My brother is a Brother and stayed at out home over the holiday season. We are not where we would like to be financially, in part due to partially flood related 25K USD real estate loss, and he made several condescending remarks regarding our situation. Most of them were to my wife, but I received enough to not doubt it was a miscommunication.
I’m lapsed, but I didn’t expect this from a Church affiliate. I also don’t trust myself to have a non-attack discussion due to the hurt caused to my wife. A point my wife often brought up is that he doesn’t have to manage his own living expenses, how is he justified in this attitude? Any advice would be appreciated.
Sorry you’re having difficulties with family.
I’ve had some sometimes where I once remember trying to schedule a surgery rather than go for a visit. That’s how stressful I found it.
There are different ways to handle this, each to his own.
Here are a few ideas I have come up from dealing with my own family over the year, which I HAVE used, and I thought HAVE helped me.
Okay…here goes…
With my family, I try not to stay in the same house with family, for starters. I try to rent a hotel room and have a rental car. If things get rough, I try to have sort of like an escape route, a Plan B to implement, a place where I can retreat to when the going gets too tough for me.
Also, I had a family member in the past visits help act as an intermediary, and we made a “truce” not to discuss areas…of, say, politics or religion. My family tried to talk about this, anyway, and luckily, the “intermediary” happened to be present when it happened, reminded my family that we had all already agreed not to talk about…X.
I try to limit the time of the visit more when I am with people I clash with, total time, try to limit it to a maximum of about 3 days. Also, I try to limit the exposure, each time, depends on the person, how much I limit it.
I have some people we clash within about 1 hour or so! lol
I have some people, family and friends, I simply can’t handle in person. These people, I e-mail or use Face Book, or Skype. Even with that, I limit things. I limit how long we talk, what we talk about, avoid certain topics completely.
I have some family members that I just simply can’t be in contact with, because they are simply too abusive towards me. We fight, and I “walk on eggshells” the entire time. I am not at peace until we are in a “cut off” position, but that is really a last resort.
It would be nice if, before the visit, something could be arranged where that a truce would be called…that you, (since it is your family), would, in private, ask your brother if he would not mention that issue in the future since it is a sensitive topic for ya’ all.
I had a friend of mine who, with her son, who had failed his first attempt at his exam to be a doctor. She said he had failed, asked me not to ask about, or talk about it, since it would only hurt his feelings, further. He took it again, passed.
I appreciated that my friend had guided me, told me he failed, and how to handle him. It helped me. I agreed, didn’t say one word about it from that point on, like it had never even happened.
Now, if you brother tries to raise the sensitive issue…“Nice weather we’re having”…change the subject. My mother used to sometimes say when she saw us getting ready to argue and say, “Change the subject!”
You and your wife could rig some signals ahead of time, kick eachother under the table, etc.
Insofar as family goes, I had one friend who said how he, and his girlfriend, agreed to handle family issues. His philosophy was, “My family…I need to deal with it”. If it’s her family, she deals with it.
I have difficult relating to my family, actually. I have developed a different philosophy about family, entirely. In some ways, my “family” is here in Mexico, though they aren’t blood relatives. Emotionally, I am not close to anybody in my family despite the fact it’s HUGE!
I’ve had people here who have sort of “adopted” me.
I don´t know exactly how that all works, WHY we feel closer with some people, not others…compatability. It’s all complex. I had gone to counseling for a time in an attempt to try to help me but gave up on that, basically, decided to accept the situation for what it is.
Now, your case sounds quite different. It sounds like it might be isolated to just one issue, possibly…and also in the style of communication. The issue…avoiding it, one would hope would be easy…to ask, and unless he is totally unreasonable, he should be able to respect your wishes.
As to sort of an abusive style of communication…condescending…THAT sounds much harder to work with. I have never had much success trying to change people who are like that, speaking for myself. I find it easier to avoid than to try to change, but perhaps someone online has found a way.
I once had a friend who was VERY sarcastic, funny but sarcastic. I tried to tell her it hurrt my feelings. She said that was her way, that she knew she was sarcastic, wasn’t about to change. So, we’ve headed our separate ways, because on one occasion, I came home in tears after talking with her. She would sometimes be the opposite of supportive, kick me when I was down.
Those are a handful of ways I’ve tried. I don’t know if any of that is helpful or not, but there it is.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
God bless you!
