Brother-in-Law Going to Lutheran Church to Save Marriage

[TJWeger]

My brother-in-law is in need of help in his marriage. Much of the last few years his wife has been physically/emotionally indifferent. He has tried so many different ways…prayer, counselling, etc. Many times in the last three years, he has talked seriously of separation, divorce, etc. but always seems to find a way to get back in there.

His wife is a convert to the Catholic faith when they were married. Recently, she mentioned not having God in her life. Apparently and unfortunately, she has not found this with the Catholic Church. I would say, out of desperation, my brother-in-law has decided to go with her to a Lutheran church that offers what she believes she needs. I have seen videos of the church activities, and it looks like loads of fun and lots of socializing.

My brother-in-law is a cradle Catholic, His intention right now is not to leave the Catholic Church. I don’t know if he is trying to go to both Mass and Lutheran services. I understand that some Lutheran denominations are very anti-Catholic, so I am worried that he will be swayed/brain-washed into leaving the Catholic Church for good.

Many in my brother-in-law’s Catholic family are supportive that he save his marriage this way. I am all for saving his marriage, but I am concerned about his eternal soul. His children, who have already received First Holy Communion are attending Sunday school at the Lutheran church. I don’t know if they are continuing with CCD as well at the Catholic church.

He believes God is asking him to do this to save his marriage. Is this possible?! I understand the intention for the wife, but I would think this is a stretch…as the children are now being indoctrinated in the Lutheran faith. I am very concerned and not sure what I can do…other than pray. My wife (his sister) is trying to be supportive and believes God may be working in a mysterious way.

Peace,
TJ

 

[1ke]

He believes God is asking him to do this to save his marriage. Is this possible?!

No it is not possible that God would ask him to remove his children, himself, and his wife from the practice of the Catholic faith.

We rationalize all kinds of things, even to the point of saying God is “calling” us to do such and such. But, God is not contradictory, and he would not call someone into a belief system that includes heretical ideas, or call them to withhold the sacraments from their children, nor want them to leave the fullness of truth.

 

[Dorothy]

Your brother-in-law is not being the authority, the true head of his family.

Our Lord Jesus Christ said “I have come to bring a sword, not peace.” And then He goes on to say about setting family members one against the other. By saying that he meant that He comes first in our lives, not our spouse or other family members. When it comes to faith matters, we need to choose Him and follow Him over others.

Of course, we need to pray for them and not be malicious towards them; we need to be loving and firm.

 

[tawny]

Praying for your brother-in-law, his wife, his children & his marriage.

 

[sailor28]

He believes God is asking him to do this to save his marriage. Is this possible?

Yes, it is possible. Sometimes the spiritual journey has twists and turns in it. The Catholic Church fails repeatedly in welcoming people and creating community. These are vital parts of the christian life. It would be great if they could be involved in both churches. Perhaps that will come over time. It sounds like your BIL needs support. It is not your job to question his relationship with God.

 

[Dorothy]

He believes God is asking him to do this to save his marriage. Is this possible?

Yes, it is possible. Sometimes the spiritual journey has twists and turns in it. The Catholic Church fails repeatedly in welcoming people and creating community. These are vital parts of the christian life. It would be great if they could be involved in both churches. Perhaps that will come over time. It sounds like your BIL needs support. It is not your job to question his relationship with God.

As fellow Catholics we are to “instruct the ignorant” and “admonish sinners”. Of course that doesn’t mean we are to do those things in a superior bossy way, but to gently remind them of the truth that our Lord Jesus Christ teaches.

Then a seed has been planted and we can pray that it bears fruit. It may take a while but prayer is powerful! If the person does not listen, that is their choice. Meanwhile the friend, or other family member has done a good thing by pointing out the truth.

 

[spedteacherita]

My brother-in-law is in need of help in his marriage. Much of the last few years his wife has been physically/emotionally indifferent. He has tried so many different ways…prayer, counselling, etc. Many times in the last three years, he has talked seriously of separation, divorce, etc. but always seems to find a way to get back in there.

His wife is a convert to the Catholic faith when they were married. Recently, she mentioned not having God in her life. Apparently and unfortunately, she has not found this with the Catholic Church. I would say, out of desperation, my brother-in-law has decided to go with her to a Lutheran church that offers what she believes she needs. I have seen videos of the church activities, and it looks like loads of fun and lots of socializing.

My brother-in-law is a cradle Catholic, His intention right now is not to leave the Catholic Church. I don’t know if he is trying to go to both Mass and Lutheran services. I understand that some Lutheran denominations are very anti-Catholic, so I am worried that he will be swayed/brain-washed into leaving the Catholic Church for good.

Many in my brother-in-law’s Catholic family are supportive that he save his marriage this way. I am all for saving his marriage, but I am concerned about his eternal soul. His children, who have already received First Holy Communion are attending Sunday school at the Lutheran church. I don’t know if they are continuing with CCD as well at the Catholic church.

He believes God is asking him to do this to save his marriage. Is this possible?! I understand the intention for the wife, but I would think this is a stretch…as the children are now being indoctrinated in the Lutheran faith. I am very concerned and not sure what I can do…other than pray. My wife (his sister) is trying to be supportive and believes God may be working in a mysterious way.

Peace,
TJ

Has he taken the opportunity of speaking with the priest of his parish? Perhaps he can persuade his wife to go with him to speak with the priest. Prayers are important at this point…

Of course, I am a Lutheran, but don’t believe that new people are swayed or brainwashed in any way…The pastors of any of the Lutheran churches that I either served in and/or attended would be willing to work with the couple if your brother is upfront with them about what is happening…

I will pray that Jesus will fill their hearts for love of Him and each other so that they come together and be guided by the Holy Spirit to make the right decisions for themselves and their children.

 

[brian_custer]

The Catholic Church fails repeatedly in welcoming people and creating community.

oh so i guess the lutheran church is so much better at “welcoming” people… yeah, right

i would say that if sitting through a lutheran service can help his marriage until the wife gets her head on straight he should do o it

but that does not relieve him of his obligation to keep his catholic faith alive in himself & his children

 

[Ignatius]

No it is not possible that God would ask him to remove his children, himself, and his wife from the practice of the Catholic faith.

We rationalize all kinds of things, even to the point of saying God is “calling” us to do such and such. But, God is not contradictory, and he would not call someone into a belief system that includes heretical ideas, or call them to withhold the sacraments from their children, nor want them to leave the fullness of truth.

 

[acadiANNA]

If you have a weekly Bible study class to attend, it will strengthen your faith. Also, the altar society or womens’ group may reinforce her participation in the Catholic Church. I will pray for her and the family.

 

[WillyAL]

oh so i guess the lutheran church is so much better at “welcoming” people… yeah, right

I am a non-Catholic who is married to a Catholic. I attend Mass with my wife almost every Sunday. During the course of my life I have also had occasion to attend services at several different protestant churches. Although our parish is a community of many wonderful people, it has been my experience that, as a general rule, just about any protestant church is going to be more “welcoming” that a Catholic church. Now, I’m not suggesting that one should necessarily be going to church expecting a social experience, but if that is what one is looking for, one is much more likely to find it at a protestant church.

 

[Dorothy]

I am a non-Catholic who is married to a Catholic. I attend Mass with my wife almost every Sunday. During the course of my life I have also had occasion to attend services at several different protestant churches. Although our parish is a community of many wonderful people, it has been my experience that, as a general rule, just about any protestant church is going to be more “welcoming” that a Catholic church. Now, I’m not suggesting that one should necessarily be going to church expecting a social experience, but if that is what one is looking for, one is much more likely to find it at a protestant church.

Please keep in mind that when one goes into a Catholic Church for the Mass the atmosphere is (or should be) one of quiet prayer. The congregation should be prayerfully preparing themselves to receive the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of our Lord Jesus Christ.

The parish I am a member of has after Mass social time in the hall three times a month… I have gotten to know many of my fellow parishioners that way. We don’t have signs on one another that says whether we are a non-Catholic or not, so it is good to be a bit gregarious and introduce yourself. And, since we are all far from perfect, one may meet a person who is less than enthusiastic about showing friendliness. I wouldn’t judge the entire congregation if this occurs.

Jesus’ Peace be with you,

Dorothy

 

[kosull2]

I am a non-Catholic who is married to a Catholic. I attend Mass with my wife almost every Sunday. During the course of my life I have also had occasion to attend services at several different protestant churches. Although our parish is a community of many wonderful people, it has been my experience that, as a general rule, just about any protestant church is going to be more “welcoming” that a Catholic church. Now, I’m not suggesting that one should necessarily be going to church expecting a social experience, but if that is what one is looking for, one is much more likely to find it at a protestant church.

I also think it depends on the parish/diocese. The last parish I was at was not the most welcoming, not to say they would turn their backs on you, but not welcoming either (if you did not have kids in the school, you were considered/treated as second class, so to speak). Now the parish I currently worship (in a different diocese than the other parish) is very welcoming. Regularly they have someone speak before mass or after communion to mention activities and ministries who welcome all new comers. In the year and a half I’ve been in this parish I have now joined 3.5 ministries (.5 is because I have signed up but no meetings yet). Everyone has been so friendly here - it was part two of how God let me know my husband and I picked the right area when we moved. At my last parish I was in 1 full time and participated in a once a year activity (preparing homebound thanksgiving meals).

With that said, my brother in law is attending Lutheran services with his girlfriend. He went to a Christian church with his ex-wife but no one was sure what the denomination was. At this point my mother in law is just happy he is attending Christian services regularly and again hoping he will find his way back to the Catholic Church. He never could fully answer why not to Catholic mass other than “he didn’t like it.” My guess is he started going to the Lutheran services to impress the girlfriend and something resonated with him.

 

[Kal2012]

Keep in mind that a lot of people convert for “social reasons”, not for “spiritual” reasons.

I’m a convert and a lot of times I completely miss how Protestants do church because it’s familiar and what I grew up with. Church was really about being social while being with God. It was about seeing friends and chit-chatting before (and after) service.

The Catholic Mass isn’t about being social - the other activities throughout the week are supposed to fill the social need, so you can focus on worshiping God at the Mass.

It’s a total different mindset and it does “feel” empty because Father /the Mass doesn’t prey on people’s emotions throughout the service to get them to an altar call where they accept Jesus as their “personal Lord and savior”. (Ok, maybe that’s just the culture I grew up in…)

Even my husband told me (before I converted) that he’d go to a Lutheran church with me because they (Catholics/Lutherans) were very similar in many of their beliefs. However, I can’t imagine wanting to go to a Lutheran church these days. Why would I want to go if I can’t participate in the sacraments (communion, etc)?

So, I think that it is right and good that BIL wants to support his wife - but…I’m not sure encouraging trips to the Lutheran church is a great idea. Especially given that as converts we make promises to live Catholic lives. Those promises aren’t just words, but a commitment to God. Every convert remembers their Easter Vigil and when they were received into the church. That’s the space that all of wish we could live in forever because it’s such a high and you feel, really feel God’s presence in your life and in that moment, but then we get out into the real world and every day isn’t like that.

I’d argue that’s the struggle for a convert. Trying to get back to feeling of awe and joy that you feel in those first few moments when you’ve been baptized and confirmed because it doesn’t last forever. Life goes back to normal and most days are really quite dull. Where’s her sponsor/Catholic support system?

I also think that there’s more problems in the marriage than where they go to church. I think that’s where BIL is placing his energy, but there’s more going on here that we don’t know about.

I’m really just trying to offer some perspective. I don’t have any advice per say.

 

[sailor28]

I am a non-Catholic who is married to a Catholic. I attend Mass with my wife almost every Sunday. During the course of my life I have also had occasion to attend services at several different protestant churches. Although our parish is a community of many wonderful people, it has been my experience that, as a general rule, just about any protestant church is going to be more “welcoming” that a Catholic church. Now, I’m not suggesting that one should necessarily be going to church expecting a social experience, but if that is what one is looking for, one is much more likely to find it at a protestant church.

That is my experience too. I go to Mass to worship not for a social experience. However, Catholics often do not have the same level of connection that protestants have. That is a generalization based on my experience in numerous states over several decades. You can have worship and Mass and still have a vibrant christian community that is connected and engaged. Their are not exclusive of each other.

The pope actually sent a group of bishops and cardinals to Rick Warren’s church to see how they bring about this community life. I saw the interview on EWTN with Rick Warren and ? Ray Arroyo talking about this. We simply can not deny that we have something to learn from our protestant brothers and sisters.

 

[PolarGuy]

All these “welcoming” Protestant churches wouldn’t be full - as many of them are, witness Joel Osteen et al - if they weren’t offering people something the people felt they needed.

One of the posters talked about the need for Catholic churches/Mass/etc. to reflect an air of quiet contemplation or some such. I respond – so what we need is “one size fits all?” I’ve seen a lot more faith; joyous praise, etc., in many a Baptist Church than I’ve ever seen in any Catholic Mass in my entire life. What’s your “air of quiet contemplation” is another man’s “somber as a tomb and just as cold and joyless.” Heck, I wish my parish was a lot more like the Baptist Church some of my friends worship at.

Also, there’s an equal reaction to any action someone takes. OP’s taking the whole "“I’m the spiritual head of the family and I demand you never attend a Lutheran Church!” will IMHO drive the wife right into the outstretched arms of the Lutheran Church and possibly kill the marriage as well.

 

[Dorothy]

All these “welcoming” Protestant churches wouldn’t be full - as many of them are, witness Joel Osteen et al - if they weren’t offering people something the people felt they needed.

One of the posters talked about the need for Catholic churches/Mass/etc. to reflect an air of quiet contemplation or some such. I respond – so what we need is “one size fits all?” I’ve seen a lot more faith; joyous praise, etc., in many a Baptist Church than I’ve ever seen in any Catholic Mass in my entire life. What’s your “air of quiet contemplation” is another man’s “somber as a tomb and just as cold and joyless.” Heck, I wish my parish was a lot more like the Baptist Church some of my friends worship at.

Also, there’s an equal reaction to any action someone takes. OP’s taking the whole "“I’m the spiritual head of the family and I demand you never attend a Lutheran Church!” will IMHO drive the wife right into the outstretched arms of the Lutheran Church and possibly kill the marriage as well.

With reference to your last paragraph, the head of the family could calmly accept his wife’s choice, and continue to go to the Catholic Church.

With reference to what you wrote at the beginning of your post…happily my parish has gatherings in the hall after every Mass, whether it be coffee and donuts, or ice cream. This is where we converse and get to know one another much better.

And uplifting and joyous music takes place at Mass as well!

 

[Selah_KY]

Yes, it is possible. Sometimes the spiritual journey has twists and turns in it. The Catholic Church fails repeatedly in welcoming people and creating community. These are vital parts of the christian life. It would be great if they could be involved in both churches. Perhaps that will come over time. It sounds like your BIL needs support. It is not your job to question his relationship with God.

I agree. My family’s journey to the Catholic church started when I was willing to follow my husband into a Baptist church from our Lutheran church (he had never been baptized anything at that point, while my children and I were all Lutheran)! He did end up choosing the Lutheran church first and now following me into the RCC, all a result of our questioning during that time.

Also, there’s an equal reaction to any action someone takes. OP’s taking the whole "“I’m the spiritual head of the family and I demand you never attend a Lutheran Church!” will IMHO drive the wife right into the outstretched arms of the Lutheran Church and possibly kill the marriage as well.

This is so very true!

I disagree about Joel Osteen, though. His church is full because Americans want permission to be rich, and Osteen’s theology teaches that wealth is God’s blessing.