Brother converted to Islam. What is there to do?

[p1990]

My brother converted to islam mainly so that he would be able to marry his wife. Otherwise he is the same person and I believe that deep down he still believes all the Catholic teachings and values we grew up with.

Should I do anything? I love him and his family all the same. it would be ideal if he and his family were Catholic though.

Also what can be done about my sister? She said some unpleasant things out of the blue about my brother becoming muslim (years after the fact) and now they dont really talk any more and it has become awkward between them.

I pray that they will get along and that in the future their kids will be close but I dont know, its like the damage has been done when my sister told him that she would feel uncomfortable about their kids playing together because they are muslim. Her fiances family came from a country where a lot of muslims kill Christians so I think thats where all their bias comes from.

Now if that were true I still think it was wrong for my sister to say something like that to my brother which really hurt him. I mean if those things happen in some third world country then thats an issue with them, just because my brother is muslim now doesnt mean he is some jihadist or something

 

[Coatimundi]

If your brother converted years ago, does he still keep the requirements of being Muslim?

Why would your sister be uncomfortable with your brother’s children playing with her own? Does she consider Muslim children to be a threat? If so, in what way?

As for family togetherness, do you still have annual family gatherings? Or do you guys only come together for weddings, funerals and similar events?

 

[Nan_S]

It might help if we knew what country or countries your family is living in. National politics can make a big difference in attitudes. Does either your brother’s wife have or sister’s fiancée have close relatives in a predominantly Muslim country, and if so is that country a strongly conservative Muslim country? If so, that could intensify the mutual disdain and make social contact particularly difficult.

If I understand you correctly, your siblings were raised Catholic, but your brother converted to Islam quite a while ago. Now your sister is engaged and her fiancée objects to socializing with Muslims. Correct?

This sort of thing happens when kids grow up and form new family relationships. The differences could have been racial, or economic, or political, or educational. This time they were religious differences. It happens.

I think that your sister is either voicing some things that she has kept silent about in the past, or echoing her fiancée’s thoughts. Either way, the family relationship has become strained and there’s not a lot you can do about it on a deeper level. It is their right to raise their kids as they feel best, and if they want those kids to not be exposed to certain things that is also their right. Any attempts you make to go behind their backs to “bridge” the gap between the kids will probably draw anger from both sides.

On the surface, however, I have my father’s advice to pass on: Be civil. If someone has done nothing to harm you, you have no excuse to treat them badly.

 

[p1990]

1. If your brother converted years ago, does he still keep the requirements of being Muslim?
2. Why would your sister be uncomfortable with your brother’s children playing with her own? Does she consider Muslim children to be a threat? If so, in what way?
3. As for family togetherness, do you still have annual family gatherings? Or do you guys only come together for weddings, funerals and similar events?

1. Well more like 3 or 4 years ago. As far as I cant tell then extent of his practice is not eating pork anymore lol. He doesnt go to mosque and dont think he prays like them or any of those practices. Pretty much like a how a lot of non-practicing people are these days. They just ID as X religion but otherwise go about their day like most people do. His wife doesnt even wear the hijab or anything. If you saw them down the street you wouldnt even realize they were muslim unless they told you.
2. I talked to her about it and she said she doesnt know what my brothers kids grandparents (the muslim side) are going to be telling my brothers kids. She has this idea because of the killings and that sort of stuff in her fiances old country that “muslims are taught to hate non-muslims.” Thats what she said to my brother.

She also said that she wants her kids to be religious and doesnt want to be worried about being politically correct about telling her kids about the going ons in those arab countries and about being Catholic. The ironic thing is that by the sounds of it, it seems more like SHE is the one who is wanting to teach to hate/fear muslims.

I mean i understand her fiances families fears if thats what they grew up and is what their relatives still deal with in those countries, but those are issues in those countries. it also doesnt help when you start hearing about stuff like ISIS.

1. I know my brother tries to be civil but he is bitter about what my sister said to him and my sister is trying to be all civil too but its really awkward. Like you can tell they are trying to make some effort when they are with each other but its just awkward because the damage was done. I dont think the rest of the family notices anything because in bigger family events they kind of try to ‘act natural’ to each other to save face. My brothers wife doesnt really talk to my sister at all anymore and is very cold when they are present. I mean I dont really blame her. IMO it was a very hurtful thing my sister said When my sister went over to my brothers house to see the baby, they were both implying to want me over to make it less awkward. Both were asking me if i was coming over and what time lol.

 

[p1990]

It might help if we knew what country or countries your family is living in. National politics can make a big difference in attitudes. Does either your brother’s wife have or sister’s fiancée have close relatives in a predominantly Muslim country, and if so is that country a strongly conservative Muslim country? If so, that could intensify the mutual disdain and make social contact particularly difficult.

If I understand you correctly, your siblings were raised Catholic, but your brother converted to Islam quite a while ago. Now your sister is engaged and her fiancée objects to socializing with Muslims. Correct?

This sort of thing happens when kids grow up and form new family relationships. The differences could have been racial, or economic, or political, or educational. This time they were religious differences. It happens.

I think that your sister is either voicing some things that she has kept silent about in the past, or echoing her fiancée’s thoughts. Either way, the family relationship has become strained and there’s not a lot you can do about it on a deeper level. It is their right to raise their kids as they feel best, and if they want those kids to not be exposed to certain things that is also their right. Any attempts you make to go behind their backs to “bridge” the gap between the kids will probably draw anger from both sides.

On the surface, however, I have my father’s advice to pass on: Be civil. If someone has done nothing to harm you, you have no excuse to treat them badly.

We are in a western country. My sisters finaces family are arab and i know religious issues are big over there.

And basically you are right, my sister is voicing things she kept silent about because when my brother first converted he received a lot of backlash from our parents.

I mean I understand everyones point of view. Her fiances families fears because of what it is like in their old country.

But i dont know, my sisters fiance has know us for a long time, they knew my brother before he converted. He is still the same person otherwise, he just did it for marriage rather than being brainwashed into it or whatever their idea was. I just dont get how they can do a complete turn and feel funny about associating just because of this.

 

[Nan_S]

My husband converted from a nominally-Methodist background to being Catholic when we married. If he hadn’t taken the Catholic faith seriously, things would not have gone well. I would imagine the same has happened with your brother and Islam. Even though you want to see him as “basically the same” his is different now in crucial ways. His marriage would probably not have lasted if he was an apostate Muslim.

Are your brother and his wife going to raise their kids to be as secular as they seem to be right now? Probably not, unless they don’t mind risking the wrath of her family. Her parents did insist that he become a Muslim; I don’t foresee that her parents will ignore the religious upbringing of the grandkids.

The same holds true with your sister’s fiancée. Having someone from a different culture as a casual friend is one thing; embracing the same person as family is very different. This is particularly important when they have a long-standing family history of cultural intolerance and have key relatives whose perspectives need to be respected.

Bottom line: This is something you can not fix for them. Your siblings need to work this out between themselves, or not work it out if that is their choice. Your role is to remind both sides, when appropriate, to be civil to each other.

 

[TheSurvivor]

You seem to be down playing the gravity of your brothers decision. The only thing I can tell you to do for sure is pray. But you could attempt to evangelize.

 

[p1990]

I know changing religion is a grave matter and I do pray for him but what am I supposed to do? Treat him differently because of it? My parents and I just say in passing why doesnt he be Catholic again, you can that he is embarrassed about converting in the first place.

I mean before it, he was basically a non-practicing Catholic. Now he is the same except he ID’s as muslim instead of Catholic and doesnt eat pork. Doesnt even do ramadans or anything like that yet he still doesnt eat meat on Good Friday. He isnt anymore of a devout muslim than he was a Catholic. And i honestly highly doubt that his kids are going to have a strong muslim upbringing besides maybe going to a wedding ceremony or other ceremonies they may have on his wifes side every now and then

His wife isnt even strongly religious too nor do I think she was raised quite strictly. When she is asked about stuff relating to the religion she doesnt really seem all that informed or know too much about it. Basically very “westernized” if that makes sense. I think the whole she had to marry a muslim was basically out of tradition. Kind of like how a lot of people these days dont necessarily go to church or follow their religion but once they get married they want to be married in a church and have the traditional ceremonies and baptisms for their kids etc.

Apparently its a thing where muslim women have to marry muslim men but a muslim man can marry whoever where a bunch of her male cousins have married Christians who retained their religion.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

There is nothing you can do. Your brother has chosen to do this. It hurt a few people, obviously. Your sister has not reacted well to the conversion, and I can completely understand that. (If my agnostic, nominally Catholic brother converted to Islam for the same reasons and became a nominal, agnostic Muslim, I would still freak out.) But she has a right to her feelings. The two of them must work it out, or have a distant relationship if they so choose. Trust me, things could be much worse.