Brother going back to jail

[Jessup]

So my brother who married a succubus a few years ago, and has been in and out of jail on drug charges; and ex wife restraining order violations after going through my widowed mother’s life insurance money; is getting violated on his probation next week for not completing his anger management classes. He really did need help to afford the classes as he hasn’t worked in a year, and has no car/drivers license.
But I feel partially responsible for not helping him. I know God tells us to forgive , but he destroyed my mom’s life, and I honestly can not help anyone if God’s not willing to help me with my own situation. I feel like God is going to punish me soon.

 

[creole54]

No, God is NOT going to punish you.

I also have a brother that I love but has caused so much heartache and pain in the family it’s difficult to like him. His problems are along the same lines as your brothers. A couple of years ago I felt like I needed to ‘help’ him, too. I offered to pay for him to go to college as long as he maintained passing grades. I bought him a computer, paid his tuition, books and a small monthly stipend. What a waste! Of course, he didn’t change, he didn’t take advantage of the leg-up I was trying to give him, he was back to his old tricks after 6 months.

I pray for him and wish him well, but his problems are his alone, they’re his own doing, they’re his own choice, as your brother’s probably are.

If you’re in a position to help your brother, and want to, then by all means do so. But don’t feel that your soul is in peril because of your brother’s poor choices. There comes a time when we all need to be accountable for our own actions.

 

[trials]

Not your fault. At all, you bear no responsibility for this - and I’m sure that in the past you have tried to help him, but he reverted to his behaviour. If he is in the grip of an addiction or a downward spiral of anti-social, self-destructive behaviour, it is unlikely that any help you can offer him - whether it be showing him love, giving him money, etc. - it is unlikely this will change his behaviour.

I have a similar situation with my brother-in-law - the amount of fresh starts, talks, money, whatever - nothing has worked. I contacted addiction places about him, wondering was there any way he could be “forced” into rehab - no. Unless he comes to the realisation himself that he needs and wants to change, they told me, any efforts on my part would be fruitless. Totally disheartening.

So what can we do? Well don’t beat ourselves up about it anyway, and remember to call on the Wonder Counsellor that we have a direct line to. I don’t ask Him often enough, so your message is also a reminder to me that I need to pray more about my brother in law. For the time being that’s really all we can do.

God bless.

 

[sedonaman]

So my brother who married a succubus a few years ago, and has been in and out of jail on drug charges; and ex wife restraining order violations after going through my widowed mother’s life insurance money; is getting violated on his probation next week for not completing his anger management classes. He really did need help to afford the classes as he hasn’t worked in a year, and has no car/drivers license.
But I feel partially responsible for not helping him. I know God tells us to forgive , but he destroyed my mom’s life, and I honestly can not help anyone if God’s not willing to help me with my own situation. I feel like God is going to punish me soon.

What irritates me is that individuals like your brother never enter into discussions about social justice. Where is his responsibility to contribute to social justice?

 

[april32010]

So my brother who married a succubus a few years ago, and has been in and out of jail on drug charges; and ex wife restraining order violations after going through my widowed mother’s life insurance money; is getting violated on his probation next week for not completing his anger management classes. He really did need help to afford the classes as he hasn’t worked in a year, and has no car/drivers license.
But I feel partially responsible for not helping him. I know God tells us to forgive , but he destroyed my mom’s life, and I honestly can not help anyone if God’s not willing to help me with my own situation. I feel like God is going to punish me soon.

succubus |ˈsəkyəbəs|
noun ( pl. -bi |-ˌbī|)
a female demon believed to have sexual intercourse with sleeping men.
ORIGIN late Middle English : from medieval Latin succubus ‘prostitute,’ from succubare, from sub- ‘under’ + cubare ‘to lie.’

you’re really going to call her a demon,a prostitute.are you blaming your brothers troubles on her. sounds to me that the girl was keeping bad company.

 

[Norseman82]

So my brother who married a succubus a few years ago, and has been in and out of jail on drug charges; and ex wife restraining order violations after going through my widowed mother’s life insurance money; is getting violated on his probation next week for not completing his anger management classes. He really did need help to afford the classes as he hasn’t worked in a year, and has no car/drivers license.
But I feel partially responsible for not helping him. I know God tells us to forgive , but he destroyed my mom’s life, and I honestly can not help anyone if God’s not willing to help me with my own situation. I feel like God is going to punish me soon.

Look at it this way…this could be God answering your prayers to protect you and your mother.

 

[JoanREDirector]

I’ve been there - sounds like my son’s story. We tried everything. We finally had to turn him away from the house for our own safety. Through the years I’d meet him at coffee shops in odd parts of town. My husband and I agreed that the only thing we would give was a meal, a night in a motel, and our love and prayers.

We prayed for twenty years - rosary after rosary on nights we couldn’t sleep for worry. It worked! He’s been clean from meth addiction for 4 years. Whatever happens in the future, each sober day is a blessing. We’re grateful. We take encouragement from the cross - how Jesus brought the good thief into paradise with Him that very day.

 

[pnewton]

The lessons to many problems in life can be found in Matthew 11

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

If we wish to entreat God’s help, we must come to Him and not use Him like a genie in a magic lantern. Whatever our burden is, God can make it light. Most of our problems are not so much our circumstancese as our mind. We desire and do not have, so we are unhappy. Only God can transform our heart to where our desires become the things that will last for eternity. Only then can we find the ability to love those who have wronged us and accept the burdens we bear when we see others hurting.

If you wish to help anyone, you must first renew your own heart. Only then can you be in a position to help them find peace in whatever circumstances.

 

[Jessup]

you’re really going to call her a demon,a prostitute.are you blaming your brothers troubles on her. sounds to me that the girl was keeping bad company.

ya she actully has been a prostitute, and a dancer, hence why I could never explain to my brother, marrying someone like that doenst’ make you cool.
I think his brain is mush from years of drug and alchahol abuse. I really believe once someone starts getting high, at that particular age, they start to build a debt, to themselves. They become stuck in that portion of their life mentally and emotionally in the time span that they began.
Most addicts I know, have not have developed mature reasoning abilitites past the erra of middle school. I remember getting high in my late teens as a termporary task thinking it was something I was suppose to do, becuase all of the older people in my close community had stated I better get it out of my system while I’m young. I had no confidence so I followed procedure at the time thinking I had to listen to their “advice” and get high then instead of doing it when I was older and loosing my job or educaiton;’ like a computer and decided that 21 would be the initial cut off date. Also now that I’m older, I realized they where incompetent people not in a position to give anyone real advice on living.
But it seems no matter what you do for these people, they do not try to help themselves in anyway, they are like little children I can't explain it.

 

[trials]

I think his brain is mush from years of drug and alchahol abuse. I really believe once someone starts getting high, at that particular age, they start to build a debt, to themselves. They become stuck in that portion of their life mentally and emotionally in the time span that they began.
Most addicts I know, have not have developed mature reasoning abilitites past the erra of middle school.
But it seems no matter what you do for these people, they do not try to help themselves in anyway, they are like little children I can’t explain it.

I totally agree. My brother in law I was talking about is incapable of making any reasoned decisions, even when he is stone cold sober. He cannot see long-term, he cannot make plans for the future - in that sense, he is childlike, his mind is unable to process responsible thoughts, or analyse consequences of his behaviour. Basically he cannot see past his next high and making sure he has the money for it. His life is consumed with it.

 

[Bill_7154]

So my brother who married a succubus a few years ago, and has been in and out of jail on drug charges; and ex wife restraining order violations after going through my widowed mother’s life insurance money; is getting violated on his probation next week for not completing his anger management classes. He really did need help to afford the classes as he hasn’t worked in a year, and has no car/drivers license.
But I feel partially responsible for not helping him. I know God tells us to forgive , but he destroyed my mom’s life, and I honestly can not help anyone if God’s not willing to help me with my own situation. I feel like God is going to punish me soon.

There is a difference between ‘helping’ and ‘enabling’. I suggest you become thoroughly familiar with what the word enabling means and all sorts of examples of how family members in particular wind up enabling bad behavior of another family member (can be drinking, drinking plus x, drinking and drugging, drugging plus x, whatever…). Since he seems to have a substance abuse issue he is likely to have one or more people in his life who act as enablers.

Examples would be bailing him out of jail ‘again’ after he promised to not engage in drinking/drugging the last time you bailed him out. Giving him a place to stay when his signficant other kicks him out for bad behavior, giving him money when he is a known drug/alcohol abuser, etc…

Enabling people, IMO, is NOT helping them, it is HURTING them. I have heard it explained as literally loving them ‘to death’ (in that last 20 bucks you gave him might be the 20 he spends on drugs that leads to OD and death… or allowing him to live with you rent free so his money goes to drugs…and he dies from drug use.

There is such a thing as tough love and a lot of people will advocate that enablers learn how to give ‘tough love’ rather than loving their afflicted family member ‘to death’. Since he has been to jail more than once he’s been around the block and knows how to game people and probably does so as second nature to him. He knows how to manipulate people in his life that are open to being manipulated…in order for him to continue his disfunctional lifestyle he is caught up in.

He needs a reality check, a wake up call. Research enabling and make sure you don’t do that.

That’s my advice as a former alcoholic and someone who is a former alcohol and drug counselor who has also worked with ex-convicts with substance abuse issues. They typically need a total change of enviornment, getting away from former friends and connections, but also need a willingness to change. And enablers stand directly in the way of them changing. Why change if someone will feed you booze and drugs all day and feed you and give you a free place to live, etc (not saying you or anyone does that, just using that as a general example)

Good Luck and God Bless,
Bill

 

[Bill_7154]

No, God is NOT going to punish you.

If you’re in a position to help your brother, and want to, then by all means do so. But don’t feel that your soul is in peril because of your brother’s poor choices. There comes a time when we all need to be accountable for our own actions.

There is such a thing as helping poeple and also such a think as doing things you think are helping them when your actually hurting them. Your brother is broken. He needs fixing. Giving him money is not help. Putting him in a treatment program or something like that is much closer to help. Giving him a place to stay so long as he does all the chores around the house EVERY DAY, NO EXCEPTIONS…NO MATTER WHAT (because he knows how to game you, I can see that and I don’t even know you) and so long as he looks for work every day (as in applying for 6 jobs a day every day, and goes to counseling, etc, etc or he is shown the door no matter what is HELP.

Letting him call the shots is a prescription for disaster in his own life and it sounds like in your life and other family members lives as well. Him running the show leads him to jail. Him running you leads you to be driven crazy plus also leads him to jail.

This is your wake up call. Don’t say you were not warned. This may sound harsh but your brother is playing life or death games and that is no joke. You need to choose whether your going to support LIFE or DEATH when it comes to your brother and then leave it in God’s hands. You can’t force him to change. But you can, as an adult, make a rational and conscious decision to not contribute to his negative lifestyle that puts him and others in danger.

Good Luck nad God Bless,
Bill

 

[Bill_7154]

you’re really going to call her a demon,a prostitute.are you blaming your brothers troubles on her. sounds to me that the girl was keeping bad company.

Actually she is blaming her brothers troubles on that woman AND on HERSELF!

He will play that guilt card on you for all it’s worth, till your broke and living in the streets. That is what people addicted to drugs DO. Drugs are running the show.

As long as your not enabling him you have no reason to feel guilty. I suspect your feeling guilty for exactly the wrong reasons and you should be feeling guilty for feeling like you should help (read ENABLE) him.

Maybe your co-dependent on his addiction. You need to fix yourself, separate from your brother. If my sister starting doing drugs and her husband kicker her out I would NOT allow her to stay with me unless she was clean, stayed clean, and proved it on MY TERMS. First time she tried to play games…I give her the address to a detox and show her the door, give her a hug, tell her I love her and will pray for her…offer to drive her to the detox…but she is leaving. Maybe she can come back and try again after successfully completing detox and whatever recommendations the detox had for her as follow up treatment. If she thinks she knows better than the professionals and her life is a mess…and I go along with what her plans are…what does that make me???

I love my family. But there is a time when people need to be shown and given tough love. Otherwise they run all over you because that’s what people caught up in drugs DO. I don’t believe in feeding into that kind of thing for STRANGERS, let alone my own FAMILY!!!

 

[Bill_7154]

ya she actully has been a prostitute, and a dancer, hence why I could never explain to my brother, marrying someone like that doenst’ make you cool.
I think his brain is mush from years of drug and alchahol abuse. I really believe once someone starts getting high, at that particular age, they start to build a debt, to themselves. They become stuck in that portion of their life mentally and emotionally in the time span that they began.
Most addicts I know, have not have developed mature reasoning abilitites past the erra of middle school…

So you have identified the problem. Now identify a solution (first for you, and then to the extend you can, if at all, for your brother). It may be offering to pay for counseling once he gets out of jail (as in writing the checks yourself directly to the counseling agency). It may be trying to help him get a job (I wouldn’t stick my neck out and take a chance he will wreck your rep though). It may be offering to bring him to Church with you. It may be suggesting he go to confession and offering to support him in going. It may be by purchasing him a bible, or a small prayer book. It may be helping him to find a mature male whose life is on the correct path who is willing to act as a mentor to him, offering him advice and spending some time with him.

But if your brother is going to continue to use drugs and choose drugs over these things sometimes all we can do is pray for them and make sure we are not contributing to their problem by enabling them.

I moved into a homeless shelter 2 months sober in order to learn how to live as I grew up in a disfunctional family and was still living with them and was the family scapegoat. It’s the best thing I ever did for myself. I stopped blaming my parents (even though they really did a number on me) and took responsibility for my own life the best I could (with the help of a shelter for homeless) even though the problems in me I didn’t deserve, didn’t ask for, and didn’t put there myself. I still had to accept responsibility for my own future. If I didn’t do that I’d probably be a 45 yo man typing this from my parents basement, still living with them, still without the skills to live life pretty independently. I didn’t learn that at home, I learned that as an adult from strangers. And I’m forever greatful I had that opportunity to do so.

I was willing to go live in a homeless shelter when I knew nothing about them and faced culture shock since I grew up in the suburbs in order to get well. It took courage for me to do that. But I figured out that if I kept blaming my parents and hating them for what they did, and by extention hating all of society… all i was was a guy filled with hate who had no clue in how to live or get along with people.

He can get into a program directly from jail. If he’s serious about changing he will look to do this rather than go to his old routine. You can suggest that. If he chooses no, well he’s an adult and gets to make his own choices. Some people choose to live in homeless shelters for years and drink themselves to death, slowly, over a period of years. We can’t perform magic tricks to save family, strangers, anyone. We can show our love and concern and offer advice. We can offer a hand UP if he’s walking the walk once he gets out of jail. But if he doesn’t go for counseling or some sort of halfway house or something… that right there tells you he’s not willing to make serious changes in his life.

Going to jail is a pretty MAJOR thing. Going BACK is even more major. It’s possible to break the cycle and I’m pretty sure he has heard suggestions on how he might go about that from time to time since he has started with drugs. He’s making choices. Not the ones you wish he would make for himself…but they are his to make and not yours. Sometimes loving involves learning to let go so you don’t go bat darn crazy worrying yourself to dealth for him. That’s his job, worrying about his future and taking steps to change it for the better. And there is plenty of help available. If I was able to get help and change as a white kid from the suburbs in an urban shelter filled with hardcore street people by getting a couselor there and then getting a minimum wage job at the shelter…and going from there… he’s got options too.

It’s time to stop blaming his wife/gf and time to stop feeling sorry for him. It’s time to be strong and pray for him of course but also to have some basic suggestions for him that you think will be helpful upon his release from jail (get counseling to help you figure out what suggestions are good one’s if need be) and give them to him. That is giving him your love and your support.

God Bless, I will pray for you tonight,
Bill

God Bless,
Bill

 

[Bill_7154]

I totally agree. My brother in law I was talking about is incapable of making any reasoned decisions, even when he is stone cold sober. He cannot see long-term, he cannot make plans for the future - in that sense, he is childlike, his mind is unable to process responsible thoughts, or analyse consequences of his behaviour. Basically he cannot see past his next high and making sure he has the money for it. His life is consumed with it.

Sometimes people like this need to be confined and have others make basic life choices for them. That’s what prisons do. That’s what highly structured treatment facilities do. That’s what I would do if it were my family member and I allowed them to live with me. They would have conditions upon their behavior up the wazoo…I would write them down…wake up time x, do the dishes, do this, do that, do this, do that.

If they follow the list they keep getting my help and they start to get better and learn and practice basic life skills. If they kick back and watch Jerry Springer instead of following my program… well there’s a shelter down the street. It was good enough for me when I needed help, it’s good enough for you bro. Take a month or 2 and think about it. Maybe we can try again.

If I, someone who was severely abused and neglected in childhood could learn to live as an independent adult, starting off with no money and no job and no life skills in an urban homeless shelter that had a jail like enviornment…well unless a person is developmentaly disabled (read mentally retarded) they can too. I had psychiatric disorders. The difference between me and the people who don’t make it out are: I didn’t grow up in an institution, I didn’t grow up on welfare, and I had a strong desire to change and a belief that I could change.

And I’d imagine it’s a heck of a lot easier to do so in a halfway house than a darn homeless shelter where people will steal each others dirty smelly sneakers if you don’t put them under your bedposts before going to sleep.

So I had a ton of excuses as to why I was the way I was and why I had it so bad (and they were TRUE). But because they were true didn’t do squat to help me improve my lot in life. I could have gotten on disability when I went to the homeless shelter, there were counselors that would help people with that. And I had a major mental illness so I qualified. But I didn’t want that. I wanted to work and be self-sufficient so I worked my but off. And life is still hard for me 20 years later. But I’m living on my own 2 feet.

So my message is your brothers probably can too if they really desire to change. Some people don’t want to. One thing I know, the longer someone stays in the cycle of jail, homeless, disabled, whatever…the harder it is to change. So the time for them is ASAP if they choose it.

God Bless,
Bill

 

[trials]

If I, someone who was severely abused and neglected in childhood could learn to live as an independent adult, starting off with no money and no job and no life skills in an urban homeless shelter that had a jail like enviornment…well unless a person is developmentaly disabled (read mentally retarded) they can too. I had psychiatric disorders. The difference between me and the people who don’t make it out are: I didn’t grow up in an institution, I didn’t grow up on welfare, and I had a strong desire to change and a belief that I could change.

**So I had a ton of excuses as to why I was the way I was and why I had it so bad (and they were TRUE). But because they were true didn’t do squat to help me improve my lot in life. **I could have gotten on disability when I went to the homeless shelter, there were counselors that would help people with that. And I had a major mental illness so I qualified. But I didn’t want that. I wanted to work and be self-sufficient so I worked my but off. And life is still hard for me 20 years later. But I’m living on my own 2 feet.

So my message is your brothers probably can too if they really desire to change. Some people don’t want to. One thing I know, the longer someone stays in the cycle of jail, homeless, disabled, whatever…the harder it is to change. So the time for them is ASAP if they choose it.

God Bless,
Bill

What an incredible testimony. Wow. Fair dues to you, that is totally inspiring, even to someone like myself who has emotional baggage, not akin to this lad we’ve been talking about, but enough to make me have the occasional pity party. Thank you for sharing that.