting hurt by someone. Maybe get your kids into some form of martial arts, for it is a good way to get your kids to learn some discipline. It works for my kids and it may also work for your’s. You have a big family, why not get the whole family involved, that may bring everyone closer together. There is absolutly no fighting allowed in my house.
 
On my way:
You have a big family, why not get the whole family involved, that may bring everyone closer together. There is absolutly no fighting allowed in my house.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the tip I have heard that martial art can be good for discipline. (I’ve never had a problem with a child not having any self control before now, so I don’t know through expiriene) I do have two issues with this solution though. The first is finances. We have tight buget and I have a strict rule that if they can’t all do something none of them can. Unfortunately, I just can’t sqeeze classes for all of them right now.
My other problem would be that I would be afraid of what my 4yr-old could do with just enough knowledge about martial arts to REALLY hurt some one. Do they teach the self control part first?
 
I’m 21. My brother is 18. My mother would say that we’ve been in a constant state of fighting ever since we met.

Why are they fighting? Little squabbles? Or are they fighting simply for the sake of hurting each other? There are pecking order issues that’s probably going on in their minds subconciously. That was mostly it for my brother and I. We fought to see who sat on top of the totem pole. In fact that’s really what ended it for us. Our mother -established- a pecking order for us to follow. The older always get the front seat of the car, because he’s older. The older gets to stay up later, because he’s older. The younger gets the easy chores, because he’s younger. And etcetera.

I dunno. When he was being bratty and obnoxious, I’d pop him in the mouth. All of a sudden he’s not bothering me anymore. When I was being oppressive, he’d toss a flashlight at me. All of a sudden I’m not bothering him anymore. Even to this day when he gives me the I-'m-a-teenager-and-know-everything-and-I-drive-a-fast-car-and-go-to-the-gym attitude and gets in my face, it’s five across the eyes. When I give him the I’m-older-more-mature-college-intellectual-know-how-the-world-works-because-I’ve-lived-on-my-own attidtude and I get in his face, it’s an elbow in the stomach. Don’t get me wrong. We do have that brotherly love thing going on and do spend a great majority of our time on friendly terms. So yeah… roundabout way of saying I think it’s natural for brothers to fight.

(Quick note, as for Martial Arts. I’ve been instructed in Kuk Sool Won and Kodan Kan. The Sensai -always- hammered the discipline and self control. In fact, he told us if he ever got report that we fought in school he’d drop us from the class. It’s a big thing in the Martial Arts I’ve learned. Fighting is -only- a last resort. Lau Tsu, who authored The Art of War, wrote one battle won with words is worth one thousand battles won with violence. Or something along those lines.)
 
40.png
Lilyofthevalley:
after several time outs and a nap because of the fighting, my oldest son gave my middle son a bloody nose! In fact we’re waiting for the swelling to go down to see if it’s broken or not.

People will hate me for this but, when my kids don’t listen, I get out the belt. They see the belt and simply listen better, I have yet to USE it on them, but the threat is enough to make them listen. I am sorry but your eldest should have his butt tanned(with your hand or a wooden spoon) for giving his brother a bloody nose…
Click to expand...
I don’t have anything against spankings, as long as it is not your primary form of discipline. Spankings loose some of their effectiveness when used too often. I do think that **both **children should be punished. Any body with a younger sibling can attest to the fact that the younger one is usually as guilty as the older child. In fact, punishing just the older child can build up resentment. Often the younger is doing something every bit as nasty, he just doesn’t have the physical ability to cause bodily harm.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top